Different ways of dealing with it!

Bullying has been there forever. I have seen my very own family deal with it differently. When my first born was 6 years old, he was bullied every recess for a few weeks by an 8 year old kid. I don’t know what material my child is cut from; he NEVER said he didn’t want to go to school! He kept going to school every day and then one day, he told us that he needed us to stop it for him. My first reaction was tears. My husband felt helpless as he couldn’t beat up that kid who tormented ours over a few weeks. My mom blamed me for NOT knowing about it sooner! My brother wanted to sue the school!! My dad wanted me to homeschool my son …

I remember my own childhood. I would usually ignore anyone who picked on me for whatever reason. I was one of the chubbier kids and usually, there would be some mean name calling. I seldom mentioned it to my parents and tended to ignore the mean kids. My brother, on the other hand, would tell our mom about every mean thing that happened to him on every single school day. My mom made mental notes of all the names mentioned and if she ever happened to come across any of their parents … she did NOT hesitate to give them a piece of her mind! Sometimes, she was mistaken for the principal of our school J

Shouldn’t I tell the parents of Chucky about his misdeeds? What is holding me back? Am I afraid of embarrassing them? Wouldn’t I be doing them a favour? Would they trust me? Am I doing the right thing by ignoring it?

I don’t know …

There is NO "The End" ...

This is a follow-up to Where is “The End”? post.

I have decided to call the 4-year Old boy, who talks quite violently and enjoys the “an eye for an eye” attitude, “Chucky” … if you know what I mean?! So here is another tale and perhaps I am to blame to a certain extent …

Chucky’s nanny was going away for the holidays and introduced me to her reliever. This reliever was a little bit worried about the walk from school! I assured her that I would walk with her on her first day and that way, she is not stressed out! Even as I assured her, I was a little concerned about my little fella and his classmate, Chucky. I had been avoiding walking with the kid and his nanny for a few days and hoped that the kid has chilled to some extent.

So I waited for the reliever nanny to collect Chucky and we set off on our walk from school. My son started picking up sticks, leaves and pine cones from the sidewalk. After about 10 minutes, his little hands were full and he looked quite happy with his collection. Chucky suddenly decided that he wants to look at the collection. My son refused and moved away. Chucky followed him and insisted on taking the collection from my son’s hands. At that point in time, I gently told Chucky that my son is not interested in showing his collection to him and he should let him be! Chucky is something else … He totally ignores me (again!); grabs everything that my son was holding and walks away triumphantly. Before I could react, my son started crying inconsolably and I reached out to him. I felt like I failed him as a mother in some unexplainable way. It was very sad. All I could say to him was that he could collect other sticks and leaves, and to ignore Chucky who was laughing at him for crying. It took so much restraint on my part to stop myself from grabbing my son’s collection from Chucky’s hands!!

That was the Thursday from last week. Friday was a PD day. On Monday, Chucky’s mother picked him up. On Tuesday, Chucky was not at school. Today, the reliever nanny was happy to see me and waved to me. I smiled back, however I decided to stay a while at school and let Chucky and his nanny have a 5 minute head start. In spite of that, as we got closer to home, I saw Chucky and his nanny who looked like they were waiting for us. Chucky kept calling out to my son and saying how he is always slow. My son did not say anything; however he moved away from Chucky and held my hand tightly. Chucky made his way to my son and started reminding him of how he took away all the things he collected and how he made him cry. Chucky actually started mock crying and then he told my son that it was all really funny! Through all his taunting and teasing, my son was very silent and totally ignored Chucky. We had to part ways at the end of a street and as we walked towards our home, I just felt a sense of pride well up inside me for my 4-year Old. He did NOT allow Chucky to get to him. He actually ignored Chucky.

I don’t know why I am writing about Chucky and his misdeeds. Since my child is involved? Perhaps as a reminder for myself that there will always be others like Chucky in my kids’ lives. There are kids who get a kick out of hurting other kids L It is sad when such a kid is only 4 years old.

Crushes? Crutches?

A few weeks ago, my oldest revealed to me that he has a secret crush! He followed that up immediately with “Don’t tell Dad! He will make fun of it!”. Of course, Craigley need not know about it. I can keep a secret about a secret crushJ. So it turns out it is this girl named C. I asked him if he spends a lot of time with C? It turns out that he actually spends a lot of time with S since they really understand each other and work well together. I wanted to tell him that perhaps he is confused about his crush, however he is 11 years old; really, this is NOT serious by any definition! After a couple of weeks, he actually confided in me that he has changed his mind and there is some other girl who is his crush. He did NOT reveal any names, however I was sure it was S! I was also mighty proud of him for realizing thatJ. A week later, he told me that this whole thing about secret crushes is really silly and he is over it. OK. Who am I to argue with that wonderful logic?

Last night, just before he went to bed, he asked me if I purchased the cans he needed to take to school for the Food Drive. I told him that I did not as there is still plenty of time to donate the cans. My son looked like he was ready to cry. I did not know if that was a good thing or just plain annoying. I know they have been talking about empathy at school; however this reaction was just too much! So, I asked him to calm down and explain the urgency. He started saying how S had been covering for him at school. Every time he forgot something, she had helped him by remembering it for him. Apparently, she requested him to NOT forget bringing in cans as soon as possible since they are competing with another class! He was almost ready to cry since he didn’t want to disappoint her again. It was my turn to almost cry. My boy is growing up … he cares about a girl’s feelings! Crush or not, that’s so sweet.

I immediately put together a few things from our kitchen. His smile, as always, was priceless.

Where is "The End"?

This is a follow-up to my last post.

A couple of days later, I was at my 4-year Old’s school to pick him up; his teacher informed me that the very same boy with an insistence for “an eye for an eye” justice pulled my son’s hair! He pulled it hard enough that ice had to be applied to my son’s scalp. According to the teacher, he cried a bit. A few minutes later, I got a text from the other boy’s mom that simply said, “My turn to say sorryL”!

Of course, this became sensational news at the dinner table. Both Craigley and my 11-year Old announced that the other boy is NO longer allowed in our home and that he should be avoided at all costs even at school. WHAT?? That is not a solution. How do 2 kids avoid each other during 8 years of public school life? I didn’t want to argue with 2 angry guys and agreed to steer away from the other boy as much as possible for the next few days. I also took the time to write an email to the teacher in which I elaborated on the other boy’s use of violent language and requested her to talk to both the boys about appropriate use of language.

When I mentioned the email to Craigley after the boys were off to bed, he was very disappointed in me. He actually called me a “Tattle Tale Mom”! He was like, “You told on a 4 year old kid to his teacher!” Technically, yes; but, NOT really. Don’t they say that it takes a whole village to raise the child? I am trying to help the other boy as well. Craigley’s stance was that we help our boy and the other set of parents will help their boy. And how are we helping our boy? Asking him to stay away from his classmate!

Parenting is like being in a debate club sometimes …

Bad Words

Last Thursday, I was told by my 4-year Old’s teacher that he grabbed a classmate’s hair. Apparently, the other boy grabbed my son’s toy and my son grabbed his hair! I was embarrassed and shocked at the display of such behavior. I mean, no one in our home grabs anyone’s hair … Obviously the weekend was spent in teaching the little fella right from wrong. I also sent a note of apology to the other boy’s mom who let me know that her son has complained about my son on another occasion a couple of weeks ago. I was a little perplexed … Where is this behavior coming from?

2 days ago, on Monday, I decided that it is a good idea for my son to walk home with this boy. Perhaps, they could make up? At least, that was my intention! As we walked home, I also took the opportunity to apologize to the boy and in return, he insisted on pulling my son’s hair. This boy tried to grab my son’s hair which was luckily under 2 hoodies. While he was attempting to demonstrate “an eye for an eye”, his nanny managed to stop him. I was relieved as I am little uncomfortable disciplining other people’s children’s behaviour. My reaction would be to pull my child away and walk away. Since the nanny intervened, we continued to walk together. I thought I will make small conversation to diffuse the situation. I asked the boy what he likes about school. I will never forget his words. He said, “I hate school. I want to take a gun and shoot everybody at school.” As I was reeling from this revelation, my son said, “Yes! I will take a gun to school too!” What? Where is this coming from? At that point in time, I actually told the other boy and my boy that they are not supposed to speak such language. The other boy ignored me and I decided to walk separately with my child.

As we walked, I talked to him about guns and how they are bad. For good measure, I also told him about how people with guns can go to prison. I was so scared that I didn’t even register that I am talking to a 4 year old! I kept repeating that he should not even utter some words since they are bad words. After a couple of minutes, my son asked me, “Like washroom words?” I nodded in agreement. I went from scared to sad when I looked at his face. He is so little. I let him know that guns should only be used by police officers to catch bad people. Good people don’t use guns and good people don’t say bad words. The rest of the walk home was quiet.

However, when we got home, my son asked me if he can say bad words when he is a grown up?

School Councils

Sometime in September, I signed up to be on my firstborn’s school council. What was I thinking? … I was thinking that I have some time with 2 kids at school and it is time to venture out there and do something to make a difference. A trial job before an actual job? However, it is more like a tiny part-time job that takes up a considerable amount of time!!

I have attended 2 meetings so far – one in October and one in November. The very first meeting made me feel quite insignificant and inadequate. I met dads and moms who are working full time and who work on the council raising money for our children’s school. Their efforts fund interesting programs that benefit all the children including my own.

I am now involved in fundraising and I have requested for a “primer” J I don’t know where to start! This lack of “training” on my part has also got me thinking about funding in general at schools. What if parents don’t have the time or initiative to work on school councils … What if parents don’t have funds to contribute to the fundraising efforts … What happens when there are such disparities between schools? I am sure I am not the first parent or person to ask these questions.

Note: Yesterday [November 11, 2012] was Remembrance Day and the boys and I watched the coverage on CBC. As I am writing today, I feel that the phrase we associate with Remembrance Day applies in all walks of life – Lest We Forget …

My Parents

It has only been 9 days since the last post, however it feels longer …

I was a bit busy with my parents’ 40^th anniversary celebration. It was a 2-day event. Celebrating my parents and their life together brought back memories. I wasn’t always the perfect child; however my parents have always been kind and generous with me. Of course, my mom does say some choice words to me once in a while and I believe that one should cleanse oneself of all negative feelings! It is cheap therapy J I will dedicate a post or 2 to my mom sometime in the near future. She is quite a fascinating person.

My dad, on the other hand, has never said anything negative to me till I became a mom. His grandchildren are the centre of his universe. As my dad’s daughter I could make mistakes and was forgiven umpteen times, however as the mother of my dad’s grandchildren, I am not allowed to make any mistakes! Parents!!

However, through all the ups and downs, my parents have been fantastic and I am very fortunate to be their daughter.

An aside: Dear boys, momley’s life is not this perfect and she is not always this positive and happy. You live with her, so you know! She just seems to pick really good days to blog about her life!!

I am NOT an Island

Today, I finally watched the movie Julie and Julia! I cried and laughed through the movie. While I watched, I also felt the intense urge to call Craigley at work and say to him, “You are the butter to my bread”! Hope I quoted that accurately.

Wanting to stay home and take care of the kids is not an easy decision for any couple to make … I am glad Craigley supported me. There are days there is resentment. We could do this if we had two incomes! There are days there is gratitude. I am glad you are the one staying home and dealing with all this. There are days there is jealousy. You are so lucky you get to spend all this time with the kids. There are days of joy. Thank you!

Through all the emotions and ups and downs, I feel lucky. I want my boys to know that their dad loves their momley. And I couldn’t have done it without him!

Thanksgiving ...

On October 2, 2012, I celebrated (mentally) 20 heartwarming years in Canada. I can officially say that I have lived more than half my life here!

On this special 20^th Anniversary Thanksgiving weekend, I am most thankful for my family and my friends. Everyone has contributed to my growth as an individual … daughter, sister, wife, friend, and most importantly, mom!

Recently, my oldest wrote his autobiography for a school assignment and I quote the following excerpts from his work:

I’m really not sure what makes me a worthwhile friend, but friendship means a lot to me.

I don’t really know how to describe my character. But I would say my physical appearance is okay, but not so great, normal, regular and fine.  

This is the same kid, who at 5 years of age was worried about not looking like a “Canadian”! 6 years later, his writing reflects how Canadian he is!

I am so thankful for him and so proud of him.

My youngest, on the other hand, has this tendency to invite everyone to our home. He doesn’t write yet, however this one trait of his reflects his being Canadian J Always welcoming!

While I am on a roll here mentioning the great Canadians in my life, I will also add a few excerpts from my friend K’s comments in response to My Family post from August 21, 2012.

I have a few friends … who used to get asked where they were from a lot. I think people ask in the hopes of starting a conversation or curiosity.

Canada is a multi-cultural place. Being Canadian means having the privilege to understand all cultures which makes us more informed and inevitably smarter and nicer!

On that note, Happy Thanksgiving Canada!

Brothers from the same mother

People often comment that both my boys look very much alike. They probably do, however I don’t see it! It could be because I am so aware of their differences.

My first born started reading at the age of 2 and hasn’t stopped since. He will choose to read a good book over TV, computer or any gadget if given an option. My second one, at the age of 4, still doesn’t recognize the 26 letters of the alphabet!

My first born barely eats 2 fruits and 4 vegetables, whereas the second one devours most fruits and vegetables. My little one loves to pop his head into the fridge to check out what treasures are hiding in there J He lets me know when he is hungry and will grab a snack if need be. His older brother needs to be reminded to eat!

There are always questions/reflections … Did I do everything I could do to prepare them for life?

Am I doing everything I could do to prepare them for life?

I find that parenting has been “trial and error” sometimes. I mean, I learned to be a parent with my children. There are days I got it right and there are days I got it wrong. Today, I just want my boys to know that their mom tried her best and she is not perfect. And it is OK to make mistakes.

I am still learning and I am sure there will be few more mistakes … There will be days I will get it wrong and then, there will be days I will get it right!

To Be is To Pee

René Descartes’ “I think therefore I am” is a well-known philosophical statement. I am no philosopher or a wise person; however I do believe that “Peeing is Being”. And I say that in all humility and from personal experience.

Before I delve into a lengthy recollection of a personal experience, I would like to share that on Day 7 the little guy peed at school. Thank you Ms. F, the ECE (Early Childhood Educator) in his classroom. I can quit worrying now J So, why was I so worried?

Flashback …

About 11 years and a few days ago, a doctor decided to do an episiotomy to help me deliver my first born. After that (un)necessary procedure, my bladder quit on me. I wasn’t really aware of this drama going on in my own body as it didn’t feel like my body at that time. I will save some reading time and will just share these few words … Urologist, Catheter and UTI!! Nightmares to last a lifetime J

It is amazing how women go back and have that 2^nd, that 3^rd or that next child!

End of Flashback.

Enough said for this post. Have a good day all and please don’t forget to pee.

To Pee OR Not To Pee

[Couldn’t resist a shout out to Shakespeare J]

The dilemma that my 4 year old is facing in school currently is just that, “To pee or not to pee”! So far, he has attended 6 full days of JK and each of those days, he did not pee at school. How would I know for sure? Well, when he gets home … it is Niagara Falls (if you know what I mean) … that’s about 8 hours of voluntary water retention!! And of course, his own confession of “I did NOT pee at school!”.

“Why?”
“I don’t know”
“What do you mean by I don’t know?”
“I don’t know”

That was our conversation from Day 1.

On Day 2, as I walked him to school, I told him that he should pee when he needs to. So, did he? NO. Before we walked back home, I requested his teacher if I could take him to the washroom. I thought if he got familiar with the amenities, he might be more comfortable. Turns out, he knew exactly where the “Boys” washroom was. I was a bit shocked to see it … there was pee everywhere! First instinct was to walk out of there …

“OK”, I told him, “Take some tissue and clean the toilet. Then wash your hands. Then you can pee; clean up again if there is a mess and wash your hands again! Got that?”

“What?”, he said, “Why 2 times?”

We got through that somehow and I hoped that I got through to him. I informed his teacher about the little issue and requested to remind the little guy to go to the washroom.

Day 3

“Why NOT?”
“Because the teacher did NOT tell me to!”

Day 4

“Come on dude! This is NOT good for your bladder!!”
“What is a bladder?”
“It holds your pee and it is getting tired!”
“NO! It is in my tummy and my tummy is OK!”

Day 5

I am thinking TGIF (Thank God, It’s Friday!). I can work with him on the weekend. One of the moms suggested that I offer him a small reward like a lollipop or something. She actually had a few in her handbag and gave me one.

As soon as I saw my little one, I asked him, “Did you go to the washroom?”. He beamed and nodded. I felt so relieved. I gave him a hug and the lollipop; thanked the mom and started walking home with a happy smile on my face.

As soon as we got home …

“I have to go pee! My tummy is hurting!”
“You peed at school today, right?”
“No”
“But you went to the washroom?”
“Yes”

I so badly wanted to scream.

Over the weekend, I was talking about it with my brother. The first thing he told me was that I have too much time on my hands. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t spend this much time thinking about my child not peeing at school. Right!

So, I decided to talk to my son one last time and not make such a big deal of it.

Day 6

Half way to home, he says, “My tummy is hurting!”

We walked home as quickly as we could.

 

Baby Steps to Fame

This post is in honour of my friend, KPF, who is from the beautiful Newfoundland and has an awesome sense of humour J KPF has always encouraged me to write and has always shown an interest in my children’s lives. It is his birthday in a couple of days and I thought I could gift him a wee bit of laughter!

I am going down memory lane today.

My first serious attempt to write something and have it published was in 2004. Here is the joke I sent to Reader’s Digest!

My friend, Zion, likes to visit with my 3-year-old son as much as she can. On one such visit, she decided to test his knowledge of colours. She asked him what her hair colour was and he replied, “Black”. Her next question was: “What colour are your eyes?” His prompt response: “Black and white”.

Of course, I did NOT get any response. What I thought of as the funniest observation by my child was/is probably the most common and oft repeated response by many children around the world! Although I continued to think of my child(ren)’s observations as special, I decided to NOT push them for publishing.

Following is one of those observations:

A few weeks after my second child was born, his older brother duly noted that I put the baby in daycare! I was a little concerned, however very relieved when he mentioned that I need to take some time for myself. Just as I was thinking how considerate he is at just 7 years of age, he followed it up with, “I have noticed that the dishes haven’t been washed in 2 days. If the baby is in daycare, you will have time to wash them”.

Happy birthday K!

Another First Day of School and another Identity Crisis!

I did cry and I was a bit surprised! I was willing myself not to cry, however the tears just rolled down as if they had their own free will. This time around, Craigley didn’t tease me or look exasperated … he actually held my hand through the outpouring of all emotions. I was happy and sad at the same time. Some of my friends have questioned this sadness I feel. Why? They ask … Perhaps it is a side effect of making that choice to be a stay-at-home mom. My world typically revolves around my children.

Once the kids are at school, who am I? I had my first identity crisis when my oldest became full time in Grade 1. I was worried about how he would survive without his mom for 7 hours … then it hit me! How am I going to survive NOT taking care of him for 7 hours?! It is a sad realization that staying at home and taking care of the kids is a sweet and short lived “career”. The kids grow up and I have to let go.

When I had that first identity crisis, I was rescued by my second pregnancy J This time around, I need to rescue myself.

First Day of School

I remember clearly that night in September of 2005 … the night before the first day of school for my first born! I was crying at the thought of him being on his own at school (looking back now, it seems a little ridiculous as he had school for merely two and half hours each day!). However, I was crying like he was off to a war zone or at least, that’s how Craigley perceived it J In a delightful twist of events that occurred on the next day, I ended up staying in my child’s class to help his teacher … I was with him on his first day of school! Today, he started Grade 6 and I was there with him as he joined the line of friends/classmates facing their new teacher. As he marched into the school building, I was hoping he would turn back and wave … he did not. I probably would have had a teary moment if I didn’t look at the mom standing beside me. I realized that her son did not wave to her as well. Actually, none of the kids looked at their parents. They were so excited to see their friends and share their summer stories … they just moved forward still talking animatedly. That moment was one where I shared with the other parents … I don’t know what they were thinking, however if I were to share my thoughts … I would tell them that we did a good job! Our kids are on their way!

Tomorrow is a different day. My 4 year old’s first day of school ever. I can’t promise I won’t cry J

July and August 2012

These have been 2 very good months for us as a family. We managed to go on a 10 day road trip through the States, a weekend trip to Montreal and camping! In between, we had visits with cousins and friends. And of course, we went to the movies! Plus we enjoyed some days where we did nothing J

When there is about a 7 year gap between 2 children, it is challenging to plan fun family expeditions where both of them are happy. Usually, compromises are made and they become good learning experiences … at least, I’d like to believe that is the case!

The road trip involved visiting 3 cities in the States – Washington D.C., Philadelphia and New York. It was supposed to be a history lesson for my first born. When we got back, he couldn’t wait to talk about the museums and the monuments he got to see. On the other hand, my little one made it a point to proclaim quite knowledgeably that the hotels were really good!

I don’t know how long I will have the pleasure of going on adventures with my children and share in the joy of being together … All I will say is I am glad I have these opportunities and I am going to make the most of them.

My Family - continued -

Just got back from camping and felt the need to add the following to "My Family" post!

The 4 of us were camping at Balsam Lake Provincial Park for the last 3 days along with my brother and his wife. I wouldn't exactly call camping the" Final Canadian Frontier"; however people are still somewhat surprised to see us! This time around as well, we had our friendly neighbour on site 27 explaining to us the fine nuances of camping while we patiently listened to the information we already knew! He ended his spiel with "where are you folks from?". While 5 out of 6 of us responded, "Toronto", my 4 year old said it twice (perhaps he needed to be heard or perhaps for emphasis) - "We are from Canada!".

It was a moment to cherish.

My Family

How do I describe my family? Perhaps, it is easier to narrate an incident that took place when my first born was 5 years old.

He came home from school quite distressed. I wanted him to talk about what was bothering him. All he could say was, “I am not Canadian!” and he started crying. I gave him a hug and let him know that he was born in Canada and he is Canadian. That’s a fact. He wasn’t convinced. “But I don’t look Canadian!”

All the stories I heard or read about kids who form their identities based on physical appearances did not prepare me for the moment when my own child would question his identity as a Canadian. My first reaction was a mixture of anger and sorrow. Where is he getting this information from? Who is filling his head with this nonsense? Of course, I asked him calmly about his source(s). It turned out they were a few kids from his class! I assured him that they were just kids and what do they know! Bad move … our conversation abruptly ended in tears followed by silence.

I realized that I had just invalidated his concerns by typically brushing it off as “kids’ stuff”. I decided to give us both a break and revisit the issue at a later time.

A couple of days later, it was brought up at a dinner with my in-laws. My mother-in-law launched into how her grandfather came to Canada 140 years ago and how that makes her grandson VERY Canadian. As usual, I was less than pleased with her explanation. I proceeded to let my child know that although his own mother’s family had been in Canada only 14 years (at that point in time), they are also VERY Canadian!

There is the privilege of being born in Canada and there is a conscious decision to become part of Canada … My family is a wonderful blend of both. It does not matter if our families have been here for 14 or 140 years, my mother-in-law and I get asked the same question often – “What part of the world are you from?”

The Origin of Momley

The part of the world I come from, they have this cute way of adding “lu” after a name to make it endearing! When I got married to my husband Craig, I guess the most natural thing for me to do was to call him “Craiglu” … I don’t know why, but I started calling him “Craigley”! He mistook that for “Craig Lee” and was very happy. He grew up wanting to be related to Bruce Lee and this way, his wish came trueJ. After our first child was born, my husband started referring to me as “Mom Lee”. Little did he know that one should spell it as “Momley”!

I am sure there are other children in the world who call their moms “momley” and that puts me in very good company.

The Reason to Be

I have always wanted to write something important. Then I felt that I need to read a lot before I could write anything interesting, let alone important! Well, reading requires time and once I had my children, I got busy with the most important job in my life … being a mom! I forgot about writing and pretty much everything else … I became a stay-at-home mom. That particular decision led to criticism from various sources and I shall NOT dwell on that! I am happy with life as is. I have 2 lovely children – 2 boys born almost 7 years apart.

So, why am I here?

About 5 months and a few days ago, my oldest received his last “Shonen Jump” in the mail. It was the final print issue of the monthly Manga publication and it had “See you in Cyberspace” written over its cover page. As soon as I saw that, I said (rather sadly), “It is the end of an era!” My son responded with, “No mom, it is the beginning of a new era!”

That day, after a long time, I started thinking about writing again. “Is it too late for me?” The answer was the registration of “Momley Moments” on Blogger.com. This blog is not about writing something important. It is about sharing the important moments in my life. Perhaps, other moms will drop by and share their moments. Even if no one does, I hope my children would visit one day and know what joy they bring to my life.

“Dear boys, see you in Cyberspace! Love, Momley.”

First Post

Hello World!