The nanny makes it big!

Not really...

When Hans started at his school 5 years ago, I was mistaken for his nanny. There must have been several reasons for the confusion and none of them are useful for the telling of this tale!

That same year, I had my first taste of a school council at ASid's school where I had to fail and struggle and eventually survive and triumph.

I kinda lost faith in people in general. I developed an intense dislike for school councils. Just wanted to become inconspicuous...and in spite of that resolution, I still ended up attending a school council meeting at Hans' school. And I am glad I did. That's where I met my mentor, Lady A. She actually mistook me for a teacher...which really sat well with me!

Lady A, for some reason, believed in me from the first moment we met. She encouraged me to reconsider school councils. And I did. The following year, I started off at Hans' school as the Secretary on the School Council. I still remember the day after the first meeting; I had this man call out loudly "Secretary!" in my general direction. Well, it was definitely a step up from nanny (not really), but how rude! That man is now my friend G. And I still don't get his sense of humour!

But I digress...

The subsequent year, Lady A showed immense faith again by training me to be the Treasurer! It was crazy for a girl who loves words to take on numbers. But when someone shows faith in me, I feel compelled to "rise to the occasion". So, I did.

This year, both G and I are Co-Chairs on the School Council. Some say that it is the highest honour a parent can have at his/her child's school. Maybe so! But for me, I got to this place because one person believed in me and my capabilities. I took on roles and responsibilities that I would never have considered. It has been a wonderful learning experience.

Today, I had lunch with Lady A and I thanked her for the amazing journey. It really does take one person to change our world. We need one person to believe in us and we can surprise ourselves.

What I also learnt in the process is that the more conspicuous we become in the public eye, the more people dislike us or make up stuff about us. I have never had people not like me and now I have people openly not like me. It hurt my feelings initially, but now I am almost immune.

At the end of the day, it may be an easy choice to crawl under a rock and never come out. But then it sure does take some guts to follow a path someone sets you off on...simply because they believe in you.

Boys, when you find that person, hang on to him/her. You never know what adventure you will get to go on!

 

The Popsicle Saga: Conclusion

Yesterday, on Monday, an email was sent to all the parents at school from the Principal -  the gist of it was that parents should stop bringing Popsicles to the playground after school!

My first thought was "Damn it G!" I was so sure he complained about it. Since I was such an enabler and obviously such a bad influence on Lily! Then I knew within 2.2 seconds of that thought that that was silly because this is the same man who runs around giving out freezies and ice cream when he feels like it. He definitely has double standards, but he wouldn't snitch on a friend!

Well, I did make my way to the Principal's office to apologize.

I felt like I overdid the Popsicles by bringing in 84 of them last Friday. But I wanted to make a point. I wanted to first and foremost empower Lily by making her a giver than a receiver. I also wanted to make sure that no child was left behind. And between Hans and Lily, they covered most every kid on the playground!

There is a great joy in giving. Sure! Life is unfair. But we can be fair. We can teach our children to be fair. We can teach them generosity.

I learnt this from my paternal grandfather. One school year, we ended up with him. My parents were always on a quest for good schools and my dad's job kept us moving from remote places to big cities. Education trumped everything and a decision was made once to have my brother and me go to a school in the city where my grandpa lived. It was awkward for all of us. But we survived. My best memories from that time revolve around the ice cream vendor's visits to my grandpa's home. Although he was our grandpa, he made sure he purchased ice cream for every kid who would show up. He never left a child behind.

My grandpa demonstrated absolute simplicity in his generosity. It was just ice cream, but it made every kid in the neighbourhood a very happy kid.

I hope Hans and Lily felt a joy in giving out the Popsicles. When we can, we must be generous and we must share. Life is not fair, but we sure can be!

It is unfortunate that I can’t reinforce this lesson a couple of more times. Well, at least, I had that one opportunity. Hopefully, it left some impact on the kids' minds.

And yes, I did make my way to the Principal's office and I did apologize. Just because I want to teach the kids an important life lesson does not mean I break the school rules! And even as I plan to not buy any more Popsicles, I silently protest in my safe space here. Why does a school need to run interference in an after school indulgence?!

On that poignant note, I conclude the last instalment in the Popsicle saga.

 

Salt and Pepper

Today, on the playground, G's daughter finally noticed my grey hair and said that I could be a grandma. Fair enough! She is only 8 and she has no filters. She was refreshingly being honest. I didn't mind at all.

Before I proceed, I am going to give G's daughter a name. This is her second appearance here. I am going to call her Lily after my favourite flower. And she is like a lily...pure and innocent in her perception of the world around her.

I have had people beg, demand, plead and request to colour my hair. My own mother is one of them. My friends are some of them. Some random people rounding up the rest of them! Really?! What is the problem?!

...let us fix your hair...let us fix your teeth...let us fix your weight...let us fix you up from top to bottom...

On some days, I am glad I don't have a daughter. I wouldn't know what I would have done if I had one and she succumbed to the pressure of it all?!

But these days, it is not easy for boys either. There is a tremendous pressure to look a certain way for the selfie generation.

In the middle of their summer vacation, I somehow convinced the boys to get buzz cuts. They were very obedient and vanity didn't set in till they saw themselves. ASid literally had a hat on his head from the time he woke up to the time he went to bed. He had a hat on his bed side! Hans, on the other hand, went all dramatic on me. He was like his hair is never going to grow back ever!

Chances are one or both of the boys might lose their hair at a later time in their lives. There is only that much power I can exercise over genetic predisposition. Sometimes, I have to admit defeat to the natural progression of the proverbial circle of life.

So, why am I writing about this at all?!

Well, I am hoping that the boys will not give importance to outward appearances and are able to dig deep within to find better things to fret over...if it ain't broke, don't fix it! Whoever said it had a good point.

And I want to share something someone else said to me a few months ago. This someone was the Principal at Hans' school. As I breezed into her office one day with my hair unkempt and wild, she looked at me and said the following:

I love the confidence with which you wear your salt and pepper.

They were kind words. I am not sure if it is exactly confidence. Some people may call it laziness or negligence. But I don't care! My hair, my way!

But I did tell Lily that she could colour my hair. If she remembers our conversation the next time, I am going to go out and buy her the biggest marker she requested...so she could have fun with my hair.

I do not want to talk life lessons with an innocent little girl, but I want Lily to remember that there was this one woman who was willing to let a child mess with her hair...because at the end of the day, it is just hair!

 

Gender Bias

Yesterday, Hans offered to help me make dinner. He reminded me of my brother. My brother was always in the kitchen with my mom. Where was I those days? Like ASid yesterday, I would usually be on the couch or in my room reading a book…completely oblivious to the world! Lucky for me that my mom was ahead of her times in the mother country and never insisted that, being a girl, I should be in the kitchen helping her instead of my brother.

My brother totally benefitted from all that time spent in the kitchen with our mom. He is a better cook and a better parent than I could ever be. If Hans turns out half as good as his uncle, I would be so proud!

In the world we live in today, children have more freedom to be who they want to be than ever before and yet, some of our expectations haven’t changed at all.

This morning, I was on the phone with a mother from Hans’ school. Her boy is in Grade 6 and does not like sports at all. The teacher wanted him to join the Grade 6 boys’ soccer team. Apparently, the boy politely declined and the teacher kept insisting. The boy stuck to his guns and the teacher was visibly upset with him toward the end of the day. The boy got into panic mode when he got home. He was worried that the teacher probably hates him now. The mother was very concerned and decided to contribute her time at school to just let her son’s teacher know that her boy is a good kid and he means no trouble by sitting out soccer!

It was very frustrating for me to listen to all of the above.

I really didn’t know how to help this parent. The best she can do is to have a candid chat with the teacher about her child’s fears.

There is a lot children are forced to do as part of the curriculum. They are absolutely given no choices. Why then should they be made to feel guilty if they have some free will and decide to exercise it?!

I have a good mind to go speak with the teacher myself. I really want to know if he is insisting on every girl in Grade 6 being on the Grade 6 girls’ soccer team?! If he is, then I can accept his insistence. Perhaps he is trying to be inclusive?! But this is not my battle to fight. It is somebody else’s and I hope her boy feels better at the end of the day!

 

Life is not fair...

Just before the school year came to an end in June, G decided to give out the leftover nut free ice cream to some of the kids at lunch time. It was literally first come first served and G did not anticipate the chaos. He decided to quickly retract on his offer and he had 2 girls walk up to him and tell him that it is not fair! G, being who he is, told them that life is not fair and that they should get used to it!

Guess what happened next?!

A couple of days later, G was called into the Principal's office as the 2 girls complained about him! Obviously G was not in any real trouble. The Principal just wanted to let him know that any parent who is volunteering at school needs to be mindful of the kids' feelings.

Really?! YES. Really!!

Today, I came across this post circulating in cyberspace. It is about Bill Gates and his 11 rules that every kid should know. Rule 1 is "Life is not fair - get used to it!" I thought of G and how I heard it from him first and how he got into trouble for saying it!

Coincidentally, yesterday, I read an article about how we are the worst parents ever! Apparently, we are raising "feel good" and super sensitive children who have lost a sense of reality. Personally, I wouldn't make such blanket statements and it is quite frustrating that my generation's parenting abilities have been questioned and criticized at random by all sorts of sources. My argument has always been that we, as parents in this particular information age, have more challenges to deal with than our parents ever had!

But I digress.

Coming back to today, it was crazy hot summer weather in Toronto. A couple of genius parents (one being me) decided to distribute popsicles to the kids on the playground. I had G's daughter come up to me wondering if there were any popsicles left. I went in search of Hans to find out if there were any popsicles leftover. Luckily, there was one available. I felt good about that!

G had almost the exact same words to say to his own daughter as he did 3 months ago to the other 2 girls.

But I felt like she shouldn't be the only one without a popsicle!

G reminded me that such is life!

I could see his point of view, but what age is an appropriate age for a child to know that hard fact about life. Could they not be a little ignorant and happy for as long as childhood lasts?!

Perhaps I took away a teachable moment from G; however, G had his moment...he let me know very smartly that I was an enabler as in enabling his daughter to eat junk food!

Bill Gates would be so proud of my friend G!

See! 2 friends who are parents and who have 2 different philosophies on raising children! And yet, we are all doing a terrible job of parenting our children?!

Did someone say life is not fair?!

 

September 14

September 14th is one of my favourite days in a given year. That's the day I get to celebrate my friend KPF. On his birthday, I like to write something to make him smile. I am not sure if I always succeed, but I will try for as long as I can.

Here is this year's instalment...

On August 22nd, ASid had friends over from 8 am to 7 pm. Not all friends were there the whole time; but it was a busy day. I got to meet his friends and I was happy to know that they were cool with hanging out at a friend's home playing board games and other games. I was actually impressed with the boys.

After they left, it was the family's turn to come over. Even as I was busy getting dinner ready in the kitchen, I was paying attention to the conversation in the dining room. I heard ASid say these words to my brother: My mom has the coolest friends!

I got curious and started listening intently. Turns out ASid was talking about KPF! I wasn't surprised! He was sharing how KPF gifted them these award winning Canadian chocolate bars. Those bars came wrapped in paper that had tons of information about where the chocolate came from and who made it and other trivia. I believe ASid loved that the process that went into these chocolate bars was "industrious and not industrial"!

KPF is indeed the coolest of my friends. He always has interesting information to share. When I was in Ottawa, I wanted him to write something for me in my journal and this is what he wrote:

Here is to opening up and talking about vulnerabilities.

And this is what he meant by it as explained in a follow up text message:

By telling people personal things, we open up and become closer.

Obviously, we can't do that with everyone we meet; but it is easier with friends. And I got to witness such a moment.

One of ASid's friends walked into our home on August 22nd and handed ASid a $10 note and some art work. He apologized to ASid and remarked that that is all he can afford to give him on his birthday!

I was amazed at the boy's sincerity. This was the boy I was most curious to meet. He is one of ASid's 401 Games' friends with whom he plays Yu-Gi-Oh. I always imagined these friends to be sort of “bad influence" types as in they are wasting my son's time. However, in that small moment of vulnerability the boy displayed, I almost felt ashamed for jumping to such conclusions about him.

I know this is a regular theme in my posts these days, but friendships are important to me. And I am glad ASid has the friends he has. And I am glad I have the friends I have.

I have been wondering what to write for KPF for September 14th this year and then this made the most sense. I will always cherish the 4 hours I spent with KPF last April. As my visit with him concluded, we both remarked how we could both be poor and still be happy.

When KPF said that, I wanted to tell him that he fills my life with richness and that he takes the time to enrich my boys' lives. I didn’t tell him then and I want him to know that now. I also want to wish KPF a wonderful birthday and I hope his life is filled with more of the richness he so unconditionally shares with his friends.

Happy birthday my friend!

 

Build a Sandwich!

Today was the last day of the back-to-school week. Hans has been on and off, and I have tried to be as sensitive as possible. Although he doesn’t feel like he has a friend at school, he has warmed up to a couple of classmates. Still, he has been quite unlike himself.

This morning, I was rushing him to get ready and out of the door by 8:20 am. He was taking his time and I realized I missed a phone call from my friend C. I called her back and found out that she ran out of bread and she couldn’t make a sandwich for one of her 2 boys. So, I told her that I would make it for her boy and bring it to school. Then, I got busy making a sandwich. As I rushed through it and caught up with Hans, he gave me a look that said “what the heck?!”.

As we stepped out, he launched into a monologue that went like this…

I am sure there are 50 moms out there making sandwiches for Aunty C’s son. Maybe more … I am sure even Donald Trump is telling people to “build a sandwich” for her son!

It was a crazy rant, but it made me laugh so much; especially the way he said “build a sandwich”! Of course, I stopped laughing at some point and told him that we got to help out when we can. It is just a sandwich!

Then it got me thinking about my friend C and how overwhelming this week must have been for her. She is working fulltime now and her boys are back at school. She is relying on various family members for drop-offs and pickups. I barely saw her this week compared to before she went back to work. So, I decided to do something nice for her. I decided to cook her dinner. As it is, I enjoy cooking for my friends.

Turned out that she was working from home and so, I got to hang out with her and cook for her a somewhat decent meal that celebrated both of us getting through a hectic week! As usual, she appreciated my effort and it made me glad.

If we must build something, I’d rather a sandwich!

 

Unbelievable!

I did not expect Hans to have a breakdown on the first day of school…in Grade 4! And I didn’t expect to follow suit! The boy was fine over the long weekend as well as this morning.

I was almost tempted to bring him back home with me. But I did not.

First period was French and this was a teacher who had just come back from her one year maternity leave. When I mentioned how sad Hans was, she looked at him and shared that she was sad as well because she left her baby to come back to work. She had tears in her eyes. I quickly gave Hans a hug, and then gave a hug to the teacher as well. I left and didn’t look back.

Got home and realized that I didn’t get to see ASid’s face before he left for the first day of Grade 11. More waterworks followed!

I hope the boys have wonderful days at their respective schools.

When I sat down to write this all out on the computer, I saw this article on Yahoo about parents losing their 6 month old baby because of Hurricane Harvey. That’s a real loss. The French teacher will go back home to her little one after school, and my boys will be home as well. I almost felt stupid to have cried a couple of times today. But then again, we feel what we feel. And I feel better now. I sat down to write a sob story I think and then, I realized it is not the end of my world!

And I hope, somewhere else, some others will feel better soon.

Who is Momley?

... the Krishna blue of her startling brown eyes ...

In my first year at York University, I enrolled myself in a Creative Writing course. That was the first and the last time I ever did that. I started off as the one with the most potential and ended up disappointing my professor on many levels. Even though I self-destructed, I have great memories from that course and I want to share one of them today.

We had this assignment where we had to pick one of our classmates and describe them in 500 words or something like that! I chose this guy who always dressed like a Goth and didn't think anyone would choose me! The worst part of the course was that we always had to read out loud our writing after an assignment had been marked so the others in the class could provide some constructive feedback as well. For this particular reading, we weren't allowed to reveal our subject's name - we had to guess who s/he was!

There was this "mature student" in our class. He was 32. He worked in a factory and one day, he decided to quit his job and go back to school. He felt awkward amongst a bunch of 18-19 year old eager beavers. I had a lot of respect for his tough decision. In a Creative Writing class, he brought with him what the rest of us lacked - real life experience. I almost always looked forward to listening to his readings. This time around, I was caught by surprise as it gradually dawned on me that I was his subject. I think I had tears in my eyes as he finished reading. No one had ever written so beautifully about plain old me...

Toward the end of the course, this man became the most promising student. We all agreed he had a future in writing. Even now, I Google his name sometimes to see if he has something published. Haven't found anything yet!

The point to the story is that we should all have descriptions of ourselves – poetic or otherwise. To see ourselves through someone else’s eyes in a beautiful and positive way! A few months ago, I was fortunate enough to receive a second gift of such words. My friend Maddy wrote the following about me:

She is as soft as her name sounds ... Totally rounded in appearance and in personality, no harsh edges.  Believes in being herself almost to the extent of being rebellious ... But the word rebellious is harsh so doesn't suit her ... I would say being herself without letting society dictate terms is what she is. Sees always the good in people and that is a reflection of her own soul …

Maddy is one of my 4 friends I hold close to my heart. She is the diametric opposite of me. From when I have known her, she has always been happening! She participated in beauty pageants and won some; now, she judges beauty pageants and still can compete with the participants. She is a celebrity in her city. And she is just not a stunning beauty, she is also a mom to 2 beautiful girls; she is an amazing artist, a writer and a philanthropist.

If I have to answer the question "who am I?", I want it to be an amalgamation of several viewpoints...preferably my friends'! They say we are defined by the company we keep. I am blessed to be in the best company possible. I already mentioned H and Chits, now Maddy and then, there is Munny whom I haven't written anything about yet. She is perhaps the closest to who I am.

One of my wishes is to write about these 4 strong women. They don't even live in the same country as I do, but their presence in my life is a force to reckon with! When I write about them, I will be writing about me. And that's what I realized with Momley Moments! By writing about my children, I have revealed quite a bit about myself. I don't need to have a special post titled "Who is Momley?". This is the last one!

Boys, this is the 200^th post! You 2 have inspired me to write so much! Thank you. All I request is that you take the time to write/convey some honest and meaningful words to those you care about; Because, once in a while, we all need little reminders of how wonderful we are!