I recently shared with a friend that a full-time job takes away time that I could use to perhaps write that book or to spend some time with family and friends. Yet, when I am not preoccupied with a full-time commitment, I still get nothing done.
It is easy to blame the several streaming services we subscribe to every month. Each weekend for the last 4-5 weekends, I have binge watched several limited series. I have become selective about watching series with 10 or less episodes. More than 10 episodes is a serious commitment! This has allowed me to feel a sense of self control (although there really isn't any).
Would it be best to simply not watch anything at all? Now, there is a novel idea!
However, there is a real fear of being disconnected to others. Last school year, I was somewhat cool because I got references to shows and series the Grade 8 students were casually talking about.
Would not being able to make those connections make me a relic of sorts?! Who knows?!
I wrote all of that to myself 2 months ago on November 1, 2021. Since then, a lot has happened. 2 weeks prior to the winter break, I was reassigned to an in-person classroom. That was a little stressful as it was also a little unexpected. I actually have a physical classroom for the very first time in my teaching career. It is classified as a “developmentally delayed” classroom. I have 4 students - ranging from 7 to 10 years old. I work with 2 education assistants, and yet I came home tired every workday! I planned to do some work over the break, and instead binge watched like there is no tomorrow. Maybe I needed some normalcy - something familiar and comforting. I guess I achieved that to an extent.
Now, I go back to work in less than 2 days. There is this dreadful feeling inside of me that I have wasted so much precious time - time that could have been invested in my new classroom! However, I also know that when I am back in the classroom, that’s all I will focus on.
So, why I am here on the first day of a New Year feeling like I need to make some changes to my life? I haven’t figured that out yet!
What I need to reassure myself is that I did spend some time with my family and friends. Maybe I didn’t get to everyone, but I did what I could. I had some interesting conversations with ASid and Hans. ASid had a crazy semester and he has decided to give himself a break next semester. Hans took over Christmas and gave me a break. The boys continue to be my best “accomplishments”.
More and more I realize that they need me less and less. Perhaps that is what I am missing out on - being a major part of their lives. I am trying to fill my time with work and catching up on missed movies and shows. The sense of purpose I have as their mother is so strong that I am afraid to replace it with anything else. Anything else may fall short or disappoint.
It is good to take some time and reflect on life as a year ends and a new one begins. I am sure I will also figure out how to spend my time in a purposeful manner. Until then, I hope this is the best year yet for me and for everyone else.
