Lying vs NOT Telling

I have been quietly working on the yearbook for Hans' school. By quietly, I mean that I didn't tell Craigley about it. 2 days ago, Hans caught me on the computer and exclaimed loudly, "You are working on the yearbook again!" So, I told him to say it even more loudly so Craigley could hear it and get upset with me for taking on some more volunteer work! Obviously, I was being sarcastic. Hans looked a little confused and walked away. But it is never that simple with this boy.

Yesterday, he caught me again! He asked me why I was lying to his dad?! I told him that I am not lying; I am simply not telling his dad about it. There is a difference! Then he wanted to know why I wasn't telling his dad about it?! I told Hans that I didn't want to upset his dad. I was hoping that my short answer would suffice and luckily for me, it did! All Hans responded was with "can I tell my friends at school?" He was quite happy when I gave him permission.

Hopefully, the matter ended for Hans there. For me, it became an introspective issue. I pride myself in being an honest person. It felt like I was being a bit of a hypocrite.

Then I thought about this blog. It has been a little over 5 years and I haven't told Craigley or the boys about it. The dozen or so friends and family who know have been kind enough to keep it a secret. Craigley and the boys not knowing is important because I want to capture authentic moments in the boys' lives that they can revisit later and walk down memory lane. I guess I can rationalize it and it helps that I am dealing with adults who know right from wrong, and who understand where I am coming from.

How can I rationalize a similar request with Hans? He is 8. He is quite mature and sensible for his age; however, does he truly understand where I am coming from?! OR would he follow my example by withholding information every time he thinks he could face conflict or punishment?! 

On the flip side, it is not a bad survival strategy. For now though, I need to debug some faulty programming that I unleashed in my child's brain.

Bad Momley! I told myself as I drifted off to sleep.

This morning, I shared my concern with both the boys at the breakfast table and this is what ASid had to say:

Be consistent. Be who you are. Do what you always do. Be a good role model. Find the right time to tell dad and get it over with.

It is rewarding when I hear words of wisdom from my child who is growing up into a thoughtful young man. And he is right! It would be ironic if Hans was ever afraid to share information with me because he is worried that I might be upset or get mad. It would definitely be ironic because my first choice for a name for Hans was a word that translated to “Fearless”!

 

I do want my children to be fearless and speak their minds. I am so glad they are mirroring my sentiments. How lucky am I?! VERY!!

 

The 5-hour Science Experiment

ASid has the awesome tendency to spring last minute requests on us. This time, he needed a kitchen for a science experiment that involved baking.

For reasons that are boring and not necessary for the telling of this tale, ASid and his 2 friends (a boy and a girl) ended up in my mom's kitchen. What is important to divulge here though is that my parents recently moved into their new custom built home; and my mom decided to let 3 teenagers use her brand new oven that she herself hadn't used! It is also quite pertinent to reveal that she thought they were baking for charitable reasons and it turned out they were conducting a scientific experiment! Not just that, they were filming the whole thing as they made 4 batches of muffins with different ratios of ingredients.

Here are some choice remarks by the grandma:

These kids can't crack an egg!

They just dropped the entire contents of a small vanilla extract bottle on my new floor!

… And then they dropped some freshly squeezed lemon juice!

Does 30 seconds twice mean 60 seconds at once?

My mom was perplexed and mystified and annoyed and horrified. She kept cleaning up after every batch trying to save her spanking new kitchen. 5 hours later, she was happy to help the 3 teenagers pack up so they could go home, and she could then wash her whole kitchen and remove all traces of them ever being there!

This is what ASid had to say on the way back:

Wow, grandma pulled out stuff from nowhere. She had everything we needed.

Mom, you are the secret MVP.

At this point in time, I must also reveal one of Craigley's comments:

ASid, your mom would never have let you use her kitchen!

To which, I responded:

I would have...in the name of science and for science!

All comments and remarks aside, it does take a few city folks to raise 3 teenagers.

- three parents went shopping separately and bought the ingredients for the experiment

- one parent picked up the 3 teenagers from school and dropped them off at my parents' home

- my friend Y helped me pick up pizzas for 3 hungry teenagers

- Craigley came by to pick us up and drop off one of the teenagers on our way home

- my mom was brave enough to let us all into her home (although this might be the first and the last time; only time will tell)

The experiment took about 5 hours from start to finish. The teens weren't sure if they proved their hypothesis. Does it matter? I told them that admitting to being wrong about their hypothesis is one possible conclusion as well. In life, not always are we right about everything; sometimes we are wrong!

To be honest, the teens could have told me to buzz off! They probably wanted to, but instead two of them simultaneously quoted Edison and had this to say:

I have not failed. I just found 10, 000 ways that won't work.

Nothing more to say or write after that!

 

Note: All the above happened yesterday. It was also the day I shared this blog with my dad. I had to let my parents know I am doing something somewhat useful in my life…on top of raising a teenager who drops everything and can’t crack an egg!

 

Failure and Next Steps

The children my boys associate with, for better or for worse, are mostly privileged. Most of them have everything they need and want. I am not sure how many of them have actually experienced failure of any kind?!

Not getting into the CW is definitely Hans' first taste of failure. I don't want it to leave a bitter taste in his mouth forever. I am sure it won't. All of us, family and friends, have been working on making it normal for Hans. I think it is important for him or any child to understand that sometimes even after we work hard, we won't reach a goal or achieve what we want! Hopefully, such failures make the boys hungrier and they will work harder than before to reach that next goal.

As a parent, I found it tougher to get past my child's loss. However, I realized that I needed to accept it and move on so I could help my child move on. So, I did. Hans and I discussed next steps. He wants to continue with his piano lessons. Hans may audition again in the near future or at high school level. He is keeping his options open. He may decide to follow in his brother's footsteps and get as far away from Arts as possible. Hans can do whatever he wants to do.

Meanwhile, I did take Hans to the LEGO store. Initially, he wanted to buy the biggest set for his friend K. Once he got to the store, he was a "normal" 8 year old boy. He picked up one set for K and 3 for himself, and we spent about $150. Hans couldn't wait to drop off K's set at his home. I didn't realize that in trying to make my child feel better, I may be making another parent feel uncomfortable. In spite of it, Hans was able to drop off a LEGO set for K as K's mom was super gracious.

Both Hans and K didn't make it to the CW; however, they will build their sets and then, get busy playing with them. Soon, the auditions will be a distant memory. There will be other mountains to climb and other hurdles to cross. Right now though, both the boys are happy and that's all that matters. Everything else can wait.

 

The boy with the best heart!

After 15 months of effort, Hans didn't make it at the CW auditions. It was a disheartening result to say the least. I did not cry in front of my boy, but I did have a good cry...and in the middle of it, my friend H from half way across the world called to tell me not to cry! It made me realize how many people in my life were routing for Hans and me. The outpouring of love and support was unbelievable.

Amidst it all, my positive side kicked in. 

Yes, the boy didn't get in. So what?! It is not the end of the world. In the last 15 months, he learnt to play the piano, sing and dance. He had classes through one summer and two winter breaks. He complained a bit, but kept going and did not give up. I can only be proud of him. He is only 8 years old.

5 kids from his school auditioned. Hans and another boy K were in group 1 and auditioned at the beginning of February. The other 3 were in group 2 and auditioned later in February. Hans shared every bit of his audition details with the other 3. He was totally selfless and said that he wanted to help his friends get in. The other 3 kids made it; Hans and K did not!

I felt bad for my boy who showed such generosity of spirit at such a young age. I was upset that a school such as the CW would have the exact same audition for 2 groups of kids 3 weeks apart. Where is the creativity and originality? Maybe I have a case of sour grapes?! That's OK. I don't care at this point in time.

So, to cheer up my little guy, I offered to take him to the LEGO store and buy $200 worth of merchandise. 

His response: Can I give half to K?

I wanted to cry again, but I didn't. I told my boy that he has a priceless heart. He did not understand what I meant. But I hope he keeps his heart that way. He has the best heart I know and I am so glad that he is a part of my heart.

It is really a sad day for the CW to have lost a boy with heart. As they say, someone's loss is someone else's gain. Hans is on his way. He has a remarkable spirit and he is going to leave his mark on this world.

If I am sure of one thing, I am sure of this!

Hello World! Here comes Hans!

Note: All of the above happened yesterday and this morning, Hans was up at 5:45 am for his 7 am hockey game. As I sit in front of my desktop, all I can do is sing…He gets knocked down and he is up again; no one can keep him down…Thank you Chumbawamba for “Tubthumping”; it sure keeps me going!

 

Wow! When did they get this smart?

Over the weekend, we went to see my parents and we ran into someone we hadn't seen in a long time. This man is a young parent who respects my opinions when it comes to raising children. To that extent, he invested a huge amount of money in a house in our neighbourhood so his children can go to the same school as Hans. His children are twins who recently turned 4 and will start Kindergarten in September.

As usual, he had a question for me. Should he be looking at a private French school for his children instead?! Before I could answer, Craigley jumps in to say that this father should get his children to learn the language he speaks! Why bother with French?! Canada has a couple of other second languages that are coveted more than French!!

This is a sensitive topic for me and in my opinion, French is the way to go! Isn't that the truly Canadian way?! It looked like it was going to be a good old showdown between Craigley and Momley. Then, something interesting happened...ASid requested that he be allowed to speak if his parents had done their bit. Since we were at my parents' home and since they enjoy an opportunity to hear their first grandchild speak, we let ASid have the floor.

This is what he shared. I can only summarize from memory.

It doesn't matter what school you send your child to or how much money you spend; if you are not spending time with your child, you don't know what they are learning or if they are learning. I know some kids who are from that private school who can't say a word beyond "Bonjour" in a conversation. I also know some kids from my school who are baffled with the same information every school year. So, just be a good parent.

There was a momentary silence and then the young parent says something like he should be consulting with ASid from then on. I couldn't agree more. I was so beaming with pride.

Then, we saw Hans' hand was up. He wanted to speak as well.

This is what he said. I actually remember almost every word of it.

Some schools are like Barbie dolls. Some are like Transformers and then some are like LEGO. What would you choose? You must choose LEGO because you can build Barbie dolls and Transformers with LEGO. So, you get everything.

We were all perplexed by his analogy, but then I could only beam some more.

When did the boys get this smart? Who cares? I am just glad they did! Thanks boys for a wonderful moment!
 

Frailty of Life: Parenting is NOT a Competitive Sport!

I have been sick for a couple of days and today, I feel worse. However, I am still up and getting the boys ready for the day. That's what most parents do; they don't take a day off because they are sick. They may call into work sick, but they will plod along at home!

So, this is a post for parents by a parent who feels like we are such awesome people…almost always!

Yesterday, my friend Y remarked that it is quite wonderful what I am doing with the blog; she wished she could do more for her own two boys. I had to give her a reality check and let her know that this is nothing special. I like writing in general and this is something I enjoy doing whenever I can; this is not work, but an escape for me. Reality is that my younger boy struggles with writing. I haven't yet motivated him to enjoy writing as much as his mother does. What may look like a success from one perspective is perhaps just that...a perspective!

On the other hand, I know parents who work the whole day and come back home to help their children be their best and do their best. Y and her husband definitely belong in this category of parents. At the end of the day, parents can only do what they can do for each of their kids. If I start comparing myself to some of the parents I admire, I would probably crawl under a rock and never come out.

A while ago, I wrote a post about happy parents. Fundamentally, I still believe that if we are happy people, we can raise happy children. We have to do what works for us. There are no rules and there are definitely no winners or losers. There is no finish line…just some milestones on the way where we can take a short break and enjoy a well-deserved moment.

Note: Any advice I have is meant for the boys to think about if or when they become parents themselves. I am no expert and I do not expect anyone to consider this blog in any advisory capacity. I am simply observing and documenting moments in my life as a parent! As I do that, my friends occasionally read, and sometimes respond with other perspectives that the boys can mull over in the future. So, their contributions are what make this blog wonderful!