Children morphing into their Parents!

I haven't written about Hans in a while. The boy has been kinda quiet. He is not looking forward to going back to school without his 3 friends!

We had the exact same situation with ASid prior to Grade 4; it was worse as the boy was being shipped off to an entirely new school where he had no friends!

As parents, all we could do then and all we can do now was/is to ensure that the friends the boys care about remain their friends no matter what. We succeeded in this endeavour with ASid. He is still friends with his SK/Grade 1 friends through 4 different school changes. At the same time, he has also cultivated new friendships.

Even though Hans has a success story for reference, he is not entirely sure about his own fate. So, we arranged for a few play dates with his 3 friends before school starts. Today was the last of the play dates and he had 2 of the 3 friends over. In preparation, Hans decided to spend some of his birthday money to buy presents for his friends. Hans has been saving this money since May so he could pool it with some Christmas cash and buy one of the items from his "dream list”. However, he was happy to indulge his friends instead.

What can I say?! I see a success story for Hans as well!!

There is a cautionary advice about marrying someone after spending some time with their parents. Apparently, children eventually become their parents. Obviously, that is a gross generalization. But I am almost always happy when I see some positive aspects of mine reflected in my children. I hold my friendships dear and my life has been better because of my friends. I hope the friendships, the boys have, last long and make them better people as well. It is not just parents who influence their children, friends become a huge part of their circle of influence. Given that, there is quite a possibility of people morphing into their friends. So I am happy to put in the time and effort to ensure a desirable morphing!

 

When Politics comes knocking on your door ...

Our last stop on our way home from the East Coast trip was Ottawa. If there is a possibility of visiting with KPF, I always make the effort. This time around, ASid wanted to make the effort as well. We had a good couple of hours with my good friend. 

KPF not only listened to the boys talk about our trip, he also engaged them by asking them interesting questions. One of the questions he asked the boys was, "If you could change one thing in this world, what would it be?" To which, Hans responded with "I would be President of America instead of Trump and I would change the name of the country to HansAmerica!" KPF had to remind him that he needs to be an American citizen first to be the President. Strangely, ASid also had a political response. He said something like "I would change the decision making process in the Canadian government and I would also look into the fiscal situation in Europe." I looked at my friend and thanked him for asking that question. I got to see a different side to my boys.

That was 16 days ago.

Today, our Premier Kathleen Wynn and her aides came knocking on the doors in our neighbourhood. As soon as I found out, I literally hollered for ASid to get out of his room and make an appearance. For once, he made an appearance with a smile. One of the aides spoke with him for a couple of minutes and decided he is gifted, and wanted the Premier to meet him! I was like lady, you are too kind. He is not gifted or anything! But she insisted. She worked as a psychologist with TDSB and she was part of the identification and placement process for the gifted program. When I heard that, I thanked her and decided to not contradict her.

It was wonderful to meet the Premier. She talked to ASid about dropping by her office and maybe getting involved and getting some voluntary hours. I wanted to tell her that the boy does not need any more voluntary hours. At this point in time, ASid has close to 200 community service hours; however, I thought it would be great to show a wide range of interests within the hours he accumulates. So, why not?! But I didn't say anything. Then, ASid surprised me and got the phone number and address from the Premier herself!

I am not sure if ASid would actually do anything with the information he collected. Maybe he was just being polite and nice. Because, even with the aides he spoke with, he mentioned that he is interested in Engineering and Physics. He never said anything about wanting to be involved with Politics. 

However, as his mother, I want him to explore every opportunity that comes knocking on his door.

As a follow up to his conversation with us, KPF sent me a link to a TED Talk. It was about designing one's life. The gist of it was "get curious, talk to people and try stuff". ASid always describes himself as curious (in one word) and he has started talking to people. He just needs to try stuff. I hope he visits the office of the Premier one day and learns something interesting about himself if not politics!

A mother can always hope ... and a mother can also dream of her son being the future Prime Minister of our country. Why not?! Anything is possible. We just need to open that door.
 

The games we play!

ASid is 16 as of yesterday. 

He shared a reflective moment with me and declared solemnly that he has said some stupid things in the last one year. I agreed by reminding him that he called babies jerks! To which, he replied that NOT just babies, but 7-8 year olds are jerks as well! 

Wow!!

It turns out he looked back on his comments on his Facebook account that led him to the conclusion that he said some stupid things in the last one year.

I remember counselling ASid in Grade 6 that he must be very careful about what he posts out there in cyberspace. Once words are out there, they circulate without gravity...forever! We cannot bury them however badly we wish we could.

The catch 22 here is that kids these days are doomed whether they do or whether they don't. If they are not active on social media, they are not happening. If they are, they should regret that they are happening. I think the word they use these days is “trending”; however, fame is fickle and fleeting! Kids are smart, but they can get high on the number of likes they get on a comment and keep going...and going. Adults have barely any control, so why blame the kids?!

To his credit, ASid does not use his full name and has a partial alias for all of his social media accounts which are about 5 and counting. He also did a little social experiment and changed his birthday to the day before on Facebook. When he did, he did let his friends know that. He wondered how many would remember and to his amusement, several got "baited"!

Gone are the days when people used their good sense to guide them. There is too much dependence on what's out there. If the Internet says it, it must be true. But it is not the Internet's fault. And I am glad ASid took responsibility for his self-confessed stupidity. Also glad he uses aliases; if not, in the real game of life, he could lose so much.

Even if ASid chooses to indulge himself in this game of aliases, I hope he has enough good sense to continue to mind the words that he posts out there. In an age where one can have hundreds of “friends” online, who can he really trust?!

 

The biggest villain!

I promised Craigley on several occasions that if I ever wrote, he would be portrayed as the biggest villain in my life. He has never protested on any of those occasions and so, I am inclined to believe he wouldn't press a lawsuit against me when he chances upon this blog.

From the outside, it looks quite glamorous. An interracial marriage and biracial kids! The reality is quite something else. 2 individuals from 2 different racial, cultural and religious backgrounds who get married also need to contend with 2 different sets of personalities and upbringing (like most married couples). A marriage is a lot of work. It starts where a fairy tale ends.

On the trip, Hans (Yes! The boy is alive and well) noticed that his parents were getting along splendidly. I guess we did. At home, we are always arguing about something or the other. Maybe it has become a source of entertainment for us or some sort of a sad addiction. Even on the trip, we did argue a bit and ASid literally asked us to be quiet on a couple of occasions. 

Since we were together so much, Music was a saviour of sorts. Craigley was thoughtful enough to bring Music along that appealed to all of us. The Beatles are hands down Craigley's favourite group and he played their songs quite a bit. ASid was allowed to play his Music as well and we enjoyed his choices too. He also made sure he played songs that appealed to most everyone in the car. We sang like crazy for hours.

So, it was quite the pleasant surprise when we walked into our hotel lobby in Halifax and saw a framed picture of The Beatles on Abbey Road. It was there for anyone to bid and win. It was part of the Make a Wish Foundation's plans to raise funds. It was like a sign!

I do not drive and each time we plan a road trip, I feel terrible that Craigley has to do all the driving. This was our longest road trip ever. And I felt worse than ever! I vowed to myself a long time ago that I would never doze off when Craigley is driving. I would be up and keep him company no matter how tired I am or how tempting a nap is! However, on this trip, I wanted to show my appreciation in a more concrete manner.

So, I bid on the framed picture of The Beatles. Usually, I never win anything. This morning, a huge package was delivered to our home. I was very excited and I was hoping Craigley would be just as excited when he opened the package. Lucky for me, he was! Then, he wanted to know if I had bid on the framed picture of U2 that replaced The Beatles the day we left our hotel in Halifax?!

U2 is my brother's favourite group and it was thoughtful of Craigley to remember that. However, my brother would rather I buy him tickets to a U2 concert than gift him a framed picture of his favourite group!

Well, we all have our preferences. And I am glad I was able to do something for Craigley that actually surprised him and in fact, delighted him. He wanted to hang the picture frame right away, but it is a monstrous one and would need some work.

While he figures that out, I will continue to portray him as the biggest villain in my life. Stay tuned folks!

 

Sweetness!

ASid is 4 days away from turning 16, and I was struggling with what to write about this sweet milestone. Yesterday, he said something that totally inspired me to write this post!

We were discussing a dad throwing his son out of their home because the son wasn't exactly doing well at school or home. Having known this child since he was a toddler, I sympathized with the boy. To my surprise, ASid thought I was being unfair by blaming the dad 100%. I agreed but I was going by my knowledge of the decisions the dad made for this boy in the past that affected his present situation. Of course, I added that one can only blame a parent for a certain time frame; after that, a child needs to take responsibility as well.

As we dwelt on this unfortunate situation, ASid shared that most problems people experience are because of miscommunication and inconsistency. That is when he surprised me with his maturity. What he said is so true and I hope he remembers his own words as he moves through teenage into young adulthood and for the rest of his life!

It was then that I decided to take a moment to appreciate him coming out of his room to chat with me. To which he responded with "I am 45% introvert. I need time by myself to recharge. I hope you noticed I have gone out to meet with my friends at least 3 times each week!"

Well, I never argue with logic even when I don't understand where the stats come from; however, I decided to not ask!

A couple of years ago, I attended a seminar on teenagers with some other well-meaning parents. When I mentioned this to ASid at that time, he asked me if he was a problem?! I told him that he was not and I was only attending out of curiosity and to arm myself with information if I ever needed it in the future. When I did attend the session, there were many parents there. Some talked about how their teens have stopped communicating completely with them. I saw parents who were distressed. The speaker's best advice to all of us parents gathered there was to tell our teens that we love them and hug them as often as we can.

I hope ASid knows how much I love him. I really have very little to complain about. I am truly fortunate to have him as my teen. For his 16th, I wish him the independence he seeks in the form of a driver's licence and some summer pay cheques. I also hope he realizes that it is eventually determination and diligence that get us what we want.

 

Ca(r)bin Fever!

On the trip, we spent as much time in our car as we did in random hotel rooms.

 

It was great to spend plenty of time with the teen. On a normal day, we see him for about an hour or less. He is usually holed up in his room. On the trip, we were literally together 24/7. He kept modifying the phrase "familiarity breeds contempt" to "proximity brings contempt"...and it did! He kinda hated almost all of us toward the end. He even started swearing openly without any filters.

 

I cannot forget these 2 nuggets:

 

- "weird a** street signs" is what he called the tiny signs for street names in one of the towns!

 

- he proclaimed rather loudly that another name for a certain advisory site for trips is "500 A**holes", and he said this right in front of his grandma! Luckily, his grandma didn't hear or pretended to not hear!

 

One quotable quote from the teen: When asked why he swears, ASid said, "I use swearing to emphasize a point and not as guns against people. I am not attacking anyone!"

 

I got to see my oldest in a new light for sure. However, the boy I nurtured for almost 16 years is still there beneath the volatile teenage exterior.

 

Here are moments I'd like to remember:

 

- he gave his grandma a hug or more every day, and he kept telling her, "anything for my beautiful grandma".

 

- he took on the role of navigator from me and let me read book 2 in the Game of Thrones series. He also bought me a bookmark to replace the shipment slip I was using!

 

- he entertained his younger brother in the car by conversing with him about Pokemon.

 

- he actually had a few civil exchanges with his dad.

 

- he also remembered to thank his uncle.

 

In spite of all his outbursts, he maintains his integrity. He is honest about his feelings even if that involves telling his family that they let him down. On the other hand, he is upset with himself if he realizes he let his family down. As long as he understands that none of us are perfect, I will totally ignore the occasional filter less outburst!
 

Canada 150...better late than never!

For more than a year, our grandiose plan was to spend Canada 150 in our capital. We found out a few days prior to July 1st that we were unable to go through with our plans. Disappointment couldn't begin to describe how we all felt collectively...

The East Coast trip more than made up for it! Now we have our own Canada 150 moments!

Parts of our country are what songs describe as "moving pictures", and we were fortunate to see so many of those! Even a simple drive was sublime - sometimes there were never ending fields on both sides of the road and other times, the roads were lined with picturesque trees; and some other times, we were graced with water of all shades of blue wherever we looked.

I will especially remember the red mud/sand of Fundy and the rocks of Peggy's Cove. None (hu)man made; all gifts of nature!

Recently, Coca Cola released a commercial to commemorate Canada 150. The commercial is a personal favourite of the boys and mine, and it ends at Peggy's Cove. So going there was also a sweet shared experience and hopefully a memorable one for the boys.

So glad we took the time to do this and so glad my brother joined us. He mapped out the trip and booked all the hotels. I really felt like I was on vacation. I had nothing to worry about. All I had to do was enjoy all that our country has to offer, and I did!

Thank you Canada! Wish you stay this way forever!

Mistaken Identity?! I think NOT!!

Some people keep telling me to have a third child. They (collectively) believe that it will be cool for me to have a daughter. The boys have bought into it (especially Hans) and they sometimes wish for a little sister. Honestly, if someone can guarantee a daughter, I might consider a third child. However, in all honesty, I say that to humour people. The honest fact is I firmly believe in what one of my friends once said, "The factory is closed forever!"

But when I saw Moana, I told the boys that the figment of Disney's imagination could be their sister. Some people rolled their eyes. Some people said SURE and then rolled their eyes! The boys were like sure mom, Moana is our sister. I liked the character's spirit and felt like that's how I would like my daughter to be. It didn't matter to me that the character is supposed to be Hawaiian and of course, an animated fictional character! And that's precisely what some people focused on and that's why they rolled their eyes. However, I can be unnecessarily stubborn at times.

Today, on our way from Peggy's Cove to Lunenburg, we stopped at an Irving gas station. As I paid for the random selection of baked goods I picked up, a man asked me this question, "Where are you from?" I simply replied, "Toronto." He wanted to know where my ancestors came from. So I told him. He was not convinced and insisted that I am from Hawaii! I was secretly delighted, but denied it. He was like come on! You must have been mistaken for Hawaiian before?! I was like NEVER!! The guy was like look at your eyes. I wanted to say SURE and roll my eyes at him! However, I appreciated his stubbornness which kinda matched with my own.

Finally, someone who may not roll his eyes if I said Moana is my daughter! What a sweet moment!

Finger Pointing!

Road trips can make or break families...

 

There are times when everyone is frustrated with everyone and there are times when everyone is super amiable with each other...

 

It has been 8 days and 8 nights, and we have had our moments. 

 

Obviously, my need to do laundry has been questioned and put up with! It turns out my brother has a phobia of doing laundry in public washers and dryers. He almost transferred the phobia to me, but I am kinda immune at this point in time!  In fact, the receptionist at our hotel in Sackville, New Brunswick, remarked that no guest has shown as much enthusiasm as I did at the mention of their laundry service! 

Apart from laundry, most everything has been questioned. I will not go into details. But I will take a moment to appreciate my mom in this post. I rarely do this in real life. 

 

Right now, my mom is travelling with her 2 kids, 2 kids-in-law and 3 grandkids. We are all kids to her. It probably drives her crazy when ASid buries his face in some hand held device or his phone, and exhibits amazing anti-social behaviour or when RoV needs an iPhone to calm him down! However, she hasn't said as much as she usually does. She is happy to spend this time with her grandkids.

 

The other adults have lost it a few times. Once again, I will not go into details. There are only that many lawsuits I can manage in the future!

 

What I realized is that we can play the blame game and fault someone for every misery we encounter. However if we understand that we are all just different in our own ways, then we can chalk it down to personality differences and move on. Sometimes it is our own that gets in the way. It is totally OK to apologize to others. As my mom likes to remind us...when we point a finger at someone, there are 3 fingers pointing at us! And I give "1 thumb up" to that!

The Times - they have changed!

Our first stop was Quebec. Been there several times. This time, we picked a different location - Sainte-Catherine-de-la-Jacques-Cartier, the longest name I have come across for a town! The location doesn't matter; it always feels like another country in Quebec. I like it though; it feels like I am in Europe without leaving Canada. I also like the fact that I have a boy who can speak the language.

 

However, the boy has been lately unlike his usual self. The first day, I ran into a Quebecois man who could barely speak English. As soon as ASid joined me, I proudly introduced him to the man as my son who can speak French. The man was delighted to learn this. I looked at ASid to start a conversation. All he did was look at me with a look that clearly stated, "Ma! I am not a performing parrot!" He grunted a Bonjour and shut down! The man left after a couple of minutes. Silence is sometimes just plain awkward.

 

On the other hand, a few weeks ago, I was at my parents' home and my mom wanted me to sing something for her and the people gathered around her. I was like seriously?! What am I?! A record player?! She was like just sing already!! So I did and instead of thanking me, she had this to say, "The sweetness in your voice is gone." I was like damn it Jim! I am not sixteen!

 

The point is that I still kinda listen to my mom when we are in company. In private, I can go disobedient child and rebel on her. In public, she gets her due respect. I am not saying that kids have to be mindless drones to their parents' commands. I am just saying that it would be nice if they could follow up on a request that doesn't take much effort. Making people happy, especially people who are parents, is not always an easy task; but it is not an impossible one either!

 

An aside: When ASid came across this cute girl behind an information desk on L'ile d'Orleans, his French came out effortlessly and without any prompting from his mother! Sigh! ... But on the positive side, he actually spoke the language! What does it matter who got him to speak?!