Drawing the Line and Doing Nothing!

Sunday's last words with Hans

"What are we doing Monday and Tuesday?"

"Nothing."

"Good! Nothing is my favourite thing to do!"

Hans had an all-day playdate, on Wednesday, with a friend he hadn’t seen in over a year. He was so excited that he wanted to do nothing and just look forward to the playdate.

Monday afternoon's exchange with ASid

"I need help writing a dissertation!"

"I have a child coming in 30 minutes for tutoring."

"I just need some ideas. Talk to me mom."

"How about last night's gun violence?!"

"What?!"

"Forget it. Let us talk about you. Your dad thinks you need a summer job. I don't think you need one because your needs are being adequately met. The summer job will only fund your wants and there is no end to wants. Where do we draw the line?"

"Wow mom! I like that about where to draw the line. I think I will use that to start my paper!"

ASid has been doing his online course since July 3^rd and tomorrow is his last day. He realized that doing a course, which is usually spread over an entire school year or a semester, within 4 weeks is not easy and especially so when it is a Grade 12 course. It has been a nice wakeup call for him! Hopefully, he goes into the last year of high school in September with this valuable insight.

Wednesday's words with a parent

"You are too nice and so she is not afraid of you."

"If she does not like doing homework and I punish her by giving her more homework, it is not going to help. How about you take away something she likes when she doesn't do homework?! Maybe reward her with something she wants if she does do her homework?!"

This is the parent of a child whom I tutor 3 times a week. I always find it interesting when parents place the responsibility of disciplining their children on other adults who deal with their children. In this case, homework is assigned as something that needs to be done at home. So, technically, whose responsibility is that?! The child is only 9 and I am sure I should not entirely make her the responsible party here!!

I am mostly relaxed when it comes to parenting and I believe summer holidays are a chance for kids to take time out to explore interests that they are unable to pursue during a school year. It is also an opportunity to do nothing. Eventually, the clock will wear us all down. So, why not chill and let chill when we can?!

On that note, I do admire this parent who is concerned about her child's learning. Her child will start at the CW in September and this parent is ensuring that her child is ready for the demands of a new school. That kind of thinking, I cannot disagree with on any level!

Parenting is not easy and we all do what we can, given who we are and with the means we have. We do not have all the answers. And one day, we may have to draw that line and do nothing!
 

Debatable Censorship

Is there really any other kind of censorship?!

ASid recommended another Netflix series a while ago. I am all for Utopia, and watching this dystopian series has been a horrific experience. ASid has been watching a bit here and there with me. We watched an episode, about a woman's obsession with how people perceived her, a couple of nights ago and last night, we had a raging discussion.

The discussion started off with the concept of rating people and then segued into people commenting on pictures or posts on social media sites. ASid is of the opinion that all comments should have the right to see the light of day; he expressed an extreme dislike for people who delete comments they do not like! He believes that if one puts oneself out there, one should be able to face the music however good or bad it is.

The boy was too intense for me.

He got me to think though...

For this blog, I have chosen the settings that allow me to have the ability to make comments public or not. If ASid found out, he probably would be disappointed in me.

ASid is aware that his view probably does not reflect the majority of views out there.

I agreed right away. If I posted a picture of my children and I have someone make nasty comments about it, I would want to delete those comments. Why would I support a stance that would take away my ability to delete what I do not like?!

I kept thinking for a bit after my conversation with ASid ended and eventually, I made the decision to NOT ever have any comments published for this blog.

 

Three Interwoven Tales

2 weeks into summer holidays and this is what has transpired so far!

A Clever Alteration

When Hans prepped for the CW audition, he "worked" with 5 other kids - 2 boys and 3 girls. One of the girls had a seemingly sweet disposition. She was quiet and polite. Later, I found out from a trusted source that this girl was of the opinion that Hans is dumb! I could not believe that someone as silent as this girl could mouth such harsh words!

A couple of weeks ago, I met with this girl and her younger brother for a diagnostic assessment. They were both supposed to start tutoring sessions with me. On the first day, only the brother showed up. When I asked the mother about her daughter, she indicated that the girl did not feel the need for any tutoring.

My first feeling when I met with the girl was that of conflict - do I want to spend time with a girl who goes around saying unkind things about others?! But then, I told myself that my job is to educate kids and not judge them. To that end, I actually prepared a lesson plan diligently that included some fun learning activities. When I realized the girl was a no show, I felt a sense of relief and indignation all at once.

Did she feel she was too smart to learn from a dumb kid's mom?! Who knows?! I have decided to put that behind me and maybe use the lessons planned for this child instead for Hans. Why not?! Someone should benefit from the time I put in.

An Unexpected Opportunity

A few weeks before school ended, G calls up to inform me that there is a new family moving into our neighbourhood. He felt that this family would benefit from connecting with me. G is always trying to get me gainfully employed in some way. It appeared like the family has a child who would require some ESL help.

Both Craigley and I got an opportunity to connect with the man/father in a chance encounter at Hans' school and last weekend, we invited the family over for dinner.

The new family ended up spending about 6 hours with us and the best part was that ASid was with us the entire time. The family recently moved from Craigley’s ancestral "motherland" and since ASid is learning the language of that land, he was delighted to meet with people who lived there for a few years and knew the language!

G probably had his own reasons for reaching out to me about this family; however, we ended up making friendly and neighbourly connections with them. It was best to find possible friendships in this particular situation than a profitable opportunity!

A Delightful Accommodation

ASid's friends keep dropping by with a few seconds' notice!

“Mom, they are right outside our door. Is it OK if they come in?”

Really?!

As mentioned earlier, I am all for an "open door" policy. Even if we are all collectively inconvenienced sometimes, I'd rather ASid's friends come over anytime to our home.

The other day, ASid's friends, N1 and N2, were over after a long time. I let them know that they could hang out until my tutoring session starts and then, I expect them to leave!

They did not leave. Instead they moved themselves to the basement and promised to be quiet for an hour!!

So, how has summer been so far?! I can't complain at all.

 

Making Connections

This week, both ASid and I are back to "work". I have my first week of summer tutoring schedule and ASid has a week of voluntary work at a French Art Camp. He is actually "working" more hours than I am. He is also quite resentful that I requested him to sign up to be a volunteer!

At the March meeting that Lady A, G and I attended, I joined this French committee on an impulse. I surprised everyone with that move; however, I was thinking about ASid then. 

This boy of mine was in French Immersion for 9 school years - SK to Grade 8. He was good enough to go to Paris, France and have conversations and memorable experiences. He had to leave French Immersion only because he got into a specialized high school program. This program is all about Math, Computers and Science. ASid has been doing alright and finished Grade 11 with an average of 85%. That average, if repeated next year in Grade 12, will not be good enough for him to get into the program of his choice at a university of his preference. We have had this talk already and the boy is very well aware of the consequences of his lackadaisical actions and/or choices. And he has NO Plan B!

But I have a Plan B. ASid could always do something with his knowledge of French. To that end, I keep encouraging him to spend his summer vacations immersed in French in some way. I do not care if he earns money or not. I am most interested in him working with the right people and making useful connections. That is why he is resentful!

Today, he had to wake up at 6 am and had to leave home at 7 am. He volunteered from 8 am to 4 pm, and got back home at 5:30 pm. That is a work day for most people. The only difference is that ASid did not get paid for the hours he put in today and same goes for the rest of the week. The boy would have given 40 hours of his life to this French Art Camp at the end of this week. Although he keeps saying he is doing it for me, I hope he realizes the benefits somewhat. He is actually engaged in an environment where he gets to practise speaking French. He is also making connections by associating with a French language organization. And all he "sees" is that his life has been interrupted for a week!

I hope he is able to "see" beyond what he perceives to be painful and appreciate the opportunity for what it is.

Meanwhile, Hans has been connecting with Craigley. They were in Jasper today. Hans still misses home terribly. Hans calls me every day and sends text messages and has even gotten his dad to send emails with picture attachments! Both father and son have done many wonderful activities together. Today, Hans informed me that he may have finally learned to swim! And that was unbelievable news to me. Craigley does not like swimming and has never encouraged the boys to learn to swim. It has been mostly me wanting the boys to learn this lifesaving skill. ASid eventually did so at the age of 9. Hans is 10 now and I was thinking about trying swimming with him again. And of all the people in his life, it was his dad who got him back into that water and got him to swim!

Both the boys are at different ages and have different interests. Summers won't be the same again. Hopefully, we have a few more family vacations left to go on. As of now, I am content with the choices I made for the boys. One day, I hope they can look back on these moments with a little less resentment than what they feel right now.

Addendum:

So, why did I mention my tutoring in this post?! I guess I wanted the boys to know that I had no Plan B as well when I ventured out to start my own tutoring business. I spent 2 years looking for a location along with my 2 friends and business partners. I only gave up to focus on Hans' CW prep. That was when I met Nicey's parents and decided to take her on to provide some financial relief to them. A few months later, my home became The Location I was looking for. It is not entirely ideal, but my one connection led to many other connections...

And slowly but surely, I have somewhat achieved my Plan A. And maybe ASid will too!

 

My Low Maintenance Teen

ASid is totally low maintenance; especially during the summer holidays. He sleeps in and has 2 meals per day - a brunch and an early dinner. The meals are quite simple as well and easy to prepare. 

Yesterday, I woke up and scheduled my day meticulously. I cleaned up, washed up and prepped for my tutoring session. Planned 2 meals for the day, instructed an enthusiastic child, watered a friend's parents’ plants and settled into watch 13 episodes of season 1 of a popular Netflix original series!

This was a series recommended by both Lady A and ASid. I recommended it to a couple of parents as well without actually watching it. Finally, I decided to check it out for myself. This was my first time watching that much on a screen since my best friend Ames from high school made me watch the original Star Wars trilogy all in one night some 20 odd years ago!

And this binging was only possible because I have just this one boy to care for right now and he needs so little from me.

In fact, ASid ended up watching some of the episodes with me. We had a good dialogue about it all. We wrapped up around 2:40ish this morning. I also ended up ordering pizza just before midnight 'cos our planned 2 meal sustenance couldn't get us through 11-12 hours of a binge worthy commitment.

Would I do this again?! Maybe not!!

But if I had to do it just once, I picked the right series to watch. It is about high school in the 21st century and the issues teens face these days. While I watched it, I had this comforting feeling that my teen is smart enough to avoid half the stuff depicted. I am also confident that he would talk with me or somebody about the other half of the stuff shown in the series.

I felt quite lucky to have the teen I have. There is so much scary stuff out there that it is almost a relief to know that ASid is aware of it and feels the need to update me on it as well. Yesterday I found out what FML and DTF mean. I got that info from my teen who enlightened me in a matter of fact way.

There are days I worry that ASid is so oblivious and there are days I am surprised at how wrong I am. I am glad ASid is tuned into his world and I am glad I take the time to tune in when I can.

On that note, honestly, a low maintenance teenager is a myth!
 

What might the Future look like?!

Hans is in Calgary right now. He is on vacation with his dad. He is gone for the next few days. And I miss him terribly. Out of the 3 boys I have at home, Hans is the one who cares the most about me. Not that Craigley and ASid don't care - Craigley knows I will get things done and ASid is mostly oblivious to most things around him! Hans is different. Hans takes the time to thank me and apologize to me; offers to help me and in general, makes me feel like a million bucks!

I also miss him because he has this habit of literally following me everywhere in our home. If I am cooking, he is in the kitchen. If I am doing laundry, he is in the basement. If I am watching TV, he is in the living room. If I am on the phone, he is right there beside me. Hans is everywhere in our home except in his own room.

The first time I was away from Hans was when I went to see KPF last year. So, this is just the second time. Hans was a little nervous the night before. I had to remind him that he is off with his dad and it will be great to spend some father-son time together. Most everyone who really knows Hans knows him as his mommy's boy. Although that may not last for long! The boy is growing up and before I know it, he will be happy to be confined to his room just like his older brother.

That day is not here yet.

As of now, Hans has been amazing with his "non confinement" with communication. I have never received that many words in a single day from Craigley's phone!

Hans and Craigley left just yesterday and it has only been a day and a few hours, but it feels like they have been gone longer than that! Our home has been super quiet. And at the risk of sounding redundant, I miss the little bubs.

So, why didn't I tag along?! Because ASid is doing a summer course this month and he is going into his final year of high school in September. I want to support him as much as possible. Also, I decided to take on the kids who have been waiting for me to tutor them. On the same day, yesterday, as Craigley and Hans left on their one week trip, I had a first tutoring session with a kid who has been waiting for over a month and met with 2 other kids who are starting next week. I might as well help other kids when I have the time.

Even though I miss Hans who is my daily dose of positive reinforcement, I am glad he is on this trip with his dad. It is probably good for me to go through a different family dynamic. It may feel like the end of the world each time I experience a change with ASid and Hans weaving in and out of my life, but this is me learning to let go.

And when those moments in the future definitively announce themselves, I will be ready to let them fly.