Conversations

This is a follow up to 2 previous posts.

Sometimes I dwell so much on the absurdity of some situations that I don't quite capture the intensity of them. I would like to take a moment to repair a bit of misrepresentation.

The 2 occasions that Lady A, G and I got together for meetings followed by lunches, we did have some relevant conversations that revolved around our children. Obviously, we all have differing views and it makes for interesting and enlightening conversations. Lady A is slightly ahead of me as her oldest is 2 years older than ASid and is currently wrapping up her first year of university. G is literally the "youngest" parent with 2 children a year younger than Hans. He hasn't been hit with anything yet - his children are still blissfully children! With Lady A, she has 2 teenagers on her hands - a girl and a boy. She is being hit all around with crazy hormones!

What I like about my time with these 2 parents is that they are open and candid in their opinions and about their experiences. I do not know another parent like Lady A who will honestly admit that her children are a pain…except for my mom maybe! We are all so afraid to state facts sometimes. Parenting is hard work and there are days we all wish we could escape it somehow. But we don't get to and the least we can do is support each other as parents.

On a related note, the parent that I mentioned a while ago has moved into our neighbourhood and his 2 children are attending Hans' school. A few weeks ago, we were at his home for dinner. Craigley was trying to provide some insights into parenting and both the man and his wife told him that they can always ask me for advice when in doubt. When we got back home, Craigley was like "Are you some great soul of parenting?!" And I was like "No! I listen to parents and I am willing to share my own experiences if it benefits them in some way." That’s all!

Parents, some days, need to know that they are not alone. So, keep those conversations going over coffees, lunches and dinners. And be kind during those times.

Noteworthy Remarks: Boys, please do not give unsolicited advice unless it is a friend. Even then, tread carefully.

 

Task Completion

I enrolled in an online course at York University that ran from Jan 9th to Mar 29th. It was a gruelling 125 hours...quite literally. I just didn't want to pass; I wanted to do my best. I think I did and I actually finished all course work a day early and looked forward to celebrating with Lady A. And in a déjà vu moment, G joined us last minute. We were back at the same restaurant we were at a few weeks ago.

One would think that G might have been kinder to me this time around. But he didn't get the memo and I guess he doesn't read the blog. Some days I wonder if he is really my friend?! He was like this lunch monitor who watches over the kids at lunch time to ensure they eat in 15.59 minutes and get out and play. In G's case, he had to get out and play. To heck with Lady A's throat and mine if the soup we ordered scalded our throats and left us with an inability to eat anything else in the future. The man needed to get out there and play! (I will leave the “what” of this a mystery to be revealed at a later time.)

I actually told G that Lady A and I would have had a leisurely 3 hour lunch if the man hadn't been there! His smug answer to that was literally "Who eats that much?!". Nobody eats for 3 straight hours!! Duh!! It is people spending 3 straight hours together in conversation and food is secondary really.

I could complain forever about my friend G, but perhaps he is the comic relief I needed and perhaps it was also wonderful to have had those therapeutic outbursts in forgiving company. After such an intense few weeks, I was quite exhausted and was actually ready to fall asleep after the crazy hours that went into the last few days of the course.

So, it was good to be dropped off home a little early so I could have a bit of downtime before I had to be in a meeting at Hans' school. So, it all worked out. And I can always schedule the 3 hour lunch with Lady A at a later time.

It felt really good to complete a task and celebrate with friends. This was also a task that is akin to what the boys do on a daily basis. I wanted to be a good student and a good role model for them. I believe I accomplished that. I want them to know that there is no end to learning. I definitely feel smarter than I did before Jan 9th of this year!

 

Steadfastness OR Foolishness?!

When I filled out my forms for post-secondary education, I only applied to York University and that was it. I did not even think of the possibility of not getting in! I knew what program I wanted and where I wanted to go for it.

I did get accepted to York with a condition. I had to sign a waiver stating that I am responsible for my own failure in the program since I did not adhere to the advice given by the Academic Advisor assigned to me! I signed it with pleasure.

Since I was still "fresh off the boat" and had been in Canada for less than a year, I was advised to enrol in some ESL (English as Second Language) courses for my first year. I couldn't quite fathom the logic behind it since I chose English as my major. So, I refused to comply on principle. And I am glad I did.

I finished my 4 year Honours program within 3 years and made it to the Dean's Honour Roll. I had the intense urge to go visit with the Academic Advisor; however, sore winners are worse than sore losers! So, I let that one go.

Right now, I look back on it all and consider the choices I made as prime examples of utter recklessness and foolishness. Lucky for me that the eggs didn't fall out of the basket and break all at once!

And right now, when I look at ASid making his choices, I have to step back and let him do that. All my life, I was given the privilege of making my own choices. When I made mistakes and fell flat on my face, I was not laughed at nor rebuked. I had people pick me up and set me back on my path. I have been fortunate to have people have faith in me. I want ASid to know that I have faith in him.

Yesterday, ASid participated in a French speech competition. Going into it, he was told that his topic choice may not be good and his method of approaching the contest is not good as well. His French teacher was the one who advised him. However, ASid disregarded all “good” advice and stuck with his topic. Craigley was there with him at the competition and he remarked that ASid was the only one who had a topic that was personal. Rest everyone chose general worldly topics. At the end of the day, ASid did not advance to the next round.

This morning, he remarked that the whole judging process seemed like "BS and made up". I told him, "Welcome to the real world!" He hated that and he wanted to skip school. I told him to go face the proverbial music and face his French teacher. I remarked to Craigley about how hard the boy was taking his failure to advance at the competition. Craigley, who is usually the harshest critic I know, quietly assured me that the boy gave a decent speech and also answered questions confidently for the panel of judges. It just so happened that he chose a very personal topic - it was about his biracial identity and the conflict he feels within himself.

Wow! That is an intense topic. I could understand why he was taking it so personally. But then a speech competition can get so subjective. Sometimes the judges have their own preferences. Supposedly, there was one male judge and four female judges. Out of the five of them, one woman was a visible minority. Could they possibly understand him?! Was ASid able to connect with them at all?! Who knows?! And who cares?! Really!!

People judge you even before you open your mouth. People judge you on how you look and what you wear. People judge you on the car you drive. People judge you for no apparent reason! When you are in front of people and actually open your mouth and reveal yourself, the judgment continues on a deeper level. Sometimes it works in your favour and sometimes it does not. But you remain steadfast in who you are and do not compromise.

Apparently a parent approached Craigley at the competition and remarked that Craigley must really be proud of ASid! Craigley was like I guess so!

Sometimes those remarks made in the passing mean more than someone else's sitting across a table from you. I am glad I chose to disregard one person's advice a long time ago. Things could have worked out really badly for me, but I made that choice for myself. I am not sure if ASid is glad about disregarding his French teacher's advice. However, he does want to go back next year and participate in this competition again. At that point in time, he will have a different French teacher who may not even provide any advice. But ASid does not need any advice really. He has been there and he can learn from this failure at the competition!

Because failures are the best teachers if we are willing to learn from them!

 

The Championship Game

The Blue Team was squared off against their Arch Nemesis the Black Team again! This time for the championship game!

End of Period 1: 1-0

End of Period 2: 3-1

End of Period 3: 3-2

Guess who won?!

This weekend was the playoff weekend and was exhausting. Today, Sunday, March 25, 2018 was literally the last day of Hockey for the 2017-2018 season. It was sweet to end the intense 6 month run on a victorious note! And I was fortunate to be part of it all.

The game was great. The best words I overheard from one of the conveyors were that the Blue Team played like a team. That was what Craigley, as the coach, wanted the kids to do for the last few months. This weekend, they came through for him.

Also, Craigley detests the Black Team's coach with a passion. I heard so much about this woman that I created a picture of her in my mind. When I finally got to see her a few weeks ago, I was taken aback. She could be me! This woman is a teacher who shares her racial background with me. Since I know that Craigley is not a racist, it must be her being a teacher that irked him?! Craigley dislikes most teachers and he was literally squared off against one and that too on ice which he considers sacred ground. So the victory was that much sweeter for Craigley. The drama of it all!

On a side note…at dinner tonight, the boys and I agreed that Craigley needs to write a memoir on his coaching escapades. Only he can reveal why he does not like the Black Team coach. The boys and I also made fun of it all by saying that if his memoir was ever made into a movie, it would end with the Blue Team coach falling in love with the Black Team coach. Well, it happens in all the clichéd Romantic movies; so, why not?! And none of us could resist giving Craigley a conniption!!

Aside from the adult tantrums, the kids showed a tremendous growth in their own individual games as well as in how they played together as a team. Hans did not score a single goal, but he came close a couple of times toward the end. I believe he wrapped up the season with 6 or 7 assists. And he can't wait to get back on ice next season and play again.

Hans has also decided that he will play soccer during off season. He realized in his own little infinite wisdom that if he can play a sport on skates, with a stick in hand and in bulky gear, chasing after a flat little puck, he can easily transfer the skills he has to a great big ball on his own two feet with no bulky hindrance and his hands free. To me, this realization itself is worth something. 

The day we understand the meaning of transferable skills and expand our horizons is a good day indeed.

I am happy for both the father and son. They have shown growth in their own relationship as well and totally deserved this victory today on many levels. Even though I complained on some days, I am glad to have been part of this experience and I got to learn a lot as well.

 

Noteworthy Remarks: Cheers to all the parents who make an effort and make a difference. Keep going. The Future depends on you!

 

A voice from far far away...

Recently, I had a spooky and a soulful experience.

My phone has dialed people randomly many times. It usually does that to people who are on my frequently dialed list. It is annoying and sometimes embarrassing. This usually happens when I am putting my phone back in my bag or taking it out. A couple of clicks and voila!

A few days ago, there was no bag involved. I had my phone charging on the table beside my bed. I threw a slightly wet tissue on it as I do most every night with an intent to wipe it clean before I went to bed. Since Hans was taking a shower and I was waiting for him to wrap up for the day, I grabbed the iPad to play Charm King. That is another thing I do most every night.

I barely got into the game and I heard a man's voice loud and clear on my phone. It totally startled me. And it was so loud that Hans heard it in the washroom and wondered out loud if I was talking with Smoggie?! That was when I actually unplugged the phone to investigate. I knew it wasn't Smoggie. Who was it?! The voice was strangely familiar.

As I looked at the phone, it was the Eternal Boy! My first question was "Why are you calling me?" And his response was that he had been at his work for over 20 minutes and he hadn't touched his phone; fact is I called him. Obviously, I was like "Why would I call you?" Then I had this totally lame explanation for him - the tissue dialed your number! And even as I am documenting that moment in my life, I have to admit that that tissue did an incredible job of opening up WhatsApp and somehow finding his number, dialing it and putting him on speaker phone as well!! Sounded more like I was making it up...

But it did happen. Here was this person who had meant a lot at one point in my life and now plays no role in it. Why was this call placed?! There has to be a good reason. So, I decided to catch up. I told the Eternal Boy that I may have about 2 or 3 minutes before Hans was done for the day. He started off by saying that I would be so proud of him as he finally got his MBA and is doing some volunteer work at a Cancer hospital. And he was like this is cool, we must chat more often. I had nothing of importance to say to him except to reiterate that the tissue called him and not me!

Even after the call ended, I was looking for a good reason as to why it happened in the first place. Maybe I needed to hear this voice from the past...revisit a place long forgotten; that has been put away in the back of my mind. So, I went over the call and I realized that apart from my protesting about not making the call, I barely said anything about myself. I believe the most I said was that I wish I had a lot of money so I could help people all day long. I must have sounded so foolish...

That's what my mom says to me sometimes. She finds it frustrating to explain to people what I do all day long. Why must there be any explanation at all?!

Anyways, I did hang up rather quickly on the accidental call. However, I did receive a note from the Eternal Boy a couple of days later. He wanted me to know that I made a difference in his life. I believed in him and listened to him when no one had the time or inclination to do so. That helped him realize his dreams and for that, he would always be grateful.

Then I remembered what I did. This boy failed his Grade 11 Physics, and he had to retake the exam and pass, before he came back to finish his final year of high school. That was how it all started. I offered to tutor him that entire summer. My parents were cool. This boy would come over every day and my mom would be in the kitchen and we would be at the dining table studying Physics. At the end of that summer, the boy passed his Physics exam. Now, that same boy is a grown man doing really well in his life...and still seeking approval from his Physics tutor from a long long time ago.

It was around that time, I was struggling to tell my parents that I wanted to study English after my high school graduation. I hated studying the Sciences and Physics most of all even when I helped someone else conquer it!

I think what I should have told the Eternal Boy is that the country has changed and the house has changed, but I am still at a dining table tutoring away...this time around, helping those who believe in me. Perhaps he set me off on this path or helped me realize my own dreams?! Perhaps I should have thanked him as well?!

Couple of days ago, I was at ASid's school. I got a call from his Grade 11 Physics teacher asking me to attend a Parent-Teacher meeting with her. ASid has never done so badly on any subject in his entire life as a student. There was this teacher telling me that my child needs to wake up and smell the proverbial coffee!

Right after the meeting, I called ASid. I was furious and I was ready to scream, but I was calm. All the boy had to tell me was to trust him and believe that he would do well. Right now he is in Grade 11, but he has two Grade 11 courses and two Grade 12 courses. He is prioritizing the latter over the former. He knows what he is doing and he has never asked for a tutor.

A long time ago, I believed in a 16 year old boy whom I barely knew. How can I not believe in a 16 year old boy I have known since the moment he was born?! I must not let a 10 minute conversation with his teacher shake my faith in him. Maybe that was why the call was placed?! One failure does not define anyone. One failure should not define anyone. And ASid has not failed yet and I hope that never happens.

And I do hope to get a call in the future that makes this one faltering Physics experience inconsequential in the big scheme of Life. I am looking forward to it.

 

The Last Game of the Season

Yesterday, the Blue Team faced their Arch Nemesis, the Black Team.

This is how it all went down:

3 0

3 3
4 3
4 4
6 4
8 4
8 6
9 6
9 8

The Blue Team is Hans' team and they lost by a goal; however, it was the best game I ever had the pleasure of watching. It was like the kids had saved the best for last. It was so crazy. I think I actually jumped up and down at one point. Hans came closest to scoring his first goal. He made contact with the puck and hit it straight at the net. The Black Team's goalie kid was too good for him. Overall though, Hans had a pretty good season.

I almost missed this game. I am down to the last couple of weeks with my online course and I am only 75% done. For a few different reasons, I couldn't get any work done in the last 3-4 days. I was totally stressed out and told both Craigley and Hans that I will only be there at the game if they required some help from me. Immediately, Craigley decided to order pizza for the kids since it was the last game...and guess what?! I had to be there to receive the Pizza!!

Well, I am glad I took the time out to smell the hockey stink. OK, I am no Shakespeare; but I am sure one can infer the gist of it all.

This is the last weekend where I had to wake up early to wake up Hans and/or Craigley, and get them ready for Hockey. I am hoping to at least sleep in on Sundays starting next weekend. It has been quite the trek with tempers flaring all around. Some days the boy was crusty and some days the dad, and some days the mom lost it too. But we survived and lived to see the last game that brought it back home! It is really about working together as a team - on and off the ice.

 

In other related news, the teenager is back from spending his March Break with his grandparents, especially his grandma. They all survived as well. The teen ended his stint there by hosting a small gathering for his friends. His grandma called me a few times for some suggestions and tips, and I told her to not worry about it all or send the boy back home! She kept the boy and got the work done.

 

I sincerely hope the boys have inherited this trait of not quitting on oneself and seeing things through. Even if they don't win all the games in their lives, they would have played with heart and done their parts.

 

Bridging the Gap

For March Break, the teenager decides to spend his time with his grandma and grandpa AKA my parents. 

He made it sound like it was going to be a week-long party. He was like grandma and I will bring the house down. I was like you don't know anything about living with grandma; welcome to my world!

Craigley was like I hope he knows your parents don't have unlimited Internet; they do not even have high speed. True enough. Technically, my parents don't need the Internet. The most their Internet gets used is when we all show up and access it! 

The point to note here is that Craigley and I are expressing concerns with what we are experts at. All preconceived concerns aside, how did the first day go?!

The teenager literally showed up at their door close to midnight and when I called my mom this morning to enquire about it, she seemed rather calm and blamed it all on the public transit service that is infrequent on a Sunday night. No complaint about the boy who was supposed to have had dinner with the grandparents!!

Growing up, literally the 2 things I noticed that bugged my mom about people are:

- people who commit to a time and never show up or never have the courtesy to call and say that they are running late.

and

- people who believe that alcohol needs to be part of an entertaining event. I think it is more to do with people losing control than the actual alcohol itself.

And ASid did not show up for dinner last night nor did he call to inform about his nonattendance. I got a text from my dad wondering where the boy was. The said boy got a call from his mom that reminded him that he needs to communicate any delays or absences directly to his grandparents without a Momley interception or interference!! Seriously?!

I sincerely hope my mom sits the boy down and has a conversation about common courtesies when it involves the invaluable time of others. I hope ASid appreciates the fact that it is wonderful to have an opportunity to spend time with his grandparents and have another place to call home where he is loved and wanted…and forgiven.

I hope the rest of the week goes well. If not, I will hear about it for the rest of my life. For sure, the rest of you will hear about it here!

 

It's a boy!!

Nope. No one is expecting a baby. It is my new student! He is a boy! It is interesting how I ended up with him.

Over the Family Day weekend, on the Saturday, I chatted with this dad at Hans' Hockey game. Craigley told me that that family has been going through a tough time with several visits to hospitals. I enquired about this man's family and all of them were coping with a couple of family members' health issues. I let him know that I was glad to be there to catch up with him that day as my tutoring was postponed to Monday since everyone has plans for the Family Day weekend. Immediately, this man perked up! He wanted to know about my tutoring. No one really shows any interest in my small tutoring setup; so I was only delighted to share my enthusiasm with someone. When I was done, this man said and I quote, "God sent you to me today!". Something I would say actually! Turns out his boy got a terrible report card and they have been looking for a tutor.

Having heard what the family was going through, I was only happy to help. However, I had to let this dad know that I do a one hour free diagnostic lesson with a parent and the child, and I will decide after that if I am a good fit for his child. Both the parents and the boy were at my home the following weekend. After our session, they wondered if their son could have tutoring every single day with me?! As much as that was a compliment, I literally had to negotiate it down to twice a week.

I have completed the first week with this boy and I am quite surprised at how bright he is. Why then is his report card not capturing him as well as it should?! A teacher is dealing with 20+ students in a classroom and sometimes, there isn't enough time in a day. That is what it probably is!! I am hoping to make a difference in this boy's report card.

On a related note, Hope found out about the new kid in my life and her only question was if she was still my youngest student?! Yes, she is. Talk about student rivalry!!

 

Noteworthy Remarks: ASid, who seems to be the apple that refuses to roll away from the tree, got his first paid job! He has been hired as a French Tutor for a couple of Grade 3 boys. He had his preliminary session 2 days ago and got a favourable review from one of the moms. And I want to add that he is making more per hour than his Momley. At least that makes him a bit of a smart apple!

 

Grandiose Gestures of Romance

Lately, I have realized that most men are clueless or don't care for constructive feedback. Frankly, that is their problem. However, I have 2 boys who are going to grow up to be men. The last thing I want is for them to be clueless and have their partners complain about what a terrible job I have done as a mother!

It always comes back to the mother more than the father. Even I have a tendency to blame my mother-in-law for all of Craigley's shortcomings. However, that is being so short-sighted that it is not even punny funny!

At the beginning of our relationship, Craigley wondered what he could do to make me happy?! I told him quite honestly that he simply needs to be there for me. I have always been super low maintenance!! This was prior to us getting married. In an ironic twist, seconds into our first dance as a married couple, Craigley left me all alone in the middle of the dance floor when he got distracted by a cute toddler. For a couple of minutes, I was a little stunned and disoriented. In a rather sad second ironic twist, my song selection for our dance was Ben E. King’s "Stand By Me".

I am not rehashing that memory to make Craigley appear insensitive in any way. Craigley, for all intents and purposes, did not do that with any malicious intent or on purpose. He was simply being Craigley. And he definitely had no clue he had just married a woman with an elephant's memory!

Fast forward to a few days ago...

I had this dinner to attend. It was a dinner that recognizes parents who work on School Councils. 2 parents are invited from each School Council. For reasons that are not important to the telling of this tale, I had to make the decision to attend this dinner all by myself or not at all. It was a busy day and I almost chose to not go. However, I decided that if I can't even rely on myself, it is quite pathetic at the end of the day.

Craigley made a little fun of me as he drove me to the dinner to drop me off. In spite of taking digs at me and at a certain friend of mine, he insisted that I call him when the dinner was done. It was a 3 hour event and I let him know that I could easily take the TTC back. I had no intention of making Craigley drive all the way back for me.

The 3 hours went by rather quickly and I actually had fun with the other parents at my table. We swapped stories from each other’s’ schools and got to laugh a bit. When we were done, I gathered my stuff and made sure I had a TTC token in my hand as I got ready to leave. And I did not make that call to Craigley...

...so imagine my surprise when I saw Craigley right outside of the first set of doors and the car right across from the next set of doors. Talk about door to door service!

Grandiose gestures of romance do not involve diamonds or fancy flights of fantasy. They are usually simple gestures that show you care and you are there.

Even though I will never forget that moment where Craigley left me in the middle of a dance floor where we were being watched by a 100+ audience consisting of our families and friends, I will also never forget the most recent gesture where Craigley showed up amidst a sea of 300+ strangers.

Next month is our 18th wedding anniversary. In all the time that has gone by, I would say that we were best at producing 2 absolutely adorable baby boys who are growing up to be amazing people. But the boys have a long way to go before they can truly demonstrate how far they are willing to drive or walk for the people they care about. For now, I have general faith in their genetic predisposition. And I am sure if that doesn't come through for them in any way, I will be at the receiving end of all miserable complaints.

So, boys, please take the time to read and do not make the same historical mistakes. And while you are at it, learn from some historical grandiose gestures. Thank you. And here is another song for you: The Proclaimers’ “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” that was featured in one of my all-time favourite quirky romantic dramas “Benny and Joon”.

 

Bad to Good

Conversation between the Teen and Momley…

"If I told someone that they were bad before but they are good now, would that be considered an insult?"

"Depends on perspective!"

"What is your perspective? I want to know what you think?"

"I think it is good. I would take that as a compliment."

"In that case, I want you to know that you got better at being a parent to a teenager in the last 3 years. You weren't so good before, but now you are quite good. You are getting there!"

Now, should I still take that as a compliment?!

Note: As I finished typing the above statement, I got a call. The call was from Hans’ pediatric dentist’s office reminding me that he is way overdue for his regular checkup! It made me feel like a terrible mom.

It was a much needed reminder and a humbling moment for sure! There is indeed no rest for the wicked!