My messy home

My home has never been immaculately clean. It has always been somewhat messy; but now, it is really messy. It has become an analogy of sorts to what I feel in my head these days!

 

This is not another complaining session. This is me sharing concerns based on my observations this month. I started teaching online on October 1st, 2020 and today, it is October 31st, 2020.

 

I made it; however it is only one month down and 8 more to go! I don't feel like a winner! I guess I am simply a survivor!

 

And I am mostly in survival mode right now. I barely write for myself and I don’t tutor anymore. I do not call my brother or my parents, and I don’t check in with my family and friends. I have no time to cook and just about enough time to do some laundry - first priority is Hans here. Talking of whom, the boy has been very accommodating of my new way of life. He helps me with grocery shopping and chooses what he wants for breakfast and for lunch, for the week. It has made my mornings easy. ASid, on the other hand, is not home. That has been the best arrangement for both of us! He has a full course load and he is also a Teaching Assistant - he does not need Momley drama added to his plate. And Craigley has been in his own bubble since mid-March and he continues to exist within it.

 

I guess that is my personal update. I am not really concerned about my messy home. My concern is with my messed-up mind!

 

At the end of each day, I feel like I will fall apart mentally. I am responsible for 27 students - 24 are online, 2 have chosen to be exempt from synchronous learning and 1 is missing. Yes! I started with 32 students and some of them chose to switch to in person learning after the Thanksgiving weekend. I believe they chose wisely. The only fear they have is the eponymous virus and maybe a bully or a smelly school! But they have human contact even when it is a contactless environment. They can look at other kids their age and know that they are not alone!

 

Online is a lonely place. If I feel that way, I wonder how many of my students feel that way?!

 

Yesterday, I attended my first staff meeting. I got to “see” the other 51 Grade 8 teachers who are in the same learning centre as me (There are 4 learning centres in the Toronto District School Board). Some teachers were frustrated. There was a teacher who has taught Grade 8 for a decade and she was just as frustrated with how she is unable to transfer her knowledge to teach effectively online! If she feels that way, what about the teachers who are teaching Grade 8 (or any grade) for the first time ever! I know how that feels. I am learning curriculum the day before and teaching it the next day!

 

I haven’t done Prime Factorization in over 30 years. The home country I come from exempted me from Math after Grade 10! So, here I am, a terrified teacher teaching Math to a class where at least a third (if not half) of the students are terrified of Math!

 

I can’t see the faces of these kids. I hear a voice or 2 sometimes. All I can do is reassure them that most everything they are going through is temporary and they don’t have to deal with this for the rest of their lives. I feel for these kids. They are not getting the education they deserve and they do not have a teacher they deserve. We completed an entire chapter on Work and none of us have ever seen a spring scale for real - I showed them YouTube videos on how to use a spring scale to measure Force. I told them to imagine being in a laboratory!

 

This is my unsettling reality. The reason for my messed-up mind!

 

Out of the 26 students I do “see” on a daily basis, 9 of them have special needs. They need a special education teacher who knows what she is doing and who can meet at least half the special needs - they really need a special education team who can help all of them! My missing student also has special needs, but the concern right now is to find that student. A social worker could be involved and maybe more people. That is the reality for this child - only 12 or 13 and missing in action at school!

 

It makes me sad that these kids are off to high school in less than a year where they can fail a subject for the first time. Am I preparing them adequately for that reality? I don’t know. It is a messed-up situation.

 

Meanwhile ... IRL

Apparently IRL or irl is “in real life”! I am learning the chat lingo from my Grade 8 students who will all be 13 years old at the end of 2020. Newly minted teenagers seem to take irreverent pride in their new title. They have also called me a boomer! ‘Nuff with that!

 

So what has been happening in real life? Mostly, I have been neglecting it or shelving parts of it. We were supposed to start and finish a window replacement project between October 9^th and the 22^nd. However, since I started teaching online on the 1^st and couldn’t afford to take a break, the window replacement project has been postponed to sometime next year. I actually started cleaning up in preparation and now, that is on hold as well.

 

Even as I am cancelling and postponing some events and projects, I cannot stop everything. Thanksgiving was different, but delightful. My brother, my sister-in-law and my nephew, who usually host a lunch at their home, decided to drop off dinner packages to family members. It was heartwarming to “share” the same meal in 5 different homes.

 

ASid also came home for Thanksgiving. He arrived on the Day and left yesterday. Although I neglected the boy, it was wonderful to have him home. Hans also had an opportunity to stay home the whole week as he came down with his semi-annual cold and cough. So the house was full and Momley was busy. Somehow, we all survived and managed to eat at least one family meal together on Friday night.

 

I finally understand what working moms deal with. I cannot talk for every working mom, but I feel a lot of guilt - I don’t have time to listen to my own kids and I don’t call my family and friends anymore. Maybe the transition will take a few more days before I am able to balance my new responsibilities with my personal life.

 

I miss my life.

 

At this point in time, if I have to look back and rethink all the decisions I made in the last 20 years … I would NOT change anything. If this pandemic has taught me something, it is just that! Money comes and goes. I only have one life and I only have one each of my family and my friends. They are irreplaceable. Also, Time is the most precious commodity. Time lost is lost forever.

 

On that note, I take leave. Today, there are no regrets and no complaints.

 

Virtual Saga: Trilogy Conclusion

I survived my first full week of teaching online. I am happy to be alive and able to write about it.

 

Here is the grim reality of Virtual School. Teachers have to implement 240 minutes of synchronous learning. They talk about group work, but apparently each group needs supervision which is impossible. For example, I can break my class into smaller groups and send them off into “breakout rooms”; however, I am supposed to keep an eye on all the groups! It is a safety issue - what if a student gets cyberbullied and what if students use inappropriate language while in those groups? So, that means I am stuck with the Socratic method of teaching! Just imagine that! On top of this, there are no pleasant breaks for Phys Ed, Art, Music or French. It is Language, Math, Science and Social Studies - 4 subjects coming at the students every single day from 1 teacher in an almost regimented way.

 

Obviously, the above is true for my Grade 8 class. I can’t speak for other teachers and other virtual classrooms.

 

Virtual School requires skills that some seasoned teachers may lack. These teachers have knowledge and experience and a great collection of resources which could definitely help; but they need to feel comfortable with technology and a new approach to teaching. For example, in a classroom, when students finish the work assigned to them quickly, teachers can ask them to read a book or give them a worksheet to do to keep them busy while they wait for the rest of the class to finish. Online, it doesn’t work quite that way - if a student gets assigned independent work, that student could figuratively “leave the building”!

 

Then there is the very real reality of the dreaded word - equity. My students are from a “high needs” neighbourhood. Not even a quarter of them have cameras on their devices. I have seen only 4 faces. Half of them or even more do not have microphones. I have heard maybe 6 voices. It is a mostly faceless and voiceless classroom. The students are typing away furiously and I am trying to read as the Public Chat scrolls down rather fast and messages “disappear” from the screen. Their internet connections are laggy and sometimes they can’t hear me. How much are these kids really learning?

 

I have my own challenges as I don’t have resources. I have spent about $400 or so, within the last 10 days, buying textbooks and other material. I found out 2 or 3 days ago what my pay looks like. Since I am a new teacher, I am at the lowest end. When I break it down by the hour (based on my 12-14 hours day), I will make way less than minimum wage for the next 9 months. My contract ends on June 29, 2021.

 

I hope the pandemic ends before that!

 

Since this is the Canadian Thanksgiving weekend, I want to end on a thankful note. The last student to leave the classroom yesterday left the following note for me:

 

“Have a great thanksgiving Ms T You deserve it You are a great teacher”

 

That’s exactly how it was written on the “whiteboard” in paint. That’s one kid’s kind words. I will take that for now and keep going!

 

Virtually. Alone.

“Fake News” became very real news immediately. A little later, on Saturday, Sep 26th, I was sent an email that requested me to “please take a moment to review the many resources available”. On Sunday, Sep 27th, I received 2 emails containing identical lists of student names and related information. I find out on a weekend that I am teaching a Grade 8 class of 32 students! I have never been a classroom teacher ever before and then suddenly, I am responsible for a grade that is at the periphery of my comfort circle!

 

I was in "training" from Monday to Wednesday, which was pretty much, me taking the time to sign up for webinars intuitively without any guidance. They don't even mention the order in which to watch/participate in these webinars.

 

Wednesday, Sep 30th evening, I sent an email to the 32 students and their parents letting them know I am the teacher that has been assigned to them. One parent who has a child with Autism responded right away and sent me a 27-page IEP.  Another parent with twins, both with special needs, also responded immediately. Then, I find out I have 12 students with IEPs out of my class of 32 students!

 

The second parent with twins connected me to her children’s former teacher. When I spoke with this teacher, she was my first human contact and I bawled like a baby. She let me let it all out, a perfect stranger, and promised to support me in any way she could.

 

At this point, I must mention 2 individuals who also reached out and indicated that they were there to help - one of Hans' former teachers and my friend C’s mother. I am thankful for any bit of support.

 

I chose Thursday as Day 1. I decided to go in - ready or not. I felt so bad for these kids who were starting on Oct 1st - so late! But I felt bad for me too! I had Grade 8 and I am responsible for teaching English, Math, Science and Social Studies! The last Math course I took was in high school about 30 years ago. How am I going to do this?

 

I was prepping lesson plans and assignments on the fly! Friday, Oct 2nd, I was at my laptop for 14 straight hours - 7 am to 9 pm - and still felt clueless!! Most of yesterday, Saturday, went into looking at various Math resources and websites.

 

The parent of the child with Autism thinks I am incompetent. I reached out to talk with her Wednesday night and she used everything I shared honestly, in a letter to the principal and the superintendent and various special education personnel portraying me as some sort of helpless and useless being. Now, I have a meeting with a Spec Ed consultant tomorrow, Monday, Oct 5th.

 

I respect and admire parents who advocate on behalf of their children. However, at this point in time, I would like some understanding and some time to get to a point where I can be useful and helpful to all the students assigned to me. Throwing so many things at me all at once will only overwhelm me and make me want to quit!

 

I am struggling with everything. I have been so stressed out and wanted to give up several times and cried a few times...

 

I found out yesterday that a few teachers have resigned from Virtual School. I may be given more students to ensure they have a teacher. I will stick around because I care. I am a mother and I am a teacher. I hope that matters.

 

I hope I can write a more positive update next time.