Honest Feedback: A follow-up!

So ASid handed in his assignment and his teacher, Mr Ck, said, "Thank you", and that was it! Did the teacher get a chance to read ASid's reflection? If he does, what should he do? I would like to know in the New Year.

Meanwhile, ASid also wrote a few "Thank You" notes to some of his teachers. He wrote them in English, in French and ‎in the heritage language he is learning. He also wrote one for a neighbour who is generous to the boys. ASid was also very honest in his notes. I happened to read the first line of one note quite by accident and didn't really want to know the rest. He actually wrote something like "I was really disappointed in the teacher I had last year and I am glad I got you this year!" What is with this child of mine?!

Anyways, 2 of his teachers apparently appreciated his cards more than the gifts. Our neighbour also expressed delight at such a well written note! Must be something not so bad about honesty?!

 

Feedback: Raw vs Censored

Following is what ASid wrote for a “Reflection” assignment:

I believe as a group, we could have done a better job. Some problems were that our leader, C, did not participate at all and was instead fooling around with her friends, and if she came our way, she wasn't on task at all. If anything, C was an annoyance, disrupting our work, and making it difficult to work together as a unit. Another issue was one of our other group members, T, was slightly inactive during practising, and he often went to socialize, or even buy something from the cafeteria! My fellow members, H, and L highly contributed to our dance warm-up, providing valuable feedback, and criticism to our work. It was mainly L, H, and I who carried the burden of bringing the group together, and choreographing the entire dance, which was also cut off! It seems as if we were not allowed to perform our whole dance warm-up, which would've lasted for around 6-8 minutes, but we were cut down to only 2-4 minutes due to the lack of participation in our practising by our other two members, which hindered the possibility to do our entire dance as it would look bizarre for only 3/5 members to actually do the moves. Another reason that our dance was cut short was because for some reason, you (Mr Ck) said we had to stop our dance as you said that you have seen enough. I felt you gave us somewhat of an unfair marking, as like mentioned before, team members C and T did not participate or help, and since you didn't let us perform the whole dance, you did not evaluate us on the whole dance warm-up. I request for new groups, for future dances, as my current group greatly hinders the capabilities of H, L, and I.

There are days I wish I could express myself that way! Unfortunately, such honesty does not work. It could be construed as being bitter and comes across as ASid is a whining team player. So, I worked with ASid to come up with the following:

I believe as a group, we could have done a better job. Our biggest challenge was a lack of leadership.  Also, only 3 out of 5 team members actively contributed their time and effort to the dance warm-up.  I appreciate 2 of my fellow members who provided valuable feedback, and criticism to our work. It was the 3 of us who carried the burden of bringing the group together, and choreographing the entire dance, which was also cut off! It seems as if we were not allowed to perform our whole dance warm-up, which would've lasted for around 6-8 minutes, but we were cut down to only 2-4 minutes due to the lack of participation in our practising by our other two members, which hindered the possibility to do our entire dance as it would look bizarre for only 3 out of 5 members to actually do the moves. Also, we were asked to stop our dance half way and it also resulted in an unfair marking! As mentioned before, 2 team members did not participate or help, and since we were not allowed to perform the whole dance, we were not evaluated on the whole dance warm-up. I request for a new group, for future dances, as my current group greatly hinders the capabilities of some of us.

As much as I wanted ASid to hand in the reflection as is, I felt the need to teach him diplomacy. I wonder if his teacher, Mr Ck, would have accepted the minor accusation of him being unfair?! Why do they give team work and have it evaluated?! Adults struggle in the real world in team situations. Why burden kids with it?!

I wonder what will happen with this “Reflection” assignment. Stay tuned…

 

Second Best

The other day Hans said that I was the best mom in the whole wide world. Instead of graciously accepting the compliment, I proceeded to say something like this: “You know Hans…there is a kid somewhere out there who thinks that his or her mom is the best mom too!”

There was a momentary pause before Hans said: “It’s OK Momley…you can be the second best then!”

 

Journey? OR Destination?

It was barely a couple of months ago that ASid officially entered the halls of Teendom! That's supposed to be challenging enough for him; I have been there and somewhat remember that time. But I was a girl and he is a boy, and perhaps I don't know what he is actually going through?!

While he is going through this personal transition, there are other changes happening as well. There are choices he is being asked to make. Apparently, Grade 8 students can apply to specialized High School programs within the TDSB. ‎There is cutthroat competition for this handful of programs. 12 and 13 year old kids are being asked to write their personal profiles, list all activities they are involved in and write entrance tests!

Most parents, I am sure, would like to believe their kids can achieve anything...I am one of them. I have complete faith in my children; I believe they will achieve if they are interested. ASid is interested in these specialized programs as he has always been quite academic. So, I have been gathering information and getting my firstborn to fill out applications and do some introspection. Who is he and why should these programs be interested in him?

I have told him quite clearly that I will be fine if he does not get into any of these programs. As a parent, I got on board quite late. There are parents who have been grooming their children for months, if not years to prepare for these entrance tests. I have realistically set up expectations and support my child. To me, the journey is of utmost importance. By participating in the application process, my child can learn many skills. If he gets accepted into a program, it then becomes the proverbial cherry on the top!

At this point in time, ASid has gone through one application process. He is preparing for the next one. The date for the entrance test clashes with the date of Hans' first dance recital. Craigley and I need to divide and conquer. I asked him to take ASid while I took responsibility of Hans. All Craigley told our son was that he would only get involved if ASid was serious about the entrance test. For Craigley, the destination is important; one must prepare well to reach one's destination!

Poor ASid! Such mixed messages from his parents. But he is learning; he is learning that every person he meets in his lifetime will have different expectations of him. ASid will not meet all expectations...eventually he will start taking detours to get to his destination or take a different path and set a new destination. He has a choice and I hope I have made that abundantly clear to him. All the best kid. You are not alone.
 

When it rains, it pours!

I had been so full of self-doubt the last few months as I embarked on the journey to find a job. There were days I was tough on myself and there were days I felt sorry for myself. I found support in strangers and lost faith in loved ones. There was a bit of paranoia that people were judging me and perhaps pitying me?! Mostly, I didn't want to let down my boys.

I remember going for my one and only one interview. I was in a taxi on the way there. Usually, I walk or take the TTC. That day, I didn't want to arrive huffing and puffing to the interview. It worked out well that it wasn't too far from my home. As I got in, I couldn't help but let the taxi driver ‎know that I was going for a job interview. I shared with him about being a stay-at-home mom for over 12 years and how nervous I was about the interview! As I left the taxi, the driver remarked, "It is not the end of the world!” It was sweet and ironic at the same time as I say that to my boys almost always. I was grateful for the reminder that day.

‎And hopefully, I will never forget it. Today, as I am remembering that moment, I am also hoping the boys will never forget it. Sometimes, we lose perspective of what is important. Jobs will come and jobs will go. Time is not made that way. Right now, I have jobs scheduled here and there. I don't have a full-time job and yet, I am so busy. It does pour when it rains...and I will enjoy these blessings from the skies.

 

Thanksgiving 2014

So much to be thankful for! The Reno wrapped up a few days ago. Yay! The boys are settling in quite nicely into their respective new school years. Craigley had a car accident on the 401, but he is not hurt! His car is toast; however it was time to buy a new car anyways! What can I say? No complaints.

A few somewhat random thoughts on this wonderful day...

Hans is a funny boy. The other day he kept following me around and trying to help me. I asked him if he wanted to be like Momley. His answer was not what I expected! He said that he wanted ‎to be like me so that he and his friend T could wear princess costumes! Although taken aback slightly, I assured him that he doesn't have to be a girl to try on princess costumes. At which point, he firmly stated that he did not want to be a girl! I did not discuss it further as Hans seemed to have ended our conversation on that firm note. A few days later, Craigley and I were talking about my friend A and how her husband is a year younger than her. Hans remembered that conversation and later declared that he didn't want to end up like A!! It was a rather strong statement. He went on to add that he wanted to be stronger and older than his wife!! Funny boy...he is only 6 and he has so much on his mind. I don’t know what to expect from this child of mine on a daily basis and I don’t know what the future holds for him?!

On a serious note, one of Hans' cousins does not want to be a girl anymore. She is now a He - a transgender male. The parents sent an informative email to all family members asking them to understand this transition in their child's life, and to support their child appropriately. The parents mostly expressed their relief that their child is finally happy.

I am so thankful we live‎ in country where we can be who we choose to be and not be alone. Thanks for family and friends, and their understanding as well as their support.

Happy Thanksgiving Canada! Have a good one!

 

One last time...

I wasn't sure when I wrote the "final update" on Chucky if that was indeed "The End"?! I am afraid it wasn't! Chucky somehow became a bigger issue than ever before. I guess the easiest way to deal with it would have been to sit with his parents, share some coffee and casually bring up my concerns about their child. However, in my typical style, I wrote an elaborate email!

What a mess! Chucky's mom showed up at my door and insisted that her son is very well behaved and no one has complained about him except for me. Seriously? She went on to insinuate that perhaps I am the problem?!‎ I should have been more firm with him. I got a little defensive and said that I have always aimed to make my home kid friendly and in fact, Chucky should have strived to keep the good will going instead of antagonizing me?! At this point in time, Chucky's mom took a look around my living area and suggested that that may be an issue as well!

Seriously? I was being told my home is perhaps too messy and I am too friendly, and that this may be encouraging Chucky to treat me like he treats me?! I had seen him with his first nanny, his "reliever" nanny and his most recent nanny, and he treats them with the utmost disrespect. ‎Is Chucky lumping me in with his nannies? The mom didn't have an answer.

For some reason, I took the opportunity to list a couple of incidences where her son behaved in a shocking manner. One of them involved Chucky screaming several times that one of his friends was touching his private area that starts with a P and ends with an S! Chucky had actually set up the situation so he could get a chance to scream that way! The mom was totally offended by my narration and proceeded to declare that I am making her son out to be manipulative...I guess any parent would have been upset and on the defensive! However, I was being honest and I was sharing my concerns about Chucky.

At that point in time, I wanted to take my email back and not deal with Chucky's mom. That was in May and even after 3 months, I feel awkward when I run into Chucky's parents at school or in the neighbourhood. It is really sad because now I feel like I am the bad guy! But then again, I'd like to believe that I did my duty as a fellow parent and brought to attention something of relevance and consequence to another parent's notice. How they deal with it is their choice. All the best to Chucky!

Next time, I will not put my concerns in an email. However, I hope there is no next time!

 

A Reno Story

Today is my friend KPF’s birthday and I would like to attempt another humourous post to tickle his Newfoundland funny bones! So, here goes…

‎We moved into our new home 3 years ago! At that point in time, it was already 40+ years old. It wasn't really new by any means and needed serious renovations. We didn't have extra cash and we didn't really care about appearances.

Our (this is precisely where Craigley would interject, if he could, to change "our" to "her" or make it so to reflect it as my choice!)  sole purpose in purchasing a home in our neighbourhood was so that the boys have access to better schools. So, we (or rather I) went over budget‎ and picked up something that made us the proverbial "house rich, cash poor" people! (If Craigley could step in again, he would say that it is not even a house! It is a “Town House” that comes with monthly maintenance fee which technically wouldn’t make us very rich…hmmm!) It didn't and still doesn't bother me as I truly believe the long term benefits far outweigh the short term pain.

Anyways, to continue on with the home reno story...

Our parquet floor started buckling last summer. I learned about it in Science a very long time ago - expansion and contraction. Our parquet was absorbing the moisture in the air during the warm months when air-conditioning is on and doing crazy things like literally popping out of the floor. So, we got a dehumidifier and I patched up the broken parquet with tape. Believe it or not, this was a better plan than placing chairs over the buckled areas like pylons. Our home looked like some amateur obstacle course. So, the taping down made it less chaotic.

Craigley wanted to get rid of the home, the mortgage, the impending reno and just move out. Perhaps that is where his frustration stems from?! To have a wife who puts him in a financially precarious position and refuses to budge!! Guilty as charged. There are days I want the boys to know that if their dad is upset with their Momley, there is a good reason.

Anyways, to continue on with the home reno story...

After almost a year of living with a patchwork floor, it was time to fix the problem. I just didn't realize how big an undertaking it is. I casually spoke with some parents at school while we waited around and got an abundance of advice.

...go for engineered wood; hardwood is overrated...

...hardwood is the way to go if you want to increase the value of your home...

...buy the wood and do it yourself; you will save a bundle...

...shop around and get as many quotes as possible...

...do it when the kids are at school...

...do it over summer holidays...

All good advice and a lot to think about!

Finally, we got down to it a week before "Back to School"! It was supposed to have finished within 5 days. It took 2 weeks and a day, and the workers left with a day's worth of work to complete the reno. They took off 6 days ago and have somewhat contacted us. I have communicated twice now. Our garage is filled with debris and our home continues to be a construction zone! I did the mistake of paying everything upfront; I have no leverage over the reno people! So, I wait; I have no choice!

This home reno story will one day have an end…till then, I hope, someone got a laugh out of it if not KPF. Happy birthday my friend!

 

13 Summers

When I held ASid in my arms 13 years ago, I told myself that I had 18 years with my baby boy! Recently, a mom mentioned a notion of "16 Summers"; she said that's how much time we have with each of our children! That was a bit depressing to know, but then it also makes the time I have left with them that much more precious.

Recently, on my first born's 13th birthday, I realized that that period may be even shorter than the one mentioned by that mom. I came to this conclusion when Craigley asked ASid about the best part of this summer; at first, ASid refused to respond and then, after a bit of coaxing, he spilled the beans!

ASid's top moment was the overnight trip he had at his best friend's cottage. His second top moment was spending time with some new friends he made over the summer. I am sure if he had listed a third top moment‎, it would have been the day when some of his school buddies came over for a day to our home. Momley wasn't mentioned at all!

At first, I felt a little unappreciated. After all, did I not make all those moments happen by communicating and arranging‎ with the parents of ASid's best friend and his other friends? It would have been nice if he had perhaps acknowledged with a simple "Thanks Momley for making those top moments happen!”; But then I feel like I am expecting my children to owe me something in return for everything I do for them?! And it ain't so. I am happy to telephone, email and text parents and arrange for my children to spend time with their friends. At the end of the day, when my children are happy...I am too, and that's my reward!

But I guess it is OK to feel a little underappreciated sometimes...as long as that feeling lasts a couple of minutes and I forget about it afterwards!‎ What I do remember and need to remember always is that ASid has been a wonderful child for 13 years and I am thankful for the 13 Summers I got with him!

 

Little Laughs!

The boys wanted a repeat of last summer! They wanted to enjoy "cheap" Tuesday Movie tickets; sleep in and sleep late; visits with friends and family; some lunches at their favourite restaurants; some days of nothingness...Last summer, the boys told me that it was the best time they had and so, they are reliving it this summer!

When they are home, I requested ASid to spend some time reading to his younger brother and getting him to practise some writing. Hans looks up to his older ‎brother (sometimes) and I thought ASid can make it more fun for him. So, what has ASid done so far...he taught Hans how to play Chess and is struggling to teach him to play Scrabble! Should I be upset? Nah!

How can I when ASid ends some days with sentences like below:

We had lots of fun; it's true. Thanks to you!

And Hans tries to copy him with sentences like below:

I will make tea for you when you are a hundred...will you be dead?

Imagine them reciting it like poetry and then, it's really funny! I am having the time of my life.

 

Sayings and Doings

What goes around comes around!

The other day, as I stepped out of my front door, I saw this man pacing back and forth in my neighbour's driveway. We live in a townhouse complex and everyone is really close to each other whether we like it or not! So, I said a polite "Hello" and wondered who he is. Apparently, he is my neighbours' nephew and spending a couple of weeks at their home‎. He wanted to know if I had any matches to spare and without thinking, I answered in the affirmative and indicated that we keep matches on hand to light birthday candles! I ran in and grabbed one of the two match boxes I had in my kitchen. What a good neighbourly thing to do!

That was also the day ASid invited 4 of his friends over to "hang out". I set up a table and chairs in the backyard so the boys could enjoy some sun and perhaps get some fresh air. The first thing one of the boys exclaimed was "Hey! There is someone in your backyard!" We had to explain to the kid that we have "open" backyards and only "half fences"! It allows for easy access to do lawn mowing and landscaping as we live in a condo townhouse where we pay a monthly maintenance fee! As the boys were absorbing this information, the "someone" turns out to be my neighbours' nephew! I waved at him and asked him if the matches worked; he nodded and proceeded to light a cigarette...

Imagine how I felt!

I immediately resolved to be not such a "good neighbour"‎! Why couldn't I have said a polite "NO"? Why oh why? When the boys asked me, I told them that I couldn't lie...

Honesty is the best policy!

Around the same time, we had new neighbours move in! They seem like nice people, however the husband parks the car outside of their garage and Craigley has been grumbling about it. Since we also have shared driveways, it is a little tricky to back out of our garage and get out when a car is partially blocking the way out!‎ I keep telling Craigley that it is not so bad as he has to deal with it just once a day! However, last weekend (the long weekend), we were in and out quite a bit! As we came back home on Saturday, Craigley remarked how our new neighbours' car was parked outside again!

As I got out of the car and opened Hans' door, he jumped out in his usual style. Immediately, he spotted our new neighbours ‎and ran towards them! I thought he was being friendly and then, I heard him say very loudly to them, "My dad thinks you should park your car in your garage!"

Imagine how I felt!

 

Happy Parents

My brother and his wife welcomed their baby boy just a day before Hans turned 6! A first for them as well as a first for my boys who were eagerly awaiting a cousin on their Momley's side of the family. There has been much joy at this arrival. There have also been moments of self-doubt as with all new parents.

My sister-in-law, the lovely new mom, has been most affected! She constantly worries that she is probably not being a good parent. She wonders when her son cries for a few minutes if she is not comforting him enough!‎ She asks me how I dealt with my own 2 boys. She believes I must have been quite good.

Actually, I was as much in self-doubt as she is now for the first few weeks‎ of ASid's life. I constantly questioned my competency. Perhaps all new parents feel that way; it is a learning phase. First time parenting becomes almost like a trial and error "experiment"; eventually, there are successful outcomes! Some parents get there sooner than others and it's OK; this is not a race!

I have personally witnessed a few new mom meltdowns. I know of new moms who have gone crazy staying home with a baby. They all felt guilty. Is it OK to be happy at the thought of going back to work once the maternity leave is up? Yes, absolutely! I believe that all of us parents need to do what makes us happy. At the end of a day, a happy parent is a good parent (regardless of all the errors we invariably make). But, then again, there is no such thing as a "happy parent"! We all do what we need to do and there are certainly unhappy moments.

When an adult can look back and say s/he had a happy childhood, ‎then his/her parents did a good job! I'd like to believe that they had happy parents :)

So, all new parents out there..."Don't worry; Be happy"...what a nice little song to hum through parenthood.

 

I am 40 today!!

I don't feel any different! Definitely, a time for reflection though!

I am reminded of a day in the year when Smoggy, my dear friend, and I turned 25. I told him the clichéd "when we turn 40 and we aren't married to someone by then, we will marry each other"! To which, he responded that he had already made that pact with his best friend from his teenage years! As my brother (and some others) would say‎, "BURN!"

I can laugh about it now; however, I can't imagine being single right now. I can't imagine life without my 2 beautiful boys. If I can actually go back in time and have the chance to live my life differently...I know I will make the same choices I have made and have no regrets! The last few months and 12 years have been the best; being a mom has been the best gift!

As I look forward to the next few years of my life, I will strive to laugh more and once in a while, laugh at myself as well. So, here is a laugh I'd like to share with my friend, KPF, and everyone else who cares...just because...

As mentioned in my last post, I have been looking for a job and I have been quite vocal about it as I don't know where the next opportunity ‎awaits me. One of the parents at Hans' school mentioned that there is an "opportunity" she'd like to discuss with me. It was on the last day of school and I was worried that I may not get an opportunity to pursue this "opportunity"! I was worrying unnecessarily as this parent insisted on meeting with me face to face and actually set up a time! I was very excited and waited eagerly; she was a few minutes late. I was OK with that!

She started off by saying that she hopes I wouldn't be offended‎ by what she was about to say! All I could think of was perhaps she was offering me a job as a nanny; I have been mistaken for a nanny several times! That wouldn't upset me and I could politely decline! Although, by now, this parent definitely knows that I am not the nanny! So, what is this "opportunity" that could possibly offend me?

Turns out her husband is a dentist and he got to meet me at Hans' 6th birthday party. Apparently, being the professional that he is, he noticed that my teeth could use some work! He wanted to provide me with an "opportunity" to have this work done within a reasonable amount of money!

I could almost hear a loud "BURN!" in my ears. I let this parent know that I am focused on finding a job currently and when I am able to earn some extra dollars for my family, I would definitely consider this generous "opportunity" being provided by her dentist husband.

For once, I didn't cry; I had a good laugh and I immediately wanted to share with family and friends, and laugh some more!

Hope you had a good laugh too!

 

The "first" interview

Technically, it was not my first interview; but it sure did feel like it!

On April 4th, I saw a job posting that got me very interested. It was for a part-time position and it was what I was looking for! It allowed me to work from home! I desperately wanted this job and I spent somewhere between 2 and 3 hours to rework my resume and cover letter. As soon as I was done, I emailed it; I didn't even think about the fact that there was a deadline of April 25th and I sent it out too early on April 5th which also happens to be a Saturday! Perhaps, I should have waited till Monday at least?!

On the following Monday, I was pleasantly surprised to receive an acknowledgment of my application from the potential employer. Just that courtesy boosted my confidence to no end. I wrote back saying that I hope to hear from them after the 25th of April! I was waiting anxiously and finally on the 30th, I was contacted to reconfirm my interest in the position as well as state my availability for certain weekdays. Once all those formalities were completed, I got an interview date of May 14th - my first interview in a long long time and I was excited. However, I also had the daunting task of rounding up 3 references!!

What seemed like a challenging task turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I got an opportunity to reconnect with people on a professional level; the best one was with my friend Smoggy. He and I worked for about 3 years prior to ASid's birth; although we met at a workplace, we became really good friends. We worked well professionally and also gelled personally. It came as no surprise then that I reached out to my friend Smoggy! He offered to go through the job description and prepare me for the interview. He spent an hour and a half on the phone reminding me of all the skills I possess. I was truly astonished at my own knowledge and I felt prepared for the interview next day.

What can I say? I did really well in the interview. I called Smoggy, my Mom, my newest friend (who gave me an opportunity to do a couple of hours' worth of work each week) ‎ and Craigley. I told them all that I had the job; I was so sure. I was so excited. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I had experienced something other than a Momley Moment that made me feel good about myself.

Then, a week went by and I heard nothing. None of my references were contacted! What happened? A day later, I get an email saying that the job has been offered to someone else. It was May 22nd and Hans' 6th b'day, and I just broke down and cried. I felt a loss that couldn't be expressed in words. Amidst all that crying, I wanted to know "why?” The lady who had been communicating with me the whole time was kind enough to reply to my query and this is what she wrote:

It was wonderful to meet you, and share some of your teaching experiences.  I do hope you are able to move ahead to a more full time position, as you certainly have many excellent skills that should assist you. 

I thought you were very comfortable in the interview, and answered questions in detail and on point.  You have many great qualifications that will assist in the process.  I have no doubt that if you continue to pursue job opportunities you will soon find a more full time position.  

In this work world, it often takes several searches for jobs before the right one appears.  So don't give up!!  

All the best with this journey!

Thank you lady! Thank you Smoggy! Thank you to everyone else who believe in me. Boys, Momley is on her way! I would have loved for an opportunity to work with this lady, however there will always be other opportunities and Momley is not giving up!

 

Precious Passwords

In my last post, I listed almost all the devices my boys own. Craigley and I have a rule that devices are strictly available on a "weekend basis". Sometimes this weekend privilege is lost if the boys fail to perform other duties and responsibilities such as piano practice, etc. Craigley is the one who usually "punishes" the boys by taking away their devices over several weekends!

As one might safely conclude, this post is related to the devices again‎!

Most nights, I sit on a chair beside the bed as Hans‎ prepares to sleep. It takes about half hour from the time his head hits the pillow to the time he actually falls asleep! There was a time I waited patiently by the bedside and responded to his questions while urging him to close his eyes and go to sleep. Then one day, I realized that I could use that half hour to do the dishes or clean up the kitchen or catch a show on TV! So, I would tuck Hans into bed and take off; strangely enough, he did not protest at all. It took a few days for me to find the PlayBook "sleeping" beside him in bed; how could I have missed that?!

A 5 year old and so sneaky! I went on a rampage and set up passwords on all the devices the kids have access to. A new rule was created as well - all devices are to be dropped off on Sunday nights on the side table in the big bedroom! ASid was a little offended for the lack of faith; however the benefits far outweighed hurt feelings. I could leave Hans by himself at bedtime without worrying about him watching a Lego Ninjago video on YouTube!

The above incident happened several weeks ago and I didn't realize how my peace of mind had created the opposite effect in my children's minds! Most recently, Hans wanted to know if some kids have only one parent?! I told him that it is quite possible if the parents are not living together and then, the kids will only have one parent at a time! Hans didn't seem to pay too much attention to my explanation. He wanted to know what happens if a parent dies. I told him that the other parent would take care of the kids. Then he wanted to know what would happen if both the parents died?! Hans didn't talk about Death in a while and it got me a little worried. We were walking home from school that day and I instinctively reached out for his hand and assured him that he will have his grandparents and his uncle to take care of him and his brother if his dad and his mom were to die suddenly. All Hans said in response was, "But what about the passwords?"

"Huh??"

"But Momley what about the passwords" and he almost started crying!

In my mind, I went "What?" and then I got it! So, I gently told him, "Just before I die, I will tell you the passwords to your PlayBook and Momley's iPad!"

Hans immediately brightened and exclaimed "YAY!!"

I didn't know whether I should cry or laugh, however I decided to enjoy the quiet walk with my child as he looked‎ so very happy at the thought of getting the passwords to his favourite devices from his parents as they breathed their last!

 

"Relatability"

When I typed the word in MS Word, I saw the red squiggly line under it! Then I typed it into the Google search engine and, it appears like it is a word used online in various contexts. I want to use it as an "ability to relate"!

As my boys are growing up, especially ASid who will be a certified Teen in August, I wonder about how much they are able to relate to me?! I didn't think much about it till the other day when ASid mentioned that his friend CM's family is a happy and a friendly family! Really? Why? How does he feel about his own family?

It appears that CM and his family have "family board game nights" and some weekends, they all play together on their Nintendo devices. That makes them happy and I am still not sure how they are friendly?! I asked ASid his thoughts on his own family! ‎ His answer stunned me for a few minutes...

ASid said that we NEVER play board games or have fun on the devices! I had to remind him that he has 3 Nintendo handheld ‎devices (DS, DSi and 3DS XL) that he enjoys playing on simultaneously; we also have an iPad and an iPod Touch that the 2 boys connect with and play together; we have a PS3 (at our home) and Nintendo Wii (at my parents' home) that they use when there are a lot of friends and family visiting...on the same note, we have 4 versions of Monopoly, an anniversary edition of Scrabble with a rotating board, Sorry, Catan and many more! It seems like I am listing all our treasures and for all intents and purposes, these are our treasures. All of our money is mostly invested in the boys' RESPs and their "toys". 

So, why are we not a happy family? ASid then pointed out that it is not that our family does not play games; it is just that I do not join in on any one of the games! So, it was really me who is holding back the family from winning the "Happy and Friendly" title! It made me sad and mad at the same time. How dare ASid use this random means of measurement? It felt like he was using his dad's standards to measure/judge his mom‎.

As much as I was upset, ASid was red with anger as he blurted out again, "You NEVER play any games with us...you NEVER make the effort!” Wow! That was a bit harsh. But he was right. Once in a while, I play Scrabble with the boys; that's about it! However, I do make an effort in other ways. I was a little saddened that I wasn't being recognized for my contribution to my boys' lives. I let ASid vent for a while; he is 12 going on 13. So far, he has been a great preteen and if this is the extent of his angst...it is actually not that bad!

When he cooled down, I did let him know that I am hurt just as much by his words as he is by my lack of participation in games. I hoped that he is happy that his Momley listens to him and has all the time in the world for him. Craigley has all the patience for games, but he expects the boys to summarize their narratives; his standard request, "Can you say that in 2 or 3 sentences?"‎. On the other hand, I have all the patience to listen to the boys as they talk about their day at school or an issue with a friend or their excitement over a book.

Still…I could play more games with them...perhaps that will make us a happy family...perhaps ASid will realize that all families are happy in their own ways...perhaps one day he is able to relate to his Momley in other ways...perhaps Hans won't have this same conversation with me 7 years from now...perhaps by then I am more prepared!

I think with my firstborn I am learning of all the ups and downs of parenthood. Given that, I guess “relatability” is not a constant; it is strong sometimes and weak at other times! On reflection, I myself was able to relate most to my mother when I became a mother myself. I shouldn’t get too emotional at what ASid said; at least, he is able to communicate his problems with me…even if I am the problem! That’s definitely a good thing, eh?

 

Anonymity

We choose to be anonymous for different reasons. I chose to be anonymous on this blog for very personal reasons. 

The first reason, obviously, are my boys. There is a natural instinct for any parent to protect his/her children. Just because I made the choice to "communicate" with them in such a public format does not mean they are not entitled to their privacy!

The second reason is one of hope. There will always be bias in any writing as we are a product of our experiences! However, my hope is that any mother or for that matter, any parent is able to relate to the writing on this blog and feel connected in some way. I don't feel the need to attach a black or white or brown or yellow or green face to this blog.

Having said that, I have lifted all sorts of restrictions from commenting on this blog! Before now, comments had to be moderated/approved by me…although there haven’t been any comments to date! Starting now, readers are free to comment…even the “anonymous” readers. Anonymity gives most of us strength to say things we dare not say otherwise. Anonymity (sometimes) also brings out the monsters in us where we are not ashamed to be our worst! However, I hope the readers of this blog choose to leave constructive feedback and share a dialogue.

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for more.

 

What's one's worth?

We have had an exciting couple of weeks in our family. Hans has been filming as a "background performer" or an "extra" for a new TVO show premiering in Fall. By the time Hans is done filming, he would have earned $300 at the rate of $50/day. It seems like a lot of money for a 5 year old child; it seems like a lot of money even from a 12 year old perspective!

Perhaps for the second time in his life, ASid felt a little insecure about himself. He told me that he is almost 7 years older than his brother and yet, he hasn't earned anything whereas Hans has already made money at such a young age! When I heard his concern, it immediately got me thinking. Where is this nonsense coming from? To my dismay, I am the culprit who has contaminated my child's thinking at such a tender age!

Even before I started my job search, I was beginning to feel like I was doing nothing by staying at home! This feeling crept in I believe when Hans started JK; I literally had (and still have) 5 and half hours to myself. It seemed like Craigley, other Mothers and sometimes, the whole world wanted to know what I was doing with that time. Perhaps that led me to that feeling of not doing anything. Somehow, it soon translated into being useful or not. And finally, I felt like I can only consider myself useful if I was able to use my time to do some work that paid me! I could do tons of work around my home and not feel like I contributed in a concrete sense. Money became the official measurement and it made me feel quite inadequate!

As I was going through this transition in my life, I may have had some emotional moments where I shared with Craigley and a couple of family members how I felt about my worth as an individual. Now that I am reflecting on the last few months, it is quite possible that ASid heard these conversations. In fact, I am ashamed to admit that I might have even equated earning respect with earning money! ‎What was I thinking? ... Unfortunately, I wasn't thinking.

I am so glad that my child feels comfortable enough to share his concerns with me. Since he did, I got a chance to rectify my mistake. I was able to communicate to him that it is erroneous to think that the only way to feel good about oneself is by earning money. ASid can be useful to the world by being a kind and considerate boy who helps his family, neighbours and community. Money is a necessity and eventually we have to work for it. He will be earning money too one day; he could make more or less than his brother. It shouldn't matter. What matters most is that he is a good person and he never makes others feel less than who they are!

Talking to my child made me feel better about myself too and as I continue to apply for jobs, I need to feel that way! Recently, my friend KPF lost his job. He decided to take a break and spend some time with friends and family. Even as I wish for him to get his next job quickly, I am glad he has this time and perhaps we can catch up?!

It is all in the perspective!

 

Friendships!

Recently I connected with some friends from "back home"; it is strange when people use that phrase as they are not really going back and it is probably not their home anymore! Anyways, I digress.

These friends of mine now live on 3 continents. ‎Thanks to advancements in telecommunications, we are able to chat without incurring much cost to any of us!

The last time I sat with these 4 friends of mine was in 1995. When we all connected 2 months ago, it didn't feel like 18 and a half years‎ have flown by. As we caught up with each other's lives, I felt like no time has passed at all!

On a daily basis, I feel more or less my real age; however, when chatting with my friends, I feel very young. I am transported to a time when all I worried about was school and perhaps a little bit about boys :)

Talking of boys...I want my boys, especially ASid, to cherish this time they have; make friendships and enjoy them. I hope they do!

Some of us, like Craigley, have the same 2 friends we have had from when we were 5. Some of us make friendships at every stage of our lives. Personally, I believe every friendship I formed has helped me get through some stage in my life. ‎My friends have been my strength when I needed it the most.

Today and every day I can, I want to celebrate ‎my friendships. Thank you all for being there for me!

 

(Final) Chucky Update (?)

If the 2 to 4 readers of this blog have been reading somewhat regularly, they are aware of my issues with Chucky. This 5 year old boy has made me feel quite uncomfortable as well as inadequate in a sense. It is difficult to express in words how I feel about how (perhaps) I failed this boy!

I have written previously about Chucky; however, today I can write about him with hope. A few days ago, Chucky’s mom called me. She wondered if I could be honest with her about Chucky. It was like all my prayers were answered. In the past, I did not know how to approach Chucky’s parents or how I could help. It literally drove me crazy that I did nothing. So, the call was like redemption. I tried to be as diplomatic as possible, but let Chucky’s mom know that he has issues with authority and that he could be aggressive at times. It was not the most pleasant of conversations and yet it made me feel better. I am relieved to know that Chucky will get help.

 

An Oscar Win!

In our home, 8:30pm is bed time for Hans. He was not at all happy. It seemed to him like the whole world was about to watch the Oscars except for him! His older brother sleeps an hour later and so ASid was allowed to watch the beginning of the show. As I helped Hans brush his teeth and get ready for bed, he tried to "escape" once and mostly expressed his displeasure for not being included with the rest of the family! Finally, I reminded him that I was not watching the Oscars either as I was with him! The kid drives me crazy sometimes!

There are times I lose my cool and there are times I am reminded of my own childhood. Luckily, I remembered and I decided to share an instance with Hans. I told him how I didn't have a TV at home when I was his age. I also told him how my mother walked with my brother and myself to someone's home so we could watch a movie that she watched when she was a child! Hans immediately told me that he felt sad for me. As he drifted off to sleep, he whispered, "I will give you the trophy mommy...when I win it...when I grow up". I assured him that I would keep it for him safely! He was soon asleep.

I felt like a winner as I caught up with Craigley and ASid.

 

Musings from a somewhat Working Mom(ley)

I wanted to go back to work when Hans started fulltime Junior Kindergarten. That was the “plan” and now, I have been made to realize that plans should have timelines and goals attached to them. In fact, they should be “action plans”! In all fairness, I have to admit that Hans’ first year of school flew by really quickly and I enjoyed every minute of it as well…we walked to school and back home together; we got to know Hans’ teachers, his classmates and their parents together and we learned to struggle together – whether it was with the mighty confusing Alphabet or with the prospect of going back into the “real” world!

The current school year, Hans’ second, he is on his way! There will always be struggles, however Hans is beginning to accept that “know” sounds like “no” and that there are many such words that he will eventually read/pronounce without a second thought! I am sure he will one day read without “struggling”. His Momley, on the other hand, has perhaps not achieved as much as he has. She is still struggling!

The good news is that I finally have a part-time job. Not 20 hours a week as one might think, it is an hour per day for 3 days a week. I feel good about it. It is a start. Then there are days I feel less than good about it. I believe the problem lies with how we value ourselves and how we perceive the value of others. This is by no means a “new” problem. This morning, I am reminded of a moment from my second year at York University. A few of us students were waiting to get into a “seminar” room and started chatting. One student wanted to know why we were there and what we wanted to do once we graduated. Everyone said something and I don’t remember any of it, however I remember one female student saying that she wanted to get married and have children and take care of them. I was surprised by such a “domestic” confession amidst such an “academic” crowd! A couple of female students literally pounced on it. They wanted to know why this particular female student was bothering to get such an expensive education if that’s all she wants to do with her life. The answer was simple, “It’s my life and I should have a choice”!

I am glad I am reminded of that moment. I should not be made to feel guilty for the choices I have made in my life. I should not value myself from others’ perception of value. Action plan or not, I will get there at my own pace and it’s OK!

While I am at it, I will share a few quotations from one of my favourite poets, Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.

“Map out a course of action” sounds like an “action plan”! Perhaps, I will work on an action plan one of these days and see where it takes me!

 

Gastroenteritis by any other name…

Last Thursday, I got a call from Hans' school. This was the second call of the week; the first one was 3 days prior to that! On Monday, Hans apparently fell and hurt himself very close to his left eye. Luckily there was a lunch monitor who happened to be a retired Registered Nurse! She dressed Hans' mini gash which was bleeding a bit and assured me that it doesn't need any stitches. Hans was very calm throughout the ordeal and he was called "brave" by the lovely lady. The most recent call was about Hans not looking too well! As I made my way to school, I was also thinking of how he missed 3 days of school the week before because of an ear infection - his 3rd in 3 months! He couldn't possibly have another ear infection while still on antibiotics?!

As I walked into the School Office, the Secretary told me that there seems to be something going around as ‎quite a few students have already been signed out by their parents. Somehow, that pushed the proverbial panic button and was not comforting in the least. I went to find my child who looked like he had been crying and as soon as he saw me, he started crying again. He complained that he had a tummy ache. First instinct was to rush him off to the washroom! It didn't help much and he burst out into tears. Hans' ECE, Ms F, asked me to check his lunch bag. I did and everything I packed was all there! So, maybe, Hans was hungry?!

Since Hans was crying so much, I decided to bring him home first and deal with feeding him then. It is quite possible he didn't like what I packed for lunch although it is most unlikely! So we  got home and as if he felt safe to do so, Hans threw up big time. Not once, but a few times for the rest of that day. Surprise laundry duty for Momley!

Friday went by without school for Hans and without much ado! I was tired from lack of sleep and looked forward to the Family Day long weekend. However, we still had Saturday classes to get through. It was Culture Day at the Heritage Language School. Every student had an opportunity to witness and learn from experts a traditional dance form. ASid looked at me and indicated that he didn't feel like dancing as he was extremely hungry. He is 12 and I can't force him to partake in something he didn't want to; I pulled him out to sit with the parents. One of the moms commented that growing boys are always hungry. ASid is never hungry!

As soon as Culture Day came to an end and students started filing out; ASid was first to leave the room followed a little later by Hans and myself! As soon as I stepped out, I saw 2 teachers directing students and parents to go around; about 80% of the hallway was unusable! What happened? As I moved closer, I saw my first born sitting on a bench staring forlornly at the big mess he had just made! How could I have not anticipated this happening?!

I rushed to help the teachers apologizing profusely. They were very gracious and one of them remarked that it is quite normal with kids. Craigley came by, took Hans from me and walked away silently. I got ASid to the closest washroom to clean him up. As we started driving home, I read a text from a parent at Hans' school. It was a kind warning. Her daughter was sick on Thursday as well and she had apparently transferred it to the mom! This parent was asking me to watch out for ASid! She said it was the Stomach Flu.

Too late! I shared the news with Craigley who was grimly driving the car. All he could mutter was something to the tune of how inconsiderate ASid was! The rest of Saturday went into taking care of ASid. This was not the Family Day weekend I had in mind. Sigh!

I canceled a plan to go to the AutoShow with my brother. ASid had been going to the AutoShow with his uncle since he was 2 and a half; at 12 and a half, he missed going to the AutoShow for the first time! Darn you Stomach Flu! I googled it like I was going to find it and destroy it and then I found out, that is not even its name! Anyways…that which we call Stomach Flu; by any other name would stink as much…and the bard would agree.

As I am typing on a sickly Sunday night, Craigley has succumbed to it as well; I am just hoping I am not next!

Note: As I am ready to post the above on a Tuesday evening, I have to admit that it got to me too!
 

Your dad's fat!

Hans has been attending Art classes for over a year now. I take him for these classes and wait for an hour or more as he engrosses himself in a world of colours. Hans has never not wanted to attend his Art classes.

 

Craigley finds it difficult to believe that Hans can focus for that long and produce his masterpieces! So, I asked Craigley to accompany Hans to one of his Art classes. The Art teacher is quite accommodating of parents who wish to sit in on the classes. So, Craigley did attend a class and we have a story!

***

Craigley didn't look too happy when he got back from the Art class. So, I inquired if everything went alright. All he muttered was that he didn't want Hans to spend anymore time than necessary with that boy in the Art class. Craigley definitely was referring to J since he was the only other boy! J has more energy than most boys, however that is not unusual. So, what happened?

 

Apparently, J exclaimed to Hans "Your dad's fat!" as soon as our son introduced his father to his Art mate! My unspoken thought was that the boy did not say anything that is not true. Craigley has gained some pounds over the years and in all fairness, so have I. I didn't really understand Craigley's outburst regarding J's comment.

 

So, with a little prodding, I got some more information. Craigley's frustration mostly was due to J's mom's reaction. Apparently, she just looked at her son and smiled! Craigley felt like she should have reprimanded her son and taught him some manners! Under normal circumstances, I would have agreed with Craigley; however, there are always exceptions to what we like to call "normal". I let Craigley know that J's mom does not know English and J is the first one in their family to be born in Canada. "So what?", was the reaction.

***

Arrgh! Sometimes, it is very difficult to explain anything to Craigley. It is just that for immigrant parents, who know no English or very little English, it is a great joy when their Canadian born children speak English as "it should be spoken"! They may not understand everything their child is speaking, but they beam in pride when their child speaks! I am sure if J's mom had understood J's comment about Craigley, she would have definitely had a chat with her son!

 

So, how is Craigley now? I think he has already forgotten about the incident, and Hans and J continue to have a fun time in the Art class.

 

Races

Yesterday, I called Craigley a racist and his smug response, "I am not racist, I am offensive to all races!".

Why would I call him a racist? Brace yourselves for a bit of a story!

Ever since ASid was old enough to learn new things, I would request Craigley to teach him or take him to classes. These requests would be made only for those skills I didn't and still don't possess and there are 3 that are so very important for the survival of a Canadian kid or adult; especially, social survival! These, in my opinion (and mine alone), are biking, swimming and skating!

Craigley is competent in all the above skills/activities. I enrolled ASid in swimming when he was 18 months old. Craigley complained that ASid was most of the time outside of the pool than in the water. I concluded the boy was too young for swimming! After 18 months had gone by, I registered ASid in the Skate Canada program offered through the Seneca College. Unfortunately, as mentioned in a previous post, it was a parent-tot program! Craigley hit the proverbial ceiling within a few classes and most classes ended in ASid sitting on the ice and me crying on the benches. I moved ASid a few months later to the less expensive Toronto City program that required just the child on the ice. By then, ASid didn't care for skating! I also tried swimming again at the age of 5 where the child is in water and the parent can sit and watch; once again, Craigley remarked that ASid perhaps does not like swimming! Around this time, Craigley also concluded that ASid can't bike if his life depended on it! As usual, I blamed myself for the "short comings" in my child. I can't do these things and hence, my child is unable to do them as well?!

It is so easy to give up on a child. Especially, after a long day of work, wouldn't you want to get home and relax? Yeah, almost all of us! Who really wants to spend part of their weekends struggling with a child? Nobody, but most parents do. It is an unwritten commandment for parents - Thou shall spend as much time as possible with your child (whether you like it or not).

So, there was our child...can't bike, can't swim and barely skates! If I ever worried about drowning, Craigley would say, "We are in Toronto! Where is the water?". And life went on...

I had to try again. When ASid was 9, I got him to take swimming lessons with a friend. It was a bit expensive, however not as expensive as my child's life or anyone else's life! Now, at the age of 12, ASid is in Ultra Swim Level 7. He actually enjoys the social pool parties that have suddenly sprung up in his life since last Summer! Where is the water? It is everywhere.

When it comes to children, discussions and disagreements are expected between parents. These days, we are at it again with Hans' skating lessons. Even though I spared Craigley the trouble of being on the ice with a tot by waiting 2 extra years to start off Hans with skating; Craigley insisted on watching Hans skate. Since last October, Craigley probably attended 7 skating lessons. After last week's lesson, Craigley told Hans that the former's time is being wasted by attending the latter's skating lessons! At that point in time, I lost it and told Craigley to not waste his time anymore.

When discussions and disagreements are aired out in front of children, it is rather unfortunate for the family. However, it is not an unusual occurrence in most families; I learned that by talking to other parents. It helps to know that Craigley and I are "normal" parents, and yet it doesn't help at all.

OK! Back to the story...

Yesterday, Hans' school organized a Skate for all the students. It was a massive undertaking by one parent and other parents volunteered to help. I volunteered Craigley and he was kind enough to take the day off. It was great to see Hans on the ice with his dad. He actually skated more than he ever did in any of his skating lessons!

After skating, Craigley exclaimed, "That's what one Kinder Surprise will get you!". Even as I got ready to defend my little fella and Craigley followed that up with something like...no wonder since you people are not athletic! Excuse me, you people? That's when I called him a racist! And as usual, he laughed it off...

This post is not really about anyone being racist...real or otherwise! It is more about the races we send off our kids to and if we do want them to win those races or at least complete them; we need to have a lot of patience. If a child falters or gives up, we cannot chalk it up to genetics and definitely not give up on them!

Sometimes the solutions are quite simple...as simple as the promise of one Kinder Surprise! Sometimes, it just requires a bit of patience. Sometimes, our kids will let us know what they need if we are willing to listen.

2014, I will listen to my children and find out how I can help them win their races in spite of their races.

 

Happy New year everyone!