Unknown

Yesterday, I felt alone all of a sudden and wanted to disappear. I told ASid about it and he asked me to write a poem. Today, I did. I feel better.

What I would give

To go back in time
To that moment
Where I was unknown

When no one knew me

I walked the streets unseen
When no one saw me
I was free like the wind

Now I have been found

And I don't know who I am
I feel shackled and bound
Unable to breathe

I wander around in crowds

Friends or foes, I know not
The day they wanted me
I lost me forever

If I am, then he isn't?!

A few weeks ago, Craigley was really upset. He wondered if I was complaining to family, friends, neighbours and perfect strangers about him being a bad husband?!

The outburst made no sense. According to almost everyone we surround ourselves with, Craigley is a great husband! In fact, G would say that I won the lottery when I married Craigley. And Craigley had issues with G at one point in time!

It seemed like there are new issues to tackle and they are with me this time around!

So, I wondered out loud as to what led Craigley to this crazy conclusion?! Turns out that everyone he ran into in the neighbourhood was hell bent upon letting him know what a good wife he has! So, how does that make him a bad husband? Apparently, it does.

Craigley's background is Mathematics, but only Craigley can understand his logic.

So, it was wonderful that our doorbell rang last night! It was the mother of one of Hans' classmates. Yesterday, the boys had 2 soccer games where they represented their school and won both the games. Some parents couldn't attend and some of us could. I knew that this particular parent recently went back to work and she would have wanted to be there for her child. So, in the middle of it all, I called her to give an update. She was obviously at work and I got her voice mail. I took the opportunity to leave a lengthy message. Apparently, she was thankful for my call and decided to drop by with some flowers and treats.

The first words that came out of her mouth when she saw Craigley were, "Your wife is amazing!".

Although it was a bit of a hyperbole, I appreciated her words. I really needed Craigley to know that people say kind things about people because they are thankful in some way and not in opposition to their feelings for someone else!

Since I am home and I have the time, I help neighbours with picking up their mail or watering their plants or simply smiling at them and stopping for a chat. These are small things and apparently people appreciate them. So, they let Craigley know about them! Perhaps they need to elaborate instead of just saying what a good wife he has!

Personally, I do believe Craigley is a good man. He is amazingly generous to the people in his life. Our friends appreciate his hospitality when they come over.

Together, both Craigley and I do our best to be decent role models for the boys. And hopefully, the boys are paying attention.

Today, ASid is doing some project work at a friend’s home after school. I suggested that ASid pick up flowers for his friend's mother and thank her. This is a woman who has frequently picked up and dropped off ASid from various locations to our home. I wanted ASid to learn from the mother who dropped by our home last night. Today, I wanted him to pay it forward by thanking another mother.

Noteworthy Remarks: We are not competing with each other as parents. We are working together and helping each other. Some days, some of us get more recognition than others; but that is momentary and life goes on. There are always many opportunities to do our best. Rewards are inconsequential and if they show up, we must accept them with humility and reciprocate.

Here is a reminder for Craigley if he happens to drop by!

 

Relationships

Yesterday morning, ASid expressed his frustration with a friend of his who said that she would salvage a marriage however bad it is but walk away from a friendship when it turns sour!

I let ASid know that marriages have religious and/or legal implications that friendships don't have! I really wanted him to respect this girl's opinion. And I also reminded him that all of his friends and classmates are currently only dealing with friendships and have no experience with marriages!

I believe since they are in Grade 12 and in the process of applying to universities and making plans to maybe move away from home and perhaps share a room with a friend, they are discussing friendships moving forward to the next level.

Technically, both friendships and marriages are relationships. Right now, for ASid and his friends, friendships are everything. So, from his perspective, anyone walking away from a friendship without trying to save it is a sacrilege of sorts!

I guess this girl also brought up children and how a marriage needs to be saved for the sake of children if they are involved! I agreed to an extent; however, I told ASid that, for the sake of the very same children, sometimes it is best to walk away from a marriage.

I believe we should be able to walk away from any relationship, including a friendship and a marriage, if it becomes abusive on any level. There is no good reason to put up with abuse. Children need to see symbiotic relationships and learn from them.

I had to let ASid know that his friends and he do not necessarily have an understanding of what it means to be in a committed relationship and have children. Parents can go to great lengths to protect their children - whether it requires staying in a marriage or walking away from it!

ASid considers his friendships a commitment and to that extent, he is willing to fight for them. But then, I advised him to walk away from any of his friendships if they become a source of conflict or pain.

We can all be idealistic and make grandiose statements at a certain age; but then life gets in the way! Then, we learn, we make tough decisions and we move on.

 

Noteworthy Remarks: Long time ago, I battled it out for the one whom I thought was the love of my life! Won the battle, but lost the war. Then, years later, I battled it out for the love of my children. Lost some battles, but won the war.

If a relationship means something, anything and it is inherently based on goodness, fight for it. But also know when to walk away from it!

Integrity Matters

In the fall of 1993, as I waited outside a seminar room at York University, I heard an interesting conversation. There was a group of young female students talking about why they were there. I don't remember what most of them said, but I remember only the one who said that she wanted to get married and raise children. Almost everyone in the group looked at her disapprovingly and someone actually wondered out loud why this young woman was at a place of higher learning when what she wanted to do required no degree of sorts!

I will never ever forget that conversation. It was a moment where someone's choice was neither respected nor supported. That woman simply wanted to be a wife and a mother. It was either a foolish admission or a brave declaration depending on one’s perspective. Since it was mostly perceived as foolishness, I should have said something to support her; however, I did not!

Years later, I felt the same disapproval several times from near and dear ones to total strangers who felt it their responsibility to remind me about the poor choices I made in my life.

Bottom line is that somehow a woman who chooses to stay home and take care of her children is less than a woman who chooses to work and has the financial means to hire a nanny!

What about a woman who has no choice?!

Couple of years ago, I was reminded that I still have a voice in spite of whatever perception people may have of me. And each time I opened my mouth, people felt like I was some sort of an advocate for stay-at-home moms. That is natural given my own personal choice. However, I have never been against a woman who made the opposite choice from mine. We have to make choices that work for us and appreciate that we are lucky to have the freedom to make those choices.

There are several out there, men and women, who do not have a choice.

So, why am I rambling today?!

This morning, I had a heartwarming conversation with ASid. It started off with me saying to him that I probably have lost all my self-respect in the last 17 years crusading around the need to stay at home. He is 17 and he probably does not need me anymore and Hans is 10 which is an age at which most children become quite independent anyways!! I felt like I overstayed my welcome a bit.

ASid immediately reacted quite seriously and very earnestly. He wanted me to know that every choice I made in the last 17 years kept my integrity intact. He listed an entire list of events where I had a choice to make and he let me know that not one single time did I lose my integrity.

Then, he ended by saying that he is going through a very stress intense period in his life and he is glad I am around for a chat when he needs to let it out. He also added that he is happy to see me actively seek work since he and his brother don't need me as much. He said that I kept my word and that's all that matters.

Yesterday, I finished writing a feature article for a local magazine that hired me to be a content contributor. Yes, I had a couple of phone interviews prior to the scheduled "second" interview, and I have a small job that allows me to indulge in a bit of writing. I still remember when I became the Secretary on Hans' School Council. I was delighted that I could have anywhere from 200 to 400 potential readers. I even wrote a blog post about it! Now, there are potentially 3000 readers. Somehow the number did not matter, I wrote with the same discipline and diligence.

And I expect to continue to keep my integrity through the small and the big situations, and continue to make my boys proud. I write this blog for them and I hope one day they find this particular post when they need me per chance and I am not around. My fond wish is that, no matter what, they not compromise their own integrity.

 

The "second" interview

I keep telling people that I haven't had an interview in over 20 years. That is a bit of an untrue statement. I did have a casual interview in a coffee shop for my online teaching stint that lasted about 6 years. That was in 2004. Then, 10 years later, I had what I called my "first" interview. It was a one on one for a part time position. I had badly wanted that job as it was working from home and required a 2 day commitment per week.  I did not get it, but I got an encouraging note from the lady who interviewed me. She told me that I should wait for something more full time!

4 years later, I have my "second" interview!

4 years ago, the only person I turned to was Smoggie and he was my rock. Now, I have a few more friends than then. I did not realize how much I am surrounded by rock solid people. Since it was Thanksgiving Day yesterday, this fact hit home more so than ever before!

To start off with, G pushed me to get an all-important reference letter that was required to complete my application package. Apparently, it did the trick! A few days later, I got a call to confirm my interview date and time. That was enough for me. However, my friends decided that I need more. At this point in time, I have a friend who is investigating interview questions for me from her sources. I also have this wonderful person take time out to set up a mock interview for me. And then, both Y and C, a few hours apart, offered to be my private Uber service to the interview.

For some reason, everyone is terrified of me taking the TTC to the interview.

And I am terrified of the interview that is taking place on the 16th of this month. I shouldn't be. But I am.

On a related note, ASid hugged me like his life depended on it at the Thanksgiving lunch my brother hosted. He let me know that he is terrified at the task of filling out his University applications and that he would be nervous till he receives that acceptance letter! I hugged him tightly and assured him that he will be alright. In my head, it was more like "We will be alright kid!".

It is OK to be a little terrified. Being a little terrified allows us to find the hidden strength in us to get us through it all.

I believe both ASid and his Momley will make it.
 

Cross Country Woes

ASid has never been interested in most kinds of sports and athletic endeavours. However, on occasion, he has been known to join the Cross Country teams at his respective schools.

The first time was at his Junior High School. He was in Grade 8. It didn't make any sense to me. It wasn't peer pressure; maybe it was what they call "peer pleasure"?! Hanging out with your friends not because they are pressuring you, but because you want to!!

I still remember waking up Craigley to drive the boy to school in the wee hours of the morning for Cross Country practice. Craigley would always grumble, "Why can't he practice by starting the run from home?" It made sense, but it was too early in the day and I didn't want ASid to be the only one on the streets. So, Craigley would drive him and drop him at school that was 15 minutes of a walk from our home.

Fast forward to Grade 12 and now…

ASid informed me a couple of weeks ago that he joined the Cross Country team at his High School. Seriously, what was the boy thinking?! He was late to school 4 out of 8 school days at that point in time. How was he going to get to practice on time?! High School is an hour away from home and involves walking as well as the TTC (a bus, a short subway ride and a bus). No way was Craigley going to indulge the boy with drop offs!!

To his credit, ASid made all the necessary arrangements. Obviously, I was recruited to wake him up earlier than usual and he had his friend and friend's mom pick him up. The commitment was for 2 days a week over 4 or 5 weeks.

Day 1, the friend had to ring our bell.

Day 2, I had ASid waiting on the street for his friend and mom.

Day 3, ASid decided he was too sick to go; sent friend a text; friend rang our bell a few minutes later. (Definitely one of the 2 moms was mad!)

Day 4, ASid was officially sick!

Day 5, the friend had to ring our door bell again!

Day 6, the friend sent a text stating a preference to study for the Math test scheduled for period 1 over Cross Country practice!

That is where we are now. Week 3, Day 6! The drama of it all!!

And last night, ASid declared that he might drop Physics this semester and pursue it in night school (if necessary) next semester!! (Is that a silent scream I hear in mine own ears?!)

Given that, the Cross Country woes seem like nothing! Nothing at all!!
 

The littlest of them all!

Many years ago, when I decided to pursue Liberal Arts, my dad's only advice to me was to do my best no matter what path I choose to walk.

A few years ago, I heard about this woman who was an incredible tutor. She was in such demand that only a lucky few got to work with her. I knew I would die for a reputation like hers.

Fast forward to now and I am nowhere near where my dad would want me to be and not even close to the woman who has no more time to give!

High expectations and lofty goals; on a positive note, I still have time and I am learning as I go.

When I am approached to tutor a child, I set up a one-time free custom assessment for that child where a parent or parents are also in attendance. They literally get instant feedback as to what I can do for the child based on my observations from the assessment. At that point in time, both parties can either move forward or call it a day. I give parents time to think about it and get back to me. If I really like the parents, I will accommodate them as much as I can with scheduling. If not, I can come up with a few reasonable excuses to decline an opportunity to work with their child(ren).

The freedom to pick my work environment is important to me. At the end of the day, I am my own boss!

If all of the above seems easy, it certainly is not! I have to think about my own children and how it affects them. My home is also my work place. So, I have had to decline a few kids without even meeting them. Some, I will still meet and assess as parents are very earnest in requesting at least some feedback about how they can help their children. The rest, whom I have actually taken on, leave me with a constant fear of if I am doing the best for them?!

The ability to choose has not made my life easy by any means. Sometimes I wish I had no choice so I can blame someone else for my fears...

Over the last 3 weeks, I have been working with a 7 year old girl. I see her at 5:30 pm on Mondays. I knew when I took her on that she is shy and her mom would like her to be assertive. I was confident that I could work with this child and produce results the parent wants. Last week, I wasn't so sure of myself. This child barely cracked a smile and showed very little emotion.

As much as a writer dreads looking at a blank page without feeling an inspiration to write something, it is worse for a teacher to look into the lifeless eyes of a pupil!

Today, as ASid was about to leave for his own French tutoring session, I remarked how I feel terrible about this child who looks like she is forced to endure an hour of some horror with me. The boy looks at me and advises that I do a song and a dance and everything I can for this child before I talk that way! He was like play a game with her; make it fun for her.

First, I was like “Hey! That is my advice to you!” And then, I was like “Great advice!”

I actually decided to sing and dance if I needed to! This is a 7 year old and suddenly the littlest of them all had become my biggest challenge!

And we got through it. I didn’t dance, but I sang to her. When her mom came to pick her up, I told her that she has the next Monday off as it is Thanksgiving Day. To my surprise, the mom was disappointed and wanted a makeup session. I told her that the child would probably like a break from me and the mom said that her child looks forward to working with me on Mondays.

What?!

I wanted to tell the mom that I didn’t believe her one bit; but then the child smiled the biggest smile ever and nodded in agreement with her mom.

Even as I am writing about it here, I find that moment unbelievable. All I can tell myself is that if I continue to care as much as I do and give it my best, even the littlest of them will sense that and learn to appreciate my efforts.

I must never ever give up on the dream of becoming the woman who is so much in demand that she has no more time to give! It is achievable!