Individuals and Their Shoes

My paternal grandfather loved buying shoes for his son. In the last few years, the son’s son has enjoyed buying footwear for his father. This grandson is Bambino, my brother. He has bought footwear for literally everyone in the family.

The above fact, by itself, does not make a moment. A moment is made when something unexpected happens - good or bad!

Bambino has been buying shoes for Hans for maybe 3-4 years. Quite frankly, I haven’t been keeping track! All I remember are Hans’ responses to these shoes - especially when Bambino is there in person! (Some shoes have been delivered by mail) Hans usually responds with a big smile, sometimes followed by a hug and always with words of gratitude.

In the last few months, as I settled into my predictable daily routine, I have been paying attention to Hans’ shoes. I observed that his running shoes were quite worn out and falling apart in 3 places. I wasn’t the only one to notice this! For his birthday in May, his maternal uncle gifted Hans with a brand-new pair of shoes. I was visibly emotional as I had been asking the boy to buy a new pair, and he was like “I am okay Mom”. Hans is acutely aware of our current situation, and he refuses to burden me with extra financial demands.

I have told Hans repeatedly that parents must provide children with the basic necessities of life, food, clothing and shelter, and that list includes shoes! 

Since school started 2 weeks ago, Hans and I seemed to have switched our arrival times - I have been home before Hans on most days. As I got out of my footwear at the door each day, I consistently saw that Hans’ not-so-new pair of shoes were there and not his worn-out shoes! I was perplexed and finally questioned him about it 2 or 3 days ago. At that point, he said that they were hurting his feet, and he put them away in the closet - outta sight! So, I reminded him about how he expresses such joy on receiving shoes from his uncle, and I recalled how he hasn’t worn the last 2-3 pairs with the same enthusiasm. I asked him to let Bambino know that maybe they should go shoe purchasing in person, and he could choose what he likes instead of the fake appreciation he has displayed. As predicted, Hans’ response was “it is okay Mom” and he was gone!

Perhaps I was too tough on the boy. He is genuinely happy when he receives the shoes. It is when he wears them that he is not so happy anymore. Since I work with kids who have specific sensory needs, I get that part.

Yesterday, ASid and I had dinner with Bambino and his family. Bambino brought up shoes, or rather boots, as winter is coming up. He wondered about Hans’ shoe size. Since his nephew is unwilling to provide honest feedback to him, I decided to tell my brother that he should stop buying shoes and boots for my youngest. Obviously, Bambino was surprised. He was like “but the boy is always so happy” and I was like “because he doesn’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings”.

This is when my brother proceeded to tell me about my parental responsibilities and how I should teach Hans to provide proper feedback to people. I may not recall the exact words as his words hit me hard … because I take my responsibilities as a parent seriously and my brother just told me that I am not doing a good job! Unfortunately, I don’t have one single tragic flaw. I have many faults and one of them is to react emotionally and mindlessly when my parenting is questioned. I could have said something diplomatic like “it takes a village to raise a child, and we can all take responsibility”; however, I said something like “my child is 17 and can you teach your child to try something new?”. My nephew is 11 and a fussy eater.

It was a moment of embarrassment for me, and I seem to be creating these moments in the heat of the moment and regretting them later!

I got home and I knocked on Hans’ door. He was a little under the weather and had skipped dinner with his uncle and his family. I let Hans know about the exchange of words with my brother. Hans’ immediate response was that he was sorry to put me in a confrontational situation. He knows how much I hate them! I told him that he is my child, and I am happy to speak on his behalf; but he needs to start doing that for himself soon.

Since I like to end a moment on a positive note, I would like to share that ASid who was present at the dinner offered to take his brother shoe shopping and buy him his next pair!

It was a moving moment … it reminded me that Hans and I have wonderful brothers.