The Fastest Addendum

It was barely an hour ago that I posted my thoughts on Death. Minutes later, I realized that I was inspired, in part, by something I witnessed and wanted to include … and then, I got caught up in my drama and forgot all about it!

Right after my brekkie with Manda, she dropped me off at Fairview Mall so I could join Hans in a line-up in front of EB Games. It was the release of another pack of Pokémon cards and Hans desperately wanted a particular card. Before he left earlier in the day, he talked about how some families show up together and how each member could buy a pack and increase their odds of getting those elusive collector cards. So, I told him that I would meet up with him after my breakfast with my friend and we could at least double his chances.

When I messaged Hans to let him know I was on my way, he immediately was concerned that people might object to my joining him. They had all been waiting for an hour and a half or so, and the store was minutes from opening. I told him to not worry about that. How could anyone deny a mother from joining her son? So, I was able to just walk over to him and become a part of the line-up.

There were parents with strollers and there were people with chairs. The one person I did not notice right away and only saw as he got to the cashier was a man in an electric wheelchair. There was an oxygen tank at the back and other attachments. This man looked just as happy as everyone else did when he received his pack. It put a smile on my face.

Later, Hans and I had some time to talk as he finally got his breakfast from McD’s. I told him that when ASid and Hans were little, I would tell them to not get into situations based on dares. I would caution them that it is the worst when they can’t talk or walk or not be able to do something else because they decided to jump off a cliff on a dare. I might have even said that death was better than being in a wheelchair for the rest of their lives.

I told Hans that I would like to retract my statements from that time.

As a Special Education teacher, I have experienced all sorts of needs. I have seen parents be brave for their children; fight for their children and never lose hope for their children. I know a parent whose firstborn twins were both diagnosed with Autism, and she has become an inspiration for me. And all my experiences with special needs students helped me find a new perspective on life.

I was glad I was able to share that with Hans today. As a parent, I can only do what I can with what I have been given. And I have been given two beautiful boys. I want them to never ever stop living.

Preoccupation with Death

If we go with the certainty that we are all going to die; perhaps then, we will live well. So, I thought! However, recently, I have become terrified by the fact that we are all going to die!

Ever since I got Hans his car, I have these moments where I imagine my boy on the road with all the bad drivers. When he takes the car out, I wait until he gets back home … safely. I have blamed my recent late nights on the car. But I stayed up late even when Hans took the TTC to go downtown with his friends. That was when I imagined the boy surrounded by all the bad elements that supposedly exist on the streets of downtown Toronto.

Maybe I have become unreasonably preoccupied with situations where Hans’ life is in danger because the boy is going off to university in a few days!

Yesterday, Hans and I spoke about him going off to McMaster on the 29^th of August. Hans ended the conversation by saying something like “all that matters only if I don’t die before I get there”! It was like a slap in my face. Was my 18-year-old preoccupied with death as well or did he just say that fleetingly?! I did not want to have *that* conversation.

There are times I feel like I seriously need to see a therapist.

Luckily, I have wonderful friends. Today, I had breakfast at McDonald’s with Manda. She wondered if she should let her 17-year-old be in a car driven by his friend?! I shared with her that Hans asked me a similar question a few months ago. He wanted to know if I was okay with him being in a car with a friend who recently got his G2 license?! I told him that I should be okay since he would be getting that very same license soon, and I expect his friends to be okay to be in a car driven by him.

I hoped Manda would be okay too. And then I proceeded to tell her about my preoccupation with death.

I told her that the first night I slept in our new home, I felt a sense of relief. I knew that if I died, Hans would be with people who would love him just as dearly as I do. I did not realize that I had carried that fear of Hans discovering me dead and not having anyone with him in our former home. It had been just the 2 of us, and he was a child for most of that time.

Manda and I felt unburdened by sharing our fears. On most days, we are happy moms who have nothing but positive things to share about our boys and our lives. It was great that we took a moment to get those negative feelings out.

My day ended with ASid. He was in our new neighbourhood meeting someone and I decided to take a walk and spend some time with him. My firstborn has been preoccupied with finding a job in New York. In my mind, Toronto is just as fine as that other city and perhaps, in my infinite bias, *finer* than that other city! But can I stop ASid from moving to New York? No! Can I stop Death? No!

So, I must let go. Breathe. Release.

Another New Beginning

Hans and I, along with my parents and my nephew RoV, dropped off the keys/fobs/laundry card at the management office today. We moved into the building on November 1, 2022, under not so happy circumstances. It was a challenging time for Hans then! It took him a while to warm up to our apartment and consider it his home. In all honesty and fairness, it took me a while as well. And even towards the end, I continued to complain about the laundry situation.

Yet, I got emotional as I handed the stuff back to the same lady who welcomed me with a warm hug 3 years and 9 months ago. I realized that I was going to miss the home I built together with Hans. That was the place that made us who we are today - strong, independent and happy. I became a contract teacher while I was there, and I was also able to submit a resignation and pursue jobs closer to our new home. And Hans got through high school and got accepted at a university in a program of his choice. We did not simply survive … we lived!

As we start a new chapter in our lives, I just wanted to take a moment and bid a fond farewell to our home that was.

Pepper

My birthday is in 3 days (more on that in another post if I am inspired at some point) and I decided to get out, hop on a bus, and order food for dinner on the 13^th, from one of my favourite restaurants - Pepper - its real name.

Almost 2 years ago, when I started working at my former school, I realized soon enough that the bus ride home was tedious. So, apart from playing Candy Crush and writing *pointless* posts some days, I started making a list of all the restaurants I saw on my way home. I decided to get off the bus on Fridays at different restaurants and get some take-out and try different cuisines. Pepper was perhaps one of the first I tried. I found the food tasty and reasonably priced, and Hans did not complain. That was a bonus.

When I went back a second time, the man behind the counter remembered to double bag my order because he remembered that I take the bus and I had requested for it the last time I was there. I immediately complimented him on his customer service. We started talking and I found out that he was one of the three owners of Pepper. Since then, I also did dine-in with Lady A, Manda, Neil, IB and others, and got to know another one of the owners as well.

A couple of times I let the 2 owners know that I love their restaurant so much that I would be happy to invest in a 2^nd restaurant with them and the third owner (whom I saw briefly just once). Still, I believed in the three of them. Pepper became the restaurant that I got the most take-out from in the last 20-odd months.

Today, when I got there, the third and lesser-known owner greeted me. I asked him about the other 2 and he said they should be back in about 20 minutes and I could wait for them. I was okay to wait as I wanted to say a goodbye as I am in the process of moving both home and work to a neighbourhood that is nowhere near Pepper. As I waited, it felt like an opportunity to get to know the third owner better. I shared with him how Pepper opened on my 50^th birthday and how I ordered food for my 51^st birthday from Pepper and how I would like to commemorate their anniversary as I celebrate getting older each year!

As I chatted away, one of the other 2 owners came back. I reminded him about me wanting to invest in the next restaurant they open and expressed my sorrow about not being able to see them all as much as I did in the past. He asked me where I was moving and in the most wonderful coincidence, he shared that they are opening their 2^nd restaurant in the neighbourhood I was moving into! And it is scheduled to open on the 13^th.

I have said several times since January that 2026 is my year. And at no time did I believe that as much as I did when I heard about the next location of Pepper being within walking distance to my next home!

Another School-Year-End Reflection

At the beginning of the 2025-2026 school year, I spent some time ranting a bit about Michael. The last few weeks of school, he started a countdown to the Summer Break. That also served as my quiet countdown to the day I didn’t have to work with him! The week before the last week, I was ready to scream at him and ask him to get out of my classroom. It took a lot from me not do that. It had been such an ordeal to work with someone who did not do the job he signed up for!

However, Michael did so much outside of the classroom. He partnered with a teacher to raise funds for Terry Fox. He coached flag football. He ran the boys club. He signed up for Jays Care. He accompanied the grade 6s on their 3-day grad trip. He got several shout-outs in the staff weekly. For everyone outside of the classroom, this man was a hero!

As already mentioned here or maybe elsewhere, I felt like a single mom, at work as well, in my classroom. I was doing the job of Michael as well as mine, and there were days I felt like I did a terrible job. Looking back, I still feel like I could have done better if only I had some support from Michael. Of course, it is a moot point now.

So, it was rather strange the way it ended between Michael and me. On the last day of work, the ISP team, including Michael, gifted me chocolates, flowers and an artwork by the students from both the classrooms. I will forever cherish the art. The other 2 did not make any sense for me. Even as I am writing this, the 2-dozen light pink and dark pink roses are withering away, in a vase, on my dining table. Alright, I will take a break from that rant.

So, what was the strange ending? Usually, when the last bell of the school day rang, Michael would take off unless he had the boys club or Jays Care to run. That last day, he had none of those. He wanted to know if I needed a ride. Again, it made no sense as I was trying to clean up and pack up, and I still had stuff everywhere. So, I told him just that and went to the school office to return my keys and other things before the principal left for the day. By the time I got there, she had already left, and I took my time handing off the paperwork to the office administrator.

I was surprised to see Michael still in the classroom when I got back. He looked visibly emotional. He took off his glasses, and I could see tears in his eyes. He had something in his hand, and before he gave it to me, he told me that the previous 2 school years were hard on him and he almost gave up on his job. He proceeded to declare that this school year, he found joy in his job and loved coming to work. He ended by saying that I was the best teacher he worked with. I really wanted to let him know that was only because I did all his work for him, but I stayed quiet. And then, Micheal looked at the object he was holding in his hand, and read what was on it.

 

Sometimes you forget that you are AWESOME. So, this is your reminder.

Then he gave it to me, hugged me, and kissed me on my forehead, and cried some more. I was quite literally left speechless. I weirdly felt guilty for ranting about this man.

Should that one moment in time erase all the frustration and stress I felt for almost 10 months? I am conflicted!

Commencement and Reflections

I don’t see Craigley much anymore. I barely even communicate with him. However, we are bound to be together for certain milestone celebrations of the boys and today was one of those special days. We were together to attend Hans’ graduation ceremony.

When there are 2 tickets; by default, the 2 parents get to attend … for better or for worse!

Hans and I were ready for pickup by 8:30 am. The boy needed to be at the venue by 9, and parents could start lining up at 9:30 for entry and the ceremony was scheduled for 10. Instead of waiting around for 30 minutes, Craigley and I decided to grab coffee. We talked shop and were back at 9:30, and there were already a bunch of parents ahead of us.

That was when I noticed that most of them had tickets in their hands, and I did not have them!

I rarely forget anything. If it is an important event like a trip or something related to the boys, I am extra careful. But I forgot the tickets! We couldn’t go in without them. I totally expected Craigley to explode. So, I was like “you wait here and I will Uber home to get the tickets”. Craigley had just parked the car in a perfect parking spot, and I didn’t want to mess that up. But he turned out to be the voice of reason (for once) as he wondered if he should be waiting there for whatever amount of time while I wait for an Uber to get the tickets. So, he offered to drive. He literally drove like a maniac, and I promised to pay any speeding ticket if he got one.

All through the ride, I kept saying what an idiot I was and how stupid of me to forget what Hans said I needed to safeguard!

We managed to get back at exactly 10 am. Craigley dropped me off and went to find a parking spot. My wonderful mom-teacher friend saved 2 spots for us, and I got to see Hans walk in. Craigley was there about 5 minutes later, and I breathed a sigh of relief. There were so many awards. And finally, the graduates started crossing the podium, and there were 336 of them. Somewhere around 11:30 am, everything came to a stand still as one of the graduates had a seizure!

They called for a doctor, and we all waited anxiously.

While all this was going one, ASid sent a few messages to me. At 10:42, he wrote “I am going to be at the venue at noon”, and at 11:41, he wrote “I’m outside!” … so, I had to tell him that there was a medical emergency, and we were waiting to restart. Then, it hit me that a few people were moving around impatiently and there were a few empty seats as well. So, I got Craigley to go and get ASid.

I was so happy to see the older brother of Hans show up to simply be there to take some pictures and be part of his younger brother’s special day.

Soon after, the seizure situation was resolved, and we were back on track. By the time the ceremony wrapped up, it was way past 1:30 pm. If it were up to Hans and me, we would have lingered until we met our people. But because we felt a sense of obligation for Craigley driving us, we decided to leave without interacting with anyone. We were dropped off at home, and I had lunch with the boys. While we waited for our food, Hans got a bunch of “angry” messages from his friends wondering why he left without taking any group pics. I sent a bunch of notes apologizing to some of my mom friends whom I couldn’t meet. ASid revealed that he got into an argument with his dad.

We all reflected on our various relationships with Craigley. In a way, it was good he couldn’t join us for lunch. We spent our time without any constraints.

Parenthood

I have 9 days left with my babies at work, and I know I sound very unprofessional; but I can’t help it! I am so emotional these days as I am also watching Parenthood which has a character with Asperger’s (which is now part of the Spectrum).

It was at the end of Season 4, in Episode 15, that I realized how much Parenthood is like This Is Us, and how much I like this series as well. It has been said that every story has been told already. However, it is how a story is being told that makes it like we are hearing it for the first time. The biggest difference between my all-time favourite series and Parenthood is that there is a main character with special needs and it is portrayed with an authenticity that I see and experience in my classroom.

I always wonder what would happen to my work kids when they grow up. Would others be kind to them? So, when I watched Episode 18 of Season 5, The Offer, I cried. This was the episode in which Max, the character with Asperger’s, gets bullied on a school trip. Why do kids do that to other kids?

Last Friday, we had a school event, and my students participated in it. Barely a few minutes into it, MyLO had the biggest meltdown. She started crying loudly and she was inconsolable. The thing I try to avoid is my kids having such public displays where both students and teachers alike stop what they are doing and stare. So, I probably rushed MyLO a bit without listening to her, and she almost ended up biting me. Finally, when I got her into a quiet space, she said that she felt ‘pressured’. After a few minutes, she was ready to go back to our classroom.

This is the most I have spent with a set of students - almost 2 school years. So, perhaps, I am more attached to them. I don’t want to leave them; however, I am acutely aware that even if I stay, they will leave me one fine day. Just like I had to let ASid go, and just like I will let Hans go, I would have to let all my students go as well.

I just watched the last episode of Parenthood, and it had this message that life goes on. That’s the message I needed to hear now!