Parenthood

I have 9 days left with my babies at work, and I know I sound very unprofessional; but I can’t help it! I am so emotional these days as I am also watching Parenthood which has a character with Asperger’s (which is now part of the Spectrum).

It was at the end of Season 4, in Episode 15, that I realized how much Parenthood is like This Is Us, and how much I like this series as well. It has been said that every story has been told already. However, it is how a story is being told that makes it like we are hearing it for the first time. The biggest difference between my all-time favourite series and Parenthood is that there is a character with special needs and it is portrayed with an authenticity that I see and experience in my classroom.

I always wonder what would happen to my work kids when they grow up. Would others be kind to them? So, when I watched Episode 18 of Season 5, The Offer, I cried. This was the episode in which Max, the character with Asperger’s, gets bullied on a school trip. Why do kids do that to other kids?

Last Friday, we had a school event, and my students participated in it. Barely a few minutes into it, MyLO had the biggest meltdown. She started crying loudly and she was inconsolable. The thing I try to avoid is my kids having such public displays where both students and teachers alike stop what they are doing and stare. So, I probably rushed MyLO a bit without listening to her, and she almost ended up biting me. Finally, when I got her into a quiet space, she said that she felt ‘pressured’. After a few minutes, she was ready to go back to our classroom.

This is the most I have spent with a set of students - almost 2 school years. So, perhaps, I am more attached to them. I don’t want to leave them; however, I am acutely aware that even if I stay, they will leave me one fine day. Just like I had to let ASid go, and just like I will let Hans go, I would have to let all my students go as well.

I just watched the last episode of Parenthood, and it had this message that life goes on. That’s the message I needed to hear now!

Second Best - Revisited

When Hans was 6 years old, we had a mini talk about the best mom in the world. Today, MyLO said something that made me remember that moment from almost 12 years ago!

MyLO came back to school after being away for 2 days. It was more like 5 days as Friday was a PA Day followed by the weekend. I made a few changes to the classroom over those days she was away, and I was worried as she doesn’t take well to changes. So, to distract her and pacify her, I went to work prepared with her favourite Blue Takis. (I have permission from MyLO’s mother to buy snacks for her.)

As she was eating her snacks, she started rambling on about best moms. I hope I captured what she said as accurately as possible …

 

All kids think their moms are the best moms. We must take all the moms and throw them in the Coliseum and then, we can find out who is the best mom.

I was like “you want to throw your mom in the Coliseum?” and she was like “and you too!” and I was like “I don’t want to be the best mom; I am okay to be the second best mom” and she was like “I want you to fight my mom”!

It was one of the most interesting conversations I ever had with the kiddo, and I felt the need to write about it.

How do these kids think the way they think?

A Side Story: Part4/Update

Last Friday, May 29^th, I was at my future school to meet my future CYW and some of my future students. Since I was in Neil’s neighbourhood, I wondered if he was available for an early dinner; however, he had an after-school event and he was only available for a late dinner.

At dinner, I let Neil know that I had a sore throat and so, he would have to do all the talking. I wanted an update on everything. Neil had recently moved into a condo, and he said he finally feels like he is home again. Then, he said he was also happy in his current relationship. I did not know that the woman Neil was dating the last time I saw him was different from the woman he was seeing currently. I was a little thrown off. That was barely 2 months ago!

Neil wondered if I had ever dated online?! And this was exactly my response:

Never … No … Not yet!

Even as those words were coming out of my mouth, my mind was working overtime. As soon as I said the word “never”, I felt like it sounded judgemental … like I was proud of it. Then, I immediately said “no” because that’s the truth. But I added “not yet” to share that perhaps I wasn’t ready for it now.

Then, I asked Neil to tell me about online dating. After listening to him talk about it, I realized that it requires a lot of courage to put yourself out there. I guess it is harder when one is older. We are painfully aware of our deficiencies. So, why would one go through such an ordeal? Because we don’t want to be lonely.

Well, it sounded like the third time was a charm for Neil. I was happy for my friend. I was glad I reached out to him and got such a positive update. I informed him that the visit to my future school was wonderful, and that I would be in a better place in September. I told him that 2026 is my year. And I joked that it was probably his year too!

While I was looking for my next job, Neil was looking for his next mate. And we both found what we were looking for. That was one of the best updates I had ever exchanged with anyone.

Who really is Canadian?

After almost 14 years, I have been forced to revisit the whole Canadian bit! What the heck, right?

Today, I was in the elevator with a “privileged” ***** man. For the first time, I want to bring in race; but I am going to exercise some restraint. This man had a t-shirt with “Rat Pack” on it and I complimented him on it. He said thanks and shared that he and his friends came up with that for their group. So, I smiled and shared that my brother’s group of friends are called “Chooch Brigade”. He thought that was clever and wanted to know where I was from. So, I told him and added that I have been here since 1992, and I don’t feel like I am from another country.

So, this man asked me if I thought I was Canadian?! I nodded in agreement and he shook his head. So, I told him that no matter what I think, perception is everything, and that’s sad!

Then, I got out of the elevator and walked to my apartment seriously upset. For the first time, I wanted to do a MyLO - kick and punch and throw things around and make as big of a fuss as possible! Then, I realized how far the child has come.

Today, she put all her frustration into art on paper!

After lunch recess, she refused to come back to the classroom. Michael has been away for 3 days, and we had an SNA working in our classroom. She told MyLO that if she doesn't come back, she would have to take away her art supplies for a few minutes. MyLO walked in quietly and then, she drew something on paper. When you look at the drawing, it's MyLO and me, with happy faces, and when you open the fold at the bottom, it is the skull of the SNA buried in the ground.

It is still violent in some ways, but MyLO is finding ways to express her frustration and continue to communicate with us in less physical ways. The SNA has a great sense of humour, and she told MyLO that she understood why the kiddo buried her!

So, I told myself that this man and his friends did not even have the imagination of an 8-year-old child. How original is “Rat Pack” anyways?! When I complimented him, he could have at least acknowledged the origin of that term instead of claiming it as something he and his friends came up with!

Once I buried him in my own way, I decided to write about it.

Addendum:

The next day, Thursday, May 28th, MyLO came to school with an apology note for the SNA. I want to acknowledge that!

Do You Tell a Parent That Their Child Is Heterosexual?

On May 5^th, MyLO did something interesting and unexpected.

She waited with a "bouquet of roses" (that she made from some red and green linking cubes) for one of her classmates. She said that she is not in love with this girl or anything, MyLO just wanted to ask her to be her best friend. She practised the vocal part of "the proposal" several times. Then she waited in the hallway, practising a little more. She also decided she needed to go down on one knee. As soon as her classmate showed up from her French class, MyLO asked her to be her best friend. The girl accepted and MyLO hugged her.

Later, she wondered if the other kids (who came back from French as well and passed by) thought she was gay?! I told her that she was very brave and it doesn't matter what others think.

Yesterday, May 21^st, MyLO drew a picture on the digital whiteboard and named it “Wonky”. I printed it out for her.

Today, May 22^nd, she told me that Wonky is gay and if that’s okay?! So, I told her that it is alright for Wonky to be gay. Then, MyLO said, “I think I am gay” and I told her that’s alright too.

I did not know what to do with this information. The child is 8 years old. Initially, I wanted to talk to my principal about it. As I walked towards the office, I ran into my teacher-mentor-friend-therapist (TMFT) and decided to talk to her instead. After she heard everything, she asked me if I would tell a parent about their child being heterosexual?! If I wouldn’t, then why would I want to tell them about their child being gay?!

I believe that is a reasonable question to ask. So, I told my TMFT that I would wait to hear more from MyLO about being gay and let her decide if she wants to let her parents know. 

Maybe they already know!

Seeking Custody vs Kidnapping

Hans was in Burlington, with his dad, for a weekend tournament. One of the things he mentioned, before he left, was a little ridiculous … considering he is almost 18!

Hans’ somewhat exact words: “What if I get kidnapped?”

Me: “That would have happened years ago. Your dad didn’t fight for joint custody. So, what is the point of kidnapping you now?”

Hans: “So you are saying my dad doesn’t love me?”

Me: “No. I am not saying that! Your dad loves you, but he doesn’t want the responsibility.”

Hans: “What do you mean?”

Me: “He is happy to do the fun stuff with you, but not the daily stuff. That’s a responsibility.”

Hans: “Okay.”

The boy says okay a lot. Is that good?

I have known/know parents with joint custody of their kids, and my personal and perhaps limited understanding/conclusion has been/is that parents fight for their kids because they love them or because they hate the other parent. However, those are just 2 extreme reasons, and there are several in between that I know nothing about!

And I am also realizing that I have no idea what my child has been through. Hans never shares anything that he considers can cause pain to others and he never wants to be a disappointment. I get the good stuff from him and not the bad or ugly stuff! I hope he knows he is loved. 

I would have fought for him if I had to, but his dad gave him to me without protesting. If I had to, I would have kidnapped him as well. I hope he knows that.

Talking of pain ...

I am mostly a hopeful person. I tend to focus on the positive almost 100% of the time. I also don’t complain much. Lately, when I am annoyed with stuff, I am letting that be known. This is new for me.

Last Wednesday, May 13^th, I wanted to treat all my co-workers to some coffee from Tim’s. In my quest for inclusivity, I found out that some peeps like steeped tea. So, I order both now. And I wanted this order delivered before everyone arrived. I had it timed perfectly and threw in some cookies and doughnuts. Guess what? Everything arrived except the coffee. The Uber driver was apologetic and said that he brought everything that he was given. We both called the store, and they were sure they did not miss a thing!

I was on speaker on the Uber driver’s phone and we had the receipt in front of us. We could clearly see the item, and we spoke with 2 or 3 people who all asked us for the same info and denied the existence of any coffee on our order. Finally, I asked for the manager. At this point in time, some of my co-workers started gathering around in the work room and clearly listening to the phone conversation. All of it got too much for me and I wanted it to end. I didn’t care for the missing coffee and felt bad for the delivery guy whose phone we had been using.

I said something like “I am usually a calm person, but this is making me angry. I don’t want the coffee. I just want to get off the phone and maybe order the coffee from elsewhere!” and I told the Uber guy to turn off his phone and be gone as he had a life to get back to, and I apologized for taking up his time. One of my co-workers also asked us to hang up as she decided she was going to use her period 1 prep to go to this Tim’s store and give a piece of her mind to them. So, I thanked the Uber guy and my fellow teacher and proceeded to go back to my classroom.

Barely 2 minutes later, the teacher came back to say her prep was lost, and then, I saw a call coming through. I answered and it was the Tim’s store calling to apologize and find out if someone could come and grab the coffee. They said they would throw in 6 doughnuts. I felt terrible because within the 2 minutes I had rated the order and for the first time ever in my entire life, I gave a 1-star rating. I was so mad. And this call made me want to take it back. As I was about to decline their offer, another co-worker showed up to go get the coffee and doughnuts.

I felt so fortunate to be surrounded by people who were willing to run around for me. I thanked the person on the phone, and I thanked my lovely colleague. It was almost time for my students to arrive, and I decided to get ready for them by calming down and focusing on the positive. I couldn’t change that unfortunate rating, and I shouldn’t feel guilty forever. Even as I was consoling myself, the office admin paged me to say that I had a phone call that I needed to take.

I wondered if it was a parent and why they were calling so early in the school day. Their kids were not even at school! It was the Uber guy. He didn’t know my personal number, but he was recently at my school and so called that number. He was calling to check up on me. He wanted to know if he should go to that Tim’s store and follow up for me.

What?! I couldn’t believe it. I thanked the gentleman and told him that someone was already taking care of it for me, and I appreciated his kindness. A few minutes later, the coffee and the half dozen doughnuts arrived, and all was well.

Yesterday, the teacher who couldn’t go since she lost her prep caught up with me. She said she had never seen me angry, but I had used that word, and she wanted to see what that looked like on me, and she was amused. She said that that wasn’t even her definition of anger, but it made her angry and she had really wanted to go and raise some hell. She was glad that someone went on my behalf, and it all worked out!

Each morning, I wake up with pain in my hands and feet. I can barely walk and barely get through the morning rituals. But I look forward to going to work and doing my thing. And I am glad I don’t let the pain stop me from doing what I love.