Mental Conditions

Yesterday, Friday, I spent some time with ASid and Amie (yes, I am calling his girlfriend that!). While chatting with them, I casually shared a proverb I learnt from my Mother. It roughly translates to “each of us has a mental condition that makes us happy”.

The proverb came up when I asked Amie about her parents and how they feel about ASid and her moving into a place of their own. She said that she has invited them over several times since October and they haven’t dropped by yet. She also said that her parents don’t want to intrude on her “roommate”! So, I told her that that is the “mental condition” that keeps them happy … not acknowledging the reality of their daughter’s live-in situation.

I guess we can call it a coping mechanism. Some could use some “-ist” words. ASid is biracial and Amie is close to one of the races he represents, but not exactly. Some parents still want their children to be with people who share their own cultural, racial and/or religious backgrounds. There is nothing wrong with that if they support their children’s choices.

Yesterday, I also had an intense phone call with a parent. Michael was on that call with me. For the first time ever, the two of us were in consensus about something … that this parent is completely unreasonable. She continues to be upset about my refusal for the extra CYW from October. Initially, she suggested that her child needed one-on-one support to manage her behaviour. Now, she believes that her child needs academic support as she has fallen behind. Her child was placed with me last school year as she wreaked havoc in her “regular” classroom, and it was suggested that she would thrive in an Intensive Support Program (ISP). This child, whom I call my littlest one, was a force to reckon with. Almost all our efforts went into managing behaviour. She has come a long way since then.

What the parent didn’t seem to understand was that her child came to us with huge deficits in her learning, and that can’t be fixed with extra support for just 6-8 weeks. If it is up to the parent, she would have her child on one-on-one support for the rest of her life!

As a parent myself, I understand some of these mental conditions. Most parents are the best advocates for their children. They also want to protect their children from all the evil in the world. But it helps to see the progress that is being made and acknowledge the efforts of others that make a difference in their children’s lives.

Kids at Work

This post is totally dedicated to my work kids. Again, at the risk of sounding super unprofessional, I adore them so much.

Today, I decided to wear a dress to work. I don’t do that usually and so it got noticed.

My littlest one always arrives before everyone. After she settles in, she walks up to me and says, “You look pretty.” And I respond with, “Who took my student and replaced her with an alien? She is not this nice to me!” And she immediately says, “It is me. You look pretty … ugly.” And then, she smiles and I was like “Glad you are still here kiddo!”.

Then, the next kid arrives. This little guy has echolalia and mostly repeats what people say to him. If he says anything, it is related to wanting something. So, it is kind of cool when he says something spontaneously without prompting. He settles in and then, he also walks up to me, and he says, “I like it.” And that was it. He walks away.

My oldest arrives as I was sharing the “pretty ugly” anecdote with the staff next door. She immediately rushes to my rescue and says that “Ms Momley Teacher is pretty” and she repeats it a few times until I acknowledge her.

I have 2 others - a girl with echolalia and a boy who didn’t speak until I got him. The girl has also started speaking sentences spontaneously and before the winter break, she told me quietly, “Ms Momley Teacher, I love you.” And her mother was happy to hear that. The boy who didn’t speak, can’t stop speaking now.

Their parents are pleasantly surprised some days, and I am fiercely proud of all my work kids’ achievements each day.

One of the “other” students once asked me, as he pointed to one of my 2 boys, “what is wrong with him?”. I wanted to ask this student, “what is wrong with you?”. But then I realized he is also just a kid. So, I simply said, “nothing”.

Snow Days and Staying In

 A snow day is probably not unusual in Toronto, but 2 within a matter of 12 days is unbelievable indeed. Today, January 26^th, is the second snow day. The first one was on January 15^th.

What I enjoyed about these snow days is that I got to spend time with Hans. We live in the same abode but barely see each other. On the 15^th, we got to collaborate on a “sub app”, as part of the application process to universities, and it was a lot of fun. That day was the first of a few deadlines. It was for IVEY. One of their requirements was two 500-word essays.

Hans wondered if I could edit his 2 essays. This was only the second time, as a high school student, that Hans has asked me for academic support. I felt useful and glad that I was available. I was also relieved that he didn’t use my status as a single mom! Hans’ first essay was about the martial arts program he is enrolled in. He started the essay by talking about the reasons that steered him in that direction. He listed 3 - COVID, since that led to virtual school and isolation in March 2020; the passing away of his paternal grandfather in December 2021; and the death of his paternal grandmother in June 2022. It was a well written essay, and it was over the word limit! My job was to bring its content just under the limit without taking away the essence of its intent.

(The essay got me thinking of all the other terrible things that happened in Hans’ life - his parents separating, the loss of the only family home he had known, and the sense of abandonment he felt when his dad left him. The boy did not use any of those sob stories.)

The first time Hans and I cried in unison was at a grocery store, right after we settled in ASid at his residence on campus in August 2019 and said goodbye to him. As we got out of the car and walked into the grocery store, it hit us both, at the same time, that our life would be different without ASid. In a very public display of emotion, we hugged each other and let the tears roll down our cheeks. Hans was 11 years old then. After that, I have only seen Hans cry twice.

When he heard the news of his paternal grandfather’s death, his grief was unbearable to him and bewildering to me. Hans’ dad decided to break off all ties with his parents when Hans was 2 years old. The boy never had a relationship with his grandparents and yet, he was distraught. He shared that he had been waiting for the time when he would be independent enough to renew those severed relationships, and he realized that he wasn’t going to have that opportunity. Then, I understood the great loss he felt. At the funeral service, he finally met his paternal grandmother who couldn’t recognize her own child, Hans’ dad, as she was suffering from dementia. That was the end of Hans’ surviving bit of hope.

The most recent and last time Hans cried was when we came to check out the apartment buildings we currently reside in. I guess he knew for certain that his life was about to change in a way he didn’t want it to. We were in my parents’ car. Hans was 14 years old then. I was glad that he felt safe enough to be vulnerable with his mother and her parents.

Yesterday, he remarked that this year he will be 18, and then, he can longer make wish lists for his birthdays and Christmas. So, I told him that as long as his parents are alive, he will always be a child in a way. Hans quickly responded with “Mom, promise me that you are never going to die.”, and I told him that I would try. And we spent some time watching Ninjago … his favourite series that he discovered when he was just 3 years old!

Since we knew today was going to be a snow day, we rejoiced and cashed in our extra free time a little early. I am thankful for the unexpected breaks that are bestowed on us. I am so going to miss my time with Hans when he is off to live his life on a campus that is lucky to have him!

Meanwhile, on whatever planet Hans is on …

Stuff is still happening!

2 nights ago, I woke up twice to sounds in the kitchen. The following morning, I walked into the kitchen and saw the sink just as I had left it before I went to sleep - pristine! I checked the dishwasher and there was nothing “new” in there!

Did I dream it all?

When I got back from work yesterday, I was looking for leftovers for dinner. Then, I saw a couple of empty containers. Still, I didn’t put two and two together. When Hans got home, I asked him why he would put back empty containers in the fridge.

“Mom, the sink was so clean. I didn’t want to fill it with dirty dishes.”

This morning, I found the empty milk carton in the fridge.

This morning, TDSB also declared a Snow Day. Hans was praying for it. He had 2 tests today, and a university application deadline. His wish came true.

Usually, I leave home by 7 am and Hans’ alarm is set for 7:30 am. So, I waited outside his room for the alarm to go off; knocked on his door to tell him to go back to sleep. As I opened the door, Hans received the news with a happy “seriously?”. Then, he gets out of bed to walk up to a bookshelf and turn the alarm off on the clock that was perched up there. After that, he walks back to his bed to turn the alarm off on his phone and goes back to bed.

Ah! That’s how he manages to wake up!

Hans continues to make me smile. I am very happy to be on whatever planet he is on … with dirty dishes and all!

Irreplaceable

For those who care to know, I wasn't at work yesterday. I was at a learning session for the entire day. At around lunch time, the other ISP teacher sent me a cheerful note.

 

Your kids had a wonderful morning with Ms SupplyTeacher! Hope you are enjoying your workshop!

I was happy to receive the note, but it also made me sad. I was like "life goes on ... with or without me"! Did I want to hear that it was utter chaos without me?! I don't know. I felt like I am so replaceable!

This morning, I woke up to messages from ASid's best friend who goes to school in Ottawa. This is what he sent.

 

Hi, I don't mean to overstep or anything but I think Hans might be going through something and I wanted to give you a heads up just in case he hasn't reached out to you yet. Not sure if it's my place or not but I think someone at his school passed away so I wanted to warn you just in case. Not sure how close Hans and them were but wanted to let you know.

Then, I also read a message from ASid where he said that it was a suicide.

I tried to remember my conversation with Hans yesterday … It was about his haircut that he described as an assault on his person, and I told him that hair grows back. I also told him to eat better, and then, I let him be.

I almost always leave for work before he wakes up. So, I decided to talk about the "incident" from his school later today. On my way to work I thought of the parents of the child who was gone. It made me very sad. When I got to work, I needed to talk with someone. There is this teacher who is always there bright and early, and she has become my unofficial mentor and a real friend. Often, I decompress with her. So, I walked into her classroom.

I started off by saying how I felt like I was so easily replaceable. And she knew exactly what to say to me. She said that I am perhaps physically replaceable; however, no one can replace my essence. Long after students move on, I will continue to be in their memories.

Then, I told her about this child passing away, and the tears started rolling down my cheeks. I just reached out for a hug and thanked her for being there for me. It is so liberating to be able to walk into another teacher’s classroom and treat it like a therapist’s office. I suddenly felt thankful for my life!

It took a while getting back home, and I was glad to know that Hans was just sick and a little distraught. He had known the other child for about 6 years … not a friend, but it was still a shock. All I could tell him was that we are lucky to have the people we have in our lives, and hopefully we will never think of ending what we have.

I probably should have told him that we are irreplaceable.

An Unexpected Surprise

Last summer, when I was in Ottawa for about 24 hours, I spoke like 2400 things with KPF. One of them was about the little kiddo at my work that I also wrote about here. KPF, being the most positive person I know, kept insisting that this kid likes me. I was still sceptical. School resumed in September and she just got meaner. She even punched me as captured in another post. So, I couldn’t imagine this child liking me at all.

Today, I let my students know that I would be away tomorrow. This is the first day I am taking off from work. One of the students said she would miss me. This is my oldest who turned 9 last month. Then, my littlest piped in. She is 8, as of last month, and her meanness now has a sense of maturity about it! In that recently acquired tone, she wanted to know if I was “leaving” them?! I was like “I am just taking a day off and I will be back on Thursday”. Then, she asked for some paper. She was busy for the next few minutes. She only took a little break to ask me how to draw fingers. I told her to trace her fingers and fill the details in. She didn’t even say thanks and got back to whatever she was doing.

Few more minutes later, she walked up to me and handed me a card she made. It had the most beautiful colours on the outside with a nice border, and there was also some writing in the middle (and this kid hates to write). She was very excited for me to open the card. So, I did and saw the drawing of a finger. She smiled and shared that it was her middle finger!

That was the moment I knew that this child likes me. She really likes me.

Addendum:

I shared pics of the card with KPF. This is what my friend had to say: “It looks more like her first finger! i.e. you are #1!!!”

I guess a lone finger is open to interpretation, and KPF saw it from his usual positive perspective.

What We Remember

January 1, 2026, has been a great first day so far. I spent the morning with my friend Manda, and I spent the evening with my friend Kay’s family and Hans and ASid and his girlfriend. (I don’t have a pseudonym for the young lady yet, but I am leaning towards “Amie”.)

Over dinner, ASid and I became storytellers and entertained everyone. It was one of those rare gatherings where everyone present stayed together for the entire time. Usually, Hans and Kay’s son just surface from the basement for grub and then, quickly disappear! That day, they remained to listen to the stories. One of the stories was about ASid’s trip to Paris when he was 13 years old. He reminisced about being there with his first real crush. Apparently, he had wanted to confess his feelings to her at the top of the Eiffel Tower, and unfortunately, he couldn’t muster the courage to do so. About 7-8 years later, he found out that he was also her first crush, and they had a good laugh about it!

It was interesting what I remembered from that trip and what he did!

I am glad for the opportunity to go back in time and add another perspective to a moment. I am also glad that ASid had more on his mind, on that trip, than what I was worrying about.