My Favourite Single Mom

Alright, I still have a little rant left in me! I just had a phone conversation with my friend Manda, and I had to remind her that she is an exceptional single mom!

Manda has 2 boys like me. They are 16 and 14. The younger one is dating. Today was his 4th date with the same girl and apparently, he was told by the girl’s friends that she was expecting a kiss. When he shared that with his mother Manda, she started overthinking it. She felt that if the boys’ dad has been around, they would know how to be affectionate with a girl!

That got me sad initially and then it got me mad!

Boys don’t need their dads to be around if they are not going to be decent dads. Manda walked out of her home, with the boys, in March/April of 2020. It has been almost 6 years, and their dad hasn’t tried to see them. Yet they are in a custody battle for the boys. It makes no sense then that Manda would say something like having their dad in their lives would make them somehow “better boys”!

That’s why we have movies. Watch ‘Roman Holiday’ and see Gregory Peck be a gentleman - watch him love a woman and let her go. Loving a woman is about letting her *be*.

Alright, I am digressing a little bit. The boy is only 14, and he will kiss the girl when he is ready. The absence of his father is not the reason. I had to remind Manda that the boys have her father! Manda’s dad took care of his mother until she passed away a few years ago; he adores his wife, and he helps Manda with the boys. If the boys need a role model, their maternal grandfather is 2 doors away!

I also needed to remind Manda that she worked 3 jobs so she could give the boys wonderful summer breaks. I have often called her “the mother of all mothers”. I have never seen a mother be so involved in her children’s lives. I told her that I had to be a stay-at-home mother to give that kind of time and attention to my children. Work would have taken me away from them. I can only do one thing well at a time. But I admire the mothers who work and take care of their kids and do it all on their own. These are exceptional women. They need to know that. 

Now, I can truly spring forward.

Single Moms

I have had a rough 2 weeks, and I haven’t ranted in a while. And as we get ready to spring forward, I feel like I need to purge and start anew.

So, I handed in my resignation letter for my current job. It was that or put up with incompetence for another school year! It was hard as I do not like to leave a job unfinished. Also, it *is* hard to leave my work kids; however, one day, we have to part ways anyway!

Although that was rough, the toughest part was helping my new student transition. And to make it more challenging, it was hypothesized that this student, the child of a single mom, who is a boy, would benefit from a male role model. This got Michael all excited. This was his glorious moment to be a saviour of sorts. He decided to stick to this child like his life depended on it. I let him test the hypothesis. Then, on the 7th day, this child decided to kick and punch Michael a couple of times.

As a classroom teacher, I let Michael lead and I realized that he had no plan. He was smothering the child and getting frustrated with the child and there was no progress being made. So, I suggested that he step back a bit and give the child some space. I also decided to step in and give Michael a break. At the end of the 8th day, I also realized that Michael needed some constructive feedback.

On the 9th day morning, as I proceeded to provide Michael with some suggestions, he got defensive and then, offensive. He used a term like “microaggression”, and he declared that my words and actions gave him that feeling! What the heck?! He used the term totally inappropriately. Fortunately, our POR walked in and almost left as she could sense the tension. I drew her in and asked her for some suggestions to help our new student. While she listed some, I hope Michael realized he did none of that. He simply fulfilled the role of a bodyguard (an inept one at that as the boy ran away a few times) and nothing more!

There were no incidents on the last 2 days with the child. He did not hit or kick or punch anyone. I called his mother to let her know that her child ended the week on a wonderful note. She was relieved to hear that, and I wished her a happy weekend.

All of this got me thinking and it annoyed me that the school team thought the females in the boy’s life weren’t enough. It was a disservice to all single moms. It was disrespectful to this single mom who has 3 children and is doing her best. They kept insinuating that the boy was acting up at school because things were perhaps not so good at home. No wonder the mom wanted to pull her child out. And it annoyed me when in a meeting, the mom accepted what everyone told her … that her boy needed a man to be a better boy.

I want to say so much; however, all I will say is that some single moms have raised some beautiful boys. Please don’t take that away from them!

Kicking and Screaming

I did not hear about ‘If I Had Legs, I’d Kick You’ until Rose Byrne won a Golden Globe for her role. Since then, I had wanted to watch the movie and I finally did today. It was available for free on Prime.

The movie was so real to me. I work with children with special needs. I communicate with parents of children with special needs. Their lives are exceptionally challenging and they are incredibly inspiring. I wonder how they do it. That’s why I love my job. Each day, I realize how fortunate I am to have the life I have. And yet, at the beginning of last week, I did not feel so fortunate.

On Monday, a student was moved from his classroom, the other ISP classroom, to my classroom. Obviously, he was not quite ready to move out of a classroom that was his for 2 and a half academic years. It was an unexpected reorg, for both staff and students alike, with just a week and 4 months left in the school year. But parents are powerful and when they advocate for their children, the powers that be bend over backwards to accommodate the parents. This parent that I mentioned a couple of posts ago is beyond upset.

Friday, I received a response to my daily email from this “new” parent. She said thanks and shared that she had felt like she was doing something wrong at home for her child to be behaving badly at school. As things escalated, she felt the need to pull her child out of school. She felt helpless.

After I watched the movie, I had a better sense of this parent’s life. The movie entirely focussed on the daily life of a mother with a child with special needs. Prior to watching the movie, I could only imagine and sympathize. Now, I got to *see* it. And in the movie, the mother is quite privileged, and yet she is drowning. In real life, some parents are underprivileged and labour with no proper supports in place.

The teacher in the other ISP classroom has a child with special needs. So, 24/7, she is surrounded by children with special needs. In some ways, it makes her empathetic to the parents’ plight. In other ways, it also makes her less sympathetic. And this is just my opinion. I feel like there is this feeling that if I can, why can’t you? However, privilege plays a pivotal role. If parents are informed and have access to services and supports, their children tend to do better in the system. When parents are overwhelmed with their personal situations, and are unaware of options, their children struggle, and in turn, they struggle.

Tomorrow, I am in a meeting with this parent, the former teacher, admin and other personnel. The teacher feels like I will be perceived as the good teacher. Although I have already confessed to my hubris, I don’t believe that. I am just an option. And if I don’t make any difference whatsoever, the parent will seek out other options. 

Meanwhile, I am happy that she is kicking and screaming to have doors open for her child and have her voice heard. I want a win for this mother.

Charitable Deeds

My brother calls me "big sis Momley" and the way he says that in the language we share/speak sounds like the word "charity" in another language. It was cool when one of his friends pointed that out many moons ago.

Yesterday, I remembered that and shared it with my friend Manda.

Manda has been going through a terrible time in her life. I saw a missed call from her and a note that asked if I wanted coffee. Before I could respond, she called a second time and when I answered, she asked me the same question. I was like I am not sure. Then, she said that she was on her way and we were going out for coffee and fries, my favourite combo! I put the phone down and got ready for pick-up right away.

Manda was already in the driveway and waiting when I got out of my building. She said that for all the times I had been a good friend, she wanted to do something charitable for me, so she can have something good happen to her the next day. Manda was going to find out if it was the end of her terrible time the next day. To seal the deal, she remembered something from a holy book. And that was her plan!

As my handful of on-and-off readers know, I do not reveal any cultural, ethnic, racial or religious backgrounds of anyone I write about here. So, I am not going to do it now. All I will disclose is that Manda and I are alike as in we are born into our parents' respective religions, but we are not bound by them. However, both of us believe in the power of good deeds and prayers of our elders.

So, it was not entirely a surprise to me that she decided to treat me, whether I wanted it or not, and I was happy to indulge her. I chose to have a hot fudge sundae at MC D's and was shocked that Manda had never had one! So, we got 2 spoons and it was like we were in the movies - 2 girlfriends and a container of ice cream - a trope for eating woes away!

Anyways, Manda felt like that was too little charity and needed to do more. I let her buy a small burrito at Fat B for Hans as they sell them for $6.99 on Wednesdays. The boy already ate his dinner and that was his lunch for the next day. Manda wasn't convinced she did enough, and so we went to Longo's to buy more stuff.

When Manda came to pick me up, she looked tired and I could sense the stress she was feeling. When she dropped me off, she was smiling. Recently, I have gotten into the habit of letting my friends know that I love them. So, that’s what I told Manda and wished her all the best.

I am not sure how today was for Manda. Even if the outcome was an unhappy one, I know she will be okay.

Some other kid’s Mother

Last Friday, I wrote these famous last words, in a text message, to IB: “I guess I have the rare 100% approval rating … for now.”

I am glad I was realistic and humble even when I was floating on a cloud. I know I only have 5 students, but I also have parents who are very particular and who expect the best for their children. So, it felt good when all 5 of the parent-teacher meetings were positive, especially MyLO’s!

Yesterday, I was informed that a student is being moved from the other ISP classroom to mine! The other teacher took it personally for a couple of hours. The single mother of this child is very unhappy and wished for another placement. After much discussion and consideration, the powers that be decided to move this child to my classroom. Why me? That’s the 1^st question that always pops up in my head in challenging situations like these. Then, I come up with all the reasons why it is me and I convince myself that perhaps I am meant to help whoever it is that needs my help at that point in time. Sometimes the hubris is such that I believe I am the only one who can help!

Last night, I didn’t sleep so well. This morning, I was at work and moved around stuff in my classroom to make room for this child. My biggest concern is obviously MyLO - she is weary of the students from the other classroom. However, this move may not sit well with the other student as well. And I have a meeting with the mother tomorrow!

My life is like a suspense thriller, and this is just my professional life I am talking about!

MyLO's Mother

I have written so much about my littlest one that I am giving her a name. She will now be known as MyLO.

Friday, when I went back to work and shared that I was there late the night before and that I got a ride home from MyLO’s mother, I had different reactions. I will share 3 of them here:

My POR: “Why would you spend over an hour with this parent? What were you thinking?”

My teacher-therapist friend: “So now she knows where you live?”

My principal: “I checked before I left. I saw you talking with her and I was like ‘she got this’, and I went home.”

As already mentioned, I was okay with how it all worked out. So, I was glad to hear that my principal had that kind of confidence in me. And I don’t believe I am in any danger just because a parent knows where I live. In fact, when MyLO found out I live in an apartment building, she felt bad for me and declared that she would buy me the biggest house one day.

I shared with MyLO’s mother that her daughter frequently says “I hate you” to me. (I did not share that my own children have never said that to me!) The mother confided that she is also at the receiving end of “I hate you”, and she made it sound like we are in an exclusive club for 2. I bought that!

Some parents of children with special needs can come across as annoying sometimes because they are so demanding. However, they are simply advocating for their children and if you genuinely care for their children, and work with them as partners in their children’s learning, they are willing to give you, their time. It was just not me that stayed late that night, MyLO’s mother did too!

In a wonderful coincidence, I just watched a 41-year-old mother of 2 kids with special needs, Elana Meyers Taylor, win Women’s Monobob gold. This is her 5^th Olympics and 1^st GOLD. This woman is an inspiration. I feel like I can never ever complain about my life!

The things I remember on some days!

The actor who played the titular character on Dawson’s Creek passed away recently. It made me very sad as I remembered how Smoggie and I loved that show. The show started airing in 1998 and that was the same year, Smoggie and I met and became friends. It was cool when we found out that we both watched and loved Dawson’s Creek. This recent news made me go back in time and revisit some of my moments with Smoggie.

From all the moments I remember, I am choosing to write about one of the two fights Smoggie and I ever had. Sometimes, such moments define or destroy relationships.

Smoggie is cordial with most people and cares about very few people. He is very particular. However, I have rarely seen him not like people, but there was one such person whom he didn’t give a fig about! Unfortunately, we all worked together, and we had to share a room. Since we were all technical trainers/facilitators at an IT school, we had devices on our desks and that meant we could discreetly communicate through network messages. One fine day in 1999, Smoggie sent a message stating that he was planning for us to go watch A Midsummer Night's Dream starring Calista Flockhart on a Friday. That was a perfect plan as Smoggie knew how much I enjoyed Shakespeare and how much I adored Ally McBeal - it was 2 of my favourite things coming together! I couldn’t contain my delight and turned from the computer screen to look in Smoggie’s direction and declare that I was happy to watch the movie that Friday and that I was very excited about it. As soon as those words escaped my lips, this other guy turned around in his chair and asked if he could join us?!

My eyes darted from Smoggie’s face to this guy’s face not knowing what to say! Smoggie’s face was sternly requesting me to say NO and this guy’s was begging me to say YES. Since I have always struggled to say no, I ended up asking the guy to join us. That was it. I immediately received a message from my friend telling me to forget about him if this guy comes along. I was like “come on!”. I couldn’t possibly uninvite the guy. Long story short, I ended up going to the movie with this guy, and Smoggie decided to take a break from me!

We didn’t speak to each other for a couple of days. It was the worst time. (We were both 24-25 at that time, but we could have been 4 or 5!) Then, one fine day, I found my desk converted into a shrine for Ricky Martin. That was it. I walked over to Smoggie’s desk and let him know how sorry I was and how miserable I was. And all was forgiven. We never wanted to go through such hellish time again.

Why would I write about a fight on Valentine’s Day? Because it doesn’t feel that bad anymore. It was a tiny moment in time that Smoggie and I were able to put behind us as our friendship meant more than the feelings of betrayal and disappointment we experienced for a bit. I am glad we saved *us*.

James Van Der Beek’s death reminded me, once again, that life is short. I must take the time to appreciate the people in my life. Smoggie is quintessential to my existence. He has been at the receiving end of all my dramatic outbursts. Smoggie has a landline and I’d like to believe it is there for me and me alone. I can call it anytime. It has been there even when Smoggie wasn’t in the country. I have left many messages on it. Wherever Smoggie is, he retrieves those messages and responds. Now, why would I not have his mobile number and WhatsApp him or whatever him?! I don’t know. This “snail mail” sort of system seems to work nicely for us.

There are days I need to remember how loved I am and how fortunate I am. Today is one of those days.

I just got back from a 13^th birthday party of my favourite twins born on Valentine’s Day. I was the only adult invited. I am their beloved aunty. I spent almost 3 hours with a bunch of preteens and newly minted teens. I am glad I attended the event. Kids need to know they are loved. The twins have my number, and they know they can call me anytime and I will get back to them.

I have always believed that the greatest joy is in being needed. I hope Smoggie feels that way when he receives my messages!

I hope everyone has had a LOVE-ly day. Take care.