Books

Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to live in a room with wall-to-wall bookshelves that went from floor to ceiling, and they would be filled with all the books that I have read and that I would read over and over again.

In reality, I ended up with one bookshelf in the basement of the home we sold almost 4 years ago. And it took several years to set that up. However, I started adding books to a smaller bookshelf when I started tutoring. These were books for kids - books I could read with them and books that they would be interested in reading. Then, when I got my teaching job, I also started collecting books for my classroom.

As I unpacked the boxes of books in my current home, I had to make the pantry shelf (that I couldn’t fit in my new kitchen) my third bookshelf. For the first time, in a long time, I actually flipped through the pages of some of the books I have. Each book took me back in time. And it was fun to organize them in a way that made sense to me.

Today, my friend Manda wondered if I had a copy of ‘The Great Gatsby’. I did and she came over to borrow it. While I was waiting for her, I turned the cover page and saw my name neatly written on the title page. I wasn’t sure if I bought the book for the Fall term of 1994 or the Winter term of 1995 or for the 1994-1995 academic year. It hit me that that was over 30 years ago! I turned another page and read a quotation by F. Scott Fitzgerald about writing. As I was reading it, my friend arrived. She wanted to borrow it for her 17-year-old who is enrolled in a Grade 12 English course. When she saw my name in the book, she almost felt guilty for ever asking for it.

There was a time I would buy a copy of the book to give to a person who asked to borrow my copy of that book. There was no way I would let someone else’s hands touch a book of mine. Those days are over. As a mother, a tutor and a teacher, I have been surrounded by hands that have been in questionable places and I am not sure anything can be sanitized 100%. Can I clean each page of a book with a disinfectant wipe? Does it matter to have a book in pristine condition or a book that served its purpose multiple times?

I did spend some time earlier in the day with Manda, and I mentioned the bots on my blog. She was so worried that she wanted me to send her a document with all my blog posts so she could feed that into some Artificial Intelligence app and produce a book that I could self-publish before a bot could do the very same. For all I know, that’s probably been done already. So, I told my friend that I will decide how I will tell a story when I am ready to tell that story.

At the end of the day, after she left with ‘The Great Gatsby’, I realized that I need to read it again. I need to read a whole bunch of books again.

The Next 5 Years

Today, I spent a considerable amount of time with Hans. I won’t go into all the details, but I want to share an excerpt from one of our conversations.

Hans wanted to know what I will be doing 5 years from now. A standard question that is sometimes asked in interviews - Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I was surprised and a lot of thoughts floated through my head.

 

Is this child of mine worried about me?!

Perhaps, he is simply curious?!

Do I know what I will be doing then?!

Then, I just decided to answer it as honestly as possible. I told him that I would be focussed on work for the next 3 years, and after that I may take some time off to do some writing. I also felt the need to state that I am not looking for companionship in a conventional sense. It was important for Hans to know that my life is good and not lacking in any way.

At one point, as I rambled through my response, I looked at my child and got emotional. It has just been Hans and me for nearly 4 years. I am going to miss him for sure when he leaves on the 29th, and it hit me that he is thinking about that as well in his own way. Oh, wow!

One Perspective on Artificial Intelligence

2 days later, the bot visit count is around 6K. And I am even more certain that these are indeed machines! If my last post was read by someone who is an actual person IRL, they may be inclined to leave a comment stating that they are not a bot!

In my last post, I did not elaborate on my phone conversation with Bambino. We spoke at length about the sudden interest in my blog. Bambino thinks that Artificial Intelligence needs to mimic human-like communication and what better way to do that than read all the content that is available out there in cyber space?!

I believe, based on my limited experience and perspective, that blogs are personal accounts. People share their feelings and thoughts on countless things. They are happy. They are sad. They are sensitive. They are mad. They pour their hearts out on occasion. They are negative. They are positive. The whole spectrum of human emotions is on digital display.

I am okay if a machine thinks my story is good enough to be shared. More power to it! However, I will still write a story one day about some interesting aspect of my life. And I am sure it will capture me better than a bot!

Bots on the Blog

Many moons ago, I wrote about my dear friend Smoggie perhaps creating an autobot so my blog could have visitors from all over the world, and he immediately dispelled that *myth*.

In the last 5 to 6 days, this blog has amassed around 3.77K visitors from all around the world. Although I’d like to believe they are real visitors, I was immediately reminded of the wise words shared by both Smoggie and Bambino nearly 10 years ago. It is the bots. I mentioned this to Hans, and he said something like what he said about the senior discount I received - Enjoy it! And yet, I am not enjoying it. It feels like an invasion.

A few minutes ago, I also mentioned it to Bambino in a phone conversation. He had something like this to say about it - Your book will be written by some bot before you get around to it! Then, we talked about Artificial intelligence for a while.

Although I laughed a bit about it, it still made me sad. I am happy to have 2 authentic readers than 3000 machines probing this blog for who knows what!

The Fastest Addendum

It was barely an hour ago that I posted my thoughts on Death. Minutes later, I realized that I was inspired, in part, by something I witnessed and wanted to include … and then, I got caught up in my drama and forgot all about it!

Right after my brekkie with Manda, she dropped me off at Fairview Mall so I could join Hans in a line-up in front of EB Games. It was the release of another pack of Pokémon cards and Hans desperately wanted a particular card. Before he left earlier in the day, he talked about how some families show up together and how each member could buy a pack and increase their odds of getting those elusive collector cards. So, I told him that I would meet up with him after my breakfast with my friend and we could at least double his chances.

When I messaged Hans to let him know I was on my way, he immediately was concerned that people might object to my joining him. They had all been waiting for an hour and a half or so, and the store was minutes from opening. I told him to not worry about that. How could anyone deny a mother from joining her son? So, I was able to just walk over to him and become a part of the line-up.

There were parents with strollers and there were people with chairs. The one person I did not notice right away and only saw as he got to the cashier was a man in an electric wheelchair. There was an oxygen tank at the back and other attachments. This man looked just as happy as everyone else did when he received his pack. It put a smile on my face.

Later, Hans and I had some time to talk as he finally got his breakfast from McD’s. I told him that when ASid and Hans were little, I would tell them to not get into situations based on dares. I would caution them that it is the worst when they can’t talk or walk or not be able to do something else because they decided to jump off a cliff on a dare. I might have even said that death was better than being in a wheelchair for the rest of their lives.

I told Hans that I would like to retract my statements from that time.

As a Special Education teacher, I have experienced all sorts of needs. I have seen parents be brave for their children; fight for their children and never lose hope for their children. I know a parent whose firstborn twins were both diagnosed with Autism, and she has become an inspiration for me. And all my experiences with special needs students helped me find a new perspective on life.

I was glad I was able to share that with Hans today. As a parent, I can only do what I can with what I have been given. And I have been given two beautiful boys. I want them to never ever stop living.

Preoccupation with Death

If we go with the certainty that we are all going to die; perhaps then, we will live well. So, I thought! However, recently, I have become terrified by the fact that we are all going to die!

Ever since I got Hans his car, I have these moments where I imagine my boy on the road with all the bad drivers. When he takes the car out, I wait until he gets back home … safely. I have blamed my recent late nights on the car. But I stayed up late even when Hans took the TTC to go downtown with his friends. That was when I imagined the boy surrounded by all the bad elements that supposedly exist on the streets of downtown Toronto.

Maybe I have become unreasonably preoccupied with situations where Hans’ life is in danger because the boy is going off to university in a few days!

Yesterday, Hans and I spoke about him going off to McMaster on the 29^th of August. Hans ended the conversation by saying something like “all that matters only if I don’t die before I get there”! It was like a slap in my face. Was my 18-year-old preoccupied with death as well or did he just say that fleetingly?! I did not want to have *that* conversation.

There are times I feel like I seriously need to see a therapist.

Luckily, I have wonderful friends. Today, I had breakfast at McDonald’s with Manda. She wondered if she should let her 17-year-old be in a car driven by his friend?! I shared with her that Hans asked me a similar question a few months ago. He wanted to know if I was okay with him being in a car with a friend who recently got his G2 license?! I told him that I should be okay since he would be getting that very same license soon, and I expect his friends to be okay to be in a car driven by him.

I hoped Manda would be okay too. And then I proceeded to tell her about my preoccupation with death.

I told her that the first night I slept in our new home, I felt a sense of relief. I knew that if I died, Hans would be with people who would love him just as dearly as I do. I did not realize that I had carried that fear of Hans discovering me dead and not having anyone with him in our former home. It had been just the 2 of us, and he was a child for most of that time.

Manda and I felt unburdened by sharing our fears. On most days, we are happy moms who have nothing but positive things to share about our boys and our lives. It was great that we took a moment to get those negative feelings out.

My day ended with ASid. He was in our new neighbourhood meeting someone and I decided to take a walk and spend some time with him. My firstborn has been preoccupied with finding a job in New York. In my mind, Toronto is just as fine as that other city and perhaps, in my infinite bias, *finer* than that other city! But can I stop ASid from moving to New York? No! Can I stop Death? No!

So, I must let go. Breathe. Release.

Another New Beginning

Hans and I, along with my parents and my nephew RoV, dropped off the keys/fobs/laundry card at the management office today. We moved into the building on November 1, 2022, under not so happy circumstances. It was a challenging time for Hans then! It took him a while to warm up to our apartment and consider it his home. In all honesty and fairness, it took me a while as well. And even towards the end, I continued to complain about the laundry situation.

Yet, I got emotional as I handed the stuff back to the same lady who welcomed me with a warm hug 3 years and 9 months ago. I realized that I was going to miss the home I built together with Hans. That was the place that made us who we are today - strong, independent and happy. I became a contract teacher while I was there, and I was also able to submit a resignation and pursue jobs closer to our new home. And Hans got through high school and got accepted at a university in a program of his choice. We did not simply survive … we lived!

As we start a new chapter in our lives, I just wanted to take a moment and bid a fond farewell to our home that was.