Sayings and Doings

What goes around comes around!

The other day, as I stepped out of my front door, I saw this man pacing back and forth in my neighbour's driveway. We live in a townhouse complex and everyone is really close to each other whether we like it or not! So, I said a polite "Hello" and wondered who he is. Apparently, he is my neighbours' nephew and spending a couple of weeks at their home‎. He wanted to know if I had any matches to spare and without thinking, I answered in the affirmative and indicated that we keep matches on hand to light birthday candles! I ran in and grabbed one of the two match boxes I had in my kitchen. What a good neighbourly thing to do!

That was also the day ASid invited 4 of his friends over to "hang out". I set up a table and chairs in the backyard so the boys could enjoy some sun and perhaps get some fresh air. The first thing one of the boys exclaimed was "Hey! There is someone in your backyard!" We had to explain to the kid that we have "open" backyards and only "half fences"! It allows for easy access to do lawn mowing and landscaping as we live in a condo townhouse where we pay a monthly maintenance fee! As the boys were absorbing this information, the "someone" turns out to be my neighbours' nephew! I waved at him and asked him if the matches worked; he nodded and proceeded to light a cigarette...

Imagine how I felt!

I immediately resolved to be not such a "good neighbour"‎! Why couldn't I have said a polite "NO"? Why oh why? When the boys asked me, I told them that I couldn't lie...

Honesty is the best policy!

Around the same time, we had new neighbours move in! They seem like nice people, however the husband parks the car outside of their garage and Craigley has been grumbling about it. Since we also have shared driveways, it is a little tricky to back out of our garage and get out when a car is partially blocking the way out!‎ I keep telling Craigley that it is not so bad as he has to deal with it just once a day! However, last weekend (the long weekend), we were in and out quite a bit! As we came back home on Saturday, Craigley remarked how our new neighbours' car was parked outside again!

As I got out of the car and opened Hans' door, he jumped out in his usual style. Immediately, he spotted our new neighbours ‎and ran towards them! I thought he was being friendly and then, I heard him say very loudly to them, "My dad thinks you should park your car in your garage!"

Imagine how I felt!

 

Happy Parents

My brother and his wife welcomed their baby boy just a day before Hans turned 6! A first for them as well as a first for my boys who were eagerly awaiting a cousin on their Momley's side of the family. There has been much joy at this arrival. There have also been moments of self-doubt as with all new parents.

My sister-in-law, the lovely new mom, has been most affected! She constantly worries that she is probably not being a good parent. She wonders when her son cries for a few minutes if she is not comforting him enough!‎ She asks me how I dealt with my own 2 boys. She believes I must have been quite good.

Actually, I was as much in self-doubt as she is now for the first few weeks‎ of ASid's life. I constantly questioned my competency. Perhaps all new parents feel that way; it is a learning phase. First time parenting becomes almost like a trial and error "experiment"; eventually, there are successful outcomes! Some parents get there sooner than others and it's OK; this is not a race!

I have personally witnessed a few new mom meltdowns. I know of new moms who have gone crazy staying home with a baby. They all felt guilty. Is it OK to be happy at the thought of going back to work once the maternity leave is up? Yes, absolutely! I believe that all of us parents need to do what makes us happy. At the end of a day, a happy parent is a good parent (regardless of all the errors we invariably make). But, then again, there is no such thing as a "happy parent"! We all do what we need to do and there are certainly unhappy moments.

When an adult can look back and say s/he had a happy childhood, ‎then his/her parents did a good job! I'd like to believe that they had happy parents :)

So, all new parents out there..."Don't worry; Be happy"...what a nice little song to hum through parenthood.

 

I am 40 today!!

I don't feel any different! Definitely, a time for reflection though!

I am reminded of a day in the year when Smoggy, my dear friend, and I turned 25. I told him the clichéd "when we turn 40 and we aren't married to someone by then, we will marry each other"! To which, he responded that he had already made that pact with his best friend from his teenage years! As my brother (and some others) would say‎, "BURN!"

I can laugh about it now; however, I can't imagine being single right now. I can't imagine life without my 2 beautiful boys. If I can actually go back in time and have the chance to live my life differently...I know I will make the same choices I have made and have no regrets! The last few months and 12 years have been the best; being a mom has been the best gift!

As I look forward to the next few years of my life, I will strive to laugh more and once in a while, laugh at myself as well. So, here is a laugh I'd like to share with my friend, KPF, and everyone else who cares...just because...

As mentioned in my last post, I have been looking for a job and I have been quite vocal about it as I don't know where the next opportunity ‎awaits me. One of the parents at Hans' school mentioned that there is an "opportunity" she'd like to discuss with me. It was on the last day of school and I was worried that I may not get an opportunity to pursue this "opportunity"! I was worrying unnecessarily as this parent insisted on meeting with me face to face and actually set up a time! I was very excited and waited eagerly; she was a few minutes late. I was OK with that!

She started off by saying that she hopes I wouldn't be offended‎ by what she was about to say! All I could think of was perhaps she was offering me a job as a nanny; I have been mistaken for a nanny several times! That wouldn't upset me and I could politely decline! Although, by now, this parent definitely knows that I am not the nanny! So, what is this "opportunity" that could possibly offend me?

Turns out her husband is a dentist and he got to meet me at Hans' 6th birthday party. Apparently, being the professional that he is, he noticed that my teeth could use some work! He wanted to provide me with an "opportunity" to have this work done within a reasonable amount of money!

I could almost hear a loud "BURN!" in my ears. I let this parent know that I am focused on finding a job currently and when I am able to earn some extra dollars for my family, I would definitely consider this generous "opportunity" being provided by her dentist husband.

For once, I didn't cry; I had a good laugh and I immediately wanted to share with family and friends, and laugh some more!

Hope you had a good laugh too!

 

The "first" interview

Technically, it was not my first interview; but it sure did feel like it!

On April 4th, I saw a job posting that got me very interested. It was for a part-time position and it was what I was looking for! It allowed me to work from home! I desperately wanted this job and I spent somewhere between 2 and 3 hours to rework my resume and cover letter. As soon as I was done, I emailed it; I didn't even think about the fact that there was a deadline of April 25th and I sent it out too early on April 5th which also happens to be a Saturday! Perhaps, I should have waited till Monday at least?!

On the following Monday, I was pleasantly surprised to receive an acknowledgment of my application from the potential employer. Just that courtesy boosted my confidence to no end. I wrote back saying that I hope to hear from them after the 25th of April! I was waiting anxiously and finally on the 30th, I was contacted to reconfirm my interest in the position as well as state my availability for certain weekdays. Once all those formalities were completed, I got an interview date of May 14th - my first interview in a long long time and I was excited. However, I also had the daunting task of rounding up 3 references!!

What seemed like a challenging task turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I got an opportunity to reconnect with people on a professional level; the best one was with my friend Smoggy. He and I worked for about 3 years prior to ASid's birth; although we met at a workplace, we became really good friends. We worked well professionally and also gelled personally. It came as no surprise then that I reached out to my friend Smoggy! He offered to go through the job description and prepare me for the interview. He spent an hour and a half on the phone reminding me of all the skills I possess. I was truly astonished at my own knowledge and I felt prepared for the interview next day.

What can I say? I did really well in the interview. I called Smoggy, my Mom, my newest friend (who gave me an opportunity to do a couple of hours' worth of work each week) ‎ and Craigley. I told them all that I had the job; I was so sure. I was so excited. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I had experienced something other than a Momley Moment that made me feel good about myself.

Then, a week went by and I heard nothing. None of my references were contacted! What happened? A day later, I get an email saying that the job has been offered to someone else. It was May 22nd and Hans' 6th b'day, and I just broke down and cried. I felt a loss that couldn't be expressed in words. Amidst all that crying, I wanted to know "why?” The lady who had been communicating with me the whole time was kind enough to reply to my query and this is what she wrote:

It was wonderful to meet you, and share some of your teaching experiences.  I do hope you are able to move ahead to a more full time position, as you certainly have many excellent skills that should assist you. 

I thought you were very comfortable in the interview, and answered questions in detail and on point.  You have many great qualifications that will assist in the process.  I have no doubt that if you continue to pursue job opportunities you will soon find a more full time position.  

In this work world, it often takes several searches for jobs before the right one appears.  So don't give up!!  

All the best with this journey!

Thank you lady! Thank you Smoggy! Thank you to everyone else who believe in me. Boys, Momley is on her way! I would have loved for an opportunity to work with this lady, however there will always be other opportunities and Momley is not giving up!

 

Precious Passwords

In my last post, I listed almost all the devices my boys own. Craigley and I have a rule that devices are strictly available on a "weekend basis". Sometimes this weekend privilege is lost if the boys fail to perform other duties and responsibilities such as piano practice, etc. Craigley is the one who usually "punishes" the boys by taking away their devices over several weekends!

As one might safely conclude, this post is related to the devices again‎!

Most nights, I sit on a chair beside the bed as Hans‎ prepares to sleep. It takes about half hour from the time his head hits the pillow to the time he actually falls asleep! There was a time I waited patiently by the bedside and responded to his questions while urging him to close his eyes and go to sleep. Then one day, I realized that I could use that half hour to do the dishes or clean up the kitchen or catch a show on TV! So, I would tuck Hans into bed and take off; strangely enough, he did not protest at all. It took a few days for me to find the PlayBook "sleeping" beside him in bed; how could I have missed that?!

A 5 year old and so sneaky! I went on a rampage and set up passwords on all the devices the kids have access to. A new rule was created as well - all devices are to be dropped off on Sunday nights on the side table in the big bedroom! ASid was a little offended for the lack of faith; however the benefits far outweighed hurt feelings. I could leave Hans by himself at bedtime without worrying about him watching a Lego Ninjago video on YouTube!

The above incident happened several weeks ago and I didn't realize how my peace of mind had created the opposite effect in my children's minds! Most recently, Hans wanted to know if some kids have only one parent?! I told him that it is quite possible if the parents are not living together and then, the kids will only have one parent at a time! Hans didn't seem to pay too much attention to my explanation. He wanted to know what happens if a parent dies. I told him that the other parent would take care of the kids. Then he wanted to know what would happen if both the parents died?! Hans didn't talk about Death in a while and it got me a little worried. We were walking home from school that day and I instinctively reached out for his hand and assured him that he will have his grandparents and his uncle to take care of him and his brother if his dad and his mom were to die suddenly. All Hans said in response was, "But what about the passwords?"

"Huh??"

"But Momley what about the passwords" and he almost started crying!

In my mind, I went "What?" and then I got it! So, I gently told him, "Just before I die, I will tell you the passwords to your PlayBook and Momley's iPad!"

Hans immediately brightened and exclaimed "YAY!!"

I didn't know whether I should cry or laugh, however I decided to enjoy the quiet walk with my child as he looked‎ so very happy at the thought of getting the passwords to his favourite devices from his parents as they breathed their last!

 

"Relatability"

When I typed the word in MS Word, I saw the red squiggly line under it! Then I typed it into the Google search engine and, it appears like it is a word used online in various contexts. I want to use it as an "ability to relate"!

As my boys are growing up, especially ASid who will be a certified Teen in August, I wonder about how much they are able to relate to me?! I didn't think much about it till the other day when ASid mentioned that his friend CM's family is a happy and a friendly family! Really? Why? How does he feel about his own family?

It appears that CM and his family have "family board game nights" and some weekends, they all play together on their Nintendo devices. That makes them happy and I am still not sure how they are friendly?! I asked ASid his thoughts on his own family! ‎ His answer stunned me for a few minutes...

ASid said that we NEVER play board games or have fun on the devices! I had to remind him that he has 3 Nintendo handheld ‎devices (DS, DSi and 3DS XL) that he enjoys playing on simultaneously; we also have an iPad and an iPod Touch that the 2 boys connect with and play together; we have a PS3 (at our home) and Nintendo Wii (at my parents' home) that they use when there are a lot of friends and family visiting...on the same note, we have 4 versions of Monopoly, an anniversary edition of Scrabble with a rotating board, Sorry, Catan and many more! It seems like I am listing all our treasures and for all intents and purposes, these are our treasures. All of our money is mostly invested in the boys' RESPs and their "toys". 

So, why are we not a happy family? ASid then pointed out that it is not that our family does not play games; it is just that I do not join in on any one of the games! So, it was really me who is holding back the family from winning the "Happy and Friendly" title! It made me sad and mad at the same time. How dare ASid use this random means of measurement? It felt like he was using his dad's standards to measure/judge his mom‎.

As much as I was upset, ASid was red with anger as he blurted out again, "You NEVER play any games with us...you NEVER make the effort!” Wow! That was a bit harsh. But he was right. Once in a while, I play Scrabble with the boys; that's about it! However, I do make an effort in other ways. I was a little saddened that I wasn't being recognized for my contribution to my boys' lives. I let ASid vent for a while; he is 12 going on 13. So far, he has been a great preteen and if this is the extent of his angst...it is actually not that bad!

When he cooled down, I did let him know that I am hurt just as much by his words as he is by my lack of participation in games. I hoped that he is happy that his Momley listens to him and has all the time in the world for him. Craigley has all the patience for games, but he expects the boys to summarize their narratives; his standard request, "Can you say that in 2 or 3 sentences?"‎. On the other hand, I have all the patience to listen to the boys as they talk about their day at school or an issue with a friend or their excitement over a book.

Still…I could play more games with them...perhaps that will make us a happy family...perhaps ASid will realize that all families are happy in their own ways...perhaps one day he is able to relate to his Momley in other ways...perhaps Hans won't have this same conversation with me 7 years from now...perhaps by then I am more prepared!

I think with my firstborn I am learning of all the ups and downs of parenthood. Given that, I guess “relatability” is not a constant; it is strong sometimes and weak at other times! On reflection, I myself was able to relate most to my mother when I became a mother myself. I shouldn’t get too emotional at what ASid said; at least, he is able to communicate his problems with me…even if I am the problem! That’s definitely a good thing, eh?

 

Anonymity

We choose to be anonymous for different reasons. I chose to be anonymous on this blog for very personal reasons. 

The first reason, obviously, are my boys. There is a natural instinct for any parent to protect his/her children. Just because I made the choice to "communicate" with them in such a public format does not mean they are not entitled to their privacy!

The second reason is one of hope. There will always be bias in any writing as we are a product of our experiences! However, my hope is that any mother or for that matter, any parent is able to relate to the writing on this blog and feel connected in some way. I don't feel the need to attach a black or white or brown or yellow or green face to this blog.

Having said that, I have lifted all sorts of restrictions from commenting on this blog! Before now, comments had to be moderated/approved by me…although there haven’t been any comments to date! Starting now, readers are free to comment…even the “anonymous” readers. Anonymity gives most of us strength to say things we dare not say otherwise. Anonymity (sometimes) also brings out the monsters in us where we are not ashamed to be our worst! However, I hope the readers of this blog choose to leave constructive feedback and share a dialogue.

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for more.