More Than Something

I guess I have a bit of time on my hands. This is a whimsical post.

About 2 years and few months ago, I was at Hans’ former public school. I had just finished a day of supply teaching and was too tired to pay attention to anyone as I walked home. Then, I ran into a girl with a face mask on. She quickly pulled down the mask and smiled at me. She said something like “Hi Hans’ mom! Remember me?” and I did. It had been almost 4 years since I last saw her; however, I recognized her. She was taller and prettier. And it was nice that she recognized me. That was it, but the big smile stayed with me.

As I continued to walk home, I wondered if that big smile was for me or for Hans’ mom.

Earlier this month, I was at a restaurant having breakfast with a friend. Then, I saw this young woman walk in with her mom. She immediately looked in my direction and smiled that same big smile. She walked over and asked if I remember her. And I acknowledged her by saying her name. She seemed happy by that. After that, she was seated with her mom, and I went back to catching up with my friend. However, before we left, I went by her table to say bye.

For some reason, these 2 run-ins got me thinking in a theatrical way; however, those thoughts stayed in my head.

When the family gathered for my birthday at my parents’ home, I brought those thoughts up with ASid. I told him that I think this girl likes his brother Hans. ASid thought I was being silly. He was sure that this girl likes me, and she was happy to see me. I was like “why would a kid like me?”, and he was like “you did so much for Hans’ school!”, and I was like “that was aeons ago and kids don’t care!” and he completely disagreed with me.

Of course, there is no purpose to this post. Like mentioned at the beginning, it is whimsical. However, if I am right about this girl and she is brave enough to reach out to Hans, that would be wonderful. A mother can dream, right? … And I will get to say that I predicted it!

Addendum:

The other day, I shared with my friend KPF how ASid’s girlfriend wanted to attend my birthday lunch even if ASid wasn’t going to make it. To which, he responded with “Sounds like ASid has a nice girlfriend that likes you - she went without him!”. And she did! We all had so much fun at lunch that we all stayed for dinner, and that was when ASid joined us, and we had the above conversation.

KPF’s comment made me realize that the girls/girlfriends can like me, without me overthinking it!! So much for my theatrical thoughts!!

So, What is Your Excuse?

Hans and I got used to a schedule of sorts over the school year. I leave by 7 am in the morning and come back by 6 pm; in which time, Hans left for school before 9 am and got home around 4 pm. We didn’t cross paths much. I joked to family and friends that if I didn’t knock on Hans’ door at the end of the day, I wouldn’t see his face from Sunday evening to Friday evening! Such was our routine until Summer came along.

Hans enrolled in summer school for both July and August. That means he doesn’t really get a break. Some of his friends are working and the only time they get to congregate is at the end of the day; so, Hans is up quite late. The other day, I asked him if he slept well. His response was “not really”, and I shared that it was the same with me. His immediate reaction was “so, what is your excuse?”. I could have ignored it, but I proceeded to enlighten him!

In Health, in the middle grades, the curriculum covers changing bodies and that is related directly to puberty. What they fail to mention are the changes that happen again about 40 years later. At the risk of sounding cynical, that oversight could be related to the fact that the changes impact women. Since I am not cynical, it is probably a deliberate exclusion as kids can’t think beyond their present.

So, poor Hans was hit with an impromptu lesson on perimenopause and how it is affecting his Momley. To his credit, the boy quietly listened to it all. I guess he understood that I don’t sleep through the night and wake up frequently for one or more reasons. Then, I felt bad. I shouldn’t have burdened him with my problems. And then, I realized that I was overthinking, and it was alright to share that sensitive information. Hopefully, it allows Hans to become a man who will make an empathetic partner for someone in the future.

Communication is key.  It should help Hans navigate all his relationships.

Mad About My Acting Peeps

I started watching Mad Men a few days ago. Maybe I finally felt an urgency to watch it as it is leaving Netflix on July 31, 2025. The end of the 1^st episode took me back to the time I fell in love with My Fair Lady.

Sometimes we end up watching things chronologically backwards. That’s what I am doing with Jon Hamm - I have watched him on The Morning Show and recently in Your Friends and Neighbours (appreciated how Apple TV+ added the extra u in the title for Canadian consumption). And of course, I cannot skip any of the Skip The Dishes ads Hamm does! And that was how it was with Jeremy Brett. I watched an older version of him as Sherlock Holmes on BBC religiously each week. There were a bunch of us children obsessed with the tv series. Then I saw My Fair Lady in which there was this character Freddy who was smitten by Eliza Doolittle, and he looked so familiar. It turned out to be a younger version of Jeremy Brett! When I shared this info with the other Brett-as-Holmes fans, they were all seriously disappointed. He looked undignified pining after a woman who was pining after another man.

Holmes would never ever do something so silly!

After the 1^st episode of Mad Men ended with ‘On the Street Where You Live’, I got all nostalgic. And I realized what a sincere job Brett did as Freddy. He is so believable as this infatuated young man, and that song was just perfectly picturized on him. Now, I wish Ms Doolittle had gone for Freddy instead of the pompous Professor Higgins!

Some of us are guilty of yearning after unavailable people. I guess it is romantic in a tragic way. Sometimes we are like that with movie stars. We can get so passionate about them even if they are blissfully unaware of our existences.

Go Freddy Go. Never stop singing your song.

Have I Looked in the Mirror Lately?

Fortunately, or unfortunately, I have!

I walked into the elevator the other day and was startled by who I saw. I was like I know this person, and then I realized that I was staring at myself in the elevator mirror. It was not funny at all. I shared this with my teaching partner the other day, and one of our students heard it and said, “So you finally got to see your ugly face in the mirror”. This student is 7 years old, and she is very unkind to me in general. She has called me an old hag several times. Initially, my feelings were hurt, and then I realized quite quickly that my student has ASD and that’s the way she talks to everyone. And in a not so strange way, she is speaking the truth. She also calls another staff member, with a receding hairline, ‘baldy’.

Ageing is natural and yet, I don’t believe many of us are well-equipped to deal with it. It is like a death before the real one. At least, with the latter, others are left to deal with it!

Recently, my mother remarked that she looks old. I found that a little shocking as she is still stunning in any room any day. I guess we all have an image of ourselves in our heads, and that image comes under scrutiny when we see ourselves in pictures or through other people’s eyes. I used to believe this is something only ordinary people deal with, but I guess this is perhaps harsher for people who are truly spectacular to behold.

So, what’s this all about? I guess with another birthday looming large, it is quite natural to look back on life and look at life in general.

This morning, I ran into a parent whom I have known for a while. I keep running into her at different schools and at various locations. She has a child with Autism. I made her acquaintance when her child was in kindergarten and now, he is 15. She is going through a challenging time as her child is getting bigger and stronger. I was glad to see her. Parents like her put things in perspective. Despite what life has given her, she runs with it, and she is a beautiful human being.

So, looking in a mirror and being startled is not that scary.

Didn’t miss a day!

2 days ago, I completed my 1^st year as a contract teacher without missing a single day of work. It wasn’t a whole school year - I started on October 10^th as opposed to September 3^rd. Perhaps if I had started like every other teacher in Ontario, I probably would have used a day or two of my 11 paid sick days.

I made some teachers uncomfortable because I didn’t take a day off. It was almost comical as they kept suggesting that I use a day or two as ‘mental health’ days. I wasn’t being judgemental of those using their sick days. My fellow teacher has 2 young children under the age of 10. So, she had to constantly deal with ear infections, colds, etc. I don’t have children that young right now. I do have one child under my roof who was absent from school quite a bit, but he didn’t need a parent home to take care of him. And just so I didn’t come across as a negligent parent and to not be considered an outsider, I had to share with my colleagues that I did take 17 years off to take care of the colds and coughs and other ailments!

Teacher absenteeism has been on the rise, and it hasn’t been pretty. So, they have introduced an Attendance Support Program (ASP) to ensure fewer disruptions to student learning. This hasn’t been received well by most teachers.

I am a teacher in an Autism classroom. We provide positive reinforcement for our students as much as possible to encourage them to achieve their goals. That’s what needs to be done with teachers too. Those who never miss a day should be quietly recognized and rewarded. Anyways, that’s above my paygrade. What I can do is announce my perfect attendance in my safe space and feel quietly good about it. Outside of here, I am someone to be hated and even feared. The irony of it!

Could have been a Quarter Century …

April 16, 2025, would have been the 25^th wedding anniversary for Craigley and me. But it isn’t happening, and I am glad.

When it all crashed and burned, 2 years and a few months ago, ASid remarked that it should have happened several years prior to that! Hans was upset that it happened a few years too early! I felt like it was the right time … I was finally not just emotionally and mentally ready, but also financially ready.

A few people wondered if Craigley was cheating on me or was abusive in a conventional way?! Well, he wasn’t! If there was any abuse, it was mostly related to finances. Craigley had all the money, and I had none. On my 40^th birthday, I was informed that I would no longer receive Craigley’s hard-earned money, and that I was on my own. At that moment in time, I felt alone, afraid and ashamed … I am not using alliteration for some sort of dramatic effect here; that’s how I felt. For the longest time, I couldn’t share this with anyone. It was then that my marriage to Craigley really ended.

I am happy I am on my own now. I don’t feel alone. I am not afraid. I am definitely not ashamed.

Sometimes, we don’t have to reach certain milestones to feel a sense of accomplishment. Knowing when to quit should be celebrated as well.

Leisurely looting of Time

I have recently proclaimed to many that if ‘Time is Money’, it makes sense that I chose Time over Money. I guess I was trying to justify why I chose to be a stay-at-home mom for so many years.

On Saturday, I watched 5 movies, and then on Sunday, I couldn’t recall all 5 of them. I knew the 1^st movie I watched. It was recommended about 25 years ago by my friend KPF and I finally found it - The Big Lebowski. Then, I watched a British production that felt like an international film. The third one was Blue Velvet which was released when I was 12 years old. The 4^th was a ‘foreign’ film, and then, I ended with the musical remake of Mean Girls. I am only able to list them all because I checked History on Chrome. I have this tendency to read articles about a movie while I am watching that movie, and hence there is a trail of breadcrumbs to follow when I lose track of what I watched!

I don’t do this sort of binge-watching on a regular weekend. This was the weekend leading into March Break and I guess I went a little crazy knowing that I didn’t have to prep for this week. It also made me realize that if I didn’t have my work, then there is nothing that needs me … not that my work needs me; I am totally dispensable! What I truly realized was that ASid is 23 and hasn’t needed me for about 5 years. Hans may need me for a year and a bit, and then he is on his way as well. So, I will have a lot of time and ironically, a lot of money as well.

Would that make me happier than I am right now? Not really. 

I am glad to have had the time with the boys when they needed me. And I need to stop justifying my choices to others.