A retrospective moment

The firstborns have it the toughest. They have parents who are rookies and who are not entirely sure if they are on the right parenting path?! They also have to be role models if the said parents decide to try parenting again to rectify some preliminary mistakes and feel good about themselves. Firstborns are left with scars from certain trial and error methods parents indulge in. If they are lucky, they are born to parents with great instincts and survive with little need for therapy!

This morning, ASid asked me to sign a sheet that had a list of the Grade 12 courses he chose for his last year of high school. It was a defining moment for me as a parent. This is my firstborn and he is almost at the end of his public school education and barely a year and a half from post-secondary education. Where is he going to go and what is he going to do with his life?! As his mother, I am both proud and nervous. ASid has had quite the life. Even though his entire life has been in Toronto, he has been to 6 different schools and 4 different programs. All through those transitions, he has relied on himself. It did not matter who made the choices for ASid, he hasn't let anyone down. Now he is making the choices all by himself. He asks for an opinion here and there, but he is flying solo.

This morning, it hit me that this child of mine made parenting so easy for me. He asked for very little and got a lot done with that very little. Even as I am nervous for the next few months where we will find out about ASid's next flight, I am confident that this child of mine will soar high. He has fumbled a little bit in the recent past, but he is aware of it. Even though we have offered him help and support, he wants to own his successes and be responsible for his failures. Can't say that I don't admire that about him!

Today, he will be handing that sheet in with the courses he picked for Grade 12. How well he does on those courses will determine if he can get into the program of his choice.

This morning, I let ASid know that what matters to me is that he sleeps well and eats properly. On the same note, I let him know that I am afraid for him to leave home and go off to somewhere where no one cares about how well he has slept or if he has eaten at all?! And then, I also stated that I must let him go so he may falter and fail and find himself?! I was honest about how inadequate I feel as a parent at this point in his life where he needs me to perhaps help him make those tough choices.

All this child of mine did was to smile and shake his head. It was his nonverbal way of assuring me that he will be OK and I shouldn't worry too much!

But worrying is part of parenting. Have I done enough?! What haven’t I done?!

And letting go is part of parenting as well. I might get there one day, but isn’t parenting a lifetime commitment?! Just want the boys to know that the world is theirs to explore, but they can always come home when they need a break.

 

I loathe...

I have been lately disappointed in people in general. And I am grateful to those few people who allow me to continue to believe in the overall goodness of the world that surrounds me. Today, I felt the need to create a list like the 10 Commandments for the boys.

Well, this is a list in progress. I will keep adding to it as situations arise and I have a moment to reflect on them.

I loathe...People of convenience who have all the time when they need you and no time when you need them. They are basically selfish and do not add value to any life other than their own!

I loathe...Anyone who is a hypocrite. When you can't say something to someone's face, don't say it at all anywhere else!

I loathe...People who like to hear their own voices and monopolize conversations. They never learn anything of interest and rightfully stagnate!

I loathe...Anyone who is not grateful or thankful for what they have, and constantly complain. If it is that bad, change something...anything!

I loathe...People who never apologize. An apology acknowledges the fact that we are human and we make mistakes. It does not diminish anyone in any way!

Finally,

I loathe...Parents who play favourites and pit their children against each other. They are doing a great disservice to the next generation.

The above is a preliminary list and it will continue to evolve as I learn and grow older and hopefully wiser than I am now.


Noteworthy Remarks: Here is an excerpt from Bambino’s reaction to the post …

... We have set our level so low as human beings that 50% is a pass in most cases. If you are 50th percentile - you are average. That is good enough!! You are a good person!! So it is a given fact in life that 50% of the people are generally loathsome - so stop fretting and follow your rule number 4 (I call the golden rule) - it is very hard rule as it is circumstance and consequence driven. Anyways - The point I am trying to make is Don't go out of your way to give 100% when giving 50% of your time is good enough - because you can spend the other 50% more fruitfully with people who care 100% about you (the ones who try to be grateful and thankful).

Boys, listen to your uncle! I have now bolded the golden rule!

 

Average

A few days ago, I was invited to breakfast with my friend Y and a friend's husband. This man's wife, Y and I were supposed to have started a business together a couple of years ago. We met with lawyers, bankers and real estate agents (plus others) over many moons and nothing happened! It was the biggest disappointment on a professional and career front for me. When I got the invite, I almost didn't accept. First of all, our friend wouldn't be there and I also have other commitments. Then again, I am glad I ended up going for breakfast that day.

Because it is my favourite meal of the day and the second reason was this man picked Pickle Barrel! PB used to be my favourite go to place with Smoggie. No matter what time we went there, I would always end up ordering from the breakfast menu. So, it was with great enthusiasm that I set off to partake in this essential meal of the day.

Sometimes we become friends with people through our children. Children form friendships first and then the mothers and if everyone involved is lucky, the fathers and the siblings join in voluntarily and happily. Then it becomes a family friendly affair of sorts. At least, this is the pattern I have grown accustomed to.

Back to the breakfast now...

Only PB would think of throwing in a Latkes option with Eggs Benny. Amidst poached goodness and Hollandaise sauce, we conversed about our boys. Both the man and Y have same aged boys as Hans. In such situations, there almost always is an underlying competitive spark that could occasionally light a fire and destroy an entire proverbial forest or a friendship. So, we approach these conversations cautiously.

The other 2 parents have boys who have been identified as "gifted" privately. Yes, they actually had them tested for different reasons. One of the boys is in a private school learning French as his 3rd language and the other made it to the CW. I am proud of these boys' accomplishments as I have been part of their journeys and they are Hans' friends. 

Somehow amidst the wonderful conversation, the word "average" was used to describe Hans. Obviously, he is the boy who hasn't moved to a better place in his little life?! Usually, I let such things go; however, I took offence to the word. It is not the word's fault. It simply exists. It is how the word was used within a certain context that ticked me off!

And so I am going to share another real story about a mother with 2 boys. This mother felt that her oldest was bright and requested for the "gifted" test for him. He did not get identified as "gifted". It crushed her spirit and she made it her mission to get her youngest into the "gifted" program. Long story short, she succeeded in her mission.

What are the boys up to now?! The oldest "non gifted" boy is on his way to becoming a doctor. The youngest "gifted" boy had a miserable time in the "gifted" program and is undecided as to what he wants to do in a business program?!

Being identified as "gifted" mostly means that the kids have parents who are involved or parents who have the means to provide them with the necessary support.  Truly gifted is a character like Will Hunting from the acclaimed movie. Gifted cannot be captured in a test administered at age 7 or 8 or 9. And no child can be labelled as "average" on the same note.

Recently, G used the phrase "as dumb as dumb gets". And I want to borrow it for this post. If we allow our children or ourselves to believe they are better than their peers because of an early accomplishment in their lives, that may or may not indicate their strengths nor future accomplishments in any concrete way, then the whole notion of it is as dumb as dumb can get.

I really want Hans to know that he is not dumb in any way and he is also not average. Comparing himself to anyone at his age is doing a great disservice to himself. If anyone is dumb or average at this stage in Hans’ life, it is most likely his mother who has not invested her time in the right manner to make him look accomplished or get him a respectable label!

 

Polonius gets a Momley Revision

When Momley met Smoggie, they were both 24. It was the first full time job for the both of them. What Momley noticed over a few days was that Smoggie never wore any clothing in colour. He always wore a white shirt with khakis and a tie. The tie was the only colourful part of the ensemble. And the ties would change, but it was not a noticeable change!

Once they became friends, Momley asked Smoggie about his white shirts and khakis. And Momley will never forget Smoggie's honest and candid response. Without going into details, the reason was that Smoggie prioritized paying off his student loan over spending money on stuff like clothing. So, he simplified his clothing options. And Momley will always remember the day Smoggie paid off his debt. He asked Momley if she wanted to go shopping with him?! It was the most fun shopping spree ever. The next few days were a dazzling display of colour.

It is not the clothes we wear that make us who we are and clothes should never be the first impression for anyone. I actually have a better version of the above story that I occasionally share with the boys. The reason for this non detailed version is to segue into the story below.

I am from the Smoggie school of thought as well. When I first quit my job to move to the States to be with Craigley, I quit walking into Eaton's (which was alive and well then) and would simply window shop at Reitman's! The second time I stopped working was after ASid was born. And I also stopped shopping for clothing again. It didn't make any sense to buy clothes when I opted to stay at home. I believe, for ASid's second Christmas, I got mostly PJs as presents. That's what I wore mostly; they were comfortable and Momley friendly.

A couple of months ago, I went and got a new winter jacket. My old one was a gift from Craigley's parents for my first Christmas as a married woman. I refused to wear that for a long time since it did not align with my taste. Also, I had my own and it wasn't a necessity at that point in time. The first time I wore it was when ASid was in JK and I would frequently walk to his school to volunteer and needed something warm. Functionality won over style. That was in 2005.

In 2017, after 12 winters, the jacket stopped functioning. I didn't care that the zipper hadn't been fixed for years, but I cared when the cold chilled me to the bone and got me sick! So, I decided to finally get out there and buy a new winter jacket. And I did. It was an immediately noticeable change. It got a lot of dialogue going on multiple levels. And it inspired this post as well!

It is important to dress appropriately for the weather and it is important to dress accordingly for work or an event. On a daily basis though, it is essential to be true to oneself and one's needs. There will always be people who will judge us on what we wear or how we look, and jump to conclusions. That is their problem.

Polonius, I agree with thee on certain points! Thanks Shakespeare!

 

Noteworthy Remarks: Of course, if you have the monetary means, indulge yourself with a jacket per day of the season…if that is what you want and if that is what makes you happy!

 

Little Love Letters

At first, every set of 21 page views from a country yonder were almost romantic! Not anymore! When I got 9 sets of those over a few days' time, it is almost akin to a nightmare!

People, this is a blog about 2 boys. There is nothing exciting here except for a mother's musings. I have barely 2 readers at any given point in time. Sometimes more if I bug my friends enough. Other than that, it is simply a collection of moments I cherish.

These are my little love letters to my bubbies. That is all it is. It is a way to remember their mother and to reminisce about their lives. When they grow up and ever get cynical about something or dejected by anything, hopefully they can revisit some innocent times and remember what matters most in Life.

That is the only hope with this blog and nothing more than that! Love you boys!

 

NO Comment?!

When I do anything, I seek feedback. I like to hear about how I can improve on whatever I did. With this blog though, I never really get feedback unless I bug people for it. But then again, I have to bug people to read the content first!

Even if someone ever decides to leave a comment on it all, I have it set up so I decide whether the comment gets published or not. I really don’t want the boys to have to read a lot of trash talk or troll talk below any post simply because it didn’t quite agree with some random strangers.

The first comment I ever received was from my friend Munny who lives half way around the world. I would have loved to publish that comment, however Munny ended up mentioning my name in there! Then my 4 friends, whom I meet with in cyberspace almost every day, and I had a discussion about anonymity. Why blog anonymously?! Because my biggest concern is for the boys and their privacy. The other concern is about trolling and how ugly it can get. So, my decision to publish or not publish any comment anyone leaves behind for any of the posts.

This morning, I woke up to a second comment. Bambino and Smoggie, listen up! There were 21 page views from that country again and 1 comment from someone named Alex who could be Alexander or Alexandra or Alex Something. Well, I am not publishing that comment either because although it ended with “Thanks for blogging.”, it also had a few links to other sites.

Since I am honest and I want Bambino and Smoggie to have the last laugh, I will talk about the content of the comment a little bit. It was actually left for the post “Filler Post! Please Skip!”. The comment talked about possibly visiting our country and about having been here once before and it all sounded rather nice. However, the links that followed the comment were all about fillers!! Get it?!

No comment on that one. Happy laughing everyone!

 

The Existential Crisis!

A couple of posts ago, I wrote about my friend C and her existential crisis. My brother was curious and he hoped it wasn't a health crisis as before?! If it had been, I wouldn't have mentioned it as a matter of fact thing.

Actually, she had a faceoff with another parent at school about parenting! This other parent is quite opinionated (as is everyone else really; I mean, who the heck is not opinionated these days?!) and she proceeded to give C a lecture on parenting. When one's child is 5 years old and his world revolves around another child who is 4 years old, there is no option but to bond with the other parent. And if the children have issues, we must not make them our issues because the said children will get over it and we, the parents, will forever be doomed into an awkward awkwardness on the school playground!!

Today, the issue seems to have been resolved and I can safely conclude that The Existential Crisis has officially ended on a rather positive note.

In a not so strange coincidence, G and I have been talking about parenting the last couple of days. We definitely have different styles of dealing with our children. But then we have different sets of children. We have to use whatever skills we have to work with the children we have. There is no right or wrong - it is quite literally what works for us!

Recently, I came across a phrase in my scholarly readings for my online course. I immediately picked up the phone and called G. The phrase is "Productive Conflict" and I realized that that is how we communicate. We did agree to respectfully disagree with each other a long time ago. Friendships won't last if people get too opinionated or too unwilling to look at the other point of view. They won't even last if people are unapologetic.

Going back to my friend's existential crisis, I must confess that I may have rescued C the other day; however, I got to learn from her in the process as well. She will not disagree to her faults and she will most likely be the better person and take that first step to fix things if it is important for her children. A little honesty and humility go a long way!

Noteworthy Remarks: I am glad I came across the phrase "Productive Conflict". Sometimes I wonder why I choose to spend time with someone who seems to be on the opposite spectrum of my point of view?! But then again, it all makes sense when I think about it!!
 

He Said She Said - A Momley Perspective

Just so everyone is clear on this, there is really only "she said" here! That is why it is a Momley perspective.

Here is a timely example of what happens when people are not paying attention to the information being communicated to them.

First of all, some things are super consistent even if there is room for improvement. With me, it is about consistently not answering my phone when Craigley and I are outside. He has complained about it many times. In fact, he likes to narrate a story about how we were at the border coming back from the States, and Craigley was answering questions the Customs officer was asking. In the middle of it all, my phone started ringing and I was totally oblivious to it as I was aptly listening to the back and forth between Craigley and the officer. I did not pay attention to the ringing even when both of them stopped talking and looked at me! That's when Craigley and the guy (not an officer anymore) had a moment. They both smiled at each other like 2 men who belong in a support group where wives ignore calls. Craigley loves to share this story with all men who are also husbands. It somehow strengthens their male bonding.

On a positive note, I always remind Craigley that that particular border crossing was short and sweet thanks mainly to me!

Back to the Present…

Last Friday was a busy day for me and it was also a cold day. Craigley was home early and he insisted on driving me for pickup. I should have been super insistent about walking, but I wasn't and so there is a story to share.

We have an issue with the Parking Lot at Hans' school. There is a plan to close it at pickup time. I am all for it and Craigley, who wasn't aware till that point in time, was against it. We were arguing about the pros and cons of it all and Craigley had to park the car on one of the streets. It just worked out that I needed to stay a bit to hand over some stuff to my friends and Craigley decided to get Hans and walk over to the car and wait for me there. Literally, 5 minutes later, I made my way to the car and it wasn't there! That was when I decided to check my phone and surely enough there was a missed call from Craigley. So, I called him and found out that he had moved the car into the Parking Lot. And he decided the car is faster than me so they will catch up to me in no time. Meanwhile, some parents were wondering why I was at school without Hans and if I needed a ride. It did look a little strange - me walking back home without my child.

Long story short…I walked all the way home and found Craigley fuming in the car in the driveway. I was like my phone died in the cold and there was no way for me to communicate with him. And this was the information I had recently communicated to Craigley - that my phone simply died on me on 2 occasions last month as I was outside in extremely cold temperatures. Somehow this fact was forgotten.

You know how many times I called you and you didn't answer your phone?!

I was like my phone died on me.

Why do things only happen to you?!

I wanted to say why the heck did you move the car in the first place?!

I did not. Instead I asked Hans if he provided guidance to his dad in any way.

Hans and I are creatures of habit and we take the same route back home day in and day out for the last 5 and a half school years with very rare exceptions. If they had followed that route, they would have found me. But Craigley took another route and completely missed me.

When I asked Hans why he did not tell his dad which way to go, he simply stated that he wanted to stay out of it all! I guess that was a wise decision.

The only real reason for writing this post is to share a situation where so much angst could have been avoided if both parties had not tried to accommodate each other in any way. It could have also helped if a certain he had paid a little attention to a certain she who loves to communicate and who is rather reliable with her choices.

It is sad when we set out to help someone and end up making that same someone responsible for ruining it all since it didn't work out the way we planned it.

Hope this narrative makes sense on some level. If the purpose of it is lost in translation, then simply chalk it up to a regular comedy of errors!

 

Real Communication

Since my online course started 3 weeks and a couple of days ago, my struggle has been to stay focused and get assignments completed. I easily get distracted by School Council email or friendly invitations to coffee after drop off. Then there are days there are absolutely no distractions; just things that need to get done like cooking, dishes and laundry. There are also days I am just bored out of my mind with the material I have to read for an assignment. All in all, not much to complain about!

Today has been a balanced day. I got some reading done and an assignment out of the way. I also helped a person feel good as well as rescued my friend C from another existential crisis.

I am not sure if I ever mentioned here that I have been volunteering at a special needs school once a week since September?! Maybe not!! And I am. When I think of the kind of teacher I want to be, it would most definitely be where I can make the most difference. Working with special needs children requires a lot of patience and a good set of communication skills. I think I have a bit of both and that’s a good start. I also realized that real communication really involves listening more than talking. So while I am at the school, once a week, I listen to everything extra carefully. Last November, I heard in the morning announcements that the school was in “desperate need of plastic bags”. I was like why?! It led me off on an investigation and that led me to starting a donation campaign at Hans’ school and eventually dropping off all the donated items at the special needs school. Today, one of the staff members from that school dropped off breakfast for all of the staff at Hans’ school as a thank you! This woman will be retiring in November and she let me know that in her entire career at the special needs school, no one had shown such generosity as did the community at Hans’ school. It was a wonderful feeling to know that this woman got to experience something that moved her before she retired.

If I hadn’t been listening to those morning announcements in November, she wouldn’t have had her moment today.

Even as I was making a mental note to let the boys know that they must cultivate their listening skills, I got a text from my friend C. When I read it, I knew that I must be on standby just in case she needs my ears for a therapeutic chat. While I waited for her to call me, I got an assignment out of the way. It was the one I was putting off for the last 2 or 3 days. Felt good and then the call came through. Time to make my friend feel good as well! We each got a McDonald’s meal, ate every French Fry, felt disgusted and felt happy. Crisis dealt with and my friend’s world is back to normal.

Listening is really important. I think I am a good listener, however when I hear something that needs to be done, I am off and running with it. It has gotten me into trouble with friends when they were simply sharing something and I felt the need to do something about it without their permission. Sometimes it is good to just listen and do nothing!

The gist of the post is that listening is really what constitutes most of purposeful communication. It is also good to ask relevant questions while listening. I am still learning about communication and still making mistakes at 40+. And that’s OK. Hopefully, the boys learn from my mistakes and get to that place where communication becomes a fine art form for them.

Eventually, it is those who listen and have the relevant information that will do well in life!