A retrospective moment

The firstborns have it the toughest. They have parents who are rookies and who are not entirely sure if they are on the right parenting path?! They also have to be role models if the said parents decide to try parenting again to rectify some preliminary mistakes and feel good about themselves. Firstborns are left with scars from certain trial and error methods parents indulge in. If they are lucky, they are born to parents with great instincts and survive with little need for therapy!

This morning, ASid asked me to sign a sheet that had a list of the Grade 12 courses he chose for his last year of high school. It was a defining moment for me as a parent. This is my firstborn and he is almost at the end of his public school education and barely a year and a half from post-secondary education. Where is he going to go and what is he going to do with his life?! As his mother, I am both proud and nervous. ASid has had quite the life. Even though his entire life has been in Toronto, he has been to 6 different schools and 4 different programs. All through those transitions, he has relied on himself. It did not matter who made the choices for ASid, he hasn't let anyone down. Now he is making the choices all by himself. He asks for an opinion here and there, but he is flying solo.

This morning, it hit me that this child of mine made parenting so easy for me. He asked for very little and got a lot done with that very little. Even as I am nervous for the next few months where we will find out about ASid's next flight, I am confident that this child of mine will soar high. He has fumbled a little bit in the recent past, but he is aware of it. Even though we have offered him help and support, he wants to own his successes and be responsible for his failures. Can't say that I don't admire that about him!

Today, he will be handing that sheet in with the courses he picked for Grade 12. How well he does on those courses will determine if he can get into the program of his choice.

This morning, I let ASid know that what matters to me is that he sleeps well and eats properly. On the same note, I let him know that I am afraid for him to leave home and go off to somewhere where no one cares about how well he has slept or if he has eaten at all?! And then, I also stated that I must let him go so he may falter and fail and find himself?! I was honest about how inadequate I feel as a parent at this point in his life where he needs me to perhaps help him make those tough choices.

All this child of mine did was to smile and shake his head. It was his nonverbal way of assuring me that he will be OK and I shouldn't worry too much!

But worrying is part of parenting. Have I done enough?! What haven’t I done?!

And letting go is part of parenting as well. I might get there one day, but isn’t parenting a lifetime commitment?! Just want the boys to know that the world is theirs to explore, but they can always come home when they need a break.