19 and 12

19 and 12 are the ages of ASid and Hans respectively. This year has been life changing for most of us and it hasn’t been different for the boys.

ASid has been living with his girlfriend on and off, depending on if she is in the country or not. This academic year, second year of university, both the kids got themselves teaching assistant jobs and are raking in the money. About a grand a month at 19 is nothing to sneeze at - it opens up exciting possibilities as well as makes one feel certain responsibilities. My friend C’s advice was to have ASid put away an amount per pay cheque - something like “pay himself first”. My dad’s response was - “why does the boy need to work?”. I conveyed both the messages to ASid. Right now, he is in the spending mode. He is not really listening to anyone. He wants to buy his younger brother a PS5 and his grandmother a Louis Vuitton handbag.

The boy still has his heart in the right place and that invariably warms my own heart.

Hans has had to deal with a fulltime working mom for the first time - on his own and without his brother by his side. The boy has done a remarkable job. He is a preteen and he has warned me that he could snap at me some days and I shouldn’t take it personally. He has also assured me that a year or 2 more, and he wouldn’t need me anymore.

Both of Hans’ proclamations made me glad and sad at the same time.

Today, Thursday, December 31, 2020, is my dad’s last day at work. He is officially retiring. My dad started working at 17 and finally, at 70, he is calling it a day! I am not sure what he will do with the extra time. His dream was to retire and spend more time with his grandkids. I barely see ASid, and Hans is in his own world. Luckily, for my dad, he has another grandkid - my nephew RoV is 6, and still quite excited to spend time with grandparents.

Time does fly. Even crazy 2020 flew by. It is a reminder for me to focus on the best and the most positive that life has to offer, and take the time to enjoy that!

Have a good one everyone!

A 2020 Miracle

Hans has a classmate who lives a little diagonally across from us - it takes less than a minute’s walk from our door to their door. I think the mom is great and always lamented the fact that Hans hated the boy’s guts. We, the moms, wondered if our boys would ever get along.

When the pandemic was declared in March and Toronto went into lockdown, Hans would see this boy ride around the neighbourhood on his own. Strangely, Hans also rode around the neighbourhood by himself. An entire summer went by and the boys didn’t cross paths. Then school started and the boys were in the same class after a year’s break. Hans expressed some disappointment. I also felt a bit of disappointment that even a year’s break didn’t change Hans’ perspective on this boy.

At the beginning of this month, I observed Hans take a different route to his school. This route was the one that he avoided as it takes him in front of this boy’s home, and Hans didn’t want any awkward encounters. However, I noticed that Hans actually looked at the door of this boy’s home as he walked past it. Nothing actually happened for a couple of days and then one day, the boy came running out of his home screaming for Hans to wait for him. Hans walked back to meet him half way and then the boys walked to school together.

I cannot describe the joy I felt watching Hans walk with another child his age. It has been so isolating during the last 9 months, and it was wonderful to see Hans NOT walk alone.

A few minutes ago, we drove past this boy’s home and I saw his mother in the driveway. I asked Craigley to “roll down the window” and then I shouted to her, “Our boys are walking together!”. She smiled the biggest smile. 

She had the same joy on her face that I felt a few days ago.

One of my students recently remarked that it is not easy to be happy these days. I agreed with her. However, I told her and the rest of the class that we can try doing things that make us feel good about life - we can give someone a second chance or we can say a kind word or two to anyone when we can.

Small deeds can have big impacts.

Bending over backwards until the back breaks

The thought of a back breaking is bad enough and it is tragic when it is self-inflicted to accommodate somebody!

We live in an extremely sensitive world where we have to be careful about what we say - it is beyond politically correct and it is a new age of cancel culture. People of colour and parents with children with special needs continue to fight their personal and collective battles against a world that has often overlooked them or marginalized them. I understand. I am teaching the history of Canada now, and I am learning about the treatment of First Nations people in the last 150+ years.

Advocacy of minorities becomes an essential means to win some battles.

Right now, I would love to advocate on behalf of the 10 students I have in my class with IEPs (Individual Education Plans); however, I am simply trying to do my best for all of them given my lack of experience with special education. The last 2 days, I had an opportunity to speak with 8 of the 10 parents, with children with special needs, who signed up for parent-teacher interviews. 7 out of 8 were thankful to have a teacher who cares and were willing to work with me to support their children.

Then, there is the one parent who hates me and this is not an exaggeration - I had another teacher attend this particular meeting with me and he agreed with me.

This is the parent who gives me major anxiety. She has written several emails to all the prominent people on the school board as well as to me (while CCing all the prominent people on the school board plus advocacy groups and the Human Rights Commission) about my incompetence. Out of a class of 26 students with various needs that I am trying desperately to meet, somehow I am failing this parent’s child consistently.

The child attends class regularly, approaches me for help and engages in class discussions.

I believe that the child’s mental health and wellbeing are being taken care of - we are in the middle of a pandemic; trapped in our homes for a very long time. Virtual School was created out of nothing to accommodate students who need to be home for many different reasons. There were delays and there was a teacher shortage. Some of us stepped up to fill the gaps. Some of us are putting in hours every single day including weekends to ensure students get the maximum out of this setup.

And yet, this one parent is not even a bit understanding of the situation we are all in. At this point in time, I am trying to save my spirit from being broken. The teacher who was on the call with me told me not to take it personally and it is only 6 more months and this would all end!

40 Days + One

Last Thursday, November 26^th, I shared with my students that it was my 40^th day of teaching in Virtual School and shared the word “Quarantine” and its origins to commemorate my milestone. If it had been in real life, I would have definitely done something more upbeat!

Acknowledging the completion of 40 days was a way for me to celebrate my survival in Virtual School. Each day I want to quit and wish desperately for the pandemic to end. Each morning I wake up and read the “rants” of various teachers on Twitter and realize that I am not alone. I have rants in double quotation marks because that is what it may seem like for others who are not in the teaching profession and who are not in Virtual School. However, this is some teachers' reality and they are honestly talking about their professional lives as they have no time left for their personal lives!

This was the academic year I was going to support Hans with anything and everything. However, the boy is flying solo. And the sweetest part is that we seem to have switched roles - he keeps checking on me. I have lost count of the many times he has asked me, “How are you doing mom?” OR “Are you OK mom?”. Some nights, he has hugged me to give me strength as I sat, looking lost, in front of my laptop (that my mom financed). Those are the days and nights I told/tell myself that this situation is temporary and there will be an end. 

Our lives are temporary too and I am glad mine is filled with the love and support of my family and friends and recently, neighbours and even perfect strangers. So, I have decided to celebrate the 45^th day, the 50^th and so on and so forth.

My messy home

My home has never been immaculately clean. It has always been somewhat messy; but now, it is really messy. It has become an analogy of sorts to what I feel in my head these days!

 

This is not another complaining session. This is me sharing concerns based on my observations this month. I started teaching online on October 1st, 2020 and today, it is October 31st, 2020.

 

I made it; however it is only one month down and 8 more to go! I don't feel like a winner! I guess I am simply a survivor!

 

And I am mostly in survival mode right now. I barely write for myself and I don’t tutor anymore. I do not call my brother or my parents, and I don’t check in with my family and friends. I have no time to cook and just about enough time to do some laundry - first priority is Hans here. Talking of whom, the boy has been very accommodating of my new way of life. He helps me with grocery shopping and chooses what he wants for breakfast and for lunch, for the week. It has made my mornings easy. ASid, on the other hand, is not home. That has been the best arrangement for both of us! He has a full course load and he is also a Teaching Assistant - he does not need Momley drama added to his plate. And Craigley has been in his own bubble since mid-March and he continues to exist within it.

 

I guess that is my personal update. I am not really concerned about my messy home. My concern is with my messed-up mind!

 

At the end of each day, I feel like I will fall apart mentally. I am responsible for 27 students - 24 are online, 2 have chosen to be exempt from synchronous learning and 1 is missing. Yes! I started with 32 students and some of them chose to switch to in person learning after the Thanksgiving weekend. I believe they chose wisely. The only fear they have is the eponymous virus and maybe a bully or a smelly school! But they have human contact even when it is a contactless environment. They can look at other kids their age and know that they are not alone!

 

Online is a lonely place. If I feel that way, I wonder how many of my students feel that way?!

 

Yesterday, I attended my first staff meeting. I got to “see” the other 51 Grade 8 teachers who are in the same learning centre as me (There are 4 learning centres in the Toronto District School Board). Some teachers were frustrated. There was a teacher who has taught Grade 8 for a decade and she was just as frustrated with how she is unable to transfer her knowledge to teach effectively online! If she feels that way, what about the teachers who are teaching Grade 8 (or any grade) for the first time ever! I know how that feels. I am learning curriculum the day before and teaching it the next day!

 

I haven’t done Prime Factorization in over 30 years. The home country I come from exempted me from Math after Grade 10! So, here I am, a terrified teacher teaching Math to a class where at least a third (if not half) of the students are terrified of Math!

 

I can’t see the faces of these kids. I hear a voice or 2 sometimes. All I can do is reassure them that most everything they are going through is temporary and they don’t have to deal with this for the rest of their lives. I feel for these kids. They are not getting the education they deserve and they do not have a teacher they deserve. We completed an entire chapter on Work and none of us have ever seen a spring scale for real - I showed them YouTube videos on how to use a spring scale to measure Force. I told them to imagine being in a laboratory!

 

This is my unsettling reality. The reason for my messed-up mind!

 

Out of the 26 students I do “see” on a daily basis, 9 of them have special needs. They need a special education teacher who knows what she is doing and who can meet at least half the special needs - they really need a special education team who can help all of them! My missing student also has special needs, but the concern right now is to find that student. A social worker could be involved and maybe more people. That is the reality for this child - only 12 or 13 and missing in action at school!

 

It makes me sad that these kids are off to high school in less than a year where they can fail a subject for the first time. Am I preparing them adequately for that reality? I don’t know. It is a messed-up situation.

 

Meanwhile ... IRL

Apparently IRL or irl is “in real life”! I am learning the chat lingo from my Grade 8 students who will all be 13 years old at the end of 2020. Newly minted teenagers seem to take irreverent pride in their new title. They have also called me a boomer! ‘Nuff with that!

 

So what has been happening in real life? Mostly, I have been neglecting it or shelving parts of it. We were supposed to start and finish a window replacement project between October 9^th and the 22^nd. However, since I started teaching online on the 1^st and couldn’t afford to take a break, the window replacement project has been postponed to sometime next year. I actually started cleaning up in preparation and now, that is on hold as well.

 

Even as I am cancelling and postponing some events and projects, I cannot stop everything. Thanksgiving was different, but delightful. My brother, my sister-in-law and my nephew, who usually host a lunch at their home, decided to drop off dinner packages to family members. It was heartwarming to “share” the same meal in 5 different homes.

 

ASid also came home for Thanksgiving. He arrived on the Day and left yesterday. Although I neglected the boy, it was wonderful to have him home. Hans also had an opportunity to stay home the whole week as he came down with his semi-annual cold and cough. So the house was full and Momley was busy. Somehow, we all survived and managed to eat at least one family meal together on Friday night.

 

I finally understand what working moms deal with. I cannot talk for every working mom, but I feel a lot of guilt - I don’t have time to listen to my own kids and I don’t call my family and friends anymore. Maybe the transition will take a few more days before I am able to balance my new responsibilities with my personal life.

 

I miss my life.

 

At this point in time, if I have to look back and rethink all the decisions I made in the last 20 years … I would NOT change anything. If this pandemic has taught me something, it is just that! Money comes and goes. I only have one life and I only have one each of my family and my friends. They are irreplaceable. Also, Time is the most precious commodity. Time lost is lost forever.

 

On that note, I take leave. Today, there are no regrets and no complaints.

 

Virtual Saga: Trilogy Conclusion

I survived my first full week of teaching online. I am happy to be alive and able to write about it.

 

Here is the grim reality of Virtual School. Teachers have to implement 240 minutes of synchronous learning. They talk about group work, but apparently each group needs supervision which is impossible. For example, I can break my class into smaller groups and send them off into “breakout rooms”; however, I am supposed to keep an eye on all the groups! It is a safety issue - what if a student gets cyberbullied and what if students use inappropriate language while in those groups? So, that means I am stuck with the Socratic method of teaching! Just imagine that! On top of this, there are no pleasant breaks for Phys Ed, Art, Music or French. It is Language, Math, Science and Social Studies - 4 subjects coming at the students every single day from 1 teacher in an almost regimented way.

 

Obviously, the above is true for my Grade 8 class. I can’t speak for other teachers and other virtual classrooms.

 

Virtual School requires skills that some seasoned teachers may lack. These teachers have knowledge and experience and a great collection of resources which could definitely help; but they need to feel comfortable with technology and a new approach to teaching. For example, in a classroom, when students finish the work assigned to them quickly, teachers can ask them to read a book or give them a worksheet to do to keep them busy while they wait for the rest of the class to finish. Online, it doesn’t work quite that way - if a student gets assigned independent work, that student could figuratively “leave the building”!

 

Then there is the very real reality of the dreaded word - equity. My students are from a “high needs” neighbourhood. Not even a quarter of them have cameras on their devices. I have seen only 4 faces. Half of them or even more do not have microphones. I have heard maybe 6 voices. It is a mostly faceless and voiceless classroom. The students are typing away furiously and I am trying to read as the Public Chat scrolls down rather fast and messages “disappear” from the screen. Their internet connections are laggy and sometimes they can’t hear me. How much are these kids really learning?

 

I have my own challenges as I don’t have resources. I have spent about $400 or so, within the last 10 days, buying textbooks and other material. I found out 2 or 3 days ago what my pay looks like. Since I am a new teacher, I am at the lowest end. When I break it down by the hour (based on my 12-14 hours day), I will make way less than minimum wage for the next 9 months. My contract ends on June 29, 2021.

 

I hope the pandemic ends before that!

 

Since this is the Canadian Thanksgiving weekend, I want to end on a thankful note. The last student to leave the classroom yesterday left the following note for me:

 

“Have a great thanksgiving Ms T You deserve it You are a great teacher”

 

That’s exactly how it was written on the “whiteboard” in paint. That’s one kid’s kind words. I will take that for now and keep going!

 

Virtually. Alone.

“Fake News” became very real news immediately. A little later, on Saturday, Sep 26th, I was sent an email that requested me to “please take a moment to review the many resources available”. On Sunday, Sep 27th, I received 2 emails containing identical lists of student names and related information. I find out on a weekend that I am teaching a Grade 8 class of 32 students! I have never been a classroom teacher ever before and then suddenly, I am responsible for a grade that is at the periphery of my comfort circle!

 

I was in "training" from Monday to Wednesday, which was pretty much, me taking the time to sign up for webinars intuitively without any guidance. They don't even mention the order in which to watch/participate in these webinars.

 

Wednesday, Sep 30th evening, I sent an email to the 32 students and their parents letting them know I am the teacher that has been assigned to them. One parent who has a child with Autism responded right away and sent me a 27-page IEP.  Another parent with twins, both with special needs, also responded immediately. Then, I find out I have 12 students with IEPs out of my class of 32 students!

 

The second parent with twins connected me to her children’s former teacher. When I spoke with this teacher, she was my first human contact and I bawled like a baby. She let me let it all out, a perfect stranger, and promised to support me in any way she could.

 

At this point, I must mention 2 individuals who also reached out and indicated that they were there to help - one of Hans' former teachers and my friend C’s mother. I am thankful for any bit of support.

 

I chose Thursday as Day 1. I decided to go in - ready or not. I felt so bad for these kids who were starting on Oct 1st - so late! But I felt bad for me too! I had Grade 8 and I am responsible for teaching English, Math, Science and Social Studies! The last Math course I took was in high school about 30 years ago. How am I going to do this?

 

I was prepping lesson plans and assignments on the fly! Friday, Oct 2nd, I was at my laptop for 14 straight hours - 7 am to 9 pm - and still felt clueless!! Most of yesterday, Saturday, went into looking at various Math resources and websites.

 

The parent of the child with Autism thinks I am incompetent. I reached out to talk with her Wednesday night and she used everything I shared honestly, in a letter to the principal and the superintendent and various special education personnel portraying me as some sort of helpless and useless being. Now, I have a meeting with a Spec Ed consultant tomorrow, Monday, Oct 5th.

 

I respect and admire parents who advocate on behalf of their children. However, at this point in time, I would like some understanding and some time to get to a point where I can be useful and helpful to all the students assigned to me. Throwing so many things at me all at once will only overwhelm me and make me want to quit!

 

I am struggling with everything. I have been so stressed out and wanted to give up several times and cried a few times...

 

I found out yesterday that a few teachers have resigned from Virtual School. I may be given more students to ensure they have a teacher. I will stick around because I care. I am a mother and I am a teacher. I hope that matters.

 

I hope I can write a more positive update next time.

Virtual Offers and Acceptances

A few weeks ago, the Toronto District School Board (TDSB) sent an email to all Occasional Teachers (OTs) to apply for online contract teaching positions at their Virtual Schools. I did not respond as the TDSB hires based on seniority and I am at the bottom of that list as supposedly there are 3000+ OTs floating around Toronto. I have been an OT only since January 2019.

 

Then, on Sunday, Sep 20th, I logged into my TDSB email account to find an email requesting OTs to show their interest in an online teaching opportunity … again! The deadline to respond was set for 4 pm on Sep 20th and the email had been sent the day before, on Saturday, Sep 19th at 12:24 pm. Wow! Business being conducted on a weekend! That reeked of desperation and I decided to apply this time!

 

The email clearly stated the following:

 

"- email offers will start immediately and will conclude on Wednesday, September 23, 2020 at 6:00 PM."

 

That day and time, came and went. I spent a disappointed Thursday wallowing in self-pity. I decided to accept a supply teaching opportunity for Friday and get back to actually working instead of waiting for work. As I logged onto my computer, I found a job offer waiting for me from the TDSB that clearly stated that an "intent to accept or decline this offer via the google link below no later than September 25, 2020 at 12 Noon." That email was sent the night before at 10:47 pm.

 

Obviously, I accepted the offer. I haven't heard anything else from the TDSB since then! This almost feels like "fake news". It is weird not to have any "human contact" - there wasn't even a name on the Google Doc I was sent. All I was required to do was accept or decline by clicking into one of the options provided, and enter my TDSB employee number.

 

This has been one of the strangest experiences of my life. Part of me wants to celebrate and part of me is not so sure!

 

I have decided to wait for a day or two or more … 

 

With friends like these ...

Hans has started watching Friends' reruns lately.

 

Last night, I mentioned to him that we could look at people we know and place them in 1 of the 6 "Friend Types". He immediately wondered what type I was?! I told him that I cannot relate to any of the Friends. His prompt response was a question - "Because they are all good looking?"

 

That hurt a bit, but I retaliated just as swiftly!

 

"Well, I will let you know that I had many admirers!"

 

His comeback, "So people from your country like chubby girls!"

 

"Let me tell you that even in Canada, I had men from various racial and cultural backgrounds interested in me!"

 

His retort, "And you married dad!"

 

I expected Hans to say something about how nice and kind a person I am and that people would naturally be interested in me! But he was like "I am telling you the truth mom!"

 

Where has my sweet boy gone?

 

Before he went to bed, Hans said the following to me:

 

“No one cares about who you are. People only care about how you look. Welcome to the 2000s. Everyone is a bully.”

 

At the end of the day, after Hans reflected on our conversation and came up with that (as an apology or an explanation), it is a sad world my boy lives in.

 

NOT "same old same old"

Today was Hans' first day back to school. I decided to walk with him - I told him it was more for me than for him! So, we did walk together this morning. After he came back home, Hans casually mentioned that he was the loser who walked to school with his mom! That hurt! I quickly asked him if it would have been OK if I had driven him to school?! I only got silence in response.

What's with some kids who don't want to be seen with their parents in the open?!

Last week, Craigley, Hans and I dropped off ASid at Mary's residence. Prior to the drop-off, ASid and I had an argument and I declared that I should stay home, and he could go with his dad and brother. After a bit of silence, followed by a brief exchange of words, ASid insisted that I accompany him. I am glad he did. The 2 of us got to do some grocery shopping after many months and it was a pleasant ride with the 4 of us together. I was also happy to see Mary. She brought back edible gifts for the family from her home country and she was waiting to hand them to me. If I had chosen to stay home in anger and self-pity, I would have missed making some precious memories.

ASid is 19 and still a teenager in some ways, but he seemed to have developed a desire to make me part of his life. Hans is 12 and I guess he is at that age where he wants to break free from the maternal strings attached to him.

If I have learned anything from the pandemic, it is to count my blessings. The boys will go through their own emotional ups and downs while I am going through mine. I must not take words said in the heat of the moment too personally and I must definitely not dwell on one word so it could ruin an entire day!

Manufactured Intelligence

I recently told ASid that I am proud of him for being an independent student and achieving his academic success on his own.

 

Obviously, as parents, Craigley and I made some choices for ASid initially. We chose early French Immersion for him before he turned 5. We also decided to transfer to a French school board for Grade 4, but we moved him back to the TDSB in Grade 5 when he made the request.

 

We never had to help him with homework or prep him for tests. All his failures and successes are his own. We also spent very little money on the boy. The most was for his piano lessons at Yamaha which were very reasonable.

 

ASid will be starting 2nd year of university next week.

 

When I look back on the last 19 years with ASid, I would have to honestly admit that the boy didn’t really need us for school work; however, he recently confided that he needed us on an emotional level and he was glad that we were there for him. By “we”, he meant his family and extended family that includes my parents and my brother.

 

Recently, 2 kids I know are being lauded for their own academic achievements - one was ranked number 1 in a nationwide Math test and the other did well on his SSAT and got accepted into a prestigious program for Grade 7. I was happy for the parents and the children. Then, I also thought about the individual journeys of the 2 kids. The first one is an only child who has had tutors for almost every subject taught at school. Instead of spending money on a private school, his parents spend money on tutors. The second one has a competitive personality. He also has tutors as well as a private school education. It would be tragic if the 2 kids didn’t do well given the advantage their parents’ involvement and wealth provides!

 

In all fairness, some kids fail even with all the support in the world. The kids that do make it with all the support in the world - do they understand and appreciate what they have?

 

Not all of us have the same advantages. I could neither imagine nor afford a private school education for ASid or Hans; however, I searched for the “best” within the public school system and moved into an affluent neighbourhood and took on a superior mortgage! ASid opted to go to a high school with an hour and a half commute, each way, from our home. The neighbourhood eventually played an insignificant role in his academic journey.

 

I guess we lucked out with ASid. I wonder how we will do with Hans?! So far, the boy has been independent with his school work. He got his first C on his last report card. Do I get him a French tutor or do I let him own his failures and successes?! Hans is heading into Grade 7 - an important year where his report card needs to be pristine if he wants to apply to the handful of specialized high school programs that are available to all students within the TDSB.

 

For now, I will leave it to the boy and wait for him to ask for help if he needs it. Of course, I will offer help as necessary.

 

A few years ago, I heard a woman exclaim how intelligent her husband was. Her mother-in-law quietly retorted that the former had no idea how much money was spent on making her husband that intelligent!

 

Kinders in my home

I have been tutoring for 6 weeks now. I started with 3 kids from 3 families and now I have 5 kids from the same 3 families. The parents decided to add the younger siblings. So, for the first time, I am tutoring the JK/SK age group.

 

Initially, I flat out refused. I wasn't sure of my own abilities. Also, I wasn't sure if those kids actually needed any lessons. After 3 weeks of working with the young ones, I can honestly say that distance learning does not work with kindergartners. It will most likely work when a parent or a caregiver is involved in the process and provides adequate support to the child as necessary. Otherwise learning does not occur.

 

I can relate to certain concerns out there that this batch of JK/SK children will not have a strong basic foundation to build on - they had the last school year (which was their first school year) disrupted and they are looking at the upcoming school year wrought with fundamental disagreements and disputes between educators and politicians.

 

ASid recently remarked that he felt “under prepared” for his first year of university. It was strange hearing that phrase from a student who was in an enriched high school program. ASid actually did a few AP (Advancement Placement) exams in his last 2 years of high school and did well on them. They are supposed to be equivalent to first year university courses. However, after meeting some international students, ASid felt that their knowledge of certain subjects was superior to his own. ASid, since then, has been very vocal about wanting to see some changes in how curriculum is being taught in Canadian schools.

 

Maybe people in education should be consulting with first year college and university students across Canada to receive some constructive feedback on high school curriculum.

 

Meanwhile, as a parent who observed Hans participate in distance learning, I found out that it works to an extent with older students. They don’t need as much parental support; however, they don’t have balanced learning outcomes. Hans continued to do well in Math and never got a chance to improve in French. It was disheartening for him to see his first ever C! Now, he has doubts about his preparedness for high school! Thankfully it is 2 years away and hopefully there is time for damage control.

 

I am sure some parents are feeling that way as well - wondering if their children are adequately prepared for the next phase in their academic lives.

 

On that note, I am glad I took on the 2 little ones as my students. I feel like I am making a tiny drop of difference in the vast ocean of education.

 

Perhaps I should be writing “world of education”, but I will stick with my metaphor.

 

Recalling a few embarrassing moments

Why would I want to share embarrassing moments with my kids or anyone? I guess it is an opportunity to connect with peeps that have experienced similar moments, and allow ourselves to have a collective laugh and feel like a member of a team.

 

Today, I got on a TTC bus and my Presto card got declined. I tried a couple of times with the same result. The driver wanted to know if I could perhaps pay with cash. I usually never have cash on me. I didn't even bother to check. I immediately asked him if I could use a credit card. (What the?!) With a sigh of exasperation, the man told me that I could have a free ride and I should reload my card. Although I had a mask on and there were less than half a dozen commuters on the bus, I felt like all eyes were on me and judging me for fare evasion. The driver could have asked me to get off, but he didn't. He was kind. I must focus on that!

 

Over the weekend, I was at Costco after many moons. Being there reminded me of a super embarrassing moment I had at one of their stores. This happened 3 or more years ago. Between G and me, we didn't have a Costco card. Since our trips were usually for school events and only occurred twice a year, I decided to borrow Craigley's card. G and Craigley are from different racial and cultural backgrounds and have nothing in common except perhaps for their receding hairlines. For some reason, I was confident that that should be enough! It worked the first time and the second time, the cashier gently pointed out to me that I must not be using someone else's card. It was an excruciatingly embarrassing moment. I immediately fixed it by gifting G a Costco card. I had to atone for my sin!

 

The final one I wish to share is the very first embarrassing moment that occurred in Canada almost immediately after I landed in 1992. High school was interesting. First of all, I started in October and had a lot to catch up on with my 3 Grade 13 (OAC) courses. Writer's Craft was the most fun. The teacher scheduled 2 movie outings. For the first one, some students were taking the public transit and some were driving themselves. Don’t know how, I ended up with 3 boys in their car. I somehow got separated from the group walking to the bus stop as I wasn't aware of the dual modes of transport. The 3 boys did not know what to do and then, they kindly allowed me to accompany them. If they had asked me to leave, I would have missed the bus for sure. The movie we watched was "The Crying Game". That day, the entire class was sympathetic to me for many reasons. They felt that it was too shocking of a movie for a newcomer to Canada to watch. A few weeks later, we watched "Aladdin" and some of my classmates remarked that it was great that they got a chance to redeem themselves by taking me to a Canadian movie! Now when I look back on it all, the most embarrassing bit was about Aladdin being passed off as a Canadian movie!

 

Those are the three I chose to share here. I am sure the boys, my family, my friends and Craigley can add to the list when they get here sometime in the future. If anyone wonders why I wrote this post, it is really to draw attention to the kindness of people in each of the situations.

 

A bit here and a bit there

For my most recent birthday, quite a few of my friends went all out. My friend Kay started it by driving a bit of a distance to procure a one of a kind cake! On the actual day, C dropped off 3 boxes of ice cream. Another friend had a dozen mini donuts delivered to my home.

 

Hans quietly remarked that it felt like Craigley's birthday was being celebrated a second time!

 

Craigley loves cake, ice cream and desserts. On the other hand, I like anything savoury. Give me tortilla chips with a homemade 7 layer dip, and I am in snack heaven. I will also eat French fries in my sleep and if they are accompanied by hot mustard, I would consider it a dream come true.

 

However, I digress.

 

My parents and my brother are always on track with my birthday gifts. They write the nicest words on an envelope (my parents) or find a card with the nicest words and add some more (my brother). Then, they throw in cash for good measure. My parents hope I use the cash to do some personal shopping. My brother has no such conditions!

 

More so than ever before, I feel lucky to have been born into a family that is as nice as mine.

 

The gifts continued to appear after my birthday. There are 2 notable ones. My friend C decided to buy me a digital voice recorder. She wanted to give me something that could help with my writing. She knows that I have been diagnosed with Palindromic Rheumatism. Today, ASid gave me an iPad.

 

At this point in the post, I will intentionally digress.

 

8 years ago, in May 2012, Craigley got me my first iPad. He had the words "All You Need is Love" engraved at the back of it. Since he is a big-time Beatles' fan, it would make sense to most people. Some may reflect on the irony of those words. However, those words were merely chosen as an inside joke. Craigley worked for BlackBerry at that time and that was the song the company was using to promote the Playbook which was their version of an iPad.

 

It was as if Craigley was comforting himself with the thought that he may have given into temptation, but he didn't sell his soul to the devil in the process.

 

A few hours ago, I unboxed my second iPad. ASid had the following words engraved at the back of it.

 

"If I should leave you

Try to remember the good times"

 

They are lyrics from a song titled "Little Bit of Rain".

 

Recently, ASid and I binge watched a British series that had a beautiful selection of songs play through each episode. Of all the songs we got to listen to, my most favourite was "Little Bit of Rain" and those 2 lines made me a little emotional.

 

The boy remembered.

 

I have received many gifts during my lifetime. The ones I cherish the most are the gifts of Time.

 

A little bit here and a little bit there

Lovely little treasures to revisit in my head
 

The Pot and the Kettle

Craigley has this habit of taking a nap right after dinner and waking up just before everyone else is ready to retire for the day. Craigley can take multiple naps in a day. The number of naps he takes determines the number of hours he could be awake during nighttime.

 

I am a light sleeper. I have a tendency to wake up at the slightest of sounds. That means I wake up several times on any given night based on Craigley's nocturnal activity levels. The noises that are the most disturbing originate from the kitchen and the washroom.

 

Since ASid moved back home because of Mary moving back to her home country, he seems to be functioning on a different time zone. He is up most of the night chatting with Mary who is miles away. When it is time for most of us, in this part of the world, to wake up … the boy blissfully falls asleep.

 

I have been coping well with both father and son disturbing my sleep. So, I share the following with amusement.

 

2 dawns ago, around 3 am, I was awakened by Craigley knocking on ASid's door to tell him that he is really loud and he could wake his Momley up.

 

I had the intense desire to tell the pot to leave the kettle alone! However, I decided to ignore both of them and save what was left of my sleep.

 

21 and done!

Approximately 3 decades ago, my dad bought me a biography on Lee Iacocca. Although I enjoyed fiction at that time, I read that book and liked it very much. However, recently, all I could recall from the book was that Iacocca worked for Ford and he came up with something called "31 and out". I Googled that phrase to refresh my memory and got nothing in return!

 

Maybe my memory has jumbled some details and numbers ...

 

The idea behind "31 and out", as I remember it, was to encourage employees at Ford to retire after working for 31 years! Obviously, they had incentives in terms of great retirement benefits. This also ensured employment opportunities at Ford for the next generation!

 

Obviously, I could be wrong about it all. I am working from a memory from about 30 years ago.

 

I am not entirely sure why I brought up an unreliable memory from many moons ago?! Maybe to use it as a cool segue into what I did 2 weeks ago!! On July 2nd, I resigned from my content coordinator role with the local magazine. At that point in time, I had just submitted content for the August issue which will be my 21st issue.

 

I can't believe I worked almost 2 years with the magazine. I got to learn a lot. The most valuable lesson I learnt is that I could totally use an editor for my writing. I am sure some readers of this blog would concur with me on that one.

 

Other than that, I also realized that I am not such a good writer. I am good at retelling, but I am not really creative or imaginative. The boys would love for me to be the next J.K.R; however, this is all they may end up with.

 

On a positive note, another mom, with 2 boys and who writes a blog about her life, will most likely be taking over the content coordinator role. She lives in the same neighbourhood as I do. I have read her blog posts and I think she is a superior writer than I am. So I believe the magazine will be in good hands.

 

Alright, I am no Iacocca; however, I have been inspired by him. If I hadn't called it a day, there wouldn't have been an opportunity for this other mom to try something she likes.

 

31 and out … 21 and done … whatever makes room for another.

 

Closer to 50 than ever before

With a birthday coming up, there is always an inherent need to do some life inventory. This is not really meant to be a blanket statement for all of humankind, just this one kind! 

In terms of health, I am probably doing better than what I captured in a melodramatic post from a couple of months ago. I did see a specialist twice and the official diagnosis is Palindromic Rheumatism which is not as bad as Rheumatoid Arthritis. For that, I am thankful. 

In terms of mental health, I feel like I am losing it some days. The pandemic has definitely added a bit of anxiety and paranoia to my active imagination which will take more than a few days to get back to “normal”! 

I guess that means I am alive and well and mostly in good health and good spirits. 

Before I wrap up, I just feel like sharing a moment I had with Lady A. She mentioned something about chickens that she has. She has mentioned them before; but if I don’t actually see them, it is difficult to remember something said in passing. Lady A mentioned that she gets brown eggs from her brown/red chickens and white eggs from her white chickens. We had a lengthy discussion about that by drawing parallels to race and the current conversation the world is engaged in. For some reason, I had this one question on my mind that I couldn’t wait to ask Lady A: “So you must have a rooster too?” I just assumed that a chicken needed a rooster to produce eggs! 

Lady A looked at me like I had gone mad before she calmly said, “That is such a dumbass question!” 

It was! I did feel dumb. Lady A quickly reminded me that my one dumb question is not a reflection of my overall general intelligence. I just wasn’t thinking! 

Of all my conversations with Lady A, this is the one that will stand out. The next day, Lady A sent me a text about “feeling like an idiot” when chatting with her daughter about some trendy drink. I let her know that it was OK. 

As we age, we may feel less informed than our kids. We may feel left out or left behind. We may even feel dumb at times. We just need to remind ourselves that it is OK. It is not the end of the world!