Anonymity

We choose to be anonymous for different reasons. I chose to be anonymous on this blog for very personal reasons. 

The first reason, obviously, are my boys. There is a natural instinct for any parent to protect his/her children. Just because I made the choice to "communicate" with them in such a public format does not mean they are not entitled to their privacy!

The second reason is one of hope. There will always be bias in any writing as we are a product of our experiences! However, my hope is that any mother or for that matter, any parent is able to relate to the writing on this blog and feel connected in some way. I don't feel the need to attach a black or white or brown or yellow or green face to this blog.

Having said that, I have lifted all sorts of restrictions from commenting on this blog! Before now, comments had to be moderated/approved by me…although there haven’t been any comments to date! Starting now, readers are free to comment…even the “anonymous” readers. Anonymity gives most of us strength to say things we dare not say otherwise. Anonymity (sometimes) also brings out the monsters in us where we are not ashamed to be our worst! However, I hope the readers of this blog choose to leave constructive feedback and share a dialogue.

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for more.

 

What's one's worth?

We have had an exciting couple of weeks in our family. Hans has been filming as a "background performer" or an "extra" for a new TVO show premiering in Fall. By the time Hans is done filming, he would have earned $300 at the rate of $50/day. It seems like a lot of money for a 5 year old child; it seems like a lot of money even from a 12 year old perspective!

Perhaps for the second time in his life, ASid felt a little insecure about himself. He told me that he is almost 7 years older than his brother and yet, he hasn't earned anything whereas Hans has already made money at such a young age! When I heard his concern, it immediately got me thinking. Where is this nonsense coming from? To my dismay, I am the culprit who has contaminated my child's thinking at such a tender age!

Even before I started my job search, I was beginning to feel like I was doing nothing by staying at home! This feeling crept in I believe when Hans started JK; I literally had (and still have) 5 and half hours to myself. It seemed like Craigley, other Mothers and sometimes, the whole world wanted to know what I was doing with that time. Perhaps that led me to that feeling of not doing anything. Somehow, it soon translated into being useful or not. And finally, I felt like I can only consider myself useful if I was able to use my time to do some work that paid me! I could do tons of work around my home and not feel like I contributed in a concrete sense. Money became the official measurement and it made me feel quite inadequate!

As I was going through this transition in my life, I may have had some emotional moments where I shared with Craigley and a couple of family members how I felt about my worth as an individual. Now that I am reflecting on the last few months, it is quite possible that ASid heard these conversations. In fact, I am ashamed to admit that I might have even equated earning respect with earning money! ‎What was I thinking? ... Unfortunately, I wasn't thinking.

I am so glad that my child feels comfortable enough to share his concerns with me. Since he did, I got a chance to rectify my mistake. I was able to communicate to him that it is erroneous to think that the only way to feel good about oneself is by earning money. ASid can be useful to the world by being a kind and considerate boy who helps his family, neighbours and community. Money is a necessity and eventually we have to work for it. He will be earning money too one day; he could make more or less than his brother. It shouldn't matter. What matters most is that he is a good person and he never makes others feel less than who they are!

Talking to my child made me feel better about myself too and as I continue to apply for jobs, I need to feel that way! Recently, my friend KPF lost his job. He decided to take a break and spend some time with friends and family. Even as I wish for him to get his next job quickly, I am glad he has this time and perhaps we can catch up?!

It is all in the perspective!

 

Friendships!

Recently I connected with some friends from "back home"; it is strange when people use that phrase as they are not really going back and it is probably not their home anymore! Anyways, I digress.

These friends of mine now live on 3 continents. ‎Thanks to advancements in telecommunications, we are able to chat without incurring much cost to any of us!

The last time I sat with these 4 friends of mine was in 1995. When we all connected 2 months ago, it didn't feel like 18 and a half years‎ have flown by. As we caught up with each other's lives, I felt like no time has passed at all!

On a daily basis, I feel more or less my real age; however, when chatting with my friends, I feel very young. I am transported to a time when all I worried about was school and perhaps a little bit about boys :)

Talking of boys...I want my boys, especially ASid, to cherish this time they have; make friendships and enjoy them. I hope they do!

Some of us, like Craigley, have the same 2 friends we have had from when we were 5. Some of us make friendships at every stage of our lives. Personally, I believe every friendship I formed has helped me get through some stage in my life. ‎My friends have been my strength when I needed it the most.

Today and every day I can, I want to celebrate ‎my friendships. Thank you all for being there for me!

 

(Final) Chucky Update (?)

If the 2 to 4 readers of this blog have been reading somewhat regularly, they are aware of my issues with Chucky. This 5 year old boy has made me feel quite uncomfortable as well as inadequate in a sense. It is difficult to express in words how I feel about how (perhaps) I failed this boy!

I have written previously about Chucky; however, today I can write about him with hope. A few days ago, Chucky’s mom called me. She wondered if I could be honest with her about Chucky. It was like all my prayers were answered. In the past, I did not know how to approach Chucky’s parents or how I could help. It literally drove me crazy that I did nothing. So, the call was like redemption. I tried to be as diplomatic as possible, but let Chucky’s mom know that he has issues with authority and that he could be aggressive at times. It was not the most pleasant of conversations and yet it made me feel better. I am relieved to know that Chucky will get help.

 

An Oscar Win!

In our home, 8:30pm is bed time for Hans. He was not at all happy. It seemed to him like the whole world was about to watch the Oscars except for him! His older brother sleeps an hour later and so ASid was allowed to watch the beginning of the show. As I helped Hans brush his teeth and get ready for bed, he tried to "escape" once and mostly expressed his displeasure for not being included with the rest of the family! Finally, I reminded him that I was not watching the Oscars either as I was with him! The kid drives me crazy sometimes!

There are times I lose my cool and there are times I am reminded of my own childhood. Luckily, I remembered and I decided to share an instance with Hans. I told him how I didn't have a TV at home when I was his age. I also told him how my mother walked with my brother and myself to someone's home so we could watch a movie that she watched when she was a child! Hans immediately told me that he felt sad for me. As he drifted off to sleep, he whispered, "I will give you the trophy mommy...when I win it...when I grow up". I assured him that I would keep it for him safely! He was soon asleep.

I felt like a winner as I caught up with Craigley and ASid.

 

Musings from a somewhat Working Mom(ley)

I wanted to go back to work when Hans started fulltime Junior Kindergarten. That was the “plan” and now, I have been made to realize that plans should have timelines and goals attached to them. In fact, they should be “action plans”! In all fairness, I have to admit that Hans’ first year of school flew by really quickly and I enjoyed every minute of it as well…we walked to school and back home together; we got to know Hans’ teachers, his classmates and their parents together and we learned to struggle together – whether it was with the mighty confusing Alphabet or with the prospect of going back into the “real” world!

The current school year, Hans’ second, he is on his way! There will always be struggles, however Hans is beginning to accept that “know” sounds like “no” and that there are many such words that he will eventually read/pronounce without a second thought! I am sure he will one day read without “struggling”. His Momley, on the other hand, has perhaps not achieved as much as he has. She is still struggling!

The good news is that I finally have a part-time job. Not 20 hours a week as one might think, it is an hour per day for 3 days a week. I feel good about it. It is a start. Then there are days I feel less than good about it. I believe the problem lies with how we value ourselves and how we perceive the value of others. This is by no means a “new” problem. This morning, I am reminded of a moment from my second year at York University. A few of us students were waiting to get into a “seminar” room and started chatting. One student wanted to know why we were there and what we wanted to do once we graduated. Everyone said something and I don’t remember any of it, however I remember one female student saying that she wanted to get married and have children and take care of them. I was surprised by such a “domestic” confession amidst such an “academic” crowd! A couple of female students literally pounced on it. They wanted to know why this particular female student was bothering to get such an expensive education if that’s all she wants to do with her life. The answer was simple, “It’s my life and I should have a choice”!

I am glad I am reminded of that moment. I should not be made to feel guilty for the choices I have made in my life. I should not value myself from others’ perception of value. Action plan or not, I will get there at my own pace and it’s OK!

While I am at it, I will share a few quotations from one of my favourite poets, Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.

“Map out a course of action” sounds like an “action plan”! Perhaps, I will work on an action plan one of these days and see where it takes me!

 

Gastroenteritis by any other name…

Last Thursday, I got a call from Hans' school. This was the second call of the week; the first one was 3 days prior to that! On Monday, Hans apparently fell and hurt himself very close to his left eye. Luckily there was a lunch monitor who happened to be a retired Registered Nurse! She dressed Hans' mini gash which was bleeding a bit and assured me that it doesn't need any stitches. Hans was very calm throughout the ordeal and he was called "brave" by the lovely lady. The most recent call was about Hans not looking too well! As I made my way to school, I was also thinking of how he missed 3 days of school the week before because of an ear infection - his 3rd in 3 months! He couldn't possibly have another ear infection while still on antibiotics?!

As I walked into the School Office, the Secretary told me that there seems to be something going around as ‎quite a few students have already been signed out by their parents. Somehow, that pushed the proverbial panic button and was not comforting in the least. I went to find my child who looked like he had been crying and as soon as he saw me, he started crying again. He complained that he had a tummy ache. First instinct was to rush him off to the washroom! It didn't help much and he burst out into tears. Hans' ECE, Ms F, asked me to check his lunch bag. I did and everything I packed was all there! So, maybe, Hans was hungry?!

Since Hans was crying so much, I decided to bring him home first and deal with feeding him then. It is quite possible he didn't like what I packed for lunch although it is most unlikely! So we  got home and as if he felt safe to do so, Hans threw up big time. Not once, but a few times for the rest of that day. Surprise laundry duty for Momley!

Friday went by without school for Hans and without much ado! I was tired from lack of sleep and looked forward to the Family Day long weekend. However, we still had Saturday classes to get through. It was Culture Day at the Heritage Language School. Every student had an opportunity to witness and learn from experts a traditional dance form. ASid looked at me and indicated that he didn't feel like dancing as he was extremely hungry. He is 12 and I can't force him to partake in something he didn't want to; I pulled him out to sit with the parents. One of the moms commented that growing boys are always hungry. ASid is never hungry!

As soon as Culture Day came to an end and students started filing out; ASid was first to leave the room followed a little later by Hans and myself! As soon as I stepped out, I saw 2 teachers directing students and parents to go around; about 80% of the hallway was unusable! What happened? As I moved closer, I saw my first born sitting on a bench staring forlornly at the big mess he had just made! How could I have not anticipated this happening?!

I rushed to help the teachers apologizing profusely. They were very gracious and one of them remarked that it is quite normal with kids. Craigley came by, took Hans from me and walked away silently. I got ASid to the closest washroom to clean him up. As we started driving home, I read a text from a parent at Hans' school. It was a kind warning. Her daughter was sick on Thursday as well and she had apparently transferred it to the mom! This parent was asking me to watch out for ASid! She said it was the Stomach Flu.

Too late! I shared the news with Craigley who was grimly driving the car. All he could mutter was something to the tune of how inconsiderate ASid was! The rest of Saturday went into taking care of ASid. This was not the Family Day weekend I had in mind. Sigh!

I canceled a plan to go to the AutoShow with my brother. ASid had been going to the AutoShow with his uncle since he was 2 and a half; at 12 and a half, he missed going to the AutoShow for the first time! Darn you Stomach Flu! I googled it like I was going to find it and destroy it and then I found out, that is not even its name! Anyways…that which we call Stomach Flu; by any other name would stink as much…and the bard would agree.

As I am typing on a sickly Sunday night, Craigley has succumbed to it as well; I am just hoping I am not next!

Note: As I am ready to post the above on a Tuesday evening, I have to admit that it got to me too!