The BEST day ever...

Hans loves to feel like one of the big boys. He loves it when ASid's friends come over. A couple of days ago was no exception! It was ASid's 15th birthday and he invited 4 friends to come over ‎to our home to hang out and have pizza. 2 of the friends were from ASid's new high school and Hans was super excited to meet them.

The night before, Hans could barely contain his excitement. He proclaimed that the next day was going to be the best day of his life.

As each of ASid's friends arrived, Hans made sure he was front and centre of the "Welcome Party" by introducing himself with gusto! It was super cute and absurd at the same time. Hans also made it a point to open the door to his bedroom and show off his well-honed skill at creating amazing messes in every nook, corner and available space! That was annoying and embarrassing for me, but somewhat empowering for Hans. He felt like he was measuring up on some invisible scale. It was a strange display of man cub like bravado that seemed to announce to the high school aged guests that Hans is no less than them!

Hans stuck with the 5 teenagers ‎like his life depended on it. After about an hour, I had to do a quick grocery run; when I got back, Hans wasn't with the teen gang. Upon inquiry, I found out that Hans was relegated to the basement. When I went to check up on him, he said that his older brother told him to get lost. I felt sorry for the little guy, but glad that he was handling the situation quite well.

Hans tried to join the older kids one more time, and was told to leave as the game they were playing was too mature for Hans. The second exclusion hit him hard. ‎Hans walked away and literally drowned out his sorrows by putting on headphones and watching some YouTube content on the iPad. He barely spoke with anyone afterwards, and it almost looked like he was deliberately disengaging himself from the masses. Strangely, by not wanting to associate with the teens, Hans' cool factor increased. The other teens were drawn to him and wanted to know what he was watching/doing?! Hans simply nodded his head and silently signaled to them; he didn't really engage in small talk!

When ASid's friends left and I asked Hans if it had been the best day of his life, he responded with "No, it was a normal day." ‎I expected a barrage of complaints and possibly a therapeutic session to help him deal with rejection, and no such drama ensued! It was an 8 year old who had already moved on.

A normal day is just as good as an anticipated BEST day…sometimes even better!
 

Finding my firstborn!

August 22, 2003 was the day we celebrated ‎ASid turning 2 by taking him to watch Finding Nemo. There were 4 adults and a toddler. Although Sir B had watched the movie already, we were glad he accompanied us! ASid, at that time, had a tendency to not watch a movie to the very end. Craigley and I took turns missing the endings of movies those days, and some days my brother relieved us from that deprivation! Having Sir B there meant that the rest of us could all see a movie from the beginning to the end...for a change!

Fast forward to 2016 and Finding Dory ... I asked ASid if he would like to watch the movie with his Momley for old times' sake?! He was like "Can't! Already made plans with my friends! Sorry!" Part of me was a little crushed; but then I managed to put things in perspective - why would a 14 year old watch an animated family flick with his 41 year old mother? Silly Momley!

ASid's 14th year was challenging. I was told that 13 is rough for girls and 14 for boys. I didn't think much about it then, but perhaps it is true. ASid has been the most unlike his usual self in the last few months.‎ 

... His phone became his best friend ... His friends became more important than ever before ... ‎He became Facebook friends with my dad and not his dad ... 

But then, he also most likely felt unlike his usual self.

... His face broke out ... His body rebelled against him in more ways than one ... His voice cracked ... He shot up in height ...

Some challenges/changes were welcomed and some were despised! It didn't help that Hans kept inquiring about the "red dots" on his older brother's face or that Craigley made "peach fuzz" a catch phrase at the dinner table! To have one's face scrutinized on a daily basis is daunting for sure. No wonder ASid seemed to prefer his own company almost all the time. ‎Perhaps that explains why most teenagers close their doors and shut their families out?!

So, ASid spent the most amount of time, in the last year, in his room. He has emerged to go to school; to eat breakfast, lunch, dinner‎ and the occasional snack; and to watch some TV or Netflix! Some days I look at him and I know exactly who he is and some days I wonder who he is. Could I have lost a boy in the confines of our home?! But then again, I know the boy needs time before he is found.

Meanwhile, I ended up watching Finding Dory with Hans! Well, I have learned to seize those moments when I can. While there are always those moments that could have been, I can’t complain about my life.

On that note, I hope ASid has the most fantastic year of his life…and I hope to find him more outside of his room than inside this year.

 

I can hear it already! Sigh!

This post is totally dedicated to Sir B who is now also known as UB to the next generation.

Yesterday was my belated birthday celebration. At 42 years and 10 days old, it is more a celebration of people in my life. Sir B was kind enough to partake in the festivities. Every time I see him, I want to pick his brain and find out what he thinks of this blog. But then I realized yesterday that it is more important to find out what he thinks about how the boys are being brought up! Here is why!

Hans was totally in his element. He forgot all his manners except for when he said "Thank you Jeffrey" to Sir B when the latter handed him a lamb burger fully loaded with tzatziki sauce, sautéed mushrooms and lettuce. Instead of apologizing for my child's rude remark, I start explaining it. Hans fancies himself Batman some days and I am Alfred, the butler. There are days Hans is Fresh Prince of Belair, and anyone "serving" him is Jeffrey, the butler. ‎Since Sir B was kind enough to build Hans' burger for him, Sir B became Jeffrey!

After explaining that, I was also (belatedly) conscious enough to mention that any anomalies in my children's behaviour could be attributed to me. As one "mom friend" once remarked to me ‎that I cannot complain about my children's behaviour if I let them get away with it in the first place! So, it is my fault!

Sir B wondered if I was doing something about it?! As in "righting these identified faults"?! Of course, since I love talking about my parenting and since I also love defending it, I set off on another explanation. Why can I not stop myself from being such a Momley?!

Anyways, I started by telling Sir B that I would never want the boys' future partners to complain about their upbringing. So even if I let some things go‎, I am good at reminding them as they get older. At that point in time, ASid walks by and I pointed him to Sir B as a shining example of my parenting. I proudly proclaimed how ASid is well mannered and how Hans will get to this level of sophistication one of these days. As if to prove my point, ASid stopped by us, smiled and let one rip. The rumbling was so loud, I am sure even his future partner heard it.

I looked at Sir B and had to acknowledge that there will be complaints in the future. I can hear them already! Sigh!

 

When you can't, then please don't!

Last Sunday, we were invited to a dinner at a friend's home. There were 6 boys between the 3 sets of parents, and the boys had the opportunity to either throw hoops or swim. The 2 boys who were Hans' age chose to swim, and Hans chose to throw hoops with the other boys.

It was going well till Hans decided to sit by the pool. I had all sorts of "support equipment" for him if he wanted to swim. He, however, assured me that he will only dangle his feet in the water. Hans is a chatty kid and I guess he wanted to chat with his friends. A few minutes later, I saw Hans in the pool and struggling. I immediately rushed to him and tried to offer my hand. It took Hans a few seconds to reach my hand, and by then, I had extended myself as much as I could. As Hans grabbed my hand, I almost fell into the pool.

- Dramatic pause and a "side bar" follow -

‎I cannot swim. Even as I was trying to "save" Hans, I knew I wasn't the right person for the rescue mission!

I screamed for Craigley to come and help me. Craigley saunters over like he is reaching for a cocktail. When he did reach my side, I was still holding on to Hans’ hand - he was trying to keep afloat and I was trying not to fall into the pool.

Once Hans was out, I could breathe. All Craigley could say was that I should have allowed Hans to struggle for at least a minute...what was the rush? I looked at him like he had gone insane, but I was more interested in finding out how Hans fell into the deep end?!

Apparently, ASid pushed him!! I looked at my first born like what's wrong with you?! He defended himself by saying that he didn't realize Hans still couldn't swim. Hans had swimming lessons from when he was almost 3 to when he turned 7 - that is a good 4 years of private lessons and group lessons‎, and a lot of time plus a crazy amount of money spent! Last year, I decided to give the kid a break. It was more like he had other classes that kept him busy, and swimming took a back seat. The whole point to this background information on swimming is that in spite of all that time, Hans hasn't learned to swim yet!

I want both the boys to know how to swim. We tried to teach ASid swimming at 18 months of age and at 5 years; both the times, Craigley was the designated parent in the pool and he declared that swimming wasn't really that important. Then, when ASid turned 9, I got him a private instructor; a couple of lessons later, ASid was swimming! I was so happy to have provided my child with this lifesaving skill. I am hoping 9 is the magic age for Hans as well to finally learn how to swim.

To get back to the story now...ASid felt very badly and apologized to his younger brother. Hans wasn't too scarred by the experience. Me? I pulled a couple of muscles in my body, and was in a bit of pain. Craigley, on the other hand, was the only one who didn't understand what the fuss was about!

 

Goodbye Chucky! Take Care!

On Monday of this week, I solemnly swore to myself that I would allow Hans to play after school pretty much every day of the week except for Tuesday (when he has Piano and Dance lessons after school). I was kind of regretting the whole idea as Monday afternoon was scorching hot; perhaps not for everyone, but definitely for me. Hans handed over his backpack to me and ran off to play. Barely 2 minutes later, Chucky walked over with his nanny, and he looked like he was ready to cry. I braced myself. Chucky complained that Hans took his sunglasses and hid them somewhere, and is refusing to return them! I lost whatever little bit of cool was left in me and screamed out loud to Hans. Hans was petrified, but managed to make his way towards me. I told him to find the sunglasses, and return them immediately! Hans was about to protest, but I wasn't in a mood to listen. It felt like the last straw. Hans and Chucky ran off to look for the sunglasses. A few minutes later, they returned without them. I assured Chucky that we would replace his sunglasses; got the details and his nanny took him away. I glared at Hans like I could make a hole in his head so it could be filled with some wisdom. I am sure at least half a dozen moms heard me tell Hans that he couldn't play after school that day and for the rest of the week. I was raving and ranting all the way from school to home. If anyone had recorded me, I would have made it to YouTube and become fodder on talk shows.‎ Sigh! When will my child learn? All Hans said, in his defence, was that he did not take the sunglasses. Apparently some other kid took them from Chucky, and asked Hans to hide them! Unacceptable; Hans made the wrong choice again.

I wasn't at school on Tuesday as Craigley does drop off and pick up on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Wednesday morning, I saw one of the moms who witnessed my horrific meltdown from Monday and I walked‎ up to her to apologize. As I was chatting with her, another mom got curious, and we filled her in on the details. The bell rang and the kids started lining up. This other mom whispered in my ear that her daughter (who was in Hans' class) heard him say that his life was not good and he wants to die. I looked at her in shock and mumbled that he can be dramatic and is fully capable of making such statements. I also informed her that he wasn't with his friends this school year, and maybe he was expressing that! To which, she responded that there could be problems at home! At which point, she had to go, and I had to go in to see the Principal to have some cheques signed. I wasn't really in a mood to do anything; I was hit hard. Why would Hans say something that extreme and that tragic? I actually asked the Principal. She assured me that he is a happy boy, and not to worry. Still, I went and checked in with a couple of his teachers who weren't in class yet - the librarian and the Phys Ed teacher. Both of them were puzzled and said that boys at this age could make shocking statements more for effect than anything else. Still, it bothered me. Was I that tough on him on Monday that he had to declare he wanted to die?!

I talked to my friend C, and she tried to help me deal with it by saying maybe the other mom got it wrong. It was just a little girl sharing her day with her mom; details get smudged. I needed more input and constructive feedback, I called my friends Y and P, in that order. Y said something like Craigley and I are quite tough on Hans. Being my friend, she said something like Craigley is tougher for sure! P, on the other hand, brushed it off as some sort of miscommunication. So, I decided to chat directly with Hans' teacher who does spend about 5 to 6 hours a day with him. She would be my best source and resource.

So, at pick up on Wednesday, I asked Hans' teacher about his dramatic statement. She looked puzzled, but she said that she had another boy make that statement,‎ and perhaps it is being picked up by other boys in her classroom. So, I went back to the mom who shared this info with me in the first place to get more insight. Luckily, she was still around. I asked her when exactly the statement was made. She said that it was made in front of the teacher and everyone else! And I was like that can't be as I just spoke with the teacher and she is not aware of Hans ever making that statement. At this point in time, this mom looked at me like I was crazy and then she said, "It was not Hans! It was Chucky!"

I was stunned and relieved at the same time. Then, I had to rush back to the teacher to clarify things with her. Coincidentally, she was chatting with the Phys Ed teacher. I told them both that it was a crazy misunderstanding, and for some strange reason, I burst into tears. Both the teachers rushed to get me some tissues, and I had a free therapy session with them. I was like I made the choice to stay home and the least I expect is for my kids to be happy and good kids. I told them how tortured I felt the whole day from drop off to pick up. They sympathized with me; reassured me that I am a good mom and sent me off to enjoy the rest of the day.

I felt much better till I thought of Chucky. For the first time, I felt genuinely sorry for that child. He is 8 and he feels this way now. When I thought Hans felt that way, I felt personally responsible and wanted to do everything in my power to help my child not feel that way. I hope Chucky gets some help. On that note, on Monday, I did drop by Chucky's home with Hans - we got him a cool pair of sunglasses that he liked and immediately wore, and looked happy.‎ I hope Chucky gets to work out his issues.

I am saying goodbye to Chucky in this post - goodbye to the Chucky I have been writing about for the last 4 years. I hope Chucky gets a new lease on life. Hans and I will be kind to him when we can. Everyone deserves a second chance. Good luck to Junior...a name change (from my end) is the first step in this new direction. Take care boy!

 

(School) Year-end Reflections!

I am looking back on the moments between the day after Labour Day in September and now. It has been a year where both the boys have pleasantly surprised me or shocked me with their questions, observations and emotional outbursts.

Since it is ASid's first year of high school and he was really transitioning into a full-fledged teen, some of the dramatic moments actually made sense; however, some were truly unexpected from his little brother Hans! Here are a couple of random selections before I close the doors on the 2015-2016 school year.

Perhaps I was adopted...a raging reflective super short story from an 8 year‎ old's perspective!

One fine day, during a conversation, I said something like "no child of mine can be selfish; I can't believe you are being so selfish" to Hans. At this point in time, I forget the context within which those remarks were made. However, I cannot forget Hans' response: Maybe you are not my real mom!

Hans insisted‎ on looking at some baby pictures of himself and me as proof that I am indeed his mother. I refused to indulge his nonsensical claim. Part of me was amused and part of me was crushed! I never thought he would ever question my being his mother?! Oh well, I should have seen it coming. If he could disown his father, the mother is not too far behind!

Perhaps you love somebody else‎...a deeply disturbing accusation by an 8 year old!

This year, I was very involved at Hans' ‎school - I was a classroom parent, the Treasurer on the School Council and also worked on the yearbook. It kept me super busy. I like to help wherever possible and I cannot say NO! That's how I ended up on the yearbook team. I am not the only parent who likes to help, there are a few others as well. This year, we had a father join this very small group of helpful parents. He and I did most of the work on the yearbook. This particular parent did not like to email; he preferred to call. So, he called our home quite a bit. We have a phone that actually announces the caller's name. Hans must have heard it enough times before he confronted me.

"Do you love him?" I was like "Seriously?!", but I was also laughing. Hans kept going, "So you don't love daddy anymore?" I asked him where he was getting this nonsense from?! "You are always on the phone with him!" So what?! "You must have a crush on him?!" Dude, you are 8!! "Maybe a little crush?!"

I couldn't believe the conversation. Does Hans even know the meaning of crush?! At that point in time, even ASid piped in. He wanted to know who this guy was. So, I had the opportunity to introduce this parent to ASid as well as reintroduce him to Craigley and Hans at the school Fun Fair.

This is what ASid had to say, "He looks like a regular guy!" What did he expect‎? A Greek God?

It is interesting that the boys don't seem to mind me hanging out with my "mom friends" from drop off to pick up. But a "dad friend" is a big threat to their family's very existence. I had to reassure the boys that for their Momley, her boys come first! Even their dad is a distant second!

On that note, I am really taking a break from being helpful. After 4 years of being an active School Council member at 2 different schools, I am finally giving my helpful hands a rest. Not because the boys got a bit insecure for a brief moment in time, but it did put everything in perspective.

One other interesting revelation (for myself) has been my ‎relative ease in dealing with ASid's teen issues. On the other hand, Hans' melodramatic issues were much more challenging to deal with. I really don't know whether to laugh or cry some days. I usually laugh it off though and that's how I am able to write about it! Both the boys make my life interesting and in spite of all the craziness they bring to it, I wouldn't trade them for all the sanity in the world.

Goodbye Grade 9 and Grade 2! It has been a blast!

 

To Be or Not To Be...Seen...With a Parent?!

The first haircut the boys got in 2016 was on January 1st.‎ February, March and April went by and the boys did not feel any need for a haircut. At the beginning of May, I was quite frustrated as their hair looked like they could successfully audition for the sequel to Jungle Book or any movie that requires boys lost in a jungle for a long long time.

So, I put my Momley foot down and picked a date for the haircuts. At the same time, I was considerate enough to give the firstborn a choice to get his own haircut so he didn't need to have his younger brother‎ tag along. ASid liked the idea, however he decided that he'd like to come home from school and then, go for the haircut. It was settled then that both the boys would go together. It is not like I enjoy watching hair being cut. Both the boys have a history of crying through their haircuts for the first 4 years of their individual lives. But chances of them doing anything together are getting less as each day goes by. Why not enjoy this rare moment!

So, we set off like three merry makers. Since I don't drive, we took the TTC (Toronto Transit Commission). ASid was unusually animated and Hans was quiet as he listened to his older brother talk about some cool stuff. I was feeling quite content; like someone feels after a job well done. ‎Unfortunately, the bus ride was too short. As we disembarked and started walking towards the intersection to cross the street, we saw a pretty girl and a good looking boy walk towards us. ASid looked at them and mumbled a "Hi" and the girl looked at Hans and said "Hello". I thought that was nice of her to acknowledge the little guy and I said that his name is Hans. The girl smiled and said, "I know. He has grown quite a bit!" Then the boy and the girl walked away. I realized at that point in time that she was C from ASid's grade 6 class; wow, she has grown quite a bit too in the last 3 years!

As I remarked out loud to my firstborn that his former classmate has grown up to be a pretty girl, he simply looked at me asked, "Why did you have to come?" 

My Momley heart broke into the proverbial million pieces. I decided to let ASid go get his haircut by himself and take that time to get over his frustration. What changed in a few minutes‎?!

Fast forward to a few days later.‎ ASid and I were on a TTC bus again! This time, we were coming back from a doctor's appointment. At one stop, this boy gets on the bus and nods at ASid. I deliberately pulled out my phone and got super busy. I was literally pretending to be not related to my child. Both the boys talked for a bit. I got up way before our stop and made my way to the exit door. ASid said bye to the boy and followed later. After we both got off, I proudly mentioned how detached I was and how that boy had no clue who I was! To which, ASid casually responded, "I told him you are my mom!"

Wow! I was confused. I made every effort to disappear into a TTC seat and my 14 year old teenager did not hesitate to acknowledge my presence. ‎Was it the girl who made a difference? I had several questions, but sometimes it is wise to let them be unanswered questions. I had to tell myself to simply enjoy the moment. And I did!