I Exist to Support You

We brought ASid home on March 21st. I was happy to have all 4 of us back under the same roof again. I will not say "happy to be together again"! We weren't together really - ASid was on the top floor doing his online learning; Hans was on the main floor trying to do some learning and Craigley was in the basement working from home. I had no floor to my name and I was essentially a floater!

Still, I was content to see their faces whenever they surfaced for biological or survival needs.

Last week, ASid announced that he would like to spend time with his girlfriend once his online lessons wrap up! I wasn't sure what he meant by that! Well, he clarified that he wanted to spend the remaining amount of "stay at home/isolation time" with her.

My first response was an emotional breakdown! I felt like I didn't matter. All that time I spent raising the boy meant nothing to him! I cried a bit and couldn't sleep for a couple of nights. Then, I had to look at it from ASid's perspective. He is 18 and in love. His girlfriend is an international student who is by herself in the middle of an unexpected situation. It made sense for him to be there for the girl (whom I am going to call Mary from now on).

I met Mary only twice. My impression of her is that she is a mature and focused young lady. Her family is in another country and she is here by herself (save for an uncle and a cousin who don't live with her). Given that she has been in Canada only about 7-8 months, she has adjusted very well. Mary is both academic and social, and balanced!

I am sane enough to know that she is a wonderful influence on my son.

So, Craigley dropped off ASid at Mary’s place yesterday. The only advice Craigley ever gave ASid that matters in the big scheme of things is this: “Do not get a girl pregnant”. That was it - 6 words of wisdom! I did not provide any advice, but bought the boy a pack of condoms the last time he left home. One could say that I enabled him in one way so he was disabled in another way that would practically support Craigley’s advice. I do not want to think about it really. But if there is a baby at the end of it all, I would like to conclude that it was Immaculate Conception. That’s why the name Mary brings me comfort on many levels!

Seriously though … I have to believe that when “stay at home” was not trending and I stayed at home, I did a decent job of parenting ASid. He is currently working on maintaining a 3.7-3.8 GPA and he seems to have caught the fancy of an intelligent girl. I am proud of the young man he has become. I must focus on that right now.
 

The Massive Pickup!

This is a sequel of sorts to The Epic Drop-off! posted on September 1, 2019.

Over 2 days, on March 20^th and 21^st, we helped ASid pack and clean up, and move back home. When we moved him into his residence, we had 2 cars and we had my brother to help us. This time around, amidst the recent outbreak, we decided to move back ASid on our own. The “we” I write about are Craigley and me.

Both the days, the boy was not quite prepared. And it seemed like his belongings have doubled since we dropped him off! Craigley was visibly dismayed and vocally clear in how he felt about it. However, it was not just ASid; his roommate, who was moving out as well, had more stuff to pack. She had both her parents helping her move quietly without commenting on the situation or expressing any sort of emotion. Craigley helped move items to the car, but refused to help ASid pack or cleanup.

Craigley and I have different parenting styles. Craigley focuses on a situation and has certain expectations that may or may not have been communicated. When those expectations are not met, he is disappointed and mostly unforgiving. On the other hand, I tend to understand that situations do not necessarily follow a set pattern. Here is an example: if a person is moving out and is being picked up, s/he has to make sure s/he has everything packed and ready to go - this is the normal expectation from that person. This is fundamentally Craigley’s expectation as well. It is simple.

ASid did not meet this basic expectation.

The boy was seriously unhappy. This is his first year of university. He wanted to squeeze every delicious drop out of this experience. His life was interrupted and he had to prematurely say goodbye to his new friends and abruptly move to a new way of learning. As he was dealing with the changes around him, he was also asked to move out and given just a couple of days’ notice. On top of all that, he is also in a relationship with an international student who is stranded in Canada without her family.

ASid had a lot on his mind and failed to meet a basic expectation. He may be considered an adult just because he is 18, but this is his first time in a situation that the whole world hasn’t anticipated and still is unsure of what to expect!

When ASid eventually reads this, I want him to know that I am proud of him. He was able to move out with a few minutes to spare. ASid chose to follow his heart over a task at hand. He took the time to take some food to his girlfriend the night before and spend some time with her. He took the time to let his roommate know that he appreciated her. He may not have been ready for the pickup, but perhaps he knew that his parents would understand and pitch in. I hope we met ASid’s expectations!

 

Falling apart ... part by part

Last Thursday, there was this sudden and intense pain in my left wrist and then, in my fingers. The next morning, it was replicated in my right wrist and fingers. It was horrific. To explain the horror of it, imagine going to the toilet and having to wipe whatever; then, imagine having lost the ability to use both the hands! OK … it was just a little notch below that extreme case scenario - the hands function, but experience excruciating pain with each tear of the bathroom tissue and each wipe of the derrière!

It was a wakeup call of sorts. I am not calling it the wakeup call because I get these on an annual basis! First, it was a fleeting frightful moment about lumps in the breast. Then, it was the horrendous prospect of having all teeth fall out and now, the possibility of losing access to hands that help with everything from menial to spiritual! This was the scariest of them all though!

I love writing … anything and everything … from short text messages to elaborate email messages to therapeutic messages on this blog! Just recently, I wrote about life and death and everything in between. I realized that the pain I felt in my hands is mostly due to my love of writing. I am constantly writing/typing on my BlackBerry. Perhaps I am not holding the device properly; that’s what has led to repetitive stress on my wrists and fingers. I guess I need to find a way to not fall apart while I still enjoy the little indulgences of life.

On that note, after 15 years of watching one of my favourite shows on Television, I bid adieu to Criminal Minds. I watched this show religiously from the beginning to the end - the old fashioned way; through 15 seasons; as each episode aired and sometimes recording an episode and watching it the next day. It was bittersweet as the cliché goes! Bitter that the show ended and sweet that I found a haunting song which I have requested to be played at my memorial service! Bambino and ASid have been notified.

When I do eventually fall apart … never to be put back together again … it will be to the song “Soft Dark Nothing” by Lily Kershaw.

She coincidentally is named after my favourite flower. How poetic and perfect!

 

Writing for Everyone

I continue to amass several unfinished drafts in my email account. There is so much content accumulated over the last few months that will never see the light of cyberspace! It is rather frustrating on some days when I can’t work on my own personal writing about my children.

Currently, I am working on the 17^th feature article for the local magazine that hired me to be the Content Coordinator in October 2018. This job allows me to enjoy writing. However, the job also requires me to write about a preselected set of people. I do not exactly have a choice! It is not as bleak as I am making it sound right now. It is rewarding in its own way - I get to write mini biographies of people and almost all of those people appreciate the time and effort I put into writing about their lives.

The magazine has also given me the opportunity to write a few business profiles of the advertisers who are featured. There have been 3 instances when the publisher needed additional content and I contributed posts from this blog. The posts that became articles were about taking your child to work, first day(s) of school and most recently, Valentine’s Day. The last one garnered a lot of attention and I got a few congratulatory notes.

Although the adulation was great, I felt like I was recycling my private writing instead of writing something original and impersonal. Luckily, the boys don’t seem to mind. In fact, ASid was surprised to read about his thoughts on Valentine’s Day from 2017! In 2020, he has the same feelings as he did 3 years ago. If I have to rewrite that post today, I would only add that ASid found a mate who seems to love him and take care of him. When he was sick the other day and called me to let me know that he missed me, he also shared that he was under the kind and considerate care of his lovely girlfriend!

At the end of the day, whether I write about my children or total strangers, what matters is that the writing brings a smile to their faces and that they would cherish the words for a long time.

 

Birth, Death, and Life

Last few weeks have been thought-provoking.

I went to visit with a friend's mother who recently had a stroke and has been paralyzed on the left side of her body since then. I spent some time with my brother and his family at a hospital. I bid adieu to Hans' former principal and my mentor-friend as he moved onto a different role. I got a call from ASid who was down with fever. I took care of Hans through 2 bouts of sickness.

Through all of the above, I realized that I have developed a bit of anxiety about death! This feeling has been percolating since the young mother passed away last year on October 27, 2019. Craigley believes that I haven't seen death up close and personal and that's the reason it is so unsettling. He is probably accurate in his analysis of my most recent state of mind.

I have been worried every waking moment about falling asleep and not waking up!

Then, I had a breakthrough. Eternal Boy shared a video with me about this kid who "speaks lots of sense … just resonates so readily". I enjoy receiving notes from my friends. Pictures are alright. Videos are work! However, I took 2 minutes and 3 seconds out of my time to watch this video. Strangely, a little boy made me realize that I have become so good at worrying that I am now worried about "the buffalo that I don't have"!

I was the most fearless and welcoming of death. When that mother passed away and left behind a little girl, I was worried about the motherless child. Then, I worried about my future motherless children. That led to my worrying about death.

It all seems ridiculous now. No matter what, life goes on. It was wonderful to receive a call from my friend about her mother who had a stroke. I took the time to catch up with her mother who appreciated my visit to the rehab centre. It was special to spend some time with my brother and his family even if it was in a hospital. It was heartwarming to receive a call from ASid while he was battling a high fever. He didn't need me; he just missed me. It was humbling to take care of Hans because it reminded me that I was wasting time worrying about death when there is so much living to do.

All of it made me realize, not for the first time or the last time in the history of Birth and Death, that what matters is everything in between … Life.
 

#UberFirstWorldProblem

I always believed that I am an uber walker. Since I don't drive, I rely mostly on my walking abilities and the Toronto Transit Commission (TTC)!

However, when I started supply teaching last year, I quickly became accustomed to calling a taxi or an Uber to get me to work on time in the morning. I also got a little addicted to Uber Eats to feed my family in the evening.

Last night, I experienced what ASid would call a "First World Problem"!

The day before last night, I got some gum grafting surgery done. Once again, it put me out of commission on one side of my mouth. I got tired of eating the rice I cooked for myself and felt like something different. After extensively looking through the menus of all the restaurants listed in the Uber Eats app on my phone and after consulting with Hans, I placed an order at around 6 pm. The order would be delivered by 6:50 pm was what was communicated to me. The restaurant was a little less than 7 km away and should take about 10-12 minutes to deliver the food once it has been picked up!

When I checked my phone a few minutes later to track the delivery, the estimated time of delivery had been updated to 7:50 pm. First, I thought it was a mistake like Craigley refusing to "Fall Back" for daylight saving time with his car clock and confusing me each time I am in the car with him!

Then, I decided to investigate. At around the same time, the delivery time moved up past 8 pm. What?! Apparently, the delivery person was walking. There is an actual job description called "Uber Walker". On a night, when the city of Toronto had issued a Snow Fall warning, a dude is walking about 7 km to deliver my food.

Why do I get pulled into situations such as these?!

I sent a message to my friend C to share this bizarre revelation with her. She and her 2 boys have been sick and cooped up at home for a few days now, and I thought she might find this amusing and smile a little. She immediately texted me back and wondered if the dude would get hungry half way and eat the food I ordered?!

I decided to check in on the only Uber Walker I have ever been connected with. My first question was to confirm that he was indeed walking in the insane weather. He was! My next question was to let him know that I would have canceled the order if I had known; but since he is on his way, I will wait patiently for his arrival. He didn't respond to that note! So, I decided to offer him some coffee when he got to my home. He responded with something like “that’s very nice of you, but I am OK!"

Eventually, the food was delivered at around 8:20 pm. The Uber Walker sheepishly admitted that perhaps he should have taken the TTC. After he left, I adjusted the tip to a couple of dollars more.

It is not like I have a lot of money. I am pulling out money that I don't have to fix my teeth and gum problems that are out of control since I have been negligent the last few years. And then, instead of finishing the rice I cooked, I ordered food. I have no sympathy for me and I don't expect anyone to sympathize with my situation; however, I totally sympathized with the Uber Walker. What must be his situation to venture out in that kind of weather and walk for over an hour and a bit?!

I could look at myself as a "First World Spoilt Brat", but then I told myself on the 2nd day of 2020 that I would look at everything that happens to me positively this year! So, this was my misguided way of providing a soul with an opportunity to make some cash or to live a misguided sense of adventure. Fortunately or unfortunately, I don’t know the Uber Walker’s reasons.

Does it matter that the food arrived cold? Does it matter that my stomach filled with painkillers and antibiotics was a little upset? Does it matter my child was hungry?

None of it does! No one died! We all lived to tell a tale of an uber problem that convenience can sometimes create! Does that make me smarter in the future? Only time will tell.
 

A Reflective Recap

Yesterday, Hans, Craigley and I dropped off ASid for a second time at his residence. This time wasn’t as emotional as the last time. I guess it gets a little less painful with subsequent drop-offs!

It was wonderful to have ASid with us for 2 weeks. Technically, he was not with us the entire time; he was out connecting with what seemed like 2.2 million friends he hadn’t seen in ages. I was glad to have him physically present at home for whatever few minutes he could spare for us. So, it was pleasant to have the boy announce yesterday that he felt pampered for the last 2 weeks and that he was well rested to tackle the next semester!

We also met ASid’s girlfriend twice over the break. The first time was on Christmas Day and the second time was on New Year’s Eve. Both the kids initially connected through their mutual love for Mathematics and seem to influence each other in a positive way. The girl is 20 months older than ASid and is an International student who has been in Canada for less than 4 months. She is from a completely different ethnic and religious background than that of Craigley’s or mine. However, none of that matters. I am simply glad that ASid met someone who makes him happy.

On a side note, I did feel really old over the holidays. There were visitors galore at all times of the day and people were up at all times of the night. There were unending dirty dishes and more garbage than ever before. Laundry seemed to pile up mysteriously. Everything was everywhere. I have more salt than pepper on my head after 2 weeks of keeping up with everyone and everything!

I must have aged. On Thursday, January 2^nd, I was at Shopper's Drugmart with Hans buying some batteries for a Nerf monstrosity he bought with his Christmas money. When we got to the counter to pay, the cashier gave us a seniors’ discount. I wondered out loud if they were giving the discount to everyone. The cashier responded with something like “aren’t you part of our 55+ club?” Then she realized that I was not and covered it up quickly with “it is all that grey!”

As we walked out, I remarked to Hans that she made me 10 years older than my age. Hans quietly responded that we must enjoy the seniors’ discount we got on the overpriced batteries!

I guess that’s the lead I need to follow this year. Look at the positive in all situations as much as possible!