The shots we take!

I have been so busy with my job that I haven't been doing some of the things I enjoy doing in my life. One of them is writing regularly for this blog - my "legacy" for my 2 boys. It feels like I am robbing them of some of my personal time that belongs to them and giving it away to other peoples' children.

So much has happened, and I don't even know where to begin. Hans is 13 now, and for the first time, I have 2 teenagers. This will last about 3 months and then ASid will turn 20. It seems like such a big number. They are growing up so quickly.

Although I haven't been as available to my family members as before, I was lucky enough to have been there as they received their first doses of the vaccine. On Good Friday, I accompanied my parents as their age group became eligible. For some reason, it made my mom very happy to have me there. 2 weeks ago, Craigley and I got vaccinated. Last weekend, I went with ASid and 2 days ago, I was with Hans as both of them also became eligible with the 18+ and 12+ age groups respectively. It made me happy and I understood my mom's feelings then. 

There are times it matters that people we love are there with us - maybe it is to do with the realization that life is fragile and that the world could literally turn upside down at a moment's notice.

With my parents, I had the shortest waiting time. With Hans, I had the longest waiting time - we spent nearly 2 hours together. As we stood in line waiting, chaos ensued twice and people cut us off both those times. Part of me wanted to protest, but I stayed calm and let it go. I felt like perhaps I wasn't being a good role model to my child. I didn't stand up for myself, for us, and for what was right. I actually mentioned it to him and he didn't particularly mind my non-confrontational attitude. We both talked about how people are frustrated in general and some of them were coming from work, and they probably are too tired and would like to go home sooner than later. Still, Hans did reiterate that it doesn't make it right for people to cut people off. I agreed with him. 

It was my choice to let it go, but it was their choice to plant themselves where they didn't belong and give themselves an unfair advantage.

Hans and I were at the beginning of our 5:10 pm line up and we ended up 7th or 8th after 2 chaotic disruptions. There was another mother with 2 children waiting in line with us. She stood up to the buttinskis and ensured she got her original position in the queue back. She was also kind enough to send one of her children to persuade me to take our spot ahead of them. I politely declined. However, I pointed that out to Hans. 

My choice wasn't the only option available to him; he could take inspiration from this other mother!

Later, we ran into this mom with her 2 children again. I wanted to say something nice to her and thank her. All I could mumble, as words were lost to me, was "good that you have some fire in you"! She responded with, "it is good to be assertive sometimes". That's when I realized that I need to get back to writing and making sense. I have spent far too much time with kids who use afk, brb, ty and say "stop the cap" and other random phrases in the chat, to pause and have actual conversations irl. 

I search for real words in my head now and can't seem to find them anymore.

I took a chance with this job. It will end in a month's time. I have lost a lot and gained a lot. My vision has dwindled away and I have packed on a few pounds. I have probably lost the opportunity to prep Hans for Grade 8 while I was helping Grade 8 students get through this school year. Personal losses … Professional gains. Hans may have a bit of an academic setback as he starts Grade 8 in September, but he will have a mother who can help him get through the next school year.

Hans can be a super star if he wants to be.

We can't always be sure of the shots we take; however, I hope the shots we all got, starting on Good Friday, will get us back on track with life as we remember it.

Personal Revelations

With about 3 months and 3 days left in the 2020-2021 school year, I feel like I can breathe a little bit better than I did on October 1st, 2020.

Since the last post, there have been many changes to my online classroom - more students and more IEPs. There are some students falling through the cracks no matter what I do or try to do. I could focus on that and be the tragic teacher, who has failed in spite of her best efforts given the circumstances, or focus on the small successes and be a triumphant teacher in spite of all the obstacles thrown in her way given the current circumstances.

I am choosing to go with the latter!

Last week, in Language, I decided to go with Culturally Responsive and Relevant Pedagogy. In that spirit, I introduced the concept of identity. It felt like I was going to get nothing from the students. These are the kids who chose to be not on camera - who would rather not let anyone see them. Why would they want to share anything about who they are?!

However, I was in for a surprise …

Student S: I am non binary lesbian

Student K: I'm actually really glad there's  people in the lgbtq2+ community here

Student K: I identify as genderfluid, I'm also pansexual.. My parents don't know this, only my friends and you guys too now

Student S: my family doesn't know either

Student K: I don't really know how I express genderfluid.. I don't think I do but my friends do call me by different pronouns when the conversation come up. I express pansexual to my friends when I'm simping for fictional characters :3   … humans are complex, fictional characters can always live up to your expectations xD

The above was in response to one question a student had about “genderfluid”. I have kept the words as they were typed in the chat. For some reason, I copied and pasted them into a word document. I wanted to remember them. I may be failing some students. However, I have managed to create a safe space in the dark hole that is my classroom. Students read these revelations as they were being typed. No one said anything silly or rude in response. There were mostly questions about what it meant to be binary or genderfluid. Others were congratulatory comments.

I felt like I needed to congratulate myself as well. Teaching is not always about curriculum. It is empowering students with knowledge to take pride in who they are and not what they know.

Compliance and Choice

Compliance means many things to many people based on the context within which it is used. A quick check for synonyms brought up these words - obedience, acquiescence, agreement, submission, amenability and passivity.

I spent the last 2 weekends working on Report Cards. I reported on Language, Mathematics, Science, History and Health. Last week, I was told that my report cards are not compliant since they are missing Oral Communication, Physical Education and Arts.

I have no students on camera - they have that choice. Only a handful of students use microphones and about half communicate via the public chat through typing. Students have been given choices based on equity and privacy and safety.

I like choices. However, compliance can’t exist perfectly with choice!

Given the circumstances we are in, people need to be flexible. The people who are making it a point to make a fuss about not receiving the best service possible - right now - need to really rethink what it means to be human.

When I go back to work on Monday, February 1, 2021, I would be tired from the weekend. My consolation would be that I survived 4 months of Virtual School … albeit with the dread of 5 more months to go! So, why don’t I quit? Because I have been waiting so long to do this job!

I never expected to get my first fulltime job in 19 years under these circumstances. I am new and I am old, but I am not about to give up!

I want to end this post on a happy note. Last week, I took a day off as I couldn’t see clearly with my right eye - it was the first day I took a day off since I started on October 1, 2020. I got the following note from one of my students. I am barely editing it as it is sweet and thoughtful, and it is a note from a 13 year old who really misses her “normal” life and can’t wait to go back to a “real” school, and yet she took the time to reach out to her teacher to give her strength. (Obviously, the names have been changed)

Hello Mrs. Momley! I noticed there was no meet today (it's 3am but we'll pretend it's still yesterday for the sake of this email sounding proper). Yesterday you mentioned that your eye was hurting and I just wanted to make sure that you're okay and feeling better. If not I really genuinely hope that you do end up feeling better. You are one of the best teachers I've had and I have been to a heap of schools. The class truly appreciates you even though they don't say it a lot. You are loved and cared about by all 24 of us and never forget it!

Sincerely,

Student E :)

19 and 12

19 and 12 are the ages of ASid and Hans respectively. This year has been life changing for most of us and it hasn’t been different for the boys.

ASid has been living with his girlfriend on and off, depending on if she is in the country or not. This academic year, second year of university, both the kids got themselves teaching assistant jobs and are raking in the money. About a grand a month at 19 is nothing to sneeze at - it opens up exciting possibilities as well as makes one feel certain responsibilities. My friend C’s advice was to have ASid put away an amount per pay cheque - something like “pay himself first”. My dad’s response was - “why does the boy need to work?”. I conveyed both the messages to ASid. Right now, he is in the spending mode. He is not really listening to anyone. He wants to buy his younger brother a PS5 and his grandmother a Louis Vuitton handbag.

The boy still has his heart in the right place and that invariably warms my own heart.

Hans has had to deal with a fulltime working mom for the first time - on his own and without his brother by his side. The boy has done a remarkable job. He is a preteen and he has warned me that he could snap at me some days and I shouldn’t take it personally. He has also assured me that a year or 2 more, and he wouldn’t need me anymore.

Both of Hans’ proclamations made me glad and sad at the same time.

Today, Thursday, December 31, 2020, is my dad’s last day at work. He is officially retiring. My dad started working at 17 and finally, at 70, he is calling it a day! I am not sure what he will do with the extra time. His dream was to retire and spend more time with his grandkids. I barely see ASid, and Hans is in his own world. Luckily, for my dad, he has another grandkid - my nephew RoV is 6, and still quite excited to spend time with grandparents.

Time does fly. Even crazy 2020 flew by. It is a reminder for me to focus on the best and the most positive that life has to offer, and take the time to enjoy that!

Have a good one everyone!

A 2020 Miracle

Hans has a classmate who lives a little diagonally across from us - it takes less than a minute’s walk from our door to their door. I think the mom is great and always lamented the fact that Hans hated the boy’s guts. We, the moms, wondered if our boys would ever get along.

When the pandemic was declared in March and Toronto went into lockdown, Hans would see this boy ride around the neighbourhood on his own. Strangely, Hans also rode around the neighbourhood by himself. An entire summer went by and the boys didn’t cross paths. Then school started and the boys were in the same class after a year’s break. Hans expressed some disappointment. I also felt a bit of disappointment that even a year’s break didn’t change Hans’ perspective on this boy.

At the beginning of this month, I observed Hans take a different route to his school. This route was the one that he avoided as it takes him in front of this boy’s home, and Hans didn’t want any awkward encounters. However, I noticed that Hans actually looked at the door of this boy’s home as he walked past it. Nothing actually happened for a couple of days and then one day, the boy came running out of his home screaming for Hans to wait for him. Hans walked back to meet him half way and then the boys walked to school together.

I cannot describe the joy I felt watching Hans walk with another child his age. It has been so isolating during the last 9 months, and it was wonderful to see Hans NOT walk alone.

A few minutes ago, we drove past this boy’s home and I saw his mother in the driveway. I asked Craigley to “roll down the window” and then I shouted to her, “Our boys are walking together!”. She smiled the biggest smile. 

She had the same joy on her face that I felt a few days ago.

One of my students recently remarked that it is not easy to be happy these days. I agreed with her. However, I told her and the rest of the class that we can try doing things that make us feel good about life - we can give someone a second chance or we can say a kind word or two to anyone when we can.

Small deeds can have big impacts.

Bending over backwards until the back breaks

The thought of a back breaking is bad enough and it is tragic when it is self-inflicted to accommodate somebody!

We live in an extremely sensitive world where we have to be careful about what we say - it is beyond politically correct and it is a new age of cancel culture. People of colour and parents with children with special needs continue to fight their personal and collective battles against a world that has often overlooked them or marginalized them. I understand. I am teaching the history of Canada now, and I am learning about the treatment of First Nations people in the last 150+ years.

Advocacy of minorities becomes an essential means to win some battles.

Right now, I would love to advocate on behalf of the 10 students I have in my class with IEPs (Individual Education Plans); however, I am simply trying to do my best for all of them given my lack of experience with special education. The last 2 days, I had an opportunity to speak with 8 of the 10 parents, with children with special needs, who signed up for parent-teacher interviews. 7 out of 8 were thankful to have a teacher who cares and were willing to work with me to support their children.

Then, there is the one parent who hates me and this is not an exaggeration - I had another teacher attend this particular meeting with me and he agreed with me.

This is the parent who gives me major anxiety. She has written several emails to all the prominent people on the school board as well as to me (while CCing all the prominent people on the school board plus advocacy groups and the Human Rights Commission) about my incompetence. Out of a class of 26 students with various needs that I am trying desperately to meet, somehow I am failing this parent’s child consistently.

The child attends class regularly, approaches me for help and engages in class discussions.

I believe that the child’s mental health and wellbeing are being taken care of - we are in the middle of a pandemic; trapped in our homes for a very long time. Virtual School was created out of nothing to accommodate students who need to be home for many different reasons. There were delays and there was a teacher shortage. Some of us stepped up to fill the gaps. Some of us are putting in hours every single day including weekends to ensure students get the maximum out of this setup.

And yet, this one parent is not even a bit understanding of the situation we are all in. At this point in time, I am trying to save my spirit from being broken. The teacher who was on the call with me told me not to take it personally and it is only 6 more months and this would all end!

40 Days + One

Last Thursday, November 26^th, I shared with my students that it was my 40^th day of teaching in Virtual School and shared the word “Quarantine” and its origins to commemorate my milestone. If it had been in real life, I would have definitely done something more upbeat!

Acknowledging the completion of 40 days was a way for me to celebrate my survival in Virtual School. Each day I want to quit and wish desperately for the pandemic to end. Each morning I wake up and read the “rants” of various teachers on Twitter and realize that I am not alone. I have rants in double quotation marks because that is what it may seem like for others who are not in the teaching profession and who are not in Virtual School. However, this is some teachers' reality and they are honestly talking about their professional lives as they have no time left for their personal lives!

This was the academic year I was going to support Hans with anything and everything. However, the boy is flying solo. And the sweetest part is that we seem to have switched roles - he keeps checking on me. I have lost count of the many times he has asked me, “How are you doing mom?” OR “Are you OK mom?”. Some nights, he has hugged me to give me strength as I sat, looking lost, in front of my laptop (that my mom financed). Those are the days and nights I told/tell myself that this situation is temporary and there will be an end. 

Our lives are temporary too and I am glad mine is filled with the love and support of my family and friends and recently, neighbours and even perfect strangers. So, I have decided to celebrate the 45^th day, the 50^th and so on and so forth.