Meretricious

Back in June, Craigley's mother passed away. My parents wanted to pay their respects and so, Craigley, Hans and I decided to pick them up and go in one car.

The last time I saw my mother-in-law was at my father-in-law's funeral service in December 2021. Craigley saw his mother a couple of times, in the hospital, prior to her passing away! 

Craigley hadn't been on speaking terms with both his parents since 2011. Both the dearly departed also didn't attempt to make any contact with their 2 grandchildren - ASid and Hans. This is a family that takes silent treatments seriously.

Going back to June and the day at the funeral home for Craigley's mother's service ... 

It was a 2-hour service, and towards the end, Craigley told me that he was going to drop off his cousin. He took off before I could say anything. My parents were a little confused and wondered when he would be back to get us home! I ended up calling Craigley on his phone and luckily, he answered. He said it would take him an hour to drop his cousin and then, he would be able to swing by for us.

All of this could seem normal to some people, but to me this sounded insane. He left his child, his wife, and his in-laws to give a ride to a man who made the conscious decision to take public transportation to the funeral home. And to put things in perspective, this is the cousin who is supposedly the most successful cousin on Craigley’s mother’s side of the family. He is 2 years older than Craigley and retired when he was 47. That was almost a dozen years ago. This man also has no child, no wife and obviously, no in-laws. He is currently walking other people’s dogs for pittance. He doesn’t need the money and he definitely didn’t need the ride from Craigley.

I called an Uber and got my parents to their home and that is where I waited for Craigley to pick up Hans and me.

My parents were baffled by this behaviour. They realized that they don’t quite know their son-in-law. A few weeks later, earlier this month, their son-in-law sent their daughter a note from his lawyer seeking immediate separation! My parents realized that they didn’t quite know anything about my marriage. The last few days have been strange and never-ending. ASid is perhaps handling it the best. Hans is a bit of a mess. He doesn’t understand how a parent would schedule a separation a few days before his child started high school. That, in itself, is a huge transition. But then, is there a good time to end a marriage?

Craigley and I have been married 22 years. It is hard to imagine not being married and to not have the life I am accustomed to living. And yet, I managed to find a place to rent for Hans and me within days of receiving the letter. I want the boy to be able to go to school with his friends even if he can’t come home to both his parents. I am trying to clean up our home so we could sell and go our separate ways. It is all happening too fast, and it is hard to breathe at times. I keep wondering if I should perhaps save my marriage. Today, ASid provided clarity. We both discovered the word “meretricious” on a show we are watching together. ASid looked at me and said that his dad is meretricious, and he wanted me to know that the separation is the best thing that could happen to me.

Meretricious, according to the online dictionary that popped up when I Googled, means someone who is “apparently attractive but having in reality no value or integrity”. I have been living with a shiny bauble. Time to move on!

Milky Tea and Mac ‘n’ Cheese

Recently, Hans told me that I make the best mac ‘n’ cheese. I should have been thrilled about it; but alas, I wasn’t! The reason is that that’s all I have made for him in the last 2 years … in terms of cooking! And it wasn’t even from scratch - I must share credit with PC white cheddar mac ‘n’ cheese boxes. My contribution is some broccoli or sautéed mushrooms, and extra cheese of the gourmet kind!

Now, ASid is back for a few days. (Note: If anyone is wondering where he has been, they must read till the bottom of this post.) So, what does ASid want Momley to make for him? Milky tea! Instead of soaking a tea bag in a cup of hot water, I soak it in a cup of hot milk and then, add a bit of sugar to it. Apparently, this is what ASid believes I can do for him. He can probably do it for himself; but he makes me feel special when he makes this request.

Then, there is their maternal grandmother. She can whip up a 3-course meal within an hour. I enjoy eating everything my mom makes. I cannot narrow it down to one dish. My children, on the other hand, have successfully managed to do just that!

Following are 2 posts from the last month - the first one is from the day of the Rogers nationwide outage and the second is from a day where nothing significant happened.

Captain’s Log

There were days I wanted to document my thoughts and never got it. It felt so important at that time. Now, I am not sure what it was that I wanted to preserve for posterity?!

Today, I could be doing a lot of things. Most importantly, submitting some assignments for my online course. Unfortunately, the Internet service is down at my home and other homes. There is also no access to TV and other streaming services. Strangely, I am not motivated to write at all; however, I feel like I should try. Maybe this is also an opportunity to read a book.

My life the last 10 months was busy with another contract. This particular contract got me 9.9 paid personal days. I only used .5 so I could be on time for Hans’ Grade 8 graduation. Yes, the boy is off to high school. His brother is moving along quite nicely as well. ASid has completed the 3^rd year of his undergraduate degree and currently in Vancouver doing a 3-month summer internship with an internationally renowned company. I couldn’t be prouder of the 2 boys.

Secret Friendships

Since the last 3 years and a bit, I have been busy with my career. In that time, Hans transitioned from Public School to Middle School and ASid from High School to University. Within that time, I got to attend 3 graduation ceremonies - ASid’s Grade 12, Hans’ Grade 5, and Hans’ Grade 8. With the first 2 ceremonies, I knew how my children got there and I knew their friends and the friends’ parents. With the most recent graduation, I felt a little bit like a stranger. I used to know everything about my boys and suddenly, it is like I have been cut off from their lives.

Hans seems to be revelling in his “independence”. He has deliberately kept his friends a secret from me. It is not like he doesn’t talk about them - he talks about them like I talk about my friends on this blog, with a certain sense of anonymity.

The Wide Perspective

On May Two-Four, my all-time favourite TV series came to an end. In the penultimate episode, one of the characters had the following to say:

If you step back and look at the whole picture, if you're brave enough to allow yourself the gift of a really wide perspective, if you do that, you'll see that the end is not sad. It's just the start of the next incredibly beautiful thing.

I believe I have always had the gift of a wide perspective. Recently, I wrote the following to the Eternal Boy:

My "romantic" relationships have been unfortunate ... No regrets and no complaints!

Each of my relationships, romantic or otherwise, have taught me about who I am and what I want.

The definitive conclusion is that I haven't been loved the way I deserve to be loved. That makes me sad. Not regretting … not complaining … just stating a simple fact!

I want the boys to understand that it is alright to accept the way things are if they can “live with it”! However, it is never too late to pursue happiness and change the course of their lives.

The tiniest load of laundry

In 3 days, it would be 10 years since I created this blogger account. I haven’t been as active lately. However, this is the first time in a long time that I actually felt like typing my thoughts.

Most people in my life know that Craigley and I are 2 very different individuals. We don’t see eye to eye on almost everything, and so it is a miracle that we have been married for 21 years (and counting).

For better or for worse, it is what it is!

One of the disagreements we have is about the type of mask that Hans should wear to school. I am a proponent of disposable masks and Craigley would like everyone to wear reusable ones. We can all take a side and argue till the cows come home, or just let it go.

So let’s let it go!

Then what am I doing here? I just wanted to share a conversation from this morning. As Craigley and Hans left for Hockey, Hans asked me for a disposable mask. At which point, Craigley made fun of the fact that Hans didn’t wash his reusable mask the night before. At which point, I wanted to make fun of Craigley about the fact that the only load of laundry he has done in over 20 years consistently has been soaking his reusable mask in a tiny plastic toy pail and hanging it to dry couple of times a week.

It is duly noted that the above paragraph ended in a run on sentence.

Craigley is an individual who works from home and rarely needs to use a mask. Hans walks to school, goes up and down flights of stairs and runs around at recess. His mask gets wet and he probably needs at least one change.

Some of us make convenient choices based on affordability and time. Some of us do 2-3 or more loads of laundry per week. Some of us take pride in washing a mask as required and hold it up as a standard.

Live and let live.

Sense of Purpose

I recently shared with a friend that a full-time job takes away time that I could use to perhaps write that book or to spend some time with family and friends. Yet, when I am not preoccupied with a full-time commitment, I still get nothing done.

It is easy to blame the several streaming services we subscribe to every month. Each weekend for the last 4-5 weekends, I have binge watched several limited series. I have become selective about watching series with 10 or less episodes. More than 10 episodes is a serious commitment! This has allowed me to feel a sense of self control (although there really isn't any).

Would it be best to simply not watch anything at all? Now, there is a novel idea!

However, there is a real fear of being disconnected to others. Last school year, I was somewhat cool because I got references to shows and series the Grade 8 students were casually talking about.

Would not being able to make those connections make me a relic of sorts?! Who knows?!

I wrote all of that to myself 2 months ago on November 1, 2021. Since then, a lot has happened. 2 weeks prior to the winter break, I was reassigned to an in-person classroom. That was a little stressful as it was also a little unexpected. I actually have a physical classroom for the very first time in my teaching career. It is classified as a “developmentally delayed” classroom. I have 4 students - ranging from 7 to 10 years old. I work with 2 education assistants, and yet I came home tired every workday! I planned to do some work over the break, and instead binge watched like there is no tomorrow. Maybe I needed some normalcy - something familiar and comforting. I guess I achieved that to an extent.

Now, I go back to work in less than 2 days. There is this dreadful feeling inside of me that I have wasted so much precious time - time that could have been invested in my new classroom! However, I also know that when I am back in the classroom, that’s all I will focus on.

So, why I am here on the first day of a New Year feeling like I need to make some changes to my life? I haven’t figured that out yet!

What I need to reassure myself is that I did spend some time with my family and friends. Maybe I didn’t get to everyone, but I did what I could. I had some interesting conversations with ASid and Hans. ASid had a crazy semester and he has decided to give himself a break next semester. Hans took over Christmas and gave me a break. The boys continue to be my best “accomplishments”.

More and more I realize that they need me less and less. Perhaps that is what I am missing out on - being a major part of their lives. I am trying to fill my time with work and catching up on missed movies and shows. The sense of purpose I have as their mother is so strong that I am afraid to replace it with anything else. Anything else may fall short or disappoint.

It is good to take some time and reflect on life as a year ends and a new one begins. I am sure I will also figure out how to spend my time in a purposeful manner. Until then, I hope this is the best year yet for me and for everyone else.

Challenging Situations

This school year, I have a contract to teach a special education class online. I thought long and hard before I took the job. Hans is 13 now and he is at an age where he may need more time from me just to share his thoughts or express his fears or simply to watch a favourite show together. I thought about the flexibility of occasional teaching versus the benefits of a full-time contract. Finally, the sheer necessity of financial stability loomed large and silenced all the little voices in my head. I felt like I no longer had the luxury of choice.

So, here I am. I have been working for 3 weeks and 2 days now. In a rather unfortunate coincidence, Hans' dental work began 3 weeks ago. He had/has 4 weekly appointments to begin work on his braces. Today was his 3rd appointment. The dentist's office called me at work. They were distressed that Hans was alone for his appointment. He had 2 teeth removed and he was in a bit of pain. His father dropped him off there and gave him his phone to call him when Hans was ready to be picked up! The receptionist reminded me that Hans is only 13 and a parent needs to be present if there is an emergency. 18 is when a child is considered an adult and that's when a parent can drop this child/adult off and not look back ... nobody cares! My mind was racing when I heard all of this. First emotion was that of guilt. I wasn't there for Hans. Second was a feeling of frustration. How could Craigley just leave Hans and take off?! 

I heard later that he was sitting in the car in the parking lot. It made no sense to me. Craigley and I had a few words. To divert my attention, he proceeded to ask me about my workday. He wondered how my challenging students were?! I was caught up in anger and sorrow at the same time and responded, "Sometimes home is more challenging".

It is true. When you know someone has special needs, you are aware of how to accommodate them. When someone you believe you can trust does something "special", then that is truly a challenging situation.

I have learned to ignore all the special circumstances that have popped up unexpectedly in my married life. It is getting harder to do so. I am running out of excuses for the one person I believed I could count on. Even as I feel helpless, I look for some small source of hope. Today, it arrived in the guise of a phone call. Hans' dentist called to check on him. He mentioned that he didn't quite remember Hans from before. However, he has reacquainted himself with my child in the last few weeks. He wanted to let me know that I have a great kid. I was ready to cry, but I collected myself and thanked him profusely. I needed to hear something positive at the end of the day. That was it!

The "Forked up" Life

I have been watching The Good Place for a few days now. And I also watched a movie titled The Nest two days ago. Normally, I wouldn't have made a connection between the two. These days, however, I am in a strange frame of mind. I am questioning everything I believed about myself. My biggest worry is if I am indeed the good mother that everybody seems to believe I am. I am beginning to think that ASid is just pure luck and Hans is an intrinsic challenge.

I got lucky with the former and can't seem to rise to the challenge with the latter. So, what is Momley all about?! I do not know at this point in time.

This is the Thanksgiving long weekend. This is almost always when I take the time to reflect on my life. Recently, it feels like my life has been served to me on the proverbial silver platter and somehow I am not appreciating it enough. It is, as if, I want to be some tragic figure and feel burdened by it all. That's why the title of this post is so apt.

My mom has this saying where someone gets a plate of food ready and just before serving it, they spit on it. The conclusion is why bother preparing a feast when you won't let people enjoy it! In my case, I feel like I am spitting on and destroying what life is offering.

I want the boys to know that it is OK to feel a little down some days. Just not to let the feeling weigh them down forever. I know why I started writing this blog. It is supposed to be a place the boys could visit and hear Momley's voice. It is supposed to be a stand-in for me long after I am gone. I thought I was writing for them. However, I got a note from KPF a few days ago and this is what he had to say about this blog:

Good way to keep a journal, to remember and I suppose a sort of meditation and therapy.

I never looked at it that way. I have called this my safe space where I can say anything and there is no one to judge me. Then I opened it up for a few select family members and friends who drop by here to get an update on the boys. I guess somewhere on the way I have been writing to express myself. And it has been therapeutic!

I decided to investigate why anyone would make a movie like The Nest since it got me thinking about my own life. Turns out the man who wrote and directed the movie, Sean Durkin, a Canadian, had this to say about his work, "When I make a film, I think about things that scare me. My exploration of those things is to try and wrap my head around them and confront them." Strangely, I know what he means.

Yesterday, we had our annual Thanksgiving lunch hosted by Bambino and my sister-in-law. When a family can gather for a meal and sit around a table and share some feelings, it puts things in perspective.  Life is not so forked up!