The Defence Lawyer

Craigley ‘accused’ me of being ASid’s defence lawyer several times in the last 23 years. I believe I took on that role as ASid was, at one point, a defenceless child against Craigley’s tyranny or what I perceived as tyranny. Someone could call it Craigley being the strict parent or Craigley showing tough love. As I have often mentioned here before, it is all in the perspective.

Anyways, this post is not about Craigley; it is about me being ASid’s defence lawyer.

In the last 5 years, a few people other than Craigley have passed judgement calls about ASid. As they say, everyone is entitled to their judgement. Fair enough.

Without going into gore details, I will simply say that when a child is privileged, they will take for granted some of their privileges. Such is the case with ASid. His maternal grandfather is an enabler. He is also ASid’s ‘landlord’. My father gets a kick out of ASid living his life. To go back to yesterday’s post, ASid has done the opposite of what Smoggie did. ASid went shopping for colourful clothes before he paid off his debt to his grandfather; but he did pay off his debt after the shopping spree.

And in ASid’s defence, that debt was between him and his grandfather. It is nobody else’s business.

They say that Gen Z is different from Gen X. I can ‘see’ it. Smoggie and I come from a time where we worked like crazy in our first jobs. Work ethic meant something. We were always trying to prove our worth. ASid is confident and sometimes even a little overconfident about his self-worth. It scares me, this overconfidence. But I also admire it in a way. I wish I could be a brat. But I am not. While I am not, I will not judge my child for doing things differently from me.

So long as he pays off his debts, he is okay in my books.

Stories Worth Repeating

2024 is almost done. 4 more days to go, if I count today.

This has been a good year for the boys and me. I have no complaints. I also have nothing new to share with the boys, but I felt like sharing something I already wrote almost 7 years ago. I brought it up with ASid yesterday. I wasn’t lecturing him in any way, I was simply letting him know about certain stories that have left an impact on me

This one is the one about Smoggie and his ‘white shirts and khaki pants’. That’s all he wore, like a uniform, until he paid off his debt to his mother. For some reason, I didn’t mention his mother in that post. Perhaps I was protecting her privacy then, and now I bring her up in solidarity with all the mothers who quietly support their children and are happy to be in the background. I guess I have no right to put myself in the same category as them since I loudly proclaim everything I do for my children on this platform. Loud or quiet, mothers make an impact on their children’s lives.

For the last 2 years, I have been the main parent in the boys’ lives while Craigley makes guest appearances. While he is present, he puts on quite the show and indulges them with all things they love. All of this frustrates me, and lately, Hans has been hiding his exploits with his dad. When I found out, it made me sad. I realized that I had become that person.

Fathers make an impact on their children’s lives too - good or bad. Hans needed to know that it is okay for him to love his dad. It is perfectly alright to create happy memories with the other parent. Just because we are not together does not mean that the children can’t have the best of both the worlds.

I believe this post is mainly about me coming to terms with the fact that, absent or present, the boys have 2 parents. Also, Craigley and I are not the only role models in their lives. The boys are surrounded by amazing people who have stories to inspire them for the rest of their lives.

Stories worth repeating.

The Games We Play, and The Connections We Make … or Break!

There are moments in your life when you know things are not going to be the same again. For Hans, this happened (again) recently.

Christmas Eve, we used to gather at my parents’ home, and then later, we used to gather at our home, and since the separation, we went back to gathering at my parents’ home. Hans and I were there 2 days ago, and so were ASid and his girlfriend, with the rest of our family and family friends. On the 24^th, we play the game of Sneaky Santa where presents are opened and presents are stolen, and there are highs and lows, and general pandemonium. This year, the coveted present was a box of Pokémon cards in a sweet collectible tin.

The moment where Hans registered that his brother was no longer his was the moment ASid ‘stole’ the tin of cards from Hans to give his lady love. That moment was also not lost on me. And I decided to steal that tin from my firstborn for my lastborn. It was just a game, but for a moment it became all about life. I had to let Hans know that his mother was still alive and well, and in his corner. Emotions were riding the proverbial rollercoaster. Eventually, the tin ended up with Hans.

Yesterday, Hans was worried that he may have hurt his cousin’s feelings over the quest for this tin. I told him not to worry. My nephew has my brother in his corner. He will be okay. And at the end of the day, Hans also has ASid in his corner.

It feels like we have lost our loved ones when they find their loves. That feeling, fortunately, is momentary. At the risk of coming across as cheesy on a Boxing Day, I will end by writing that we are simply expanding our universe of love. We can make a new connection or risk breaking an existing one simply because of a moment where we think we have lost a loved one to someone else.

Hans not only has his tin, but he also has another person in his life now who will eventually love him like a brother. 

Happy Days are Here … Again!

I am just not talking about the Winter Break, although I am happy that I have 2 weeks off. Work has kept me incredibly busy. I could write a chapter book on it, but I want to keep this post short and sweet.

I am here to make another announcement about another job!

ASid has procured his 1^st full-time job and has been busy since December 16^th. It is a proud moment for a parent. At 23, ASid has accomplished what some young people say is difficult do - find a job in Toronto! I don’t know if this is true, but it looks good on my kid. I will take this ‘win’.

The last 2 years have been an adjustment for the boys, and it is wonderful to know that they kept going and doing what they needed to do. 2 days ago, Hans wondered if it’s okay if he goes to college instead of university. He said that it doesn’t matter to him what other people think, and I told him that it doesn’t matter to me too.

I am not sure why we have set up this illusion that university is better than college.

I am glad that Hans has no such delusions. Happy days are indeed here. Happy holidays everyone!

It is just a job!

After my last interview failed to materialize into a job offer, I decided to simply continue to be a supply teacher. Then unexpectedly a principal reached out to me to apply for a job posting at her school. She got my name from a principal who was kind enough to get my permission to share my contact info with her. So, I applied for the job on Thursday. I had the interview on Friday, and I got the job offer on Monday. My first day of work was 2 days ago. I have a 3-year contract position at this small school in Scarborough.

After almost 6 years of supply teaching with a few short-term teaching assignments thrown in there, this is big. It is big because the last time I had something like this was 23 years ago, and on some days, it felt like I would never get it back. Now, even when I have what I thought of as elusive, all I can think of is that nothing has changed. I will still be showing up for work like I usually do, I will just get paid on a consistent basis.

All the introspection made me think of what Smoggie told me once - it is just a job! In some ways, it is. I am replaceable. However, most days, I feel indispensable. And I guess, that’s how we get through life … at least some of us! If we don’t feel somewhat important about what we do, then what’s it all about?

While I continue to mull over my ‘new’ job and give myself undue value, I can’t help but think of all the people who have supported me in getting to this point. I am so thankful to have them in my life. They know who they are. Happy Thanksgiving to them and to everyone.

There will be good days.

Three Free Meals

A while ago, I was at a restaurant for some take-out and saw a young man in the corner. He was simply standing there. It didn't seem like he was buying food. So, I asked the cashier if I could buy a meal for the young man. The cashier said that he would provide a meal for the young man at the end of the day. So, I asked the young man directly if he wanted a meal. He nodded affirmatively. I let him choose what he wanted and paid for it. He was very appreciative and started eating right away. When I got home, and narrated the incident to Hans, he exclaimed, "Mom, you saved his life!". I responded with, "I bought him one meal of his life.". That was what it was.

A few weeks later, I was getting out of a subway station and ran into a man. This man wondered if I could buy him a sandwich as he was hungry and he had just enough money to buy a bus ticket. I thought why not! I had $15, but the sandwich and a drink cost more. I ended up using my debit card. The man thanked me and as I was leaving, he said, "I need $15 for my bus ticket.". I was a little dismayed, and literally ran out of the shop. The man tried to follow, and I told him to not forget his drink. He ran back for his drink, and I escaped. That was a little scary.

Today, I was at the Court House for Jury Duty. At lunch, we were told we could leave the room and even the building. I decided to check out the cafeteria in the basement and stay within the building. As I got to the entrance to the cafe, a man came out and wondered if I could buy him a sandwich. He was one of the potential jurors and looked rather raggedy. I guess I have a need to buy food/sandwiches for random men! So, I bought him what he wanted - a cheeseburger. I had to endure some conversation while we waited for the burger to be made and for me to make the payment. The man said he would want to pay me back tomorrow. I was like it is okay as I do not want to be back tomorrow. This man was hoping to get selected as he is unemployed, and he would like the $40 they pay starting on the 11th day of Jury Duty.

I had time today and wanted to capture the three moments. They reflect the human condition in a heartbreaking way. So, will I ignore or walk away next time? I don't know.

 

Follow-up: The last random man got selected for the jury. It is a 2-week criminal trial, and he will get his $40 payday. I am happy for him. I requested to be excused, and I was! I am happy for me.

Been There on That Road!

Since my separation from their dad, both the boys feel extra protective about me. They have said ridiculous statements such as they would take care of me, and I would never have to work. And, that they would build a library for me - not sure if it is a room or a building?! They want me to get back to leisurely reading that I used to enjoy so much and don’t do so anymore.

When making such proclamations, they seem very united. Then, they have opposing views regarding the path their mom gets to choose, moving forward!

ASid is all for his mom meeting someone suitable and starting life fresh. Hans is all about his mom NOT meeting anyone ever! I guess it makes sense. ASid is 23 and independent. Hans is 16 and still quite dependent. Their dad has moved out and moved on. Hans feels the abandonment more so than ASid. If their mom moves on with someone else, where does that leave Hans?!

Luckily, for the boy, he is his mom's priority and reason to be. Also, his mom is happy where she is.

As I am writing this post, I have gone from 1st person to 3rd person and back to 1st person. I feel like that in life too. There is me and there is the mom; but fortunately, we consult with each other. And I realized that the mom is a far superior being than me. On any given day, she has her head on straight. I believe the choices the mom makes work for me too. I am happy where I am.