The Inner Voice

Recently, I saw a post about how a parent's voice could become a child's inner voice! The gist of it is that we need to be careful how we talk to our children since that could become their inner voice down the road.

I thought about it and I believe I agree with it. Here is why!

Craigley has been telling ASid, for about 2 years, that he cannot do anything well; to be fair, he means report cards and at one point in time, piano practice/exams. So, technically, Craigley believe(d/s) that ASid could not finish his RCM Grade 6 piano exam ‎and that ASid cannot bring home a decent report card. True ‎to Craigley's "predictions", ASid quit piano in his RCM Grade 6 preparation year and ASid has also been bringing home what Craigley calls mediocre report cards!

One might interject at this point in the narrative and ask about the other parent's voice!

‎I am the other parent and I keep insisting that I believe ASid could do anything. Perhaps my voice is not loud enough?! Perhaps I don't brainwash the boy enough?! Where has my voice gone? How come it seems like Craigley's voice has become ASid's inner voice?

So, I brought this up with ASid. He brushed it off by saying, "Don't worry Mom! My inner voice is your voice!" I basked in that reassurance for about 2.2 days.

Last night, ASid revealed that he has been having bad dreams about his report card. I looked at him and actually asked, "What happened to the child I am bringing up?"‎ He said, in a matter of fact tone, "He committed pseudocide!" Is that even a word? Apparently, it is a kind of suicide! You don't really kill yourself, but you kill something within yourself. I objected and said that he might as well have killed me as he did kill that part of himself being raised by me!

I know this sounds like too much melodrama between a teen boy and a forty something mom. However, I cannot believe that my voice has died silently without a fight. My own inner voice refuses to believe that either! So, what's the plan? I am going to get loud and make sure my voice goes down those teen ears and stays in there.

Luckily, just yesterday, ‎I was reminded of a song from about 20 years ago - Chumbawamba's "Tubthumping". I think I am gonna sing it loudly everyday till it becomes ASid's inner voice.

Note: Parents, I will only be singing the refrain over and over again. No alcohol will be consumed or will be encouraged to consume!

Post Note: I looked up “pseudocide” and it actually means “faking one’s own death”! The things I learn with a teen! Well, ASid was in French Immersion for a good 8 and half years. I will excuse his understanding of the English language and/or its usage! At least, I had the good sense to look up the word. Now I know and I have a few more words to drive into the teen’s ears!

 

Dying in a dream

This morning, Hans showed up at the kitchen table on his own. I did not have to wake him up! While I was rejoicing this fact, I couldn't help but notice that Hans looked like he was ready to cry! When I asked him why he looked like that, he burst into tears. Then he started talking and I didn't understand anything. I ran off to get him some tissues and after he calmed down a little bit, he let me know that he had a bad dream.

...he met some sea lions and then he fell off into water and then he tried to swim and couldn't reach a rock and then he died...

And then he cried some more. So, I told him that it is only a dream and it didn't really happen. He is still alive. But Hans always needs an explanation; simplistic reassurances don't work with this child.

I decided to share my own dream experience where I died. Just like Hans, I woke up feeling worried and‎ scared. I actually pondered on the real possibility of me dying and all the work that I would leave incomplete if that happened. What would happen to the boys then?!

I actually shared that with Hans and as I did, I started crying too! But I had to ‎stop and gather myself. I let Hans know that I searched on Google for dream interpretation websites. From reading on a few of them, I found out that death in a dream means wanting to be a better person in real life. We are letting go of who we were and moving towards who we could be! As a concrete example, I asked him to look at himself. Every day, I have to wake him up and today, he woke on his own. On the same lines, yesterday, he did his homework by himself. I told him that he is becoming a better boy than he was and in my eyes, he has always been an awesome boy!

I think that helped him cope with his terrible dream. I was still concerned and gave him the option of staying home. He declined my very generous offer and decided to go to school!

Wow! That dream interpretation stuff is quite accurate or it is a crazy cool coincidence! Before I over thought that, I had to remind myself to just enjoy the moment...And I have been doing just that since this morning!

 

My Friend KPF - the origin story

This is not a story about how my friend is a superhero or how I gained super powers‎. This is a story about friendship and how it all began.

KPF, Craigley and I went to the same postgraduate school. I noticed Craigley right away as he hurled an insulting comment at me even when I didn't directly seek his assistance in any way. I did not really like the guy! On the other hand, it took a while to notice KPF as he was perhaps the quietest guy and he helped everyone quietly without seeking any credit. 

When I started at the school, I was getting over my one and only relationship that fell apart over 6 months ago; however, I was still hurting. ‎Since it was an IT school, there were very few girls - a ratio of 1:5! It was almost therapeutic to be in a place where there was overwhelming male attention; especially for a girl who was dumped for not being a looker! I believe I flirted outrageously with every guy who showed an interest; it was just that and nothing serious.

The one guy who showed absolutely no interest in me was KPF (amongst the single and available lot). However, if we had a project to work on, he would be there to help me or anyone else for that matter. This caring ‎attitude set him apart. He was a guy who didn't put on a show. He just was!

One day, it just so happened that the class finished and everyone left rather quickly. I continued to work on something; it was super quiet till I heard a cough. So, I figured there was someone else in the classroom with me. I heard the coughing some more as I continued to work. A few minutes later, I wrapped up and as I was about to leave, I looked to see who the other person was. It was KPF. He looked up and smiled. I smiled back and turned to leave, and for whatever reason, I changed my mind and walked back into the classroom.

"Why were you coughing so much?"

"Cystic Fibrosis."

"OK. Bye."

I didn't know what that meant. I quickly found a computer and looked it up. It was 1998. Google wasn't there and Yahoo was all the rage. I got my answer. It was a lot of information, but the bottom line was that a person with CF rarely lived to be 40. I was almost 24 then and I figured KPF was around the same age.‎ About 15 more years of Life! Tears started rolling down my cheeks. I think I cried on the sidewalk, on the subway and on the bus, and didn't stop till I got home.

I thought about my ‎breakup and how much undue importance I had given it. I wasted a whole lot of time dwelling on it when life is so short. Life should be spent with the people who are in my life and who want to be in my life. Life should also be spent with people I want in my life. I decided there and then that I wanted KPF in my life...whether he likes it or not!

And it has been that way since then...I am always pushing for KPF to visit me or I show up where he is and demand that he spend time with me; I keep sending him‎ pieces of my writing and links to this blog! Whether he has time or not; and whether he likes it or not...he is always there for me! My friend KPF!

So, it was ‎astonishing to receive a note from him a couple of months ago that stated that he has CF and that it should be regarded with very little concern. I was like Dude! I have known it for over 18 years! What is the meaning of this?! Such is our friendship - He said it once and I heard it once, and it was really of insignificant importance. The moments we spent together that have become memories that will last forever are what matter the most.

I remember particularly the Winterlude in 1999 when I needed to find myself and went to see KPF in Ottawa. As I stood with KPF in what seemed like the middle of nowhere; silence surrounded us and snowflakes started falling all around. There was an eerie beauty in that moment. I found strength and purpose, and found myself! I think I dragged KPF all around Ottawa with me in that crazy cold. And I don’t even like the cold! But I did and If not for that, I wouldn't have taken a chance with a man I disliked from the first moment I met him. Because I did, I have ASid and Hans…the best gifts in my Life!

5 days ago was KPF's 43rd birthday. He was in Portugal that day. Here is wishing him 43 more and many trips around the world!

Happy birthday my friend! Thank you!

Addendum:

Upon reflection, this post portrays me as some sort of a stalker who married the man she hates! I hope it ain't so! The post is meant to be an example for the boys ‎that they should give people in their lives a second chance and hopefully, they get a second chance as well. First impressions are just that; we have to dig deeper to get to know people. We have to ask questions and listen...if not, we may miss an opportunity of a lifetime. Now, that would be a tragedy.

 

First Flight

Hans was 8 years, 2 months and 8 days old when he boarded the airplane to Vancouver en route to Disneyland California. His first flight ever and he was super excited and scared ("You know how it is!” he casually remarked.)!

Then he went onto say the following:

How does one go to toilet on a plane? Does the seat flip? Maybe that's not good as everyone can see you! It is not bad if you can have metal barriers pop up when the seat flips so other people can't see you.

Of course! He soon discovered the on flight lavatories. ‎All the grandiose visions he had were shattered quite quickly. His ears hurt and he didn't like that very much. The food had to be bought and it wasn't even mediocre. I felt bad for him!

I remembered my first flight. It was under very unfortunate circumstances. My paternal grandfather passed away in 1988. I wasn't quite 14 yet. We were in a different city and we had to get there as soon as we could for the final rites. My Dad took off immediately. My Mom and I were on the next available flight. ‎My brother, who was just 12, ended up on a flight all by himself. Even in such a terrible time, it was quite exciting. I actually saw 2 movie stars and got an autograph from one of them. This one actually sat right across from me in the waiting area! The flight was only 55 minutes, but we got served one of the best meals ever. My first flight was unforgettable for all the right reasons.
 

Hans' first flight was almost forgettable except for what happened outside of that flight. As soon we took off‎ and all through the flight, all he had to do was look outside of his window to see fluffy clouds and tops of mountains and tiniest of houses and curvaceous water bodies...those he will remember forever and that's all that matters!

Forgetfulness and Lost Items

Craigley once told ASid that the latter might one day lose his underwear at school! Quite the exaggerated statement to make‎, but most parents berate their children with such words on occasion.

ASid has lost the usual hats, mittens and ‎scarves at school. He has lost the usual water bottles and lunch bags as well. Most kids lose these "usual" items. Some parents buy backups of these items; helps them cope better!

‎Last year, Hans lost his snow pants at school. Hans is usually super careful, and this was the first item he ever lost. It was like he skipped a few steps in between! There was this one mom who kept insisting she saw Hans' snow pants in the lost and found bins. However, every time I checked the very same bins, I did not find Hans' snow pants. Towards the end of winter, this very same mom brought Hans' snow pants to me. She claimed something like it was her civic duty to prove to me that she did see Hans' snow pants and she also revealed that her son has the exact snow pants; then, she went onto say that someone could have borrowed Hans' pants?! This mom literally dug a hole for herself as she kept talking. I never looked at her the same way again after that conversation. But I digress!

This post is about Craigley's frustration with ASid's forgetfulness. ‎The worst ASid ever forgot to bring home was his clarinet. It should have been brought back on the last day of Grade 8. We only found out about this towards the end of the summer holidays when we were doing an inventory check for what ASid needed for Grade 9 at his new high school. The clarinet was one of the needed items!

Lucky for ASid that he had a late start on the first day of high school. He had enough time to swing by his former school and retrieve ‎his clarinet. Lucky for him that the clarinet was still in the music room! He was also fortunate that the principal and the music teacher allowed him inside of the school building on what is probably the busiest day of the school year!

Such instances start Craigley off on his ranting about ‎how ASid is so good at losing or forgetting stuff that the day is not far for him to lose his underwear as well!

When I hear Craigley talk like that to ASid, I am reminded of the times when Craigley left for work without his work phone or his wallet or his lunch. It has happened several times! However, I guess it is alright to lose or forget stuff when you are a parent?! To be fair to Craigley, he must want his son to be better than him?! Isn't that what we strive for as parents?!

‎I will not go into much detail here; however on our most recent vacation, Craigley lost his driver's license. ASid was the one who helped me retrace our steps from the day before and waited patiently at a one-of-a-kind City Hall’s lost and found for over half an hour. While we went through that exercise, not once did ASid gloat over this ironic twist in the tale. I guess ASid handled it better than one of his parents! Craigley should be proud of a job accomplished!

Forgetting and losing, and dealing with it...Like father (un)like son!

 

The BEST day ever...

Hans loves to feel like one of the big boys. He loves it when ASid's friends come over. A couple of days ago was no exception! It was ASid's 15th birthday and he invited 4 friends to come over ‎to our home to hang out and have pizza. 2 of the friends were from ASid's new high school and Hans was super excited to meet them.

The night before, Hans could barely contain his excitement. He proclaimed that the next day was going to be the best day of his life.

As each of ASid's friends arrived, Hans made sure he was front and centre of the "Welcome Party" by introducing himself with gusto! It was super cute and absurd at the same time. Hans also made it a point to open the door to his bedroom and show off his well-honed skill at creating amazing messes in every nook, corner and available space! That was annoying and embarrassing for me, but somewhat empowering for Hans. He felt like he was measuring up on some invisible scale. It was a strange display of man cub like bravado that seemed to announce to the high school aged guests that Hans is no less than them!

Hans stuck with the 5 teenagers ‎like his life depended on it. After about an hour, I had to do a quick grocery run; when I got back, Hans wasn't with the teen gang. Upon inquiry, I found out that Hans was relegated to the basement. When I went to check up on him, he said that his older brother told him to get lost. I felt sorry for the little guy, but glad that he was handling the situation quite well.

Hans tried to join the older kids one more time, and was told to leave as the game they were playing was too mature for Hans. The second exclusion hit him hard. ‎Hans walked away and literally drowned out his sorrows by putting on headphones and watching some YouTube content on the iPad. He barely spoke with anyone afterwards, and it almost looked like he was deliberately disengaging himself from the masses. Strangely, by not wanting to associate with the teens, Hans' cool factor increased. The other teens were drawn to him and wanted to know what he was watching/doing?! Hans simply nodded his head and silently signaled to them; he didn't really engage in small talk!

When ASid's friends left and I asked Hans if it had been the best day of his life, he responded with "No, it was a normal day." ‎I expected a barrage of complaints and possibly a therapeutic session to help him deal with rejection, and no such drama ensued! It was an 8 year old who had already moved on.

A normal day is just as good as an anticipated BEST day…sometimes even better!
 

Finding my firstborn!

August 22, 2003 was the day we celebrated ‎ASid turning 2 by taking him to watch Finding Nemo. There were 4 adults and a toddler. Although Sir B had watched the movie already, we were glad he accompanied us! ASid, at that time, had a tendency to not watch a movie to the very end. Craigley and I took turns missing the endings of movies those days, and some days my brother relieved us from that deprivation! Having Sir B there meant that the rest of us could all see a movie from the beginning to the end...for a change!

Fast forward to 2016 and Finding Dory ... I asked ASid if he would like to watch the movie with his Momley for old times' sake?! He was like "Can't! Already made plans with my friends! Sorry!" Part of me was a little crushed; but then I managed to put things in perspective - why would a 14 year old watch an animated family flick with his 41 year old mother? Silly Momley!

ASid's 14th year was challenging. I was told that 13 is rough for girls and 14 for boys. I didn't think much about it then, but perhaps it is true. ASid has been the most unlike his usual self in the last few months.‎ 

... His phone became his best friend ... His friends became more important than ever before ... ‎He became Facebook friends with my dad and not his dad ... 

But then, he also most likely felt unlike his usual self.

... His face broke out ... His body rebelled against him in more ways than one ... His voice cracked ... He shot up in height ...

Some challenges/changes were welcomed and some were despised! It didn't help that Hans kept inquiring about the "red dots" on his older brother's face or that Craigley made "peach fuzz" a catch phrase at the dinner table! To have one's face scrutinized on a daily basis is daunting for sure. No wonder ASid seemed to prefer his own company almost all the time. ‎Perhaps that explains why most teenagers close their doors and shut their families out?!

So, ASid spent the most amount of time, in the last year, in his room. He has emerged to go to school; to eat breakfast, lunch, dinner‎ and the occasional snack; and to watch some TV or Netflix! Some days I look at him and I know exactly who he is and some days I wonder who he is. Could I have lost a boy in the confines of our home?! But then again, I know the boy needs time before he is found.

Meanwhile, I ended up watching Finding Dory with Hans! Well, I have learned to seize those moments when I can. While there are always those moments that could have been, I can’t complain about my life.

On that note, I hope ASid has the most fantastic year of his life…and I hope to find him more outside of his room than inside this year.