Mourning a machine?!

When we moved from our condo to our townhouse almost 8 years ago, the one appliance we needed to purchase was a microwave. Condos included 6 appliances and townhouses only 5!

My mom decided to give us her old microwave as a temporary solution until we bought something that we liked. With so much happening with the move, my mom wanted to help in her own way. It made sense to not have to worry about one more thing!

Like most things in my home that stay put once placed on a flat surface, the old microwave did too! The machine was older than my marriage.

A couple of years ago, the part that we push to open the microwave door fell apart. Wisdom would predict that that was a good time to purchase a replacement; but laziness or resourcefulness, depending on perspective, dictated otherwise!

I found that I could put my finger into the empty space, that was left after the particular part broke, and push this little metal “spring like something” to open the door. So, if the microwave is still functional, why make the effort to replace it?!

For a couple of years, the setup drove almost everyone crazy. The boys and I, on the other hand, got mighty comfortable with where exactly to put a finger in and what exactly to push! Craigley did not protest much and was strangely supportive!

For my birthday, 2 days ago, my brother surprised me with a new microwave. Yesterday, he came by and made the switch. He didn't trust me enough to actually make the switch. For all he knew and he knows his sister only too well, the box would have remained unopened indefinitely.

So, I have a well-reviewed and spanking new microwave sitting on my kitchen counter. It will take some time getting used to this new machine.

Perhaps my brother sensed this weird sense of loss in me, he assured me that he had to replace my microwave because his wife was afraid that one day her finger would be zapped by the unknown metal piece somewhere deep in the dark gaping space where there used to be a safe plastic “pushy thingy”! Bambino needed to deal with his wife's mortal fear and ensure future visits to my home were met with appropriate standards of safety and sanity.

I guess I took a bullet for the team, but I am allowed to mourn my machine!

 

Special Mention

As I age, I am developing this tendency to scrutinize my relationships. I may also be developing a bit of paranoia about some people in my life.

This post is not a negative one though, it is super positive. It is about someone I have known for a while, but rediscovered in the last few months. I actually mentioned this person in a couple of posts; however, this is a special mention!

I am going to name this person JeTi. We met when her daughter and Hans started in Junior Kindergarten. JeTi made her first appearance in my post about Hans’ crisis with peeing or rather not peeing at school. She made a couple of other appearances; most notably in a post about my fears about the boys and who they would be in the future. JeTi has always taken the time to send me a kind note about the boys if she ever ran into them by chance.

When I met JeTi, she was wrapping up her PhD and eventually, she got a job with SickKids and got busy. Even when she was preoccupied with her work, she encouraged me to do something for myself. With her help, I actually started some adult English conversational lessons for new immigrants in our neighbourhood. Although it didn’t last long, it gave me an opportunity to get to know some neighbours and hone my teaching skills. That experience definitely contributed to my recent procuring of my current job with the Toronto District School Board.

2 days ago, I received a Thank You note in the mail from JeTi. The note came with a beautiful bookmark. The note thanked me for my support at Hans’ school and hoped that JeTi and I could be friends even after the kids stop studying together.

If I was as thoughtful as JeTi, I would have thought of a handwritten Thank You note way before she did!  Maybe I am not; so I am writing this blog post as belated reciprocation!

 

Last school year, we ended up “working together” as classroom parents and organizing the graduation party for our children. JeTi did the bulk of the work and I was her backup. As we finished the school year, I realized that I found a kindred spirit. Of all the parents I worked with at Hans’ school, I found JeTi to be most like me. Some could label us stupid and others could elevate us to selfless beings. It doesn’t matter what people think, it is how we function regardless of all the thinking!

I am glad I was able to reconnect with JeTi. I hope we are able to be friends for a very long time. As I age, I need to surround myself with people who actually care and take the time to show they care.

Recently, the boys indulged me by watching one of my favourite movies, My Fair Lady, with me. One of the songs I quite enjoy from that movie is “Show Me”. Sure the song is about expectations in love, but why must there be fewer expectations for other relationships in life?! So, I would like to share a few lyrics here as a conclusion to this post.  

Sing me no song! Read me no rhyme!
Don't waste my time, Show me!
…
Don't wait until wrinkles and lines
Pop out all over my brow,
Show me now!

That false feeling of permanence!

At one point in time, not so long ago, most everything I did outside of my home was voluntary work or unpaid work! There is quite the list, but I will focus on one of the free services I still provide to my friends and neighbours. It is taking care of their abodes when they are away. People seem to trust me with their plants, mail, cars and houses; they hand me the keys to their most valuable assets and go away on vacations.

A few months ago, when my parents were planning their vacation, they wondered if I could take care of their home?! Since I am their daughter, the request was normal. Since I do not drive, the request was a little strange. I have actually walked from my home to my parents' home with Hans on a warm summer day and it took us 55 minutes including a pit stop at Tim Horton's. And that was one way. I could take the TTC, but that is crazy. My parents did not want to bother my brother and they ended up "outsourcing". It worked out well and left me with very little guilt to deal with.

The above anecdote just serves to show that I am NOT able to help everyone in my life. And I do deal with guilt on occasion.

So, why am I focusing on this particular free service I still provide to my friends and neighbours? I am not sure, but it certainly felt like something to ponder on!

My house is probably one of the messiest homes in my neighbourhood. By messy, I do not mean dirty; by messy, I mean that everything is everywhere - mostly mail, paper and toys. Stuff seems to make appearance and stay. As mentioned in an earlier post, no flat surface is spared! Also, I am known from a certain Craigley's perspective as “The Plant Killer". No plant's life has been spared once it made an entrance into my home! And on top of all that, I do not drive.

Given the facts just shared … I collect mail for my neighbours and sort it nicely into various categories. I water their plants diligently and their plants somehow thrive better than in their care. I take pictures of any flowers that bloom in their absence and share those pictures with them so they are happy to know their plants are alive and well. I start their cars' engines, and let them run for a few minutes; make sure they are functional upon their return!

It is amazing how I am able to do things for others that I am unable to do or refuse to do or too lazy to do for myself!

I am a disturbing and frustrating dilemma in a way and that is not exactly a romantic notion by any means. It is a bit tragic. In 4 days’ time, I will be 45. If it is true that Canadians have an average life expectancy of about 81 years; then, I am more than half way through my life. Apparently, in the "mother land", the life expectancy is about 68; that means I am at almost three quarters of my life. Whichever way I measure it, my life is definitely finite. It is time to make some changes. I need to put a little bit of effort into my life and make it as nice as I make it for others.

Perhaps the feeling of temporariness is easier to deal with than the weight of permanence?! But then life itself is temporary. Does that mean I will be wiser than ever with this newfound knowledge gained from this profound reflection?! Time will tell.
 

Two Graduations and a Few Reflections

ASid realized this school year that the plans he makes for himself are not necessarily the ones he needs to follow.

Engineering has always seemed like his ultimate goal; however, he was disenchanted with both Physics and Chemistry in Grades 11 and 12. They didn't engage him like programming and coding did. So, after an intense conflict he felt within himself for a bit, ASid was finally able to articulate that Computer Science is definitely a better fit for him.

At that same age, I let my dad know that I am not cut out for Engineering. I was afraid my dad would be disappointed in me. However, he was super supportive. I hope ASid feels the same way about his parent - that I support him and there is absolutely nothing to be disappointed about! My beautiful baby boy is off to University of Toronto for Computer Science.

Today was ASid's graduation. He was mentioned twice under Special Awards. He got a couple of certificates in a program called FIT, Focus on Information Technology, from The Information and Communications Technology Council (ICTC). Apparently, it shows a student's commitment and interest in the Information Technology field. I guess ASid was kinda prepping for his future when he worked on this certification.

This week, Hans also had a graduation ceremony. He graduated from his elementary school and is off to middle school in September. He is mighty excited about it. At the ceremony, each student was described in a few words. The words used to describe Hans were "kind, happy and a great friend". That was the only time in both the graduation ceremonies where my eyes got moist and I had an emotional moment. This is my other beautiful baby boy and he was perfectly captured in those 6 words!

Hans will feel like an only child soon and will need some friends who can appreciate him for who he is …

ASid is moving out at the end of August and he is looking forward to independence and life on campus. And I am so happy for the boy. When I held him for the first time in my arms, I knew I would have 18 years with him and then, I would have to let him go. My time's up! He will be 18 on August 22nd and a few days later, he will start a new life!

I thought I would be sad, but I am not. I feel wonderful. I feel like I have floated to one finish line with one child. One down and one to go!

We made it boys. We have a few milestones under our collective belts! We have a few more finish lines to cross! The journey is not complete, but we will get there together.

 

The Gift

Today, I walked into a meeting at Hans' school looking for an update on a hot topic and was pleasantly surprised to find out that the "meeting" was really my surprise farewell celebration! At this gathering, I was given a gift. I have mixed feelings about this gift. I am being told I am not being gracious and what not! However, I am allowed to feel the way I feel.

Since I have contributed my time over a period of 7 school years, someone on the School Council decided it was OK to spend some Council funds on a gift for me to show everyone's appreciation for everything I have done! And this crazy request was approved. This is the part I am not comfortable with!

If a bunch of people, who actually care about me, pooled in the money and got a gift - I would have been truly grateful.

A friend described it as a payment for my services. That upset me even more! I did not spend hours at Hans' school expecting a payment! In fact, equating the gift to a payment is an insult of sorts.

For some reason, nobody seems to understand why I am feeling the way I am feeling. And that's OK. I just don't want people to judge me for the way I am feeling and call me ungrateful.

On a positive note, I got an incredibly thoughtful card from this parent who was diagnosed with abdominal cancer a couple of years ago. She still undergoes chemotherapy and looks quite worn out on some days. She took the time to find this perfect card and write a sweet note. Her card, I will cherish forever and read once in a while to remind me that I made a difference in one person's life.

Life is too short to continue to look a gift horse in the mouth. By the way, the gift is an insanely expensive pen and I will use it. Luckily, it is a perfectly practical gift for me … in spite of the way it makes me feel!

 

Dads

My mom's dad passed away when she was 3 years old. She didn't really think about how different life would have been if her dad had been there for her when she was growing up! That thought only entered her head when she saw her own children growing up with their dad.

A few years ago, my mom had the courage to admit that she was jealous of her own children because they have a dad and she does not even have a single memory of her own dad. My mom is never tired of reminding my brother and me how lucky we are to have a dad like ours.

Yes, I am very lucky.

So, why am I writing about this now? Because tomorrow is Father’s Day and something unexpectedly happened to someone I met only a few days ago for me to reflect about my life with my dad and my mom’s without hers!

Last month, I finally agreed to take on a new student although I felt constrained by time. This little girl is in grade 2 and came highly recommended. Since I do a diagnostic assessment before I take on a student, I set up a time to meet with the girl and her mother. Since the mother is what we call an ELL, English Language Learner, there was a bit of communication gap. She showed up with all 3 of her children; 2 of whom are younger than the girl in grade 2.

I set up the younger children with some paper and markers so they could keep themselves occupied while I spent time with their mother and older sister. Once the assessment was done, the mother and I noticed that the children had coloured their hands as well as my floor with some permanent markers. They found Hans' bag of art supplies and helped themselves to some! I might have been visibly upset since my floor was ruined. The mother looked at me puzzled as I explained to her that the markers I gave them were washable and somehow they ended up with the permanent ones!

The following week, the mother sent a note about being unable to attend the tutoring session. Same thing transpired the next couple of weeks. I became both frustrated and worried. Frustrated because I really don't have the time and I made some time for this student. Worried because I thought I offended the mother in some way by my reaction to the art work her children left on my floor!

Another week and I felt like I needed to know what was happening. I asked the person who recommended the student, and she revealed that the family is going through something and she is not comfortable talking about their private matters.

Then I got a note from the mother. Her daughter is very much interested in starting tutoring sessions with me; however, her husband was in an accident and "he is not with them now". I was quite shocked and didn't know how to interpret it - is he in a hospital or has he passed away?

The sad news is that the husband of this woman and the father of her children did die in the accident. She was trying to take care of everything while wondering how she was going to support her 3 young children.

2 days ago, I had my first tutoring session with the little girl. She is very bright. When her mother came to pick her up, she mentioned that her daughter kept asking about her lessons with me. I let the mother know that I will give her free lessons this month, and if her daughter really enjoys them, we can talk payment in September when school resumes!

Giving a couple of free lessons to a child, who lost her father recently, does not make me a humanitarian of sorts! Not at all! If anything, I hope the mother knows that she has support and she is not alone.

I finally understand why my mom feels jealous of my brother and me on occasion. I cannot imagine my world without my dad. And I feel so very sad for this little girl and for my mom and for all those children who can't hug their dads and celebrate with them.

Noteworthy Remarks: Not all dads are kind and not all of them are cruel. Forgive some dads and remember others. Honour a dad, any dad, who has made a difference. Let him know how special he is. Happy Father’s Day … every day!
 

The Unofficial Job

In the last 7 school years, if I wasn't home, I was at Hans' school. Actually, in the last 5 months, if I wasn't home, I was actually at work or wherever work took me. So, technically, I wasn't at Hans' school; however, his school took over whatever time I had left after doing my 4 jobs.

I am not a Co-Chair, but felt a sense of responsibility. I am not a Classroom Parent, but felt the need to support a parent who stepped up and took on that role! I need not care about what happens to Hans' school after he is done, but how can I abandon what felt like a second home to me for the last few years?

So, I helped everyone who took on a role or a responsibility. The Fun Fair wrapped up a couple of days ago. So much was the same and so much was just not quite right! But it didn't matter. Families showed up and families had fun.

Last 3 weeks of the school year and only 14 more school days to go! I have just a bit more left to do with my unofficial job.

At the Fun Fair, a parent told the Principal that I did 90% of the work at Hans' school and that they would have to pay me to come back! I believe this parent was grossly exaggerating. What I do believe is that I care 100% about Hans' school and I have never attached a price or a percentage value to the work I have done there!

It will be very sad saying goodbye in a few days' time to this unofficial job. On a positive note, I will have some much needed free time! I just have to figure out what I am going to do with it!