19 and 12

19 and 12 are the ages of ASid and Hans respectively. This year has been life changing for most of us and it hasn’t been different for the boys.

ASid has been living with his girlfriend on and off, depending on if she is in the country or not. This academic year, second year of university, both the kids got themselves teaching assistant jobs and are raking in the money. About a grand a month at 19 is nothing to sneeze at - it opens up exciting possibilities as well as makes one feel certain responsibilities. My friend C’s advice was to have ASid put away an amount per pay cheque - something like “pay himself first”. My dad’s response was - “why does the boy need to work?”. I conveyed both the messages to ASid. Right now, he is in the spending mode. He is not really listening to anyone. He wants to buy his younger brother a PS5 and his grandmother a Louis Vuitton handbag.

The boy still has his heart in the right place and that invariably warms my own heart.

Hans has had to deal with a fulltime working mom for the first time - on his own and without his brother by his side. The boy has done a remarkable job. He is a preteen and he has warned me that he could snap at me some days and I shouldn’t take it personally. He has also assured me that a year or 2 more, and he wouldn’t need me anymore.

Both of Hans’ proclamations made me glad and sad at the same time.

Today, Thursday, December 31, 2020, is my dad’s last day at work. He is officially retiring. My dad started working at 17 and finally, at 70, he is calling it a day! I am not sure what he will do with the extra time. His dream was to retire and spend more time with his grandkids. I barely see ASid, and Hans is in his own world. Luckily, for my dad, he has another grandkid - my nephew RoV is 6, and still quite excited to spend time with grandparents.

Time does fly. Even crazy 2020 flew by. It is a reminder for me to focus on the best and the most positive that life has to offer, and take the time to enjoy that!

Have a good one everyone!

A 2020 Miracle

Hans has a classmate who lives a little diagonally across from us - it takes less than a minute’s walk from our door to their door. I think the mom is great and always lamented the fact that Hans hated the boy’s guts. We, the moms, wondered if our boys would ever get along.

When the pandemic was declared in March and Toronto went into lockdown, Hans would see this boy ride around the neighbourhood on his own. Strangely, Hans also rode around the neighbourhood by himself. An entire summer went by and the boys didn’t cross paths. Then school started and the boys were in the same class after a year’s break. Hans expressed some disappointment. I also felt a bit of disappointment that even a year’s break didn’t change Hans’ perspective on this boy.

At the beginning of this month, I observed Hans take a different route to his school. This route was the one that he avoided as it takes him in front of this boy’s home, and Hans didn’t want any awkward encounters. However, I noticed that Hans actually looked at the door of this boy’s home as he walked past it. Nothing actually happened for a couple of days and then one day, the boy came running out of his home screaming for Hans to wait for him. Hans walked back to meet him half way and then the boys walked to school together.

I cannot describe the joy I felt watching Hans walk with another child his age. It has been so isolating during the last 9 months, and it was wonderful to see Hans NOT walk alone.

A few minutes ago, we drove past this boy’s home and I saw his mother in the driveway. I asked Craigley to “roll down the window” and then I shouted to her, “Our boys are walking together!”. She smiled the biggest smile. 

She had the same joy on her face that I felt a few days ago.

One of my students recently remarked that it is not easy to be happy these days. I agreed with her. However, I told her and the rest of the class that we can try doing things that make us feel good about life - we can give someone a second chance or we can say a kind word or two to anyone when we can.

Small deeds can have big impacts.

Bending over backwards until the back breaks

The thought of a back breaking is bad enough and it is tragic when it is self-inflicted to accommodate somebody!

We live in an extremely sensitive world where we have to be careful about what we say - it is beyond politically correct and it is a new age of cancel culture. People of colour and parents with children with special needs continue to fight their personal and collective battles against a world that has often overlooked them or marginalized them. I understand. I am teaching the history of Canada now, and I am learning about the treatment of First Nations people in the last 150+ years.

Advocacy of minorities becomes an essential means to win some battles.

Right now, I would love to advocate on behalf of the 10 students I have in my class with IEPs (Individual Education Plans); however, I am simply trying to do my best for all of them given my lack of experience with special education. The last 2 days, I had an opportunity to speak with 8 of the 10 parents, with children with special needs, who signed up for parent-teacher interviews. 7 out of 8 were thankful to have a teacher who cares and were willing to work with me to support their children.

Then, there is the one parent who hates me and this is not an exaggeration - I had another teacher attend this particular meeting with me and he agreed with me.

This is the parent who gives me major anxiety. She has written several emails to all the prominent people on the school board as well as to me (while CCing all the prominent people on the school board plus advocacy groups and the Human Rights Commission) about my incompetence. Out of a class of 26 students with various needs that I am trying desperately to meet, somehow I am failing this parent’s child consistently.

The child attends class regularly, approaches me for help and engages in class discussions.

I believe that the child’s mental health and wellbeing are being taken care of - we are in the middle of a pandemic; trapped in our homes for a very long time. Virtual School was created out of nothing to accommodate students who need to be home for many different reasons. There were delays and there was a teacher shortage. Some of us stepped up to fill the gaps. Some of us are putting in hours every single day including weekends to ensure students get the maximum out of this setup.

And yet, this one parent is not even a bit understanding of the situation we are all in. At this point in time, I am trying to save my spirit from being broken. The teacher who was on the call with me told me not to take it personally and it is only 6 more months and this would all end!

40 Days + One

Last Thursday, November 26^th, I shared with my students that it was my 40^th day of teaching in Virtual School and shared the word “Quarantine” and its origins to commemorate my milestone. If it had been in real life, I would have definitely done something more upbeat!

Acknowledging the completion of 40 days was a way for me to celebrate my survival in Virtual School. Each day I want to quit and wish desperately for the pandemic to end. Each morning I wake up and read the “rants” of various teachers on Twitter and realize that I am not alone. I have rants in double quotation marks because that is what it may seem like for others who are not in the teaching profession and who are not in Virtual School. However, this is some teachers' reality and they are honestly talking about their professional lives as they have no time left for their personal lives!

This was the academic year I was going to support Hans with anything and everything. However, the boy is flying solo. And the sweetest part is that we seem to have switched roles - he keeps checking on me. I have lost count of the many times he has asked me, “How are you doing mom?” OR “Are you OK mom?”. Some nights, he has hugged me to give me strength as I sat, looking lost, in front of my laptop (that my mom financed). Those are the days and nights I told/tell myself that this situation is temporary and there will be an end. 

Our lives are temporary too and I am glad mine is filled with the love and support of my family and friends and recently, neighbours and even perfect strangers. So, I have decided to celebrate the 45^th day, the 50^th and so on and so forth.

My messy home

My home has never been immaculately clean. It has always been somewhat messy; but now, it is really messy. It has become an analogy of sorts to what I feel in my head these days!

 

This is not another complaining session. This is me sharing concerns based on my observations this month. I started teaching online on October 1st, 2020 and today, it is October 31st, 2020.

 

I made it; however it is only one month down and 8 more to go! I don't feel like a winner! I guess I am simply a survivor!

 

And I am mostly in survival mode right now. I barely write for myself and I don’t tutor anymore. I do not call my brother or my parents, and I don’t check in with my family and friends. I have no time to cook and just about enough time to do some laundry - first priority is Hans here. Talking of whom, the boy has been very accommodating of my new way of life. He helps me with grocery shopping and chooses what he wants for breakfast and for lunch, for the week. It has made my mornings easy. ASid, on the other hand, is not home. That has been the best arrangement for both of us! He has a full course load and he is also a Teaching Assistant - he does not need Momley drama added to his plate. And Craigley has been in his own bubble since mid-March and he continues to exist within it.

 

I guess that is my personal update. I am not really concerned about my messy home. My concern is with my messed-up mind!

 

At the end of each day, I feel like I will fall apart mentally. I am responsible for 27 students - 24 are online, 2 have chosen to be exempt from synchronous learning and 1 is missing. Yes! I started with 32 students and some of them chose to switch to in person learning after the Thanksgiving weekend. I believe they chose wisely. The only fear they have is the eponymous virus and maybe a bully or a smelly school! But they have human contact even when it is a contactless environment. They can look at other kids their age and know that they are not alone!

 

Online is a lonely place. If I feel that way, I wonder how many of my students feel that way?!

 

Yesterday, I attended my first staff meeting. I got to “see” the other 51 Grade 8 teachers who are in the same learning centre as me (There are 4 learning centres in the Toronto District School Board). Some teachers were frustrated. There was a teacher who has taught Grade 8 for a decade and she was just as frustrated with how she is unable to transfer her knowledge to teach effectively online! If she feels that way, what about the teachers who are teaching Grade 8 (or any grade) for the first time ever! I know how that feels. I am learning curriculum the day before and teaching it the next day!

 

I haven’t done Prime Factorization in over 30 years. The home country I come from exempted me from Math after Grade 10! So, here I am, a terrified teacher teaching Math to a class where at least a third (if not half) of the students are terrified of Math!

 

I can’t see the faces of these kids. I hear a voice or 2 sometimes. All I can do is reassure them that most everything they are going through is temporary and they don’t have to deal with this for the rest of their lives. I feel for these kids. They are not getting the education they deserve and they do not have a teacher they deserve. We completed an entire chapter on Work and none of us have ever seen a spring scale for real - I showed them YouTube videos on how to use a spring scale to measure Force. I told them to imagine being in a laboratory!

 

This is my unsettling reality. The reason for my messed-up mind!

 

Out of the 26 students I do “see” on a daily basis, 9 of them have special needs. They need a special education teacher who knows what she is doing and who can meet at least half the special needs - they really need a special education team who can help all of them! My missing student also has special needs, but the concern right now is to find that student. A social worker could be involved and maybe more people. That is the reality for this child - only 12 or 13 and missing in action at school!

 

It makes me sad that these kids are off to high school in less than a year where they can fail a subject for the first time. Am I preparing them adequately for that reality? I don’t know. It is a messed-up situation.

 

Meanwhile ... IRL

Apparently IRL or irl is “in real life”! I am learning the chat lingo from my Grade 8 students who will all be 13 years old at the end of 2020. Newly minted teenagers seem to take irreverent pride in their new title. They have also called me a boomer! ‘Nuff with that!

 

So what has been happening in real life? Mostly, I have been neglecting it or shelving parts of it. We were supposed to start and finish a window replacement project between October 9^th and the 22^nd. However, since I started teaching online on the 1^st and couldn’t afford to take a break, the window replacement project has been postponed to sometime next year. I actually started cleaning up in preparation and now, that is on hold as well.

 

Even as I am cancelling and postponing some events and projects, I cannot stop everything. Thanksgiving was different, but delightful. My brother, my sister-in-law and my nephew, who usually host a lunch at their home, decided to drop off dinner packages to family members. It was heartwarming to “share” the same meal in 5 different homes.

 

ASid also came home for Thanksgiving. He arrived on the Day and left yesterday. Although I neglected the boy, it was wonderful to have him home. Hans also had an opportunity to stay home the whole week as he came down with his semi-annual cold and cough. So the house was full and Momley was busy. Somehow, we all survived and managed to eat at least one family meal together on Friday night.

 

I finally understand what working moms deal with. I cannot talk for every working mom, but I feel a lot of guilt - I don’t have time to listen to my own kids and I don’t call my family and friends anymore. Maybe the transition will take a few more days before I am able to balance my new responsibilities with my personal life.

 

I miss my life.

 

At this point in time, if I have to look back and rethink all the decisions I made in the last 20 years … I would NOT change anything. If this pandemic has taught me something, it is just that! Money comes and goes. I only have one life and I only have one each of my family and my friends. They are irreplaceable. Also, Time is the most precious commodity. Time lost is lost forever.

 

On that note, I take leave. Today, there are no regrets and no complaints.

 

Virtual Saga: Trilogy Conclusion

I survived my first full week of teaching online. I am happy to be alive and able to write about it.

 

Here is the grim reality of Virtual School. Teachers have to implement 240 minutes of synchronous learning. They talk about group work, but apparently each group needs supervision which is impossible. For example, I can break my class into smaller groups and send them off into “breakout rooms”; however, I am supposed to keep an eye on all the groups! It is a safety issue - what if a student gets cyberbullied and what if students use inappropriate language while in those groups? So, that means I am stuck with the Socratic method of teaching! Just imagine that! On top of this, there are no pleasant breaks for Phys Ed, Art, Music or French. It is Language, Math, Science and Social Studies - 4 subjects coming at the students every single day from 1 teacher in an almost regimented way.

 

Obviously, the above is true for my Grade 8 class. I can’t speak for other teachers and other virtual classrooms.

 

Virtual School requires skills that some seasoned teachers may lack. These teachers have knowledge and experience and a great collection of resources which could definitely help; but they need to feel comfortable with technology and a new approach to teaching. For example, in a classroom, when students finish the work assigned to them quickly, teachers can ask them to read a book or give them a worksheet to do to keep them busy while they wait for the rest of the class to finish. Online, it doesn’t work quite that way - if a student gets assigned independent work, that student could figuratively “leave the building”!

 

Then there is the very real reality of the dreaded word - equity. My students are from a “high needs” neighbourhood. Not even a quarter of them have cameras on their devices. I have seen only 4 faces. Half of them or even more do not have microphones. I have heard maybe 6 voices. It is a mostly faceless and voiceless classroom. The students are typing away furiously and I am trying to read as the Public Chat scrolls down rather fast and messages “disappear” from the screen. Their internet connections are laggy and sometimes they can’t hear me. How much are these kids really learning?

 

I have my own challenges as I don’t have resources. I have spent about $400 or so, within the last 10 days, buying textbooks and other material. I found out 2 or 3 days ago what my pay looks like. Since I am a new teacher, I am at the lowest end. When I break it down by the hour (based on my 12-14 hours day), I will make way less than minimum wage for the next 9 months. My contract ends on June 29, 2021.

 

I hope the pandemic ends before that!

 

Since this is the Canadian Thanksgiving weekend, I want to end on a thankful note. The last student to leave the classroom yesterday left the following note for me:

 

“Have a great thanksgiving Ms T You deserve it You are a great teacher”

 

That’s exactly how it was written on the “whiteboard” in paint. That’s one kid’s kind words. I will take that for now and keep going!