The Wide Perspective

On May Two-Four, my all-time favourite TV series came to an end. In the penultimate episode, one of the characters had the following to say:

If you step back and look at the whole picture, if you're brave enough to allow yourself the gift of a really wide perspective, if you do that, you'll see that the end is not sad. It's just the start of the next incredibly beautiful thing.

I believe I have always had the gift of a wide perspective. Recently, I wrote the following to the Eternal Boy:

My "romantic" relationships have been unfortunate ... No regrets and no complaints!

Each of my relationships, romantic or otherwise, have taught me about who I am and what I want.

The definitive conclusion is that I haven't been loved the way I deserve to be loved. That makes me sad. Not regretting … not complaining … just stating a simple fact!

I want the boys to understand that it is alright to accept the way things are if they can “live with it”! However, it is never too late to pursue happiness and change the course of their lives.

The tiniest load of laundry

In 3 days, it would be 10 years since I created this blogger account. I haven’t been as active lately. However, this is the first time in a long time that I actually felt like typing my thoughts.

Most people in my life know that Craigley and I are 2 very different individuals. We don’t see eye to eye on almost everything, and so it is a miracle that we have been married for 21 years (and counting).

For better or for worse, it is what it is!

One of the disagreements we have is about the type of mask that Hans should wear to school. I am a proponent of disposable masks and Craigley would like everyone to wear reusable ones. We can all take a side and argue till the cows come home, or just let it go.

So let’s let it go!

Then what am I doing here? I just wanted to share a conversation from this morning. As Craigley and Hans left for Hockey, Hans asked me for a disposable mask. At which point, Craigley made fun of the fact that Hans didn’t wash his reusable mask the night before. At which point, I wanted to make fun of Craigley about the fact that the only load of laundry he has done in over 20 years consistently has been soaking his reusable mask in a tiny plastic toy pail and hanging it to dry couple of times a week.

It is duly noted that the above paragraph ended in a run on sentence.

Craigley is an individual who works from home and rarely needs to use a mask. Hans walks to school, goes up and down flights of stairs and runs around at recess. His mask gets wet and he probably needs at least one change.

Some of us make convenient choices based on affordability and time. Some of us do 2-3 or more loads of laundry per week. Some of us take pride in washing a mask as required and hold it up as a standard.

Live and let live.

Sense of Purpose

I recently shared with a friend that a full-time job takes away time that I could use to perhaps write that book or to spend some time with family and friends. Yet, when I am not preoccupied with a full-time commitment, I still get nothing done.

It is easy to blame the several streaming services we subscribe to every month. Each weekend for the last 4-5 weekends, I have binge watched several limited series. I have become selective about watching series with 10 or less episodes. More than 10 episodes is a serious commitment! This has allowed me to feel a sense of self control (although there really isn't any).

Would it be best to simply not watch anything at all? Now, there is a novel idea!

However, there is a real fear of being disconnected to others. Last school year, I was somewhat cool because I got references to shows and series the Grade 8 students were casually talking about.

Would not being able to make those connections make me a relic of sorts?! Who knows?!

I wrote all of that to myself 2 months ago on November 1, 2021. Since then, a lot has happened. 2 weeks prior to the winter break, I was reassigned to an in-person classroom. That was a little stressful as it was also a little unexpected. I actually have a physical classroom for the very first time in my teaching career. It is classified as a “developmentally delayed” classroom. I have 4 students - ranging from 7 to 10 years old. I work with 2 education assistants, and yet I came home tired every workday! I planned to do some work over the break, and instead binge watched like there is no tomorrow. Maybe I needed some normalcy - something familiar and comforting. I guess I achieved that to an extent.

Now, I go back to work in less than 2 days. There is this dreadful feeling inside of me that I have wasted so much precious time - time that could have been invested in my new classroom! However, I also know that when I am back in the classroom, that’s all I will focus on.

So, why I am here on the first day of a New Year feeling like I need to make some changes to my life? I haven’t figured that out yet!

What I need to reassure myself is that I did spend some time with my family and friends. Maybe I didn’t get to everyone, but I did what I could. I had some interesting conversations with ASid and Hans. ASid had a crazy semester and he has decided to give himself a break next semester. Hans took over Christmas and gave me a break. The boys continue to be my best “accomplishments”.

More and more I realize that they need me less and less. Perhaps that is what I am missing out on - being a major part of their lives. I am trying to fill my time with work and catching up on missed movies and shows. The sense of purpose I have as their mother is so strong that I am afraid to replace it with anything else. Anything else may fall short or disappoint.

It is good to take some time and reflect on life as a year ends and a new one begins. I am sure I will also figure out how to spend my time in a purposeful manner. Until then, I hope this is the best year yet for me and for everyone else.

Challenging Situations

This school year, I have a contract to teach a special education class online. I thought long and hard before I took the job. Hans is 13 now and he is at an age where he may need more time from me just to share his thoughts or express his fears or simply to watch a favourite show together. I thought about the flexibility of occasional teaching versus the benefits of a full-time contract. Finally, the sheer necessity of financial stability loomed large and silenced all the little voices in my head. I felt like I no longer had the luxury of choice.

So, here I am. I have been working for 3 weeks and 2 days now. In a rather unfortunate coincidence, Hans' dental work began 3 weeks ago. He had/has 4 weekly appointments to begin work on his braces. Today was his 3rd appointment. The dentist's office called me at work. They were distressed that Hans was alone for his appointment. He had 2 teeth removed and he was in a bit of pain. His father dropped him off there and gave him his phone to call him when Hans was ready to be picked up! The receptionist reminded me that Hans is only 13 and a parent needs to be present if there is an emergency. 18 is when a child is considered an adult and that's when a parent can drop this child/adult off and not look back ... nobody cares! My mind was racing when I heard all of this. First emotion was that of guilt. I wasn't there for Hans. Second was a feeling of frustration. How could Craigley just leave Hans and take off?! 

I heard later that he was sitting in the car in the parking lot. It made no sense to me. Craigley and I had a few words. To divert my attention, he proceeded to ask me about my workday. He wondered how my challenging students were?! I was caught up in anger and sorrow at the same time and responded, "Sometimes home is more challenging".

It is true. When you know someone has special needs, you are aware of how to accommodate them. When someone you believe you can trust does something "special", then that is truly a challenging situation.

I have learned to ignore all the special circumstances that have popped up unexpectedly in my married life. It is getting harder to do so. I am running out of excuses for the one person I believed I could count on. Even as I feel helpless, I look for some small source of hope. Today, it arrived in the guise of a phone call. Hans' dentist called to check on him. He mentioned that he didn't quite remember Hans from before. However, he has reacquainted himself with my child in the last few weeks. He wanted to let me know that I have a great kid. I was ready to cry, but I collected myself and thanked him profusely. I needed to hear something positive at the end of the day. That was it!

The "Forked up" Life

I have been watching The Good Place for a few days now. And I also watched a movie titled The Nest two days ago. Normally, I wouldn't have made a connection between the two. These days, however, I am in a strange frame of mind. I am questioning everything I believed about myself. My biggest worry is if I am indeed the good mother that everybody seems to believe I am. I am beginning to think that ASid is just pure luck and Hans is an intrinsic challenge.

I got lucky with the former and can't seem to rise to the challenge with the latter. So, what is Momley all about?! I do not know at this point in time.

This is the Thanksgiving long weekend. This is almost always when I take the time to reflect on my life. Recently, it feels like my life has been served to me on the proverbial silver platter and somehow I am not appreciating it enough. It is, as if, I want to be some tragic figure and feel burdened by it all. That's why the title of this post is so apt.

My mom has this saying where someone gets a plate of food ready and just before serving it, they spit on it. The conclusion is why bother preparing a feast when you won't let people enjoy it! In my case, I feel like I am spitting on and destroying what life is offering.

I want the boys to know that it is OK to feel a little down some days. Just not to let the feeling weigh them down forever. I know why I started writing this blog. It is supposed to be a place the boys could visit and hear Momley's voice. It is supposed to be a stand-in for me long after I am gone. I thought I was writing for them. However, I got a note from KPF a few days ago and this is what he had to say about this blog:

Good way to keep a journal, to remember and I suppose a sort of meditation and therapy.

I never looked at it that way. I have called this my safe space where I can say anything and there is no one to judge me. Then I opened it up for a few select family members and friends who drop by here to get an update on the boys. I guess somewhere on the way I have been writing to express myself. And it has been therapeutic!

I decided to investigate why anyone would make a movie like The Nest since it got me thinking about my own life. Turns out the man who wrote and directed the movie, Sean Durkin, a Canadian, had this to say about his work, "When I make a film, I think about things that scare me. My exploration of those things is to try and wrap my head around them and confront them." Strangely, I know what he means.

Yesterday, we had our annual Thanksgiving lunch hosted by Bambino and my sister-in-law. When a family can gather for a meal and sit around a table and share some feelings, it puts things in perspective.  Life is not so forked up!

Yet another First Day

I posted precisely three times about "First Days" in the past. Those were the days when I felt mixed emotions - joy and sorrow, both at once. Eventually, they became more of a joyful celebration than the Shakespearean "sweet sorrow".

Two days ago was the first time I was in a physical school building to participate in the welcoming of students back to school. I was very excited. No, I do not have a classroom of my own. I am back to supply teaching. I was just needed at this particular school since a teacher had a family emergency and couldn't make it for the first day of the new school year. I didn't know what to expect. However, I was pleasantly surprised when they partnered me up with another teacher to teach a virtual classroom. It turned out to be a lucky placement on more than one level.

The Zoom meeting the teacher setup couldn't be accessed by me as she forgot to include the passcode. She didn't know what it was and just went into panic mode as students would also experience the same challenge as I did. With 4 minutes to spare, we quickly set up another Zoom meeting and sent out new meeting info to the students.

It felt good to be troubleshooting with another teacher. We also figured out other technical aspects while we were at it. She was thankful I was there and I was grateful for the experience. I realized that that was what was missing last school year when I was alone with my device. I couldn't talk with another teacher and there was no sense of "we can do this together!".

I may not have a classroom of my own; however, I am happy to help wherever I can. I am also hoping in-person school is here to stay forever.

Level 8000

I reached level 4000 in Candy Crush Saga on August 6, 2019. I reached level 8000 on August 18, 2021. That's 4000 levels in about 700 odd days. That works out to about 5 to 6 levels per day. That's not too bad since this is the only game I play and it does alleviate my stress some days.

I am still sane. I am just sharing this as some sort of a strange successful achievement. My brother sent a message on the occasion, and here it is - What's happening here?!!! Is this the beginning of the book "Devolution of One Mrs. Momley - Tales of Life and Tribulations as told through the Eye of Former High Functioning OCD Individual".

I believe that he may be alluding to the fact that my home is literally falling apart while I merrily climb levels in Candy Crush Saga. Yes! I used to be "obsessive compulsive" about the environment I lived in and I haven't been that way in the last dozen or so years. However, I believe I can get back there again!

For the last few weeks, since the beginning of July, my home has been covered partially or fully in plastic. We got our windows replaced and that has been a work in progress. As I prepared to have this work done, I also became acutely aware of the mess I live in. So, I am on a mission to clean it up and get back to "normal".

Meanwhile, there is no harm in feeling like I accomplished something even if it is not in a real world sense! On a related and unrelated note, ASid is 20 today. He has accomplished a lot, in the real world, in the last 2 years; however, I will save that for another post.