My incredible dad

I just wrote the title to this blog post and I am already quite emotional.

What can I say about my dad in one post?! It is too little space to represent him accurately. He has always been larger than life for me. He is my strength. I am what I am because he lets me be. If I didn’t/don’t have my dad’s support, I would be a completely different person. I never had to ask for anything in life. My dad always knows what I need. Maybe that’s why I am a little spoilt and a little stubborn and don’t listen to anyone?!

But this post is not about me.

I always want the boys to aspire to be like my dad. Even now, he has more degrees than my brother’s and mine put together. He also makes more money than my brother and insignificant me combined. One of my brother’s goals in life is to reach a goal in less time than my dad did! Good luck bro! I hope you do. My dad made it in 2 different countries. Very few people can lay a claim to such an achievement. How can we ever get to where he is?!

More about the man…

My dad actually always wanted to be an engineer. Due to personal reasons, he got into a different profession. He thought I would be the engineer in the family. I tried to do it for him, but had to have the most difficult confession/conversation to let him know that I want to be a teacher. He was momentarily disappointed, but advised that whatever I do, I must give it my all and do well. I am glad that eventually my brother fulfilled his fond wish of having an engineer in the family.

Not many children have choices given to them. Most parents thrust their expectations, hopes and aspirations onto their children. When I write that I want the boys to aspire to be like my dad, I don’t necessarily mean in a materialistic way. That is only a tiny part of what the man is! I want them to be giving and generous like him. I want them to be hard working and focused like him. I want them to put family first no matter what. I want them to be silly and funny like him. I want them to admit to their faults like he does. I want them to have his ability to seek forgiveness even if it is from his own children. The man is principled and he is tougher on himself than anyone else.

I know I am making him sound like some GOD! But he is the one who told me that humans created GOD or the concept of god so we could be afraid of someone. If I were to follow his view on the concept of god, then he definitely is not one. I am totally not afraid of him; no one is! He is as human as they come.

My mom would love to write a post on my dad so she can give a totally different perspective on the man. For sure, we hold different titles and have many different relationships in a lifetime. All of those make us who we are. Right now, this is my perspective of my dad and I am writing honestly.

The only other time I wrote about my dad was when I had to take a workshop on presentations many years ago. Mine was about “My Dad, My Superman” where I recalled an incident from my childhood. When we got a break, several of the participants came up to me and said that I made them cry and they wanted to give their dads a shout! I guess this is my shout out to my dad for this Father’s Day weekend. He has recently become aware of this blog, but he doesn’t have time to read this or anything. Who has time to read my ramblings?!

I am not sure if the boys will ever get through any of this in the future. I wish I could *star* some of the posts as recommended reading. If I could do that, this post would definitely make it to that list!

Happy Father’s Day to all the wonderful fathers in my life! It is an honour and a privilege to know you all.

 

Bad days and Lessons learnt

So, the day after Hans' bad day, ASid comes back from school looking very unhappy and upset. Before I could say anything, I get the brunt of it.

I had a bad day at school, but I don't want to talk to you about it because you like telling everyone everything I tell you. So, I am not going to tell you anything!

If it was an adult, I could ignore the rant and walk away. However, I couldn't walk away from my child. I wanted to know what was bothering him. So, I had this to say…

Yes, I like to share information with others. But if you tell me something in confidence, I will keep it confidential. Trust me.

That was enough for ASid to spill the beans. I felt for the boy. So, I excused him from being part of the dinner plans with my friend Y's family. Craigley and everyone wanted to know why ASid wasn't with us at dinner, I couldn't tell them anything. I really can keep a secret!

This morning, I had a few minutes with ASid and somehow, I started talking about Hans and the bad day he had. Instead of sympathizing with Hans or me, ASid went off on another rant about what a bad parent I am with Hans. When he was done, I just asked him one question.

Have I been a good parent to you?

He was like mostly!

I was like that's good to know.

I would never have sat across from my parents at the breakfast table and told them they were bad parents. But then again, I am not like my parents. I do encourage the boys to speak their minds. So, I encouraged ASid to give me relevant reasons as to why he thinks I am a bad parent to his younger brother.

He was like I don't mean to compare but you don't do half the things you did with me with him. You don't have half the expectations with him as you did with me. You don't enforce any rules. He has no discipline and he is abusing you, and you are letting him!

ASid was so harsh that I was ready to cry. Even my mom is not that tough with me. I really had to take a moment to ponder over his critique before I could respond appropriately.

I had to let the boy know that I cannot treat him and his younger brother equally. I cannot be the same parent to both the boys. ASid could read, write and do basic MS Word before he was 3. Hans could barely speak at 3 and a half. At 5, ASid was ready for French Immersion. At 5, Hans was still struggling with English. How could I treat the 2 boys the same way?!

To continue… in Grade 3, ASid got into the French School Board. And in Grade 3, Hans didn't get into the CW. ASid didn't want to leave his friends and go to a new school. Hans doesn't want to be left behind as 3 of his friends make their way to their respective new schools. Hans doesn't want to go to school anymore.

Really, parenting is not simple.

I told ASid that it is easy to sit on the sidelines and criticize anyone. It is not easy to walk the walk. He is not a parent. He has no parental responsibilities. He could point out all the problems or become part of the solution.

ASid did apologize. And I realized that he is actually concerned for his younger brother. He wants me to prep Hans for specialized high school programs. ASid is in one such program and he believes everything I did with him enabled him to get there. He wants me to do more with Hans so he could get there as well.

When I put it all in perspective, both of us care deeply about Hans. It is a competitive world out there. After the CW rejection, maybe I got a little soft with Hans. I must provide Hans with some goal. 5 years from now, in Grade 8, Hans should be as prepared as his older brother was to battle it out for the few spots they have in those specialized high school programs.

If I learnt anything recently, it is that life is a battlefield. There will be bad days and there will be victories. All I can conclude wisely is that we must get through the bad days and get ready to be victorious!

 

Should have sat this one out!

Today was a weird day to say the least.

I attended a School Council meeting at Hans’ school that unfolded some drama. Survived it! I walked out to find Hans approach me and request that I take him home with me. He has never done that before. He has refused to go to school; but never asked to be taken home in the middle of a school day! I probably would have taken him home, but I was off to lunch with my friend C. I didn’t want to cancel my lunch date, so I told Hans that it is a special day at school and I want him to participate in the event being held. I promised that I would come back for him and take him home early. He walked away dejected. I stayed for a bit and chatted with another parent. As I was finally ready to leave, Hans showed up again. This time around, I was annoyed. I actually suggested that I stop helping out at school if each time I am there he thinks it is OK to wander up to me and go home with me. He walked away for a second time looking super dejected.

I had lunch with C and then, I got home. Craigley was working from home, so I requested if we could go pick up Hans?! Even if Craigley doesn’t agree on half of my parenting decisions, he is quite accommodating most of the times. We got to Hans’ school and the event was still happening, and I found Hans’ teacher on the playground with the kids. She approached me to let me know that Hans had a bad morning and she was told he was disrespectful to a parent volunteer. Upon inquiry, I found out that this is a parent who does not like me very much. This was bad news! Hans’ teacher recommended that I leave him at school and let him redeem himself. She assured me that she would talk to him.

This time around I was the one to walk away dejected!

Each time ASid or Hans get into trouble, I question my parenting. Is there something I am doing wrong?! How can I be a better parent?!

At times like that, I am used to calling a friend and seeking advice. Quite honestly, with absolutely no pre-planning, I ended up chatting with G. It was quite refreshing. I am used to consulting with mom friends and never really a dad friend; well, I never did have any dad friends prior to now. G’s sincere advice was to dismiss it and not give it too much importance. However, I insisted that I wanted to apologize to this parent. He was like it is not necessary.

But did I listen to his advice?! Nope. I made it a point to approach the parent at pickup and apologize to her. She listened and then, quite unceremoniously dismissed me! I guess I deserved it. Then I got mad at myself and right after that, I got mad at Hans. As we walked back home, I was like of all the parents at school, must you choose to be disrespectful to this one parent?! He was like I wasn’t disrespectful at all! I guess, in his head, disrespectful meant talking back or saying something inappropriate. All he did was not listen! Apparently the event was boring and he wanted to sit out this one activity this parent was running. She wanted him to participate and he refused.

When we got home, Craigley heard about it all and he accused me of making a hyperbole out of everything. Why can’t a child refuse to participate in an activity?! But then you don’t…you do what you are told at school. A child can’t say s/he does not feel like doing what a teacher wants the class to do. You follow instructions regardless of how you feel!

The point to this story is that I must not doubt my parenting each time my child does something unexpected. It is quite possible that he is having a bad day. As long as it is not consistent, I must learn to dismiss one time episodes. And if I seek advice, I must learn to listen to the friendly advice given. Still, it is always advisable to apologize to an injured party. Whether they are gracious about it or not is irrelevant.

Parenting is not easy at all. As I stumble through this lifelong responsibility, I am glad I have my parent friends to help me even if I don’t always listen to them. So once in a while, when my child doesn’t listen, I must chalk it down to genetic predisposition and move on!

 

Fun Fair Wrap Up

G and I killed it!

G kept referencing Game of Thrones through the "battlefield incidents" and I had no clue what he meant; however, we definitely had relatability of sorts. I was into strategic planning with no blood spillage. He would have loved a bloodbath. At the end of the day, we just wanted to triumph over all adversity and we did!

Our renewed friendship was tested a few times during the process and we survived. In spite of all the crazy blood/battle references, the Fun Fair was truly a family friendly production.

I had my brother take half a day off to help with the BBQ. I got ASid to show up with his 2 best buddies to help with food service. I made sure my friend Y was there to oversee it all. No offence to The Godfather, but I prefer to surround myself with family and friends I trust. And they came through for me.

And I want the boys to understand that if we give without seeking recognition and if we are generous without seeking a return, we will be happy at the end of it all. Set up expectations for yourself, not for others!

G and I took on the Fun Fair to save it for our children and for everyone else's children. The intent was pure, but it got marred by unnecessary power struggles. But we didn't lose focus even when we felt like quitting a couple of times. And that's important!

And I confess to swearing a couple of times in a couple of email messages. Even the Principal remarked at one point in time that I was bitching! Toward the end, I could have turned into a bitter person; however, I made a sincere attempt to come out of it a better person. And I'd like to believe I did.

Most everyone was super complimentary to G and me. We pulled off a huge event within a month's time. Even as I was enjoying the accolades, Hans put it all in perspective. He gave me a list of things we could improve on for the next Fun Fair. ASid joined in too. His rant was more about how we could have made more money if we didn't give away food for free to some people. Really?!

There is definitely room for improvement...if G and I are foolish enough to take the Fun Fair on again next year! I don't know what the future holds; but right now, we must enjoy this triumphant moment!

Thank you all for all of your support...always!

 

Rage Mode

I hear about sibling rivalries and jealousies. Luckily, I had/have none with my brother and I did not anticipate any with the boys. They are almost 7 years apart and literally in 2 different “time zones”...one is a child and the other is a teenager. But as they say, stuff happens!

I was a very involved parent with ASid from JK to Grade 1. Toward the end of Grade 1, I had Hans and literally for the next 4 years I was MIA for ASid at school! So, when ASid was in Grade 6 and Hans started JK, I decided to get involved again. I am glad I did as that year seems to be the only year I could have done that for ASid and that's the only one ASid remembers. 

A parent's involvement at school ends with a child graduating from Public School. It is too short of a journey!

With Hans, I have had no interruptions whatsoever and I have put in a solid 5 years and I have 2 more to go. Some parents at Hans' school believe he is my only child. Last year, one of them saw ASid and me at a mall and wondered who he was?! I introduced him as my older child and all ASid had to mutter was, "Yes. I exist."

I wasn't sure if it was a typical teenage response or if he was being sarcastic. Then it became bit of a pattern. ASid started muttering quite often that I spend way too much time with Hans and indulge him at every opportunity. In all fairness, I had to remind ASid that he was like an only child for almost 7 years. He had my 100% attention whereas Hans always had/has only 50% of my attention. There is no comparison.

Logical reasoning doesn't always work! Quite recently, the muttering became an outburst! We were at my parents' home and I was proudly proclaiming how Hans can handle spice way better than I can! Suddenly ASid started saying stuff like you are always talking about him and it is like I don't exist! I tried to explain to him that the proclamation was within a context. We were eating and I made an observation! ASid refused to see it that way and kept insisting that I am always favouring his younger brother over him!

What an accusation!

I don't believe any parent favours one child over another. However, we may spend more time with that one child who needs us more. I am sure ASid understands that, but he seems to have lost control over his thinking.

I hope ASid puts things in perspective one day soon. 

Each school day, I wake up early in the morning and wake him up. I make his breakfast and prepare his lunch, and get about 20 minutes in the morning with him while I do those 2 tasks. I look forward to that time. That's our time...whether we share silence or a conversation, it doesn't matter! I get exclusive time with my child and that's all that matters.

I must also remind the boy here that I am always proud of the fact that he shows up at Hans' school to help out. And he never complains. Deep down, he cares about his younger brother. Hopefully, these jealous rages are simply a side effect of adolescence.

My biggest fear and concern for myself is that as one boy will finish this crazy phase in his life, the other boy will make an entry into it. I would be dealing with more than a dozen years of continuous adolescence between the 2 boys.

I guess I just have to tell myself that this too shall pass and get into Zen mode while the boys get through their respective rage modes.
 

The lost art of writing on paper

ASid got this cool culminating activity for History. He could be someone born toward the end of the 19th century and who got to live through both world wars. Interestingly, he decided to be an upper class woman named Lydia! He picked the option to have Lydia write her experiences in a journal. Then he realized that his handwriting is terrible and recruited me to write in the journal he would eventually be submitting as part of the culminating activity. He made the request from me several weeks ago. However, he left the entire activity to the very last weekend before it was due! So I had just one night, before it was due, to do the writing!

It took me a couple of hours to do cursive writing on 16 sides of pages in a regular sized journal. My fingers were cramped by the end of it - I used muscles I hadn't in a long time. It felt good though writing in a journal. The actual journal was gifted to me by ASid and Craigley a few Christmases ago. It is an antique looking, simple and elegant journal. Their hope was that I would write in it. Strangely enough, I did end up writing in it while appropriating the voice of another woman who is a fictional character created by my child!

In a strange coincidence, a few days later, I actually received pictures of 3 letters I wrote in 1988, 1989 and 1990. Those letters were written between my 14th and 16th birthdays to a good friend. He preserved them and it was bizarre seeing my own handwritten letters after 27-29 years later! Reading them made me realize that not much had changed between then and now.

…I was complaining about how I write letters regularly and no one replies to me. I was sadly documenting about how my dad was trying to teach me to drive and how I was driving him crazy! I was worried about all the people in my life and was hoping they would all be OK…

Seeing those letters got me all nostalgic. I almost felt ancient thinking about the good old days! I believe I stopped writing letters somewhere in the mid-nineties. That was when most everyone I knew got an email account.

Now, I look back at ASid's assignment as an opportunity to examine and appreciate the past not just through fictional eyes, but one’s own as well. ASid did a great job writing as Lydia. I almost felt like I could be Lydia and I didn't mind writing “her words” in the journal. However, at the end of the day, I am who I am...and apparently, I am still the same person I was when I was 14 years old.

My fond wish is for the boys to remain just the way they are many years from now! When they visit these pages, I hope they can relate to who they were, get nostalgic and feel good!

 

Relatability Issues

G and I have been working on the Fun Fair for about a month now and it is actually happening in a week's time. Any parent who has ever worked on a Fun Fair would know that it is too little time for such a huge undertaking. However, we have done remarkably well in a short period of time. It has been the 2 of us mostly, with a little help from Y. G has the passion and the ideas, and I have the patience and the strategies. We work with a good understanding of each other’s strengths. This whole post could be about how awesome we are as a team, but then where is the conflict? And where is the drama? Well, let me not disappoint anyone.

While we were working away quietly, the school playground had become a bit of a battlefield. We had to deal with one instance of power struggle where this parent probably felt that we were doomed and separated herself from us. She went off on a power trip. Then, we had a couple of nutcases. I actually want to mean people, but these were actual cases that involved nuts! We had to cancel a beloved ice cream; deal with PR! Seriously, it was becoming worse than a real work place. At least, there, one gets paid for putting up with nonsense!

As if that wasn’t enough, the parent who went rogue did a sanctimonious turn on us. She decided to educate me on the fine art of fundraising. Having been there a few years ago and having dealt with parents like her, I quietly listened to her without kicking up a fuss. Obviously, I complained to G later and it was therapeutic. For a good reason, I decided to share the preachy conversation with ASid. I wanted him to know about people and issues he may have to deal with later on in his life. Instead of appreciating my gesture, he had an outburst!

He was like who are you? I can’t relate to you! Why the heck would you quietly listen to that woman?

Because she is a parent at school and I have to see her face every day! Why would I get confrontational with another parent?

He was like mom, I am so disappointed in you! I would have gotten confrontational!

I wasn’t upset with his outburst. I actually felt good about it. He was looking out for me in a way. While he did that, I got to find out that he is capable of dealing with conflict and is not afraid of a confrontation. At the same time, I wanted him to know that I am not afraid of a confrontation either! It is just that I am all about diplomacy at my child’s school. Why would I behave badly at my child’s school? What sort of a role model would that make me? If I am asking Hans to ignore and walk away from the bullies in his life, I must walk that walk myself.

That’s what I did today.

The same parent, who spread rumours about G and me a few months ago and nearly destroyed a beautiful friendship, had the audacity to tell me that all the email communication about the Fun Fair from us was annoying her!

She was like can you stop it?

I was like you can delete it; don’t read it!

There was more dialogue than that; however, the point to note is that I walked away from this person. I cut the conversation short. I was so proud of myself. I did complain to G again and I did share with ASid again. This time around, ASid listened with delight.

There are many battles to pick in life. It is definitely tragic when a school playground becomes a battlefield for parents. Really?! People, when you see a parent slogging for their children’s school, say something nice. If you can’t, then don’t say anything at all. Kids, when you see your parents slogging at your schools, take pride! One day, you will hopefully follow in those footsteps and make us proud as well. That’s the honest hope.