20 years ago ...

Craigley and I were married on April 16, 2000. We had parents, siblings and friends attend the ceremony. We planned for a backyard event; however ended up in a room, cramped together, as it rained quite heavily that day. There is some truth to those April showers!

In the last 20 years, we had a lot happen - good times and bad times; amazing times and annoying times; times we’d live through again and times that we should definitely forget!

This post is not about Craigley and me. It is about giving some practical advice to the boys. They have their own notions about a marriage. ASid has actually expressed a desire to get married some day and have children. Hans has indicated that he is happy to be an uncle to ASid’s kids and not marry at all!

A marriage is really a lot of work. It involves a lot of adjusting.

On an aside, Smoggie once wrote to me that I make a marriage sound like a trip to the chiropractor!

Maybe I do. But I’d rather the boys start there. Marriage is not a notion I want them to take lightly. I want them to dwell on it before they jump into it. Craigley and I jumped into it. It all happened rather quickly and that’s why perhaps I mention adjustments! We were 2 strangers who had to get to know each other and make our commitment to each other work. I guess we did. We are still together after 20 years!

I wish the boys happy lives with or without that special someone. We make our choices and when they make theirs, there should be no regrets.

Only Hope

I just finished working on my 18^th feature for the local magazine that I write for. I can’t believe I have been a content coordinator for a year and a half! It has been an amazing ride.

This feature was challenging as I couldn’t do a face to face interview and it was also emotional as it was about the young mother who passed away last October. This is a keepsake issue for her daughter who will be celebrating Mother’s Day without her mom for the first time. Hopefully, the tribute feature helps in some way …

This particular issue of the magazine also had very little content. The publisher posted a request for local school children, “isolating” at home, to contribute a few words. We got nothing! In desperation, I approached Hans and confided that he was my only hope and I would like him to write something for the magazine. His response was as follows:

“I have been waiting for the day when I am your only hope.”

That was an interesting and somewhat strange response. However, the boy decided to write a few words for me.

Hans has never liked writing and it is a struggle to get him to write more than 5 sentences for an assignment when the minimum requirement is at least 3 paragraphs!

The May issue will include Hans’ first published work. He wrote just a little under 250 words - too many for Hans! The word count does not matter. The boy came through for me in a big way.

If ever again my only hope is Hans, I would consider myself lucky!

 

I Exist to Support You

We brought ASid home on March 21st. I was happy to have all 4 of us back under the same roof again. I will not say "happy to be together again"! We weren't together really - ASid was on the top floor doing his online learning; Hans was on the main floor trying to do some learning and Craigley was in the basement working from home. I had no floor to my name and I was essentially a floater!

Still, I was content to see their faces whenever they surfaced for biological or survival needs.

Last week, ASid announced that he would like to spend time with his girlfriend once his online lessons wrap up! I wasn't sure what he meant by that! Well, he clarified that he wanted to spend the remaining amount of "stay at home/isolation time" with her.

My first response was an emotional breakdown! I felt like I didn't matter. All that time I spent raising the boy meant nothing to him! I cried a bit and couldn't sleep for a couple of nights. Then, I had to look at it from ASid's perspective. He is 18 and in love. His girlfriend is an international student who is by herself in the middle of an unexpected situation. It made sense for him to be there for the girl (whom I am going to call Mary from now on).

I met Mary only twice. My impression of her is that she is a mature and focused young lady. Her family is in another country and she is here by herself (save for an uncle and a cousin who don't live with her). Given that she has been in Canada only about 7-8 months, she has adjusted very well. Mary is both academic and social, and balanced!

I am sane enough to know that she is a wonderful influence on my son.

So, Craigley dropped off ASid at Mary’s place yesterday. The only advice Craigley ever gave ASid that matters in the big scheme of things is this: “Do not get a girl pregnant”. That was it - 6 words of wisdom! I did not provide any advice, but bought the boy a pack of condoms the last time he left home. One could say that I enabled him in one way so he was disabled in another way that would practically support Craigley’s advice. I do not want to think about it really. But if there is a baby at the end of it all, I would like to conclude that it was Immaculate Conception. That’s why the name Mary brings me comfort on many levels!

Seriously though … I have to believe that when “stay at home” was not trending and I stayed at home, I did a decent job of parenting ASid. He is currently working on maintaining a 3.7-3.8 GPA and he seems to have caught the fancy of an intelligent girl. I am proud of the young man he has become. I must focus on that right now.
 

The Massive Pickup!

This is a sequel of sorts to The Epic Drop-off! posted on September 1, 2019.

Over 2 days, on March 20^th and 21^st, we helped ASid pack and clean up, and move back home. When we moved him into his residence, we had 2 cars and we had my brother to help us. This time around, amidst the recent outbreak, we decided to move back ASid on our own. The “we” I write about are Craigley and me.

Both the days, the boy was not quite prepared. And it seemed like his belongings have doubled since we dropped him off! Craigley was visibly dismayed and vocally clear in how he felt about it. However, it was not just ASid; his roommate, who was moving out as well, had more stuff to pack. She had both her parents helping her move quietly without commenting on the situation or expressing any sort of emotion. Craigley helped move items to the car, but refused to help ASid pack or cleanup.

Craigley and I have different parenting styles. Craigley focuses on a situation and has certain expectations that may or may not have been communicated. When those expectations are not met, he is disappointed and mostly unforgiving. On the other hand, I tend to understand that situations do not necessarily follow a set pattern. Here is an example: if a person is moving out and is being picked up, s/he has to make sure s/he has everything packed and ready to go - this is the normal expectation from that person. This is fundamentally Craigley’s expectation as well. It is simple.

ASid did not meet this basic expectation.

The boy was seriously unhappy. This is his first year of university. He wanted to squeeze every delicious drop out of this experience. His life was interrupted and he had to prematurely say goodbye to his new friends and abruptly move to a new way of learning. As he was dealing with the changes around him, he was also asked to move out and given just a couple of days’ notice. On top of all that, he is also in a relationship with an international student who is stranded in Canada without her family.

ASid had a lot on his mind and failed to meet a basic expectation. He may be considered an adult just because he is 18, but this is his first time in a situation that the whole world hasn’t anticipated and still is unsure of what to expect!

When ASid eventually reads this, I want him to know that I am proud of him. He was able to move out with a few minutes to spare. ASid chose to follow his heart over a task at hand. He took the time to take some food to his girlfriend the night before and spend some time with her. He took the time to let his roommate know that he appreciated her. He may not have been ready for the pickup, but perhaps he knew that his parents would understand and pitch in. I hope we met ASid’s expectations!

 

Falling apart ... part by part

Last Thursday, there was this sudden and intense pain in my left wrist and then, in my fingers. The next morning, it was replicated in my right wrist and fingers. It was horrific. To explain the horror of it, imagine going to the toilet and having to wipe whatever; then, imagine having lost the ability to use both the hands! OK … it was just a little notch below that extreme case scenario - the hands function, but experience excruciating pain with each tear of the bathroom tissue and each wipe of the derrière!

It was a wakeup call of sorts. I am not calling it the wakeup call because I get these on an annual basis! First, it was a fleeting frightful moment about lumps in the breast. Then, it was the horrendous prospect of having all teeth fall out and now, the possibility of losing access to hands that help with everything from menial to spiritual! This was the scariest of them all though!

I love writing … anything and everything … from short text messages to elaborate email messages to therapeutic messages on this blog! Just recently, I wrote about life and death and everything in between. I realized that the pain I felt in my hands is mostly due to my love of writing. I am constantly writing/typing on my BlackBerry. Perhaps I am not holding the device properly; that’s what has led to repetitive stress on my wrists and fingers. I guess I need to find a way to not fall apart while I still enjoy the little indulgences of life.

On that note, after 15 years of watching one of my favourite shows on Television, I bid adieu to Criminal Minds. I watched this show religiously from the beginning to the end - the old fashioned way; through 15 seasons; as each episode aired and sometimes recording an episode and watching it the next day. It was bittersweet as the cliché goes! Bitter that the show ended and sweet that I found a haunting song which I have requested to be played at my memorial service! Bambino and ASid have been notified.

When I do eventually fall apart … never to be put back together again … it will be to the song “Soft Dark Nothing” by Lily Kershaw.

She coincidentally is named after my favourite flower. How poetic and perfect!

 

Writing for Everyone

I continue to amass several unfinished drafts in my email account. There is so much content accumulated over the last few months that will never see the light of cyberspace! It is rather frustrating on some days when I can’t work on my own personal writing about my children.

Currently, I am working on the 17^th feature article for the local magazine that hired me to be the Content Coordinator in October 2018. This job allows me to enjoy writing. However, the job also requires me to write about a preselected set of people. I do not exactly have a choice! It is not as bleak as I am making it sound right now. It is rewarding in its own way - I get to write mini biographies of people and almost all of those people appreciate the time and effort I put into writing about their lives.

The magazine has also given me the opportunity to write a few business profiles of the advertisers who are featured. There have been 3 instances when the publisher needed additional content and I contributed posts from this blog. The posts that became articles were about taking your child to work, first day(s) of school and most recently, Valentine’s Day. The last one garnered a lot of attention and I got a few congratulatory notes.

Although the adulation was great, I felt like I was recycling my private writing instead of writing something original and impersonal. Luckily, the boys don’t seem to mind. In fact, ASid was surprised to read about his thoughts on Valentine’s Day from 2017! In 2020, he has the same feelings as he did 3 years ago. If I have to rewrite that post today, I would only add that ASid found a mate who seems to love him and take care of him. When he was sick the other day and called me to let me know that he missed me, he also shared that he was under the kind and considerate care of his lovely girlfriend!

At the end of the day, whether I write about my children or total strangers, what matters is that the writing brings a smile to their faces and that they would cherish the words for a long time.

 

Birth, Death, and Life

Last few weeks have been thought-provoking.

I went to visit with a friend's mother who recently had a stroke and has been paralyzed on the left side of her body since then. I spent some time with my brother and his family at a hospital. I bid adieu to Hans' former principal and my mentor-friend as he moved onto a different role. I got a call from ASid who was down with fever. I took care of Hans through 2 bouts of sickness.

Through all of the above, I realized that I have developed a bit of anxiety about death! This feeling has been percolating since the young mother passed away last year on October 27, 2019. Craigley believes that I haven't seen death up close and personal and that's the reason it is so unsettling. He is probably accurate in his analysis of my most recent state of mind.

I have been worried every waking moment about falling asleep and not waking up!

Then, I had a breakthrough. Eternal Boy shared a video with me about this kid who "speaks lots of sense … just resonates so readily". I enjoy receiving notes from my friends. Pictures are alright. Videos are work! However, I took 2 minutes and 3 seconds out of my time to watch this video. Strangely, a little boy made me realize that I have become so good at worrying that I am now worried about "the buffalo that I don't have"!

I was the most fearless and welcoming of death. When that mother passed away and left behind a little girl, I was worried about the motherless child. Then, I worried about my future motherless children. That led to my worrying about death.

It all seems ridiculous now. No matter what, life goes on. It was wonderful to receive a call from my friend about her mother who had a stroke. I took the time to catch up with her mother who appreciated my visit to the rehab centre. It was special to spend some time with my brother and his family even if it was in a hospital. It was heartwarming to receive a call from ASid while he was battling a high fever. He didn't need me; he just missed me. It was humbling to take care of Hans because it reminded me that I was wasting time worrying about death when there is so much living to do.

All of it made me realize, not for the first time or the last time in the history of Birth and Death, that what matters is everything in between … Life.