May, the Fourth

This year, on May 4^th, Hans was disappointed that he couldn’t physically visit a LEGO store. I let him know that we could visit the online store and look at some deals and maybe even make a purchase or two. The boy was super excited.

 

While he was waiting to finish his school work before he could visit one of his most favourite websites, I was waiting to hear back from my doctor about my test results.

 

My doctor called at 7:11 pm. It wasn’t entirely good news. Hans too was experiencing technical difficulties with the LEGO store online. He was getting frustrated and worried that he would miss out on a particular deal.

 

There were three concerns identified with my health, the worst was testing positive for the Rheumatoid Factor. What it means is that I most likely have Rheumatoid Arthritis and I need to consult with a specialist. This is an autoimmune disease and I am stuck with it forever. However, it can be managed by life style changes.

 

Hans was also optimistic that he would access a deal before the end of the day. And he did! Just a little after 10:30 pm, we were able to place an order for something that could possibly arrive sometime in September. It didn’t matter. The boy was happy.

 

However, Hans’ mom went to bed wallowing in self-pity. The only person she wanted to speak with was her friend KPF. He lives each day of his life with Cystic Fibrosis. How does he do that?

 

The next day, out of the blue, KPF sent me a text message about a new drug that is allowing him to manage his cough and shortness of breath better. He was excited about this development. I was astounded by the timing of his message. The one person I needed to connect with reached out to me! And he reached out to me with positive news!

 

KPF is perhaps the best example I know of a human being. I always feel that it is so unfair that he has CF. However KPF never makes a fuss over it nor draws any attention to himself because of it! He just lives his life.

 

That’s what I need to do. Live each day without making the disease the focus of my life. There are several fires to put out. What if Hans had been unable to connect to LEGO online on an exciting day? He would have been disappointed, but would have moved on. So we can miss the deal of the day or even the deal of a lifetime. Fortunately, there is another day and life goes on.

 

Gummies win the war!

In the last few weeks, we have embraced a new routine. We no longer shop for groceries and incidentals over the weekend, we shop smack dab in the middle of the week - on Wednesdays! We shop at 2 grocery stores - a regular Canadian and an ethnic one that is not related to Craigley’s or my heritage or backgrounds. At Metro, Craigley waits in the car while I quickly shop for staples like eggs, bread, milk and juice. At the other store, Craigley and I both walk in and go through our own individual lists. While I focus on fruits, vegetables and family needs, Craigley picks up ice cream, chips and gummies. Craigley mostly shops for Hans and himself.

At this point in time, ASid is not even a footnote on our lists as he is elsewhere and doing really well.

When we come back home from grocery shopping, I try to wipe down items and try to put them away. Craigley, on the other hand, can’t wait to show his loot to Hans and gloat over the new additions to their candy collection. Both father and son are mostly excited about the gummies. They have tried in vain to get me to join their gummie gang. This was one battle I refused to lose. I cannot stand the texture of gummies in my mouth.

I guess the duo didn’t really care as my winning the battle simply meant a larger portion of gummies for each one of them.

While all this was unfolding over a few weeks, my search for a new family doctor resumed recently. After a “meet and greet” with my newly assigned family doctor over the phone, I was asked to take 2000 iu of Vitamin D per day. This was prescribed for the pain I have been feeling. I was also asked to get blood work done to better understand why I am falling apart. It felt good that I was finally going to have some answers.

Yesterday, on the grocery shopping spree, I added a short stop at Shoppers Drug Mart to pick up Vitamin D. To my surprise, most of the vitamins were gone and Vitamin D appeared like a must-have or something! I guess it makes sense for Canadians to seek some sunshine in other ways when instructed to stay at home as much as possible. Even as I felt dejected at the thought of walking out without my own bit of sunshine, I spotted a bottle of Vitamin D on the lowest shelf, at the very end of the Vitamins’ aisle. When I grabbed the bottle, I was dismayed!

My new normal now includes chewing 2 gummies, each loaded with 1000 iu of Vitamin D, per day.
 

20 years ago ...

Craigley and I were married on April 16, 2000. We had parents, siblings and friends attend the ceremony. We planned for a backyard event; however ended up in a room, cramped together, as it rained quite heavily that day. There is some truth to those April showers!

In the last 20 years, we had a lot happen - good times and bad times; amazing times and annoying times; times we’d live through again and times that we should definitely forget!

This post is not about Craigley and me. It is about giving some practical advice to the boys. They have their own notions about a marriage. ASid has actually expressed a desire to get married some day and have children. Hans has indicated that he is happy to be an uncle to ASid’s kids and not marry at all!

A marriage is really a lot of work. It involves a lot of adjusting.

On an aside, Smoggie once wrote to me that I make a marriage sound like a trip to the chiropractor!

Maybe I do. But I’d rather the boys start there. Marriage is not a notion I want them to take lightly. I want them to dwell on it before they jump into it. Craigley and I jumped into it. It all happened rather quickly and that’s why perhaps I mention adjustments! We were 2 strangers who had to get to know each other and make our commitment to each other work. I guess we did. We are still together after 20 years!

I wish the boys happy lives with or without that special someone. We make our choices and when they make theirs, there should be no regrets.

Only Hope

I just finished working on my 18^th feature for the local magazine that I write for. I can’t believe I have been a content coordinator for a year and a half! It has been an amazing ride.

This feature was challenging as I couldn’t do a face to face interview and it was also emotional as it was about the young mother who passed away last October. This is a keepsake issue for her daughter who will be celebrating Mother’s Day without her mom for the first time. Hopefully, the tribute feature helps in some way …

This particular issue of the magazine also had very little content. The publisher posted a request for local school children, “isolating” at home, to contribute a few words. We got nothing! In desperation, I approached Hans and confided that he was my only hope and I would like him to write something for the magazine. His response was as follows:

“I have been waiting for the day when I am your only hope.”

That was an interesting and somewhat strange response. However, the boy decided to write a few words for me.

Hans has never liked writing and it is a struggle to get him to write more than 5 sentences for an assignment when the minimum requirement is at least 3 paragraphs!

The May issue will include Hans’ first published work. He wrote just a little under 250 words - too many for Hans! The word count does not matter. The boy came through for me in a big way.

If ever again my only hope is Hans, I would consider myself lucky!

 

I Exist to Support You

We brought ASid home on March 21st. I was happy to have all 4 of us back under the same roof again. I will not say "happy to be together again"! We weren't together really - ASid was on the top floor doing his online learning; Hans was on the main floor trying to do some learning and Craigley was in the basement working from home. I had no floor to my name and I was essentially a floater!

Still, I was content to see their faces whenever they surfaced for biological or survival needs.

Last week, ASid announced that he would like to spend time with his girlfriend once his online lessons wrap up! I wasn't sure what he meant by that! Well, he clarified that he wanted to spend the remaining amount of "stay at home/isolation time" with her.

My first response was an emotional breakdown! I felt like I didn't matter. All that time I spent raising the boy meant nothing to him! I cried a bit and couldn't sleep for a couple of nights. Then, I had to look at it from ASid's perspective. He is 18 and in love. His girlfriend is an international student who is by herself in the middle of an unexpected situation. It made sense for him to be there for the girl (whom I am going to call Mary from now on).

I met Mary only twice. My impression of her is that she is a mature and focused young lady. Her family is in another country and she is here by herself (save for an uncle and a cousin who don't live with her). Given that she has been in Canada only about 7-8 months, she has adjusted very well. Mary is both academic and social, and balanced!

I am sane enough to know that she is a wonderful influence on my son.

So, Craigley dropped off ASid at Mary’s place yesterday. The only advice Craigley ever gave ASid that matters in the big scheme of things is this: “Do not get a girl pregnant”. That was it - 6 words of wisdom! I did not provide any advice, but bought the boy a pack of condoms the last time he left home. One could say that I enabled him in one way so he was disabled in another way that would practically support Craigley’s advice. I do not want to think about it really. But if there is a baby at the end of it all, I would like to conclude that it was Immaculate Conception. That’s why the name Mary brings me comfort on many levels!

Seriously though … I have to believe that when “stay at home” was not trending and I stayed at home, I did a decent job of parenting ASid. He is currently working on maintaining a 3.7-3.8 GPA and he seems to have caught the fancy of an intelligent girl. I am proud of the young man he has become. I must focus on that right now.
 

The Massive Pickup!

This is a sequel of sorts to The Epic Drop-off! posted on September 1, 2019.

Over 2 days, on March 20^th and 21^st, we helped ASid pack and clean up, and move back home. When we moved him into his residence, we had 2 cars and we had my brother to help us. This time around, amidst the recent outbreak, we decided to move back ASid on our own. The “we” I write about are Craigley and me.

Both the days, the boy was not quite prepared. And it seemed like his belongings have doubled since we dropped him off! Craigley was visibly dismayed and vocally clear in how he felt about it. However, it was not just ASid; his roommate, who was moving out as well, had more stuff to pack. She had both her parents helping her move quietly without commenting on the situation or expressing any sort of emotion. Craigley helped move items to the car, but refused to help ASid pack or cleanup.

Craigley and I have different parenting styles. Craigley focuses on a situation and has certain expectations that may or may not have been communicated. When those expectations are not met, he is disappointed and mostly unforgiving. On the other hand, I tend to understand that situations do not necessarily follow a set pattern. Here is an example: if a person is moving out and is being picked up, s/he has to make sure s/he has everything packed and ready to go - this is the normal expectation from that person. This is fundamentally Craigley’s expectation as well. It is simple.

ASid did not meet this basic expectation.

The boy was seriously unhappy. This is his first year of university. He wanted to squeeze every delicious drop out of this experience. His life was interrupted and he had to prematurely say goodbye to his new friends and abruptly move to a new way of learning. As he was dealing with the changes around him, he was also asked to move out and given just a couple of days’ notice. On top of all that, he is also in a relationship with an international student who is stranded in Canada without her family.

ASid had a lot on his mind and failed to meet a basic expectation. He may be considered an adult just because he is 18, but this is his first time in a situation that the whole world hasn’t anticipated and still is unsure of what to expect!

When ASid eventually reads this, I want him to know that I am proud of him. He was able to move out with a few minutes to spare. ASid chose to follow his heart over a task at hand. He took the time to take some food to his girlfriend the night before and spend some time with her. He took the time to let his roommate know that he appreciated her. He may not have been ready for the pickup, but perhaps he knew that his parents would understand and pitch in. I hope we met ASid’s expectations!

 

Falling apart ... part by part

Last Thursday, there was this sudden and intense pain in my left wrist and then, in my fingers. The next morning, it was replicated in my right wrist and fingers. It was horrific. To explain the horror of it, imagine going to the toilet and having to wipe whatever; then, imagine having lost the ability to use both the hands! OK … it was just a little notch below that extreme case scenario - the hands function, but experience excruciating pain with each tear of the bathroom tissue and each wipe of the derrière!

It was a wakeup call of sorts. I am not calling it the wakeup call because I get these on an annual basis! First, it was a fleeting frightful moment about lumps in the breast. Then, it was the horrendous prospect of having all teeth fall out and now, the possibility of losing access to hands that help with everything from menial to spiritual! This was the scariest of them all though!

I love writing … anything and everything … from short text messages to elaborate email messages to therapeutic messages on this blog! Just recently, I wrote about life and death and everything in between. I realized that the pain I felt in my hands is mostly due to my love of writing. I am constantly writing/typing on my BlackBerry. Perhaps I am not holding the device properly; that’s what has led to repetitive stress on my wrists and fingers. I guess I need to find a way to not fall apart while I still enjoy the little indulgences of life.

On that note, after 15 years of watching one of my favourite shows on Television, I bid adieu to Criminal Minds. I watched this show religiously from the beginning to the end - the old fashioned way; through 15 seasons; as each episode aired and sometimes recording an episode and watching it the next day. It was bittersweet as the cliché goes! Bitter that the show ended and sweet that I found a haunting song which I have requested to be played at my memorial service! Bambino and ASid have been notified.

When I do eventually fall apart … never to be put back together again … it will be to the song “Soft Dark Nothing” by Lily Kershaw.

She coincidentally is named after my favourite flower. How poetic and perfect!