Precious Passwords

In my last post, I listed almost all the devices my boys own. Craigley and I have a rule that devices are strictly available on a "weekend basis". Sometimes this weekend privilege is lost if the boys fail to perform other duties and responsibilities such as piano practice, etc. Craigley is the one who usually "punishes" the boys by taking away their devices over several weekends!

As one might safely conclude, this post is related to the devices again‎!

Most nights, I sit on a chair beside the bed as Hans‎ prepares to sleep. It takes about half hour from the time his head hits the pillow to the time he actually falls asleep! There was a time I waited patiently by the bedside and responded to his questions while urging him to close his eyes and go to sleep. Then one day, I realized that I could use that half hour to do the dishes or clean up the kitchen or catch a show on TV! So, I would tuck Hans into bed and take off; strangely enough, he did not protest at all. It took a few days for me to find the PlayBook "sleeping" beside him in bed; how could I have missed that?!

A 5 year old and so sneaky! I went on a rampage and set up passwords on all the devices the kids have access to. A new rule was created as well - all devices are to be dropped off on Sunday nights on the side table in the big bedroom! ASid was a little offended for the lack of faith; however the benefits far outweighed hurt feelings. I could leave Hans by himself at bedtime without worrying about him watching a Lego Ninjago video on YouTube!

The above incident happened several weeks ago and I didn't realize how my peace of mind had created the opposite effect in my children's minds! Most recently, Hans wanted to know if some kids have only one parent?! I told him that it is quite possible if the parents are not living together and then, the kids will only have one parent at a time! Hans didn't seem to pay too much attention to my explanation. He wanted to know what happens if a parent dies. I told him that the other parent would take care of the kids. Then he wanted to know what would happen if both the parents died?! Hans didn't talk about Death in a while and it got me a little worried. We were walking home from school that day and I instinctively reached out for his hand and assured him that he will have his grandparents and his uncle to take care of him and his brother if his dad and his mom were to die suddenly. All Hans said in response was, "But what about the passwords?"

"Huh??"

"But Momley what about the passwords" and he almost started crying!

In my mind, I went "What?" and then I got it! So, I gently told him, "Just before I die, I will tell you the passwords to your PlayBook and Momley's iPad!"

Hans immediately brightened and exclaimed "YAY!!"

I didn't know whether I should cry or laugh, however I decided to enjoy the quiet walk with my child as he looked‎ so very happy at the thought of getting the passwords to his favourite devices from his parents as they breathed their last!

 

"Relatability"

When I typed the word in MS Word, I saw the red squiggly line under it! Then I typed it into the Google search engine and, it appears like it is a word used online in various contexts. I want to use it as an "ability to relate"!

As my boys are growing up, especially ASid who will be a certified Teen in August, I wonder about how much they are able to relate to me?! I didn't think much about it till the other day when ASid mentioned that his friend CM's family is a happy and a friendly family! Really? Why? How does he feel about his own family?

It appears that CM and his family have "family board game nights" and some weekends, they all play together on their Nintendo devices. That makes them happy and I am still not sure how they are friendly?! I asked ASid his thoughts on his own family! ‎ His answer stunned me for a few minutes...

ASid said that we NEVER play board games or have fun on the devices! I had to remind him that he has 3 Nintendo handheld ‎devices (DS, DSi and 3DS XL) that he enjoys playing on simultaneously; we also have an iPad and an iPod Touch that the 2 boys connect with and play together; we have a PS3 (at our home) and Nintendo Wii (at my parents' home) that they use when there are a lot of friends and family visiting...on the same note, we have 4 versions of Monopoly, an anniversary edition of Scrabble with a rotating board, Sorry, Catan and many more! It seems like I am listing all our treasures and for all intents and purposes, these are our treasures. All of our money is mostly invested in the boys' RESPs and their "toys". 

So, why are we not a happy family? ASid then pointed out that it is not that our family does not play games; it is just that I do not join in on any one of the games! So, it was really me who is holding back the family from winning the "Happy and Friendly" title! It made me sad and mad at the same time. How dare ASid use this random means of measurement? It felt like he was using his dad's standards to measure/judge his mom‎.

As much as I was upset, ASid was red with anger as he blurted out again, "You NEVER play any games with us...you NEVER make the effort!” Wow! That was a bit harsh. But he was right. Once in a while, I play Scrabble with the boys; that's about it! However, I do make an effort in other ways. I was a little saddened that I wasn't being recognized for my contribution to my boys' lives. I let ASid vent for a while; he is 12 going on 13. So far, he has been a great preteen and if this is the extent of his angst...it is actually not that bad!

When he cooled down, I did let him know that I am hurt just as much by his words as he is by my lack of participation in games. I hoped that he is happy that his Momley listens to him and has all the time in the world for him. Craigley has all the patience for games, but he expects the boys to summarize their narratives; his standard request, "Can you say that in 2 or 3 sentences?"‎. On the other hand, I have all the patience to listen to the boys as they talk about their day at school or an issue with a friend or their excitement over a book.

Still…I could play more games with them...perhaps that will make us a happy family...perhaps ASid will realize that all families are happy in their own ways...perhaps one day he is able to relate to his Momley in other ways...perhaps Hans won't have this same conversation with me 7 years from now...perhaps by then I am more prepared!

I think with my firstborn I am learning of all the ups and downs of parenthood. Given that, I guess “relatability” is not a constant; it is strong sometimes and weak at other times! On reflection, I myself was able to relate most to my mother when I became a mother myself. I shouldn’t get too emotional at what ASid said; at least, he is able to communicate his problems with me…even if I am the problem! That’s definitely a good thing, eh?

 

Anonymity

We choose to be anonymous for different reasons. I chose to be anonymous on this blog for very personal reasons. 

The first reason, obviously, are my boys. There is a natural instinct for any parent to protect his/her children. Just because I made the choice to "communicate" with them in such a public format does not mean they are not entitled to their privacy!

The second reason is one of hope. There will always be bias in any writing as we are a product of our experiences! However, my hope is that any mother or for that matter, any parent is able to relate to the writing on this blog and feel connected in some way. I don't feel the need to attach a black or white or brown or yellow or green face to this blog.

Having said that, I have lifted all sorts of restrictions from commenting on this blog! Before now, comments had to be moderated/approved by me…although there haven’t been any comments to date! Starting now, readers are free to comment…even the “anonymous” readers. Anonymity gives most of us strength to say things we dare not say otherwise. Anonymity (sometimes) also brings out the monsters in us where we are not ashamed to be our worst! However, I hope the readers of this blog choose to leave constructive feedback and share a dialogue.

Thanks for reading and stay tuned for more.

 

What's one's worth?

We have had an exciting couple of weeks in our family. Hans has been filming as a "background performer" or an "extra" for a new TVO show premiering in Fall. By the time Hans is done filming, he would have earned $300 at the rate of $50/day. It seems like a lot of money for a 5 year old child; it seems like a lot of money even from a 12 year old perspective!

Perhaps for the second time in his life, ASid felt a little insecure about himself. He told me that he is almost 7 years older than his brother and yet, he hasn't earned anything whereas Hans has already made money at such a young age! When I heard his concern, it immediately got me thinking. Where is this nonsense coming from? To my dismay, I am the culprit who has contaminated my child's thinking at such a tender age!

Even before I started my job search, I was beginning to feel like I was doing nothing by staying at home! This feeling crept in I believe when Hans started JK; I literally had (and still have) 5 and half hours to myself. It seemed like Craigley, other Mothers and sometimes, the whole world wanted to know what I was doing with that time. Perhaps that led me to that feeling of not doing anything. Somehow, it soon translated into being useful or not. And finally, I felt like I can only consider myself useful if I was able to use my time to do some work that paid me! I could do tons of work around my home and not feel like I contributed in a concrete sense. Money became the official measurement and it made me feel quite inadequate!

As I was going through this transition in my life, I may have had some emotional moments where I shared with Craigley and a couple of family members how I felt about my worth as an individual. Now that I am reflecting on the last few months, it is quite possible that ASid heard these conversations. In fact, I am ashamed to admit that I might have even equated earning respect with earning money! ‎What was I thinking? ... Unfortunately, I wasn't thinking.

I am so glad that my child feels comfortable enough to share his concerns with me. Since he did, I got a chance to rectify my mistake. I was able to communicate to him that it is erroneous to think that the only way to feel good about oneself is by earning money. ASid can be useful to the world by being a kind and considerate boy who helps his family, neighbours and community. Money is a necessity and eventually we have to work for it. He will be earning money too one day; he could make more or less than his brother. It shouldn't matter. What matters most is that he is a good person and he never makes others feel less than who they are!

Talking to my child made me feel better about myself too and as I continue to apply for jobs, I need to feel that way! Recently, my friend KPF lost his job. He decided to take a break and spend some time with friends and family. Even as I wish for him to get his next job quickly, I am glad he has this time and perhaps we can catch up?!

It is all in the perspective!

 

Friendships!

Recently I connected with some friends from "back home"; it is strange when people use that phrase as they are not really going back and it is probably not their home anymore! Anyways, I digress.

These friends of mine now live on 3 continents. ‎Thanks to advancements in telecommunications, we are able to chat without incurring much cost to any of us!

The last time I sat with these 4 friends of mine was in 1995. When we all connected 2 months ago, it didn't feel like 18 and a half years‎ have flown by. As we caught up with each other's lives, I felt like no time has passed at all!

On a daily basis, I feel more or less my real age; however, when chatting with my friends, I feel very young. I am transported to a time when all I worried about was school and perhaps a little bit about boys :)

Talking of boys...I want my boys, especially ASid, to cherish this time they have; make friendships and enjoy them. I hope they do!

Some of us, like Craigley, have the same 2 friends we have had from when we were 5. Some of us make friendships at every stage of our lives. Personally, I believe every friendship I formed has helped me get through some stage in my life. ‎My friends have been my strength when I needed it the most.

Today and every day I can, I want to celebrate ‎my friendships. Thank you all for being there for me!

 

(Final) Chucky Update (?)

If the 2 to 4 readers of this blog have been reading somewhat regularly, they are aware of my issues with Chucky. This 5 year old boy has made me feel quite uncomfortable as well as inadequate in a sense. It is difficult to express in words how I feel about how (perhaps) I failed this boy!

I have written previously about Chucky; however, today I can write about him with hope. A few days ago, Chucky’s mom called me. She wondered if I could be honest with her about Chucky. It was like all my prayers were answered. In the past, I did not know how to approach Chucky’s parents or how I could help. It literally drove me crazy that I did nothing. So, the call was like redemption. I tried to be as diplomatic as possible, but let Chucky’s mom know that he has issues with authority and that he could be aggressive at times. It was not the most pleasant of conversations and yet it made me feel better. I am relieved to know that Chucky will get help.

 

An Oscar Win!

In our home, 8:30pm is bed time for Hans. He was not at all happy. It seemed to him like the whole world was about to watch the Oscars except for him! His older brother sleeps an hour later and so ASid was allowed to watch the beginning of the show. As I helped Hans brush his teeth and get ready for bed, he tried to "escape" once and mostly expressed his displeasure for not being included with the rest of the family! Finally, I reminded him that I was not watching the Oscars either as I was with him! The kid drives me crazy sometimes!

There are times I lose my cool and there are times I am reminded of my own childhood. Luckily, I remembered and I decided to share an instance with Hans. I told him how I didn't have a TV at home when I was his age. I also told him how my mother walked with my brother and myself to someone's home so we could watch a movie that she watched when she was a child! Hans immediately told me that he felt sad for me. As he drifted off to sleep, he whispered, "I will give you the trophy mommy...when I win it...when I grow up". I assured him that I would keep it for him safely! He was soon asleep.

I felt like a winner as I caught up with Craigley and ASid.