Leisurely looting of Time

I have recently proclaimed to many that if ‘Time is Money’, it makes sense that I chose Time over Money. I guess I was trying to justify why I chose to be a stay-at-home mom for so many years.

On Saturday, I watched 5 movies, and then on Sunday, I couldn’t recall all 5 of them. I knew the 1^st movie I watched. It was recommended about 25 years ago by my friend KPF and I finally found it - The Big Lebowski. Then, I watched a British production that felt like an international film. The third one was Blue Velvet which was released when I was 12 years old. The 4^th was a ‘foreign’ film, and then, I ended with the musical remake of Mean Girls. I am only able to list them all because I checked History on Chrome. I have this tendency to read articles about a movie while I am watching that movie, and hence there is a trail of breadcrumbs to follow when I lose track of what I watched!

I don’t do this sort of binge-watching on a regular weekend. This was the weekend leading into March Break and I guess I went a little crazy knowing that I didn’t have to prep for this week. It also made me realize that if I didn’t have my work, then there is nothing that needs me … not that my work needs me; I am totally dispensable! What I truly realized was that ASid is 23 and hasn’t needed me for about 5 years. Hans may need me for a year and a bit, and then he is on his way as well. So, I will have a lot of time and ironically, a lot of money as well.

Would that make me happier than I am right now? Not really. 

I am glad to have had the time with the boys when they needed me. And I need to stop justifying my choices to others.

The Story did not end there

After many moons, I have been rewatching This Is Us and just finished watching the episode titled KaToby. As usual, I bawled through the episode.

I just realized today that the series ended in 2022 and so did my marriage, a few weeks after. I guess all good things do come to an end. 2025 would have marked 25 years for Craigley and me; but we cut it short at 22! Coincidentally 22 is my favourite number! So, today, when I look back on my life, it all seems to have been perfect in an imperfect way.

Once again, I am here to assert that I have no regrets. I agree with Kate, “We were meant to be together … we were meant to be apart” and a story does not end because a marriage ends. Our story will continue because of ASid and Hans.

Hans recently told me that the best thing about his dad’s girlfriend is that she is a nurse. I was surprised and then, I was happy. It is wonderful that he could go back and reflect on an unexpected moment where he was caught off guard. I was also glad that he could share that thought with me.

This is my first post in 2025. I guess the year is off to a good start. Happy New Year, everyone!

My Favourite Person

A while ago, I wrote about the impossibility of a favourite child. In the same vein, there is no singular favourite person. Depending on the time, it could be anyone. And it could be someone else when The Times They Are a-Changin'! (Had to do the Bob Dylan thing as I recently watched the movie and was inspired by each singer/song writer featured in it.)

Right now, my favourite person is Hans. Maybe I spend a lot of time with him. Well, it has been just him and me for 2 years and 2 months. So, it is quite natural, I guess.

In our time spent together, we have had very few intensely emotional moments where we were a little unkind to each other. In those moments, I had to remind myself that Hans is a teenage boy who lost his home and family and had to adapt and adjust to a new reality. Well, some could say that he is not the only one who has been through such an ordeal. And yet, his experience shouldn’t be trivialized by stating that it is simply one of many such experiences. The boy has shown extraordinary maturity in dealing with his circumstances. I am beyond proud of him.

Recently, Hans had been craving steak. I am mostly vegetarian, and Hans wouldn’t enjoy eating meat with me. He hoped that his dad would take him out for a steak dinner. Hans spent 3 days of his winter break with Craigley. Last night was the 3^rd time. As always, this morning, I asked Hans what he had for dinner last night. He said that he had steak, and I was happy for him. A few minutes later, I received a call from ASid. He was like ‘did Hans tell you what happened last night?’. So, I found out that Craigley sprang his girlfriend on the boys. ASid met her a couple of times, but Hans did not want to meet her. Nothing against the lady! She is probably a wonderful human being; however, Hans did not want to meet her. I believe Craigley should have respected that!

I asked Hans why he didn’t tell me that he had the steak dinner with his dad’s girlfriend. His simple response was that he didn’t want me to be upset and that it wasn’t that important. I told him that I wouldn’t be upset and that he could tell me anything. Then, I let him be. I was glad that ASid was with Hans when it happened. I wanted to call Craigley to have a discussion, but that would have been pointless.

In a way, that awkward moment is out of Hans’ way now. He doesn’t have to worry about it anymore. That was a source of anxiety for him, and hopefully it is not any longer.

As we get ready to welcome a new year, I hope Hans can see how bright the future is, and I hope he doesn’t let the follies of others cloud his vision.

Believers and Supporters

About 7 years ago, I wrote a post about my Dad. I went back and read it, and I still stand by each word I wrote about him.

I guess it is natural for family and friends to believe in us and support us. However, it comes as a complete surprise when perfect strangers root for us. So, I want to give a shout out to Richard. And this is perhaps only the 2^nd time that I have mentioned someone by their real name! 

Richard is a local school principal. At the beginning of each school year, I would send him an email asking him to consider me for occasional teaching opportunities and then, almost always never showed up for various reasons. Then, I finally showed up in January 2023, after a battered and bruised battle with 2022. My mind was not quite there, but I needed to get out and be the professional I needed to be. Richard welcomed me and tried to provide me with as many supply teaching days as he could. I felt bad as there was already a regular supply teacher at this school, and it was a small school. Richard told me to let the teachers know about my availability and let them decide if they wanted me to cover for them. He told me to NOT overthink it.

In 2 strange twists, the regular supply teacher had to take some time off for personal reasons, and then, a teacher fell and had to go on medical leave. I ended up covering for teachers for 3 months and got a 2-month gig at the end of the school year. Richard let me know that he would be my reference for any future jobs.

Richard was not only my reference for a few jobs I applied to, but he also recommended me to the principal who eventually gave me my current 3-year contract position. This was the job that I didn’t know existed and I never applied to it. Thanks to Richard for bringing the job to my attention and bringing me to the principal’s attention.

Recently, I had my 1^st TPA (Teacher Performance Appraisal) as a new teacher, and my biggest concern was to not let Richard down! When I got my feedback, I messaged Richard right away. He responded with “Momley, you could never disappoint me.”. (Obviously, he doesn’t call me ‘Momley’!)

Thanks to Richard and to all the believers and supporters in my life. I couldn’t have done it without all of you! I finally have my own classroom, and it is a dream come true!

The Defence Lawyer

Craigley ‘accused’ me of being ASid’s defence lawyer several times in the last 23 years. I believe I took on that role as ASid was, at one point, a defenceless child against Craigley’s tyranny or what I perceived as tyranny. Someone could call it Craigley being the strict parent or Craigley showing tough love. As I have often mentioned here before, it is all in the perspective.

Anyways, this post is not about Craigley; it is about me being ASid’s defence lawyer.

In the last 5 years, a few people other than Craigley have passed judgement calls about ASid. As they say, everyone is entitled to their judgement. Fair enough.

Without going into gore details, I will simply say that when a child is privileged, they will take for granted some of their privileges. Such is the case with ASid. His maternal grandfather is an enabler. He is also ASid’s ‘landlord’. My father gets a kick out of ASid living his life. To go back to yesterday’s post, ASid has done the opposite of what Smoggie did. ASid went shopping for colourful clothes before he paid off his debt to his grandfather; but he did pay off his debt after the shopping spree.

And in ASid’s defence, that debt was between him and his grandfather. It is nobody else’s business.

They say that Gen Z is different from Gen X. I can ‘see’ it. Smoggie and I come from a time where we worked like crazy in our first jobs. Work ethic meant something. We were always trying to prove our worth. ASid is confident and sometimes even a little overconfident about his self-worth. It scares me, this overconfidence. But I also admire it in a way. I wish I could be a brat. But I am not. While I am not, I will not judge my child for doing things differently from me.

So long as he pays off his debts, he is okay in my books.

Stories Worth Repeating

2024 is almost done. 4 more days to go, if I count today.

This has been a good year for the boys and me. I have no complaints. I also have nothing new to share with the boys, but I felt like sharing something I already wrote almost 7 years ago. I brought it up with ASid yesterday. I wasn’t lecturing him in any way, I was simply letting him know about certain stories that have left an impact on me

This one is the one about Smoggie and his ‘white shirts and khaki pants’. That’s all he wore, like a uniform, until he paid off his debt to his mother. For some reason, I didn’t mention his mother in that post. Perhaps I was protecting her privacy then, and now I bring her up in solidarity with all the mothers who quietly support their children and are happy to be in the background. I guess I have no right to put myself in the same category as them since I loudly proclaim everything I do for my children on this platform. Loud or quiet, mothers make an impact on their children’s lives.

For the last 2 years, I have been the main parent in the boys’ lives while Craigley makes guest appearances. While he is present, he puts on quite the show and indulges them with all things they love. All of this frustrates me, and lately, Hans has been hiding his exploits with his dad. When I found out, it made me sad. I realized that I had become that person.

Fathers make an impact on their children’s lives too - good or bad. Hans needed to know that it is okay for him to love his dad. It is perfectly alright to create happy memories with the other parent. Just because we are not together does not mean that the children can’t have the best of both the worlds.

I believe this post is mainly about me coming to terms with the fact that, absent or present, the boys have 2 parents. Also, Craigley and I are not the only role models in their lives. The boys are surrounded by amazing people who have stories to inspire them for the rest of their lives.

Stories worth repeating.

The Games We Play, and The Connections We Make … or Break!

There are moments in your life when you know things are not going to be the same again. For Hans, this happened (again) recently.

Christmas Eve, we used to gather at my parents’ home, and then later, we used to gather at our home, and since the separation, we went back to gathering at my parents’ home. Hans and I were there 2 days ago, and so were ASid and his girlfriend, with the rest of our family and family friends. On the 24^th, we play the game of Sneaky Santa where presents are opened and presents are stolen, and there are highs and lows, and general pandemonium. This year, the coveted present was a box of Pokémon cards in a sweet collectible tin.

The moment where Hans registered that his brother was no longer his was the moment ASid ‘stole’ the tin of cards from Hans to give his lady love. That moment was also not lost on me. And I decided to steal that tin from my firstborn for my lastborn. It was just a game, but for a moment it became all about life. I had to let Hans know that his mother was still alive and well, and in his corner. Emotions were riding the proverbial rollercoaster. Eventually, the tin ended up with Hans.

Yesterday, Hans was worried that he may have hurt his cousin’s feelings over the quest for this tin. I told him not to worry. My nephew has my brother in his corner. He will be okay. And at the end of the day, Hans also has ASid in his corner.

It feels like we have lost our loved ones when they find their loves. That feeling, fortunately, is momentary. At the risk of coming across as cheesy on a Boxing Day, I will end by writing that we are simply expanding our universe of love. We can make a new connection or risk breaking an existing one simply because of a moment where we think we have lost a loved one to someone else.

Hans not only has his tin, but he also has another person in his life now who will eventually love him like a brother.