Above and Beyond

A few days back, our POR (Positions of Responsibility) holder who also happens to be our Resource Teacher, gave me the third degree. She didn’t do it for fun; she was compelled to do so as she needed some clarification. It was in relationship to the extra CYW that I had declined sometime in October. The parent, who procured this opportunity, was upset and wanted to know why!

My first response was that I go above and beyond for my students, and each decision I make is in their best interests. To which, my POR casually commented that when we sign up for Spec Ed, we sign up to go above and beyond. That annoyed me to some extent because I do not say things for effect. I do what I say! Each school day, I send a personalized email to my students’ parent(s) about their child’s day - they get a detailed report about their child’s struggles and triumphs. For this communication to happen, I must be paying attention, and I must be on my toes constantly. I need to observe and make mental notes throughout the school day.

I have done this in every Spec Ed role I served. My summer school principal, from 2024, thought it was too much, and said that I should never do it … especially when I have my own classroom as the email communication takes up about an hour or more of my time each school day. Even Ma Bean, my CYW from last school year, wanted me to stop after the first couple of months.

In general, I tend to over communicate. As a Special Education teacher, I *want* to communicate to parents. Most of my students are non-verbal and they can’t talk to their parents about their school day. Since I send these detailed reports, parents know what happened in their child’s school day. At the end of a school year, they can potentially publish books about their children. And they can also use information in there to make a case against me. And that was the situation my POR was dealing with … the parent made a list of all incidents, related to safety, that happened over the three months of school to push for the extra CYW. My POR wanted to know why I feel the need to write everything in such detail?!

If I was a parent of a child with special needs, I would appreciate anecdotes from their school day.

Parents feel all sorts of emotions when they read my email communication - they have laughed and they have apologized; they are pleasantly surprised and can’t believe how far their child has come; and they are mostly grateful. In all honesty, I have thought of putting an end to this a couple of times … it is a lot of work and some days, I have no energy to write anything; however, I am also energized when I write about my students’ school day. I cannot imagine ever not sending these notes to the parents … even if they weaponize them against me!

I have taken the time to go through all the incidents the parent listed. 10 of the 15 listed could have been avoided if Michael had been on top of things … they would not have occurred if Ma Bean had been there. It is too bad when I want to do my best, and I do not have the best support … some days, I do not have any support at all! If I had the power, Micheal would have been let go a few weeks ago. I really don’t want him around my students. Couple of them keep running away from him.

I wanted to deal with this on my own, but I realized that I am not a miracle worker. Last Friday was the last straw. When I pointed to Michael that he spent over an hour writing an incident report instead of watching the students, he retaliated that our principal asked for it and it was a priority. This was at the end of the school day. Michael said that and walked away. I was ready to leave too as it had been quite the day, but instead I walked into our principal’s office. I wanted to know why she would make writing an incident report a priority over a CYW doing his job?! She was shocked as she did not talk with Michael that entire day and she hadn’t asked for a report!

I am glad I walked into the principal’s office. It started a much-needed conversation. I found out that Michael has been using our principal’s name to cover up his mistakes. He knew that I am a little intimidated by the lady, and perhaps he counted on me never verifying his claims. What he should have counted on was how much I care about my students and that I would go to war with anyone for them … even the principal!

Almost all the weekend, I was conflicted. I felt, at times, that I got Michael into trouble. Then, I had to remind myself that I did not go to the principal so many times because I covered for Michael. This time, I went to confront the principal about a report that was prioritized over the safety and well-being of my students. If Michael had only been honest, he wouldn’t be in trouble now. Well, he is not really in trouble as I told our principal that I would continue to deal with him and I want her to stay out of it … for now.

I hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Addendum:

Regardless of what today was like, there will be better days ... I am a believer.

Toronto

Over the last 6 years, since ASid left home for higher education and beyond, Hans and I have bonded over shows and food. We watched ‘Money Heist’ and went in search of paella. We loved ‘Ted Lasso’ and tried jollof rice. We had to eat lobster with ginger and green onion right after that episode of ‘The Brothers Sun’ ended! I could write more about our culinary adventures that followed our viewing pleasures. And I am only able to do that because I live in Toronto.

Recently, I told someone that I do not feel the urge to travel because the world resides in Toronto. I can simply visit neighbourhoods and restaurants in my city to see and taste what the world has to offer.

Many many moons ago, we visited 3 cities in the States - Washington D.C., Philadelphia and New York. I wrote about that road trip. What I did not write about was my experience of seeing the Statue of Liberty in person for the first time … unfortunately, there was really nothing to write about! I had seen this iconic NY landmark in so many movies that seeing the actual physical structure wasn’t that exhilarating. That was the moment I realized that traveling to see monuments wasn’t for me.

I could make monumental moments with my dear ones simply by spending time with them close to home … sometimes even without leaving home!

I was a wide-eyed 18-year-old visitor when I moved to Toronto in 1992. I was supposed to have been here for only 4 years, and now it has been over 33 years. Within that time, I have grown and the city has grown as well. Initially, I felt like it took forever to get to any place. Everything seemed so far away; perhaps because I depended on my father, my brother and my then husband … in that order … to drive me around. In the last 3 years, since it has just been Hans and me, nothing has felt too far. The city seemed to have shrunk.

What once was new and intimidating is now old and familiar.

I do not believe I would have realized my dreams of being a teacher and a writer as well as I have in any other city. I don’t believe any other city in the world would have inspired me as much as Toronto does! Even with all its imperfections, it is the perfect place for me.

When the magic will happen one day, Toronto will be in the centre of it all.

Enough Said

When I was in Ottawa over the Summer Break, I couldn’t stop talking as I was seeing my friend KPF after 8 years. Somewhere in all my rambling, I mentioned how ASid thinks that the first day of my life would be the day Hans is off to school. I shared with KPF that that is ridiculous! So, I chose the day I left Ottawa, Tuesday, August 12^th, as the first day of the rest of my life.

That was the day I decided I will take chances even when I have the proverbial ‘no chance in hell’!

Today, I watched a movie whose title is the title of this post. It was a movie about real people … people who are divorced, people who are flawed, people who are looking for second chances … people who need to let their children go and live their lives. I am so glad I watched the movie. It inspired me in a positive way. The 2 lead actors were in their 50s when the movie was made, and one of them died shortly after making it.

That knowledge was a little heartbreaking, but as Hans remarked once … actors will live forever in the works they leave behind!

Lately, I have this intense urge to reach out to people who make magic happen. It does feel like a snowball’s chance in hell. No one even reads this blog. I do not even have a single follower. And yet, I truly believe I have a story worth sharing. There is so much I haven’t written yet!

This is the 499^th post. When I went to look for when Hans made his remark, I realized that it was in the 99^th post which was nearly 10 years ago. And I am still writing. That’s something, right? ... Enough said!

The Domestic Stuff!!

I haven’t felt like writing anything for the last few days. There was nothing inspiring to write about … until a few minutes ago!

I got home from work and decided to do some laundry. I got Hans to accompany me to the laundry room. The boy has complained of a headache since Saturday morning and looks weak. For the first time in his life, he asked for pain medication. This was a big deal for me. On the elevator, on our way to the laundry room, I asked Hans how he was doing. He said that he still feels off. Jokingly I asked him whom he has been kissing?! He didn’t respond and I elaborated by saying there is a “kissing disease” called mono and that was what I was wondering about. His response: “I heard you the first time.”. So, I asked him why he didn’t respond and he was like “I am afraid you would get mad at me!”.

That response got me off topic. It actually got me a little upset.

It took me back in time to that summer when ASid got his job at the CNE. It was as a cashier; however, one afternoon, he was taken to the back and asked to wash dishes. The boy just stood there and looked at the dirty dishes. After a few seconds, his coworkers realized that ASid did not know how to wash dishes. He was almost 17 at that time (same age as Hans is now). I guess someone showed him how to wash dishes and they got done.

Here are 2 responses to that episode that annoy me to no extent:

-        One of my mom friends used that to teach her sons how they should never be in such a predicament. She felt that it was an embarrassing situation for ASid. Seriously?!

-        ASid recently recalled that incident and seemed to blame me for putting him in such a predicament. What the heck?!

Doing laundry and washing dishes are domestic chores that most people must do for a very long time. I did not get ASid to do them because they are not “rocket science”. I wanted him to spend his childhood doing whimsical stuff.

Right now, ASid is in Oxford. That is where I wanted to pursue my post-secondary education. My boy attended a formal dinner there. (Was he thinking about washing the dishes? I don’t think so!)

Anyways, Hans did not respond to the question I asked twice. Perhaps he is annoyed as well.

Hair and All That It Entails

I have liked Keri Russell since the last century. And over the last week and this weekend, I have watched seasons 1 and 2 of 'The Diplomat' again and finally caught up with season 3. The series is not a comedy, but there was a relatable comedic moment in there that made me laugh ... and made me feel good.

I spend very little time on my hair or my physical appearance in general, but I am going to focus on the hair for this instalment of the blog. Just to provide an impartial statement, I will quote my principal here: "My hair looks like yours today!". She said those words to me when she didn't have time to blow dry her hair and the humidity added to its unkemptness.

So, she notices my hair ... should I be flattered? No! She insulted me, I think!

On ‘The Diplomat’, Keri Russell’s character, Kate, doesn’t seem to care for her “visual (re)presentation” to the world. To exaggerate that characteristic, when Kate gets a body double or a decoy (I forget the actual term(s) used), that person wears a uniform-like nondescript outfit and has extremely unkempt hair. The comedic moment for me was when Kate tells this person that she washes and combs her hair, and perhaps this person could do the same!

For me, it brought back memories of the fuss that was made over Keri Russell’s character’s hair in ‘Felicity’ at the turn of the century/the millennium.

It is crazy that hair is of such significance sometimes. I guess I can get away with making my hair irrelevant as I am a teacher in a special needs’ classroom. The biggest concern around my hair is that of safety as it could get pulled by a student and hurt/injure me to some extent. I was sent for a “crisis prevention” training session to deal with just such a situation (amongst other possible situations).

So, hair can be beautiful and burdensome simultaneously. If anyone has been reading this blog, they would also be aware that I recently watched ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’. In that series, the protagonist chops off her hair and thereby, shortens it considerably. That scene reminded me of a certain pop star shaving her head nearly 20 years ago. I believe she was going through some sort of crisis in her personal life. And in my opinion, getting rid of her hair made it one less thing to think about.

Such a weight we put on our heads!

It is all good ... until it is not!

That is sorta what the boys' UB said the other day to me. He is the person who started off as my brother's best friend Sir B and then became the boys' honourary uncle UB, and I guess it is time for a new moniker ... he is my friend now and I’d like to think of him as IB ... kinda like 'I be' (‘I am who I am’). Since he is who he is, he said those words to me recently. And why did he?

Allow me.

I have had just one solo dinner with IB ever, and I have known the man for almost as long as ASid has been on this planet. So, the dinner was 2 dozen years in the making. It happened over the recent summer break. We went to my favourite restaurant. I ended up with a bowl of carbs and IB had a plate of protein. I made a mental note of it. (If my little tale ever becomes a screenplay, I would be happy to name the restaurant and describe the meals in a delicious manner … for now, those details do not matter.)

Over the Thanksgiving Weekend, IB had plans to watch a movie and I tagged along. At the movies, I had a mini popcorn and IB had some protein chips. Later, on our way back to our individual homes, I commented on his protein intake. He talked about eating better … if I remember correctly. And I said something like I eat whatever and I am good. That’s when IB said those words to me.

I did not think of those words until this morning, when I ran into my building superintendent. The man had been MIA for 3-4 weeks. He is my neighbour, and I didn’t register that fact until recently. Once I did, I reached out to him and delivered some food. I caught a glimpse of him once and he was a little unrecognizable. This morning, both of us stepped out of our homes around 7 am. He was walking with a cane. This man is probably my age or younger than me. He said that he went through some surgical procedure and he was embarrassed to talk about it. I didn’t press for any details. I was just glad the man was alive. I told him that he was so busy taking care of the building that he forgot to take care of himself.

And on my way to work, IB’s words just popped into my head. Sometimes words may make an impression, but they perhaps need to paint a picture for impact. That’s precisely what happened when I saw my superintendent … he was good until he wasn’t! I hope the man recovers quickly.

Meanwhile, I need to not forget those words and look for ways to be better than good. I am not the best with making changes so this will take some time, but I am glad I have people who are there to remind me!

The "Harvard" Child and My Child

A few years ago, I wrote about 2 parents who are Harvard grads. Today, I ran into their son. He was Hans' classmate until grade 3, and then he was identified as gifted and left the regular program. Since then, he has been attending a private school for his high school education and Hans has been at his designated public school. However, Hans and this boy have been running into each other on the TTC, for the last 3-4 years, and have reconnected.

Today was an unusual day. I got home from work and decided to go out to run some errands. Hans was home and he told me that he was going to the library to study with his friends. He left before me. I left shortly afterwards and took a bus. 2 stops later, I saw Hans get on the bus with his friend. We made eye contact, and we smiled. His friend waved at me and I waved back. And that was it … I thought.

When we got off at the station, Hans walked towards me to say bye. It was precisely at that moment, the child of the Harvard grads ran into us. Hans said hi to him and literally ran off. If Hans hadn’t acknowledged this boy, I would not have recognized him. So, I decided to acknowledge the boy as well. As I approached him, he looked confused … he looked in the direction where Hans ran off to and looked at me like “did your child just leave you with me and take off?” and I was like “we are not together … we just met on the bus!” and that made it even more confusing for the boy. Anyways, after an elaborate explanation, he got it. We spoke for a bit, and I wasn’t surprised that this child can’t decide between medicine and engineering. I wished him the best and walked towards the trains.

Once on the train, I thought about both the boys. They have come a long way since they were little boys. One of them had read The Lord of the Rings trilogy by the time he was 9, and the other had just started reading comic books around that age. One of them is confident about his prospects in the future and the other is unsure if he would even get into a university. Despite the “academic” differences, both the boys have turned out well. One of them is not embarrassed to acknowledge his mother on public transit and the other is happy to miss a bus while he chatted with his mother’s friend who is also his friend’s mother!

As a parent, there are days I feel like I haven’t done enough for my own 2 boys. I feel that more strongly in Hans’ case … but Hans keeps surprising me and reassuring me in the way he approaches life.

A few months ago, Hans and the "Harvard" child met on a bus and decided to spend an entire day together. It was ASid’s birthday and Hans was shopping for a gift and his friend decided to help him. Later, Hans shared with me that his friend talked about how his private school friends were rich (in a way that made him feel less than they were). Hans told his friend that he too was rich, and he would know that if he saw his life from Hans’ perspective.

That made me both sad and happy.

Even when I feel like I have failed Hans in some way, the boy makes me feel good about who he has become. It is like he is secretly reading this blog. He can see the positive in almost everything and he is able to put things in perspective. Even if the boy ends up with nothing in terms of material gains, he will be the richest person I would ever know.

I must be doing something right … 

1992

My original family of 4 moved to Toronto in 1992. Literally, 2 weeks after we moved, the Blue Jays won the World Series. I did not know anything about baseball and did not understand the historic moment that was being celebrated at that time! The following year, it made a bit more sense.

Still, baseball was not something that I thought about … at all.

Then, on June 12, 2012, almost 20 years later, my entire family that spanned 3 generations attended a Blue Jays game together. It was not that we were interested in baseball and had become hardcore fans, we were there to simply root for ASid! The 10-year-old sang the American and Canadian national anthems with his classmates and other students from his school that day. After ASid was done, I don’t believe I paid attention to the game. (Today, I found out that the Jays played the Nationals and lost that game!)

It took us almost 4 years to get back to a Blue Jays game. On May 29, 2016, the then family of 4, was in attendance with Hans’ classmates and other families from his school. (Apparently, that day the Jays lost to the Red Sox.) All I remember was ASid reading a book the entire time. It was the strangest and the funniest sight to watch an earnest 14-year-old lost in a book while people around him were randomly bursting into chants and screams.

Today, a 24-year-old ASid is at Game 7 of the World Series. I don’t believe he is interested in baseball; however, he is there to cheer on the only Canadian baseball team we have. He shelled out an insane amount of money for the privilege of being there in person.

I now understand what all the fuss is about. (I am watching the game on TV as I am typing away.) I am so proud of our team (and my boy).

Addendum:

In a post-game analysis, someone said that “the better team lost”. I agree 100%.

Another Addendum:

Hans came home after a watch party and did not look heartbroken at all. He had a good time with his friends and that’s all that mattered to him.

*no*

One of the shortest, and one of the most powerful words in the English language is ‘no’. So, it is not unreasonable that parents are told to not use that word with their little ones as they could weaponize that word against them for the rest of their lives! Yet, when the same children are ready to venture out into the world and become independent, they are told to say ‘no’ if they are uncomfortable with anything.

I have challenges with using the word ‘no’. Recently though, I have been using it a lot in my classroom. I even wrote about it here. In fact, earlier this week, I said ‘no’ to extra help in a meeting with my principal. I was being offered a 2^nd CYW for 6-8 weeks. I am already dealing with one and I refused to deal with another for a brief amount of time. This person could be fantastic, and I would miss them when they are gone. Then again, this person could be another Michael, and I would lose my mind for those few weeks. So, I put my foot down … I did not ask for help, so why am I being offered it? My principal was surprised. She said that I sounded confident, and I responded in the affirmative.

If I have learned one thing in the last 3+ years, it is that I don’t *need* anyone. And I am okay to say ‘no’ if things don’t feel right. I have come a long way. I used to worry about hurting other people’s feelings. Now I know that I want to protect my own.

I felt like writing this post because I don’t want anyone worrying about me. I got this!

A Side Story

I have been writing mostly about work, and it hasn't exactly been positive. Today, I felt like writing about a work-related friendship.

When Hans was in kindergarten, I had some time on my hands, I joined school councils - 1st at ASid's school and the following year at Hans' school. Anyone reading this blog would already know that that spanned 7 years of my life and spawned some entertaining posts. What I may not have mentioned was that I also volunteered in various classrooms at Hans' school. Through that, I made some teacher friends long before I officially became a teacher. This post is about friendship with one teacher.

I am going to call him Neil.

I volunteered in Neil’s classroom when he taught a split grade 2/3. Split classes are tricky, and a teacher is always happy to have extra hands on deck. When my time in the classroom ended, the kids sang a song for me and gave me this big thank you card. Couple of years later, I volunteered in Neil’s classroom again when he had 35 grade 5s. That was a lot of students and again, my being there was appreciated. The next school year, Neil was Hans’ teacher! That same year, I got my job as a supply teacher; however, I waited for Hans to graduate before I picked up any jobs at his school. The following school year, Neil booked me each time he was absent from work. Then, COVID happened and I was jobless for a few months until I got the gig to teach online. Again, those who have been diligently reading this blog would know what a challenging time that was for me. I reached out to Neil and unfortunately, he had only taught grades 1 to 6 and couldn’t help me directly. However, he connected me with a friend who was a middle school teacher, and this friend provided some fun resources I ended up using. After that virtual school year, 3 teacher friends felt compelled to take me out for lunch and one of them was Neil. That Summer of 2021, I ended up helping Neil set up his classroom, but I didn’t see him until Summer of 2022 when I helped him set up his classroom again.

Then, the whole separation thing happened, and I was MIA from supply teaching from September to December 2022.

When I resurfaced in January 2023, the first job I picked up was half a day at Hans’ former school, and then, I ended up spending most of the rest of that school year in Neil’s classroom as a *co-teacher* due to some special circumstances. The following school year, I had 2 tough LTOs/short term assignments and Neil gave me access to his ‘Teachers Pay Teachers’ account for one of them, and it was super helpful. Summer of 2024, I helped set up Neil’s classroom and we went out for lunch. When I got my contract in October 2024, Neil was happy for me. Just before the winter break, he dropped by to see my classroom. It was way out of his way, but he insisted because he said I had always been in his classroom, and he wanted to see mine as I finally had my own! And I was delighted because I have this cool classroom, and I wanted somebody to admire it.

So, where is this little story going? If one were to go by the conversations we had over our lunches, nowhere really.

Neil has 2 lovely daughters and a gorgeous wife. They go camping over the summer break just before Neil goes back to work. 2 years in a row, right after our lunch, we went shopping for Neil’s family camping trip. It was wonderful to hang out with a friend, who happens to be a man, and who was so devoted to his family and who adored his wife. They met in college and have been together forever. Technically, Neil and I have nothing in common. Even as teachers, we are different. He can’t imagine being a Special Education teacher, and that’s all I care to be. He does not get along well with admin, and I end up with great connections despite rocky starts. Neil has 2 daughters, and I have 2 sons. It is truly strange that we have been friends for as long as we have been. We have nothing in common.

So, what is the point to this tale?

Since 2021, Neil and I only met once over each summer break where I would help him set up his classroom and we would go out for lunch. After he visited my classroom in December 2024, we went out for dinner. Then, we met for lunch over the March Break and Neil drove over one more time to take me out for dinner before the school year concluded in June 2025. I did not pay attention to the increased frequency as it was my 1^st contract year, and I was busy with performance appraisals, various training sessions, and running my classroom. Once I was done, I just wanted to spend time with family and friends. I even ended up visiting with KPF whom I hadn’t seen in over 8 years. I forgot about helping Neil set up his classroom as I had my own to think about. That was when Neil reached out to me to see if I was available for lunch, and since it was the Summer of Momley, I was! I had recently returned from my trip to Ottawa, and that’s all I talked about. Neil wondered if KPF was more than a friend, and I was like “no, nothing like that”! Anyways, I found out that day, that Neil had moved out of his family home!

What?! Apparently, things had been bad for nearly 2 years. How did I miss the clues? I don’t know. But I felt bad for Neil.

Since the new school year started, Neil has been checking in on me. He didn’t have IEPs to do, but I did. He suggested we celebrate after the IEPs were done, and I am like “sure”. For the 1^st time, we went out for lunch on a weekend. And for the 1^st time, I had an uneasy feeling. Over the last couple of weeks, all teachers have been working on progress reports. Neil sent a note stating that we should meet up after we are done with reports, and parent-teacher interviews. That was what got me writing this post.

From Eternal Boy to Craigley, I always seem to end up with guys who need me and who pursue me. In retrospect, that hasn’t worked for me at all. (Although KPF reminded me that I got ASid and Hans from my last failed relationship!). Talking of which, I should have said that KPF was more than a friend when Neil asked me about him … it doesn’t matter now. The strange thing is that I haven’t talked about this with anyone. I have been preoccupied with paperwork and Michael. Now that those have been ‘resolved’ in some way, I must deal with this now.

Maybe I am preparing for the worst and overthinking it all. Well, we will find out … won’t we?

Meanwhile, on whatever planet Hans is on …

... Life was being lived.

Here is what has happened with the shoe situation!

ASid, who said he would buy a pair of shoes for his brother, was busy packing and moving the last few weeks. His girlfriend and he moved into a rental place that they co-signed together over the Thanksgiving weekend. After the move, ASid has been busy unpacking and settling in! So, Hans decided to buy his own shoes. He got them shipped, with the help of a friend, from a country that does an amazing job with knockoffs. He got 2 pairs in 2 colours - black and white. I asked him to wear them and walk around. He said the white ones are not that comfortable and the black ones were. (They looked the same to me.) So, I asked him what he was going to do. He said the white pair were for style and he will use them for the short walk to school. Then, he will switch to the black pair while at school. The plan made no sense to me. Hans was like "trust me mom" and I was like "okay, kiddo"!

Since then, I have come home and seen the 2 pairs sitting sadly at the entrance while the boy continues to use his hol(e)y pair.

And here are couple of his culinary escapades!

- he broke a sturdy spatula while trying to make a grilled cheese sandwich and sent me an apology note. That spatula outlived my marriage, but Hans decided to put it to rest.

- he did something with a noodle bowl in the microwave that didn't exactly work out. So, he got rid off the "evidence" and made no mention of it. However, I found the interior top of the microwave covered in black 'soot', and I found the 2 small packs of oil and seasoning that came with the noodle bowl neatly displayed on the kitchen counter.

(Hans' current favourite show/character is Dexter. And I am like "did Hans not learn anything about cleaning up a crime scene thoroughly?".)

I guess he figured I would miss the spatula, but not a noodle bowl?!

Finally, here is what happened with Hans and Hockey!

The boy who hasn’t played hockey in a league for 2 to 3 years, suddenly decided to try out for his school team! It made no sense to me. I am usually up by 5:30 am and on my way to work by 7 am. I enjoy my leisurely morning ritual. It was abruptly interrupted one morning as Hans woke up at 6 am to leave for the try-outs at 6:30 am. It was like 2 universes collided at an ungodly hour. 

Quite predictably, Hans didn’t make the team. I wanted to know what insanity drove the boy to try out for his school team in his last year of high school?! His response: “I will take free ice however I get it!”.

On any given day, I am so glad I have this boy of mine. He makes me smile. I am happy to be on whatever planet he is on!

Finally …

Yesterday was the worst workday ever. Michael forgot another student … this time on the playground. I had to run out and retrieve her. Michael didn’t take any responsibility, and I was livid. Then, he did not support the prep teacher and asked me to do his job of writing journals with the students and bussing them! Apparently, he had a deadline, and he was stressed out!

The man sat in front of the device on his desk the entire time all the above transpired!

I did not say anything to him yesterday as it was his stepdaughter’s birthday and he had a family dinner planned. And then I ended up not attending my parents’ anniversary dinner as I didn’t want to ruin their evening with my frustrations.

This morning, I knew it was my ‘do or die’ day.

It was my 1^st field trip with my students, and I wanted to enjoy it, but first I needed to get all the negative feelings out of my way. So, I spoke with Michael before the kids arrived. I told him how much I dislike having such conversations. I told him that he clearly needs to communicate with me about where his head is at because his behaviour from the day before was confusing. I told him some other stuff.

I felt so relieved after that. I did not need a posse; I was good enough on my own.

With those words of confidence, I will rest my case. I am tired of writing about this man who will perhaps never change. And I hate how this seems to have taken over my life. I need to get back to happy thoughts. And the happiest thought right now is that I had the best field trip with my students today. I did not know what to expect, but they came through. Even my littlest one, who is a flight risk and who is on a safety plan, was kind to everyone and enjoyed the day!

I guess there is still hope for some of us …

I want Momley Teacher!!!!

Those were (not exactly) the 4 words that got me to finally start the conversation with Michael.

The 4 words (actually) uttered by one of my work kiddos - not once, but twice, on 2 different days … got the ball rolling. Both the times, we were outside for recess, and this little guy wrestled with Michael and ran towards me and held my hand and happily walked with me. The first time, Michael looked perplexed. The second time, he wondered why the little guy would say that?! Then, he comforted himself by remembering that the parent mentioned their child gravitated to females more than males!

I simply listened and decided that I really needed support to get Michael to reflect on not just that one situation, but on all the other situations in our classroom.

Before I continue, I want to say thanks to the boys’ UB who suggested that I talk directly to Michael (and perhaps not have conversations with everyone else about Michael!). Obviously, I have condensed several words of wisdom into that one ‘sort of sentence’, but that was the gist of it.

So, I approached the other ISP team and asked if we could have a team meeting. I couldn’t just walk up to Michael and talk about all the deficiencies in the way he fulfills his role as a CYW. Fortunately for me, the other 2 had some grievances as well and were happy to have a meeting. This morning, Michael realized that he needs to do more than what he is doing right now. I hope the realization leads to some action.

After the meeting, Michael acknowledged that he is happy to work with me, and he couldn’t imagine working anywhere else. He said he likes our classroom. I felt the need to remind him that Ms Bean and I worked hard to get the classroom to where it is now. And we must continue to keep at it. That was literally the message I had for him.

At the end of the day, I couldn’t believe how easy it was for a 7-year-old to ask for what he wanted; in fact, demand it! And it took me several days and a couple of conversations with friends and a few posts here and a little dilly-dallying to finally ask a person to do what he needs to do!

When someone reminds you of someone else … and it is NOT the best reminder!

I won’t go into details; but recently I had a conversation about PTSD and Craigley ... and realized that Michael reminds me of Craigley … basically not a bad guy, but a seriously clueless guy!

(Something happened today in my classroom that reminded me of something that happened about 17 years ago … and I was inspired to write this post.)

A few weeks after Hans was born, we decided to go to a restaurant with my mother and Craigley’s parents. We were in 2 cars. We found a parking spot right in front of the restaurant and we let Craigley’s parents have it. Craigley decided to drop us off, park his car down the street, and come back with Hans who was in a detachable infant car seat. A few minutes later, Craigley walks into the restaurant and the five of us who were waiting shouted in unison, “where is the baby?”. Craigley forgot baby Hans in the car and just sauntered in. Even after he received all the distressed looks, he leisurely walked out to get Hans.

Craigley still looked sane while the rest of us looked insane!

Today, I came back to my classroom halfway through my lunch break. I like to do that because I only need 20 minutes to eat, and I’d rather hangout with my *work kiddos* for the rest of it. As I walked in, I was pleasantly surprised to see them lined up and ready to go outside for recess. Michael looked like a thorough professional. Then, I was like “where is kiddo A?” and Michael looked like he lost her and then realized that she was in the other ISP classroom. So, I told him to leave with the 4 who were ready, and I would bring the 5^th one out when she is ready. Michael insisted on leaving together. By the time the involuntary straggler was ready, the other 4 started acting up. One of them flopped to the floor and refused to get up. Michael wanted them all nicely lined up, and eventually they did, and this is what he said verbatim, “It took you all 8 minutes to get ready and it is almost November!”. When he said that, he looked ridiculous to me.

If Michael hadn’t forgotten a student, they would have already been outside!

A school year is 10 months. It has barely been 2 months, and I am beginning to lose my patience. I hope Michael gets a clue soon or it will get ugly! I am fiercely protective of all my kids. If anything will get me to be confrontational, it would be incompetence and the inability to apologize for its consequences.

Thanksgiving Sunday

Yes, I know that the Canadian Thanksgiving Day is always on the 2^nd Monday in October. However, my family always celebrates on the Sunday and takes Monday off! That’s the best bit about being Canadian. There is no one way.

Hans said that he had the best day yesterday as he spent the day with people who matter the most to him. Hans was with Craigley in the morning. He spent the day with my side of the family in the afternoon and evening, and he slept over at his friend’s home with his peeps whom he calls the ‘Core Four’. Hans got home this morning, and he was happy with his life.

Almost 3 years ago, When Hans and I moved into our apartment, I was worried for the boy and how he was going to survive all that was thrown in his way. I am happy to say that he turned out splendidly.

In another beautiful coincidence, I just watched the ending of S6 E1 of ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ titled ‘Train’. It gave me goosebumps ... because there is no better joy than knowing your child is safe ... there is no better joy than knowing your child is going to be alright.

Happy Thanksgiving Day, everyone. Have a splendid day!

I legit lost my mind … for a few days!

In my last post, I mentioned how my principal requested a DQ ice cream cake for her birthday. I also wrote about how I picked it up and had it in my freezer ... between then and now, I managed to transfer it to the freezer at my work, and today, it was beautifully cut into 20 slices by my principal and eaten by all.

So, how did I lose my mind?

I will go back to Monday to answer that! I got to DQ and was confused by all the options they had. When did they get 'Jamocha Almond'? And so many other flavours?! When it was my turn to order, I asked them if they could make the original with fudge crunch? They were like "what?!". So, I explained to them that I want the classic ice cream cake. The lady patiently asked me what flavour of ice cream I wanted. I told her vanilla with the fudge crunch. She was like "we will do the vanilla ice cream cake with the fudge on the top".

I sent this note to my principal:

Ms Principal,

 

The DQ ice cream cake has been ordered. It was so complicated ... so many varieties now. I told them I need the classic and I hope that's what they make!!

 

Just an fyi. Have a good evening.

Today, when she saw the cake, she seemed pleased. When she cut into it, I did not see the fudge crunch. Then, someone asked where the cake was from? My principal responded "Baskin Robbins".

Then, it hit me ... almost 5 days later ... that I went to Baskin Robbins and not DQ, and I was the crazy woman and NOT the wonderfully patient woman who took my order!!

This has never happened to me. How could I have confused BR with DQ?! How did I have a few conversations about the ice cream cake and each time, I said DQ?!

Fortunately, my principal loved the cake, and everyone enjoyed it too.

If it ended well, does it mean all is well?!

One Year Job Anniversary

The 1^st day on my current job was Thursday, October 10, 2024. I didn’t know then, but my principal celebrated her 50^th birthday on the very same day.

This year, October 10^th is a PD Day. Yes! Barely 2 months into the school year, and it is the 2nd ‘Professional Development’ day already!! It is probably because the government took over TDSB or maybe some other reason, but now teachers must show up in person on all PD days. So, I decided to celebrate my 1^st anniversary by treating the staff to a breakfast. Food always brings cheer to even the most mournful of gatherings. Then, I thought it would be nice to bring a cake for my principal. I didn’t want to surprise her and asked her to name her favourite cake … turns out it is a DQ ice cream cake!

Since I asked, I had to deliver. I am not sure why I make my life unnecessarily challenging … I don’t have a car. Imagine a person carrying an ice cream cake, and walking to the plaza and lining up at ‘What a Bagel!’ on a Friday morning to pick up 24 bagels, 24 bourekas and some cream cheese … yes, that would be me. Since I imagined it first, I didn’t want that to be me! So, I ordered the cake on Monday and picked it up a few minutes ago. I will take it to work tomorrow morning, so my hands are free on Friday morning!

I also had to rearrange my freezer so I could fit the cake in it. I made it work!

I feel an insane amount of joy when I share food with people. Just felt like writing about it since I have been such a tragic figure in the last few posts … I am done with that now!

My Loud Voice

I am usually a calm person, and in my classroom, I am calmer than usual.

Today, I was talking with the other ISP teacher, and my littlest one decides to pick that moment to start punching me. I waited for dearest Michael to step in. Then, I lost it!! I used my *loud* voice and told the child to stop punching Ms Momley Teacher!! The child was shocked and so were the other staff, including Michael. No one had heard *that* voice before. The child literally ran away from me, and Michael went to ask her if she was okay and if she needed a break. The child was astute enough to decline his offer. I couldn't have been prouder of her at that moment in time.

A few minutes later, we did our quick check-in with Zones. For the 1st time, I chose to be in Blue and said that I was tired ... I didn't accurately share that I was emotionally and mentally super tired! (If they had been reading this blog, they would have already known that!)

Then, I looked at the child and asked her what she did and how she was feeling. She admitted to punching me and being in the Blue Zone. Then, she spent the rest of the day being her best self. She was kind to everyone including students from the other classroom whom she cannot stand ... she likes to wipe everything they touch in our classroom with disinfectant wipes!

So, the day started on a tough note ... but got better. I realized that Michael is not an issue; if he is, then that is allowing me to find the strength that I did not know I had. Last week, Michael took a day off. No one picked up his job; but I wasn’t worried. I was confident I could manage. However, my principal got our SNA (Special Needs Assistant) to check in on me throughout the school day and provide support as needed.

Today, my principal dropped by to check in on me. Once again, I let her know how much I love my job. She told me that I should take a day off if I need to. She said it is important that I take care of my mental health. What?! Is she reading this blog?! … Am I that loud?!

Feedback Revisited

In 2005, I co-wrote an article on feedback with a professor and it was published in Education Canada. It was about a year after I graduated from OISE/UT. At that point in time, that was my 1^st and only published work. And it was a big deal. Interestingly, even after 20 years, I am still writing about feedback.

Providing feedback is an essential skill that all teachers need to possess. If we cannot provide immediate and constructive feedback to our students, we cannot help them improve on the essential skills they need to succeed. Professionally speaking, I provide feedback all the time. Personally, I seem to struggle with it.

Anyways, this time around, I felt that quietly writing about my feelings here is not going to change anything at work. So, I sent a note to Michael, and I was very diplomatic. I simply let him know that we have our students for an entire school day that goes from 8:30 am to 3:10 pm. That’s a lot of time. The prep teachers spend about 30-40 minutes, and we are always there to support them … so, we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves! Since he mentioned our names together, I talked about us as a team.

However, what I really wanted to tell him was to never mention my name with his name in a single sentence ever again!

When you work with someone as closely as Michael and I do, and especially when kids with special needs are involved, we must get along for the greater good. I can’t mess it up for the kids … I must put this feeling of resentment behind me.

Then again, why am I giving importance to something said by someone who has known me all of 6 weeks?! What's wrong with me?!

My Work

In a recent post, I “confessed” to the following:

Unfortunately, I don’t have one single tragic flaw. I have many faults and one of them is to react emotionally and mindlessly when my parenting is questioned.

I react that way when *any* of my responsibilities are questioned. I give my everything when I am given a responsibility, and I go above and beyond if I willingly take on a responsibility. If I am getting paid for it, I will happily lose my sleep over it if I need to! Such is the case with my work. If anyone has been reading anything on this blog, in the last few weeks, they would already know that I love my job, and I love my students.

Here is another episode from Momley Teacher’s life. I thought I could let it go. However, I slept on it and have been awake for a few hours, and I can’t let it go without writing about it. I need to vent in my safe space!

Coincidentally, I am watching S3 E9 of ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ titled ‘Heroic’. It seems to eerily shed light on my current situation, starting with the song ‘Heaven Is a Place on Earth’.

On Thursday, the not-so-new prep teacher took over my classroom to do Music. That’s my FREE time and I could technically go take a nap and no one would think twice about it. However, I stay to support this young teacher. Michael is supposed to support her, but he almost always sits at his desk and does his own stuff. So, I guess I feel compelled to stay. I am glad I did last Thursday. There was a beautiful moment I was able to capture where all 5 of my students listened to instructions from their Music teacher and performed in sync. I was so proud of them. Friday night, I was finally able to share that video with their parents. I CC’d Michael and the Music teacher on that email.

This is what I wrote …

This school year, we have Ms Music Teacher for Music and Gym. She has been amazing with our students. She finds different ways to engage them and inspire them. Here is a short video that demonstrates the wonderful work she is doing with them. I wish I had recorded the entire performance as it only got better; so sorry, this is just a glimpse!

 

Your children do us proud and we are privileged to work with them.

This is Michael’s response …

I'm just seeing this video now, and I'm honestly floored/amazed!!!  Ms. Music Teacher, you are doing amazing work with our kids.   To see each student participating together, all at once, is not an easy task (if I'm being honest, I don't think Ms. Momley or I have been able to command the students as well as you have so far this year).  You are a fantastic teacher.  We are so lucky/thankful to have you on board.

 

Keep up the great work!

What the HECK?!

I am 100% in agreement with the praise he had for the teacher. I took serious offence to what he added in the brackets within his response! Honestly, what the heck?! When this Music teacher comes into our classroom, our students are on their way back in from recess. It is a transition, and it takes a few minutes for them to change into their indoor stuff and gather on the carpet and get ready for Music. If none of that happens seamlessly, nothing gets done … no learning happens and there are no memorable moments to capture!

I can write so much about it, but I won’t! All I will end with is this … within that video, one can see Michael sitting at his desk and missing the moment captured. He should have been supporting the teacher. He should reflect on what he does or does not do. He hasn’t earned the right to say anything about the work I do.

What is heroism anyways?! … it is possible for Heaven to be a place on Earth if we can be kind to each other without demoralizing each other.

Coaching Tales

Last school year, somewhere in April or May, my principal approached me and asked me to be one of the basketball coaches for the girls’ team. My first reaction, which was a private thought, was “are you out of your mind?".

Anyone, who can see me, can see that I am a short and chubby woman. Anyone, who knows me well, knows that I cannot run to save my life. Then, why would anyone want me to be part of a coaching team for a sport that is partial to tall individuals and that requires quick footwork?!

Anyways, it turned out that I would simply be assisting the Toronto Police Services (TPS) with a basketball program they run for underprivileged girls. It was a privilege to be part of it in any capacity. I think of police as protecting us, but I saw them inspire young girls to come out and have fun. Some of the girls were there for the love of basketball; some of them were there to hang out with their friends, and some of them were there for the free food! It doesn't matter why they were there; it was cool that they had the opportunity to be there!

So, when the other ISP teacher approached me at the beginning of this school year to help coach soccer, I did not hesitate. Again, I had no clue about the sport; however, I was willing to learn and support in any way I could! The both of us are there before 8 am on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. Some mornings, it has been rainy or cold, but we have been there for 3 weeks, and next week, we have the tournament - 4 schools go up against each other, and one advances to the next round. I am keeping my fingers crossed. We have one practice left!

Here are some highlights:

- Since it is 'All Gender', there is also a fierce battle between the boys and the girls when they do scrimmage. Once a girl blocked the ball at the net and I screamed with joy and said, "nice save" ... literally all the students looked at me and said, "she used her hands!!". Haiyya ... I keep forgetting that in most parts of the world, the sport is known as 'football' with an emphasis on the word 'foot'. :-)

- The phrase I use the most is "listen up!". I have *the* Teacher's Voice and I use it when kids don't listen to the coach.

- I feel super important with my clipboard and pencil.

I won't be going to the tournament next week as they can only provide release time for one teacher. It doesn't matter. I will be cheering on from wherever I am.

blue or green

I felt the need to add that I am, obviously, in the Blue Zone when I arrive home! My oft repeated statement to Hans is, “I am so tired!”. And I also wanted to add that yesterday, I started my workday with some early morning Soccer coaching! Yes, I coach on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. It is an ‘All Gender’ team. And the kids are teaching me all about Soccer. I am a little clueless; however, I am finding out that the most important part of coaching is to show up!

I will perhaps attempt to share some of my coaching escapades one of these days. And in all honesty, I am the Assistant Coach; so, I am probably not that vital. And yet, I am enjoying the experience.

Given that I had an extra long day yesterday, I was truly in the Blue Zone when I got home. However, I completed my IEPs and caught up a little bit on my sleep. This morning, I woke up and realized that I probably come across as an annoying person to my coworkers!

So, I needed to confess that I am as human as the rest of them.

Green OR Blue

If anyone has had an opportunity to work in a classroom full of students diagnosed with Autism, they would have heard of the 'Zones of Regulation'. I am almost always in the Green Zone. That means I am calm and happy and ready to learn.

Today, we had a very chaotic morning. We have a student "visiting" us from the other ISP classroom, and he is as confused as our students. He got into a tussle of sorts with 3 of our students, one at a time, and one after the other. All 3 of them got dysregulated right away, and there was no way any learning was going to happen. Michael made a call to take all the students (5+1) to the Sensory Room. I was glad he made the call and supported it 100%.

When we got back, we were good to go! We start our school day by checking where each of us is ... in terms of the 4 Zones. Today, we were spread out over the 4 of them. We knew whom we could nudge a little and whom to not nudge at all.

Despite the rough start, we had some spectacular moments in the school day. We love when we end the school day with all students going home safely and happily. Some days, we do some debriefing. Today, Michael told me that I can't be in the Green Zone all the time. His rationale is that students need to see us in other Zones. Today, he felt I could have been in the Blue Zone since I worked late last night on the Individual Education Plans (IEPs) for our students that are due tomorrow, and I didn't sleep well, and I had a rough morning! Michael felt that I could do some role modeling for our students - like letting them know it is okay to be in the other Zones. I got his point; however, I truly was in the Green Zone!

I had to let Michael know that I am annoyingly positive. Honestly, I love my job. I love my students (maybe not the most politically correct thing to say, but I do). I always think of how a parent would want their child treated, and since I am a parent, I would want a loving and caring adult taking care of my kids, especially if they also have special needs.

Once I am in my classroom, and I see my 1st student, it is showtime! They get the best of me. I come home, and I have no energy left for my child. It is wonderful that he doesn't need me anymore! 

At this point in this post, I will purposefully digress ... 

Recently, I watched this special on Barbara Walters. She apparently had a child, and she prioritized her job over her parental duties. Within the special, I got to hear Oprah Winfrey's thoughts about that. She shared that Ms Walters encouraged her to have a child; but Ms Winfrey decided that it is best not to since she only had time for her work or something like that! And I got that ... I don't believe Ms Winfrey was saying she made a better choice, I believe she was saying she made a different choice that works for her. Well, some of us are lucky to have the ability to make choices, and I am thankful I am one of those lucky ones!

At the end of the day, it is about women not judging other women. It is also about men not telling women what they should do and how they should feel about the choices they make. When I choose to be in the Green Zone, I could also be role modeling to students that we can continue to be positive regardless of how terrible things get.

The Invisible Privilege

Yesterday, Hans went to a University Fair. He came back informed and excited. He shared that he has his top 5 choices; however, he may not get into any of them. I reminded him that September is not yet done, and he is already giving up hope. I told him, like I told his brother, that Grade 12 is temporary and he only has to work hard for a few weeks.

In response, Hans told me that he could always mention, on his applications, about his single mom and her rheumatoid arthritis. What the heck?! First, I was indignant that he got my diagnosis wrong - it is 'Palindromic Rheumatism'!! And next, I am not the stereotypical 'Single Mom'. I am not struggling in any dire way, and I am not dependent on anyone. Even if I were to lose my job, my parents will welcome me into their abode ... they have been waiting for the past 3 years to do so!

I let Hans know that his mother is not exactly poor. She just made choices that have *enriched* her in other ways. No one should measure one's worth by how much money they make. That is sad and disappointing ... especially when it comes from my child. 

To his credit, Hans didn't argue and looked quite sheepish. It was easy to forgive him ... and write about it here!

This took me back to a post from 2014, ‘What’s one’s worth?’, where ASid felt insecure, and today, that boy is a young man who is super confident and doing well. And now his baby brother has so much self-doubt that he mistakenly thinks that he needs to be pitied to get any consideration! I need to talk more to the boy.

Too Personal!!

Today, we had a PD (Professional Development) day. So, students got a day off and the staff got to hang out together and learn stuff. Our principal wanted to meet the ISP team and get an update, especially since Michael is the newest addition to the team. Obviously, we delivered a positive report and the meeting ended well, with all of us feeling good about the job we are doing.

After that, the 4 of us walked into our 2 classrooms that have a connecting door.

Michael wondered why the parent didn’t respond to his email, from 2 days ago, where he mentioned that their daughter earned his *respect*. I let him know that the parent usually responds if she has a concern or a question. Otherwise, she doesn’t feel the need to respond. Despite my explanation, Michael felt that he gave a great compliment to their daughter, and she should have said thanks or something. I didn’t know what else to say to make him feel better.

Then, he proceeded to proclaim that the reason is that he is “secondary staff” and so not as important as the teacher! That hurt my feelings.

I have written hundreds of emails to family and friends as well as to parents of my students, and barely anyone responds to me! Some days I wish they would respond; but most days, I know that people are busy. I make up excuses for my most favourite individuals and have no expectations from others. That works for me. If I took every non-response personally, I would be the most miserable person on this planet.

I sincerely hope Michael doesn’t make this too personal and base his worth contingent on some parent responding to a compliment he gave their child. And I don’t want this odd perception to affect our professional relationship. That would be too tragic! 

Personal versus Professional

I don’t know how my dad did it. He was able to keep his personal life separate from his professional life. If you are reading this right now, you already know that I live one *wholesome* life on this blog as well as in real life, and I am all over the place … I am talking about my life at work, and I am sharing stuff about work at home.

Last school year, Hans heard me talk about my work almost every single day. He heard some anecdotes several times as I repeated them for my parents, my brother and some friends. So, when he had an opportunity to volunteer at my work last June, he was determined to find that student who made my life a little miserable. (I mentioned this student first time in a July post.) My 17-year-old was on the warpath until I reminded him that this was a 7-year-old kid, and he should let it go! I had never seen my boy so angry, and it reminded me of the 9-year-old Hans I wrote about in ‘The Last One Digit Birthday’. Even at that age, I could see him standing up for me regardless of whom he was standing up to!

In this scenario, he would have been looking down at that kid, both literally and figuratively.

Today, I almost clashed with Michael over this same kid. Michael is enchanted with her, and he truly believes she is this unique little thing. She is. I think she is supremely talented and incredibly imaginative. However, she is also manipulative and mean. Her classmates are terrified of her, and she is our youngest in age and smallest in size. She has not spared anyone with her hands and words. And she has the most excellent expressive and receptive communication skills. Out of the other 4 students we currently have, 2 of them simply echo and one of them shouts random words and the other talks to herself. So, this kid is the only one who can have a conversation.

In a Special Education classroom, we need people who have the utmost patience to speak with a child who cannot reciprocate in any way. The silence can be deafening and sometimes it gets drowned by YouTube videos of endless singing of the songs of childhood. So, when a child comes along with speaking skills, that child has a captive audience. Such is the fate of Michael. Today, I had to take the other 4 students and walk them to a safe space while Michael dealt with this one kid. While I was gone, she trashed our classroom and needed time to calm down. The main reason I evacuated the classroom was because of a rain boot that was deliberately thrown at one of the other 4 students. If we hadn’t left, more bodily damage would have ensued.

At the end of the school day, I send personalized email updates of our students to their parents. This takes me about an hour after work. Michael has requested me to CC him on these emails. I have been doing that since September 2^nd. Today, for the first time, for no good reason, he decides to respond to my email to this kid’s parent. Here is what he wrote:

She just wants to be seen and be heard for who she is (and there is nothing wrong with that).  She just needs a little help controlling her impulses sometimes (and I have every confidence she will continue to do so in time).  … she earned more than a sticker today.  She earned my respect.

What the heck?! Michael wanted to know if I thought his response was alright?! I told him that it was more than alright … it was spectacular! I didn’t know what else to say! This was the kid who tried to silence another by placing a beanbag over the latter’s face, and today, she threw a boot at the same kid. On what planet is such behaviour deserving of respect? I am baffled. Right now, I feel like going back in time and letting Hans know that I respect his feelings … he was just being protective of his mother!

This is something I feel like I cannot talk about anywhere but here. This is my safe space. No one can silence me here.

A Ray of Sunshine

The following poem was written sometime in August. I believe I wrote it on the train ride back from Ottawa.

I am a ray of sunshine

I bring warmth

But sometimes I burn

Myself and others

 

Then I disappear

To cry at night

Yet I show up again

To make things (b)right

My friend KPF’s first name is very similar, in terms of the way it is spelled, to a name in another language. If a letter is deleted from his name, the edited version literally means ‘a ray of sunshine’ in this other language. I was pondering about that and wrote the above poem!

My Best Life

My not-so-new teaching partner, Michael, approached me the other day and said that I am a smart person. I wondered where that was going. Turns out he self-published 2 books of poetry and wanted some feedback from me. I was like 'what makes you think I am smart?', and he was quick with a response that I have 2 degrees. Guilty as charged. I do display my 2 degrees prominently in my work email signature - "B.A. (Honours), B. Ed". They are just Bachelor's degrees and nothing special; however, Michael seemed to focus on the 'Honours' bit a bit too much.

So, I was tasked with reading Michael's poetry. Since I have a long bus ride home, I was able to read his poems literally in one sitting. Then, I felt the responsibility to provide constructive feedback. Obviously, poetry is personal. As always, I tried to focus on the positive. I chose a poem from each collection that I could relate to - one was about a moment with a child, and the other was about a mirror on the wall. Since my blog is all about capturing moments with my children, and recently also about seeing myself in a figurative mirror, I could readily relate to those themes.

And then, I had to deal with the "constructive" part of my feedback. I told Michael that his poetry is too personal, and thus, inaccessible. I sent all my thoughts to Michael in an email. I chose the written format over the oral one as I always feel like I have some control over the words I use. I am quite terrible when I have to convey anything "constructive" in person! Anyways, despite my careful consideration, Michael still felt like I missed certain nuances as he used what he called Canadian slang! Then, it was my turn to be a little upset.

I am as Canadian as Canadian is.

However, I did not go that route. Instead, I told Michael that I need to read his poems in a leisurely manner and perhaps not all at once. That way, maybe I will get the nuances he intended. Michael was happy about that. I did not tell him that I also dabble in poetry. Currently, I have 7 poems "published" on this blog - the most recent one was a modified version of a "song". I do believe a couple of them are a little personal; however, the others are quite relatable I think. Unfortunately, I don't have a clue as my handful of readers are too kind and do not provide *any* feedback!

I wanted to take a moment and throw light on how I am churning out quite a few posts even though I am back at work?! Well, I have only ever wanted to be a teacher and a writer. After I spend an entire school day teaching, I am on a long bus ride back home. The last school year, I spent that hour and a bit, on the bus, playing ‘Candy Crush’. I am at level 18, 000+. This school year, I have decided to instead write if I have something to write about. How cool is that?! I am living my best life.

The Feeling of Failure

Hans had his G2 Driver's Test scheduled for 3:22 pm this afternoon. He had a new instructor who got lost on his way to our home and picked up Hans at 2:39 pm instead of 2 pm and brought Hans to the test centre at 3:25 pm.

A few minutes later, I received a text from Hans ... I failed ... and I responded with ... It is alright.

At 3:58 pm, my parents picked up Hans from the test centre and brought him home. They were there at 3 pm and had been waiting patiently.

First thing I did was to write an email to Young Drivers expressing my utter disappointment. It would have been nice to have his usual instructor and the car he did his lessons in. Having a new instructor and a new car, and arriving late, did not help with nerves. I was sure of that!

Young Drivers called about 3 hours later. That was when I got Hans to share all the details of his ordeal … while I was on the phone with a woman named Irene. Until that moment, the boy wanted to be left alone in his room and not speak a word. While on the phone, I wanted my kid to know that I was advocating for him, and I was in his corner. I also wanted him to see how strong his mother is … I did not swear (and never do anyways) and I spoke calmly and clearly; stated facts (even asked to verify them with the instructor) and finally thanked Irene for calling me. At the end, I refused to pay the $700 for an extra lesson and for rescheduling the test. I had already paid over $2K for the program! I was only willing to pay the fee for the test … they owed Hans a free lesson. I was firm on that!

Hans sat beside me on the couch for a few minutes even after the call ended. He apologized for not eating dinner, and then he wondered if he could step out for some fresh air. I told him to take care and never forget that his mother is there for him.

I am writing about this because providing feedback is challenging. I am 51 and I have always given a 5-star rating to all the restaurants I have frequented, to all the drivers who have given me rides and to all the services I have used. If I had any constructive feedback, I have provided it privately to them without compromising their reputations. Hans is 17. Like his mother, he is positive with his feedback. He is a happy kid and does not want to hurt anyone’s feelings. One day, he will find his voice, and I want it to be purposeful - to speak when it matters!

Individuals and Their Shoes

My paternal grandfather loved buying shoes for his son. In the last few years, the son’s son has enjoyed buying footwear for his father. This grandson is Bambino, my brother. He has bought footwear for literally everyone in the family.

The above fact, by itself, does not make a moment. A moment is made when something unexpected happens - good or bad!

Bambino has been buying shoes for Hans for maybe 3-4 years. Quite frankly, I haven’t been keeping track! All I remember are Hans’ responses to these shoes - especially when Bambino is there in person! (Some shoes have been delivered by mail) Hans usually responds with a big smile, sometimes followed by a hug and always with words of gratitude.

In the last few months, as I settled into my predictable daily routine, I have been paying attention to Hans’ shoes. I observed that his running shoes were quite worn out and falling apart in 3 places. I wasn’t the only one to notice this! For his birthday in May, his maternal uncle gifted Hans with a brand-new pair of shoes. I was visibly emotional as I had been asking the boy to buy a new pair, and he was like “I am okay Mom”. Hans is acutely aware of our current situation, and he refuses to burden me with extra financial demands.

I have told Hans repeatedly that parents must provide children with the basic necessities of life, food, clothing and shelter, and that list includes shoes! 

Since school started 2 weeks ago, Hans and I seemed to have switched our arrival times - I have been home before Hans on most days. As I got out of my footwear at the door each day, I consistently saw that Hans’ not-so-new pair of shoes were there and not his worn-out shoes! I was perplexed and finally questioned him about it 2 or 3 days ago. At that point, he said that they were hurting his feet, and he put them away in the closet - outta sight! So, I reminded him about how he expresses such joy on receiving shoes from his uncle, and I recalled how he hasn’t worn the last 2-3 pairs with the same enthusiasm. I asked him to let Bambino know that maybe they should go shoe purchasing in person, and he could choose what he likes instead of the fake appreciation he has displayed. As predicted, Hans’ response was “it is okay Mom” and he was gone!

Perhaps I was too tough on the boy. He is genuinely happy when he receives the shoes. It is when he wears them that he is not so happy anymore. Since I work with kids who have specific sensory needs, I get that part.

Yesterday, ASid and I had dinner with Bambino and his family. Bambino brought up shoes, or rather boots, as winter is coming up. He wondered about Hans’ shoe size. Since his nephew is unwilling to provide honest feedback to him, I decided to tell my brother that he should stop buying shoes and boots for my youngest. Obviously, Bambino was surprised. He was like “but the boy is always so happy” and I was like “because he doesn’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings”.

This is when my brother proceeded to tell me about my parental responsibilities and how I should teach Hans to provide proper feedback to people. I may not recall the exact words as his words hit me hard … because I take my responsibilities as a parent seriously and my brother just told me that I am not doing a good job! Unfortunately, I don’t have one single tragic flaw. I have many faults and one of them is to react emotionally and mindlessly when my parenting is questioned. I could have said something diplomatic like “it takes a village to raise a child, and we can all take responsibility”; however, I said something like “my child is 17 and can you teach your child to try something new?”. My nephew is 11 and a fussy eater.

It was a moment of embarrassment for me, and I seem to be creating these moments in the heat of the moment and regretting them later!

I got home and I knocked on Hans’ door. He was a little under the weather and had skipped dinner with his uncle and his family. I let Hans know about the exchange of words with my brother. Hans’ immediate response was that he was sorry to put me in a confrontational situation. He knows how much I hate them! I told him that he is my child, and I am happy to speak on his behalf; but he needs to start doing that for himself soon.

Since I like to end a moment on a positive note, I would like to share that ASid who was present at the dinner offered to take his brother shoe shopping and buy him his next pair!

It was a moving moment … it reminded me that Hans and I have wonderful brothers.