Airing my fresh laundry!

One of the oft repeated remarks from other parents is about ASid visiting us only because he has some dirty laundry to do! This may be true in most cases or maybe it is just an urban myth! In ASid's case, it is the latter.

ASid is home for the holidays and he got all his laundry done before he got home!

The reason I am bringing this up is because Hans was sick for over a week before the holidays and missed the last 5 days of school. I already had 2-3 loads of laundry to deal with! I was dreading adding 2-3 more loads to that! However, ASid's laundry was done and neatly folded ... just the way Momley would do it!

I am so very proud of the boy. In the 18 years that he was home, I never made him do laundry; however, we had several conversations in laundry rooms over the last 18 years! Just before he moved into residence, I did a laundry demo and got him to take some mental notes. That was enough!

Now that ASid's first semester of university is wrapped up and 2019 is almost done, I realized that I have fewer posts this year than the last 2 years. It was probably because I was busy and the boys were busy.

The boys provide the content and motivate me to write. The continued existence of this blog depends on them.

So, here is an extract from a recent conversation:

Momley: If you are on the computer and not doing your work, you are not fooling me; you are fooling yourself!

Hans: Don't worry mom! I am doing my work.

Momley: OK then! Just make sure you don't end up with a minimum wage job.

(Since ASid started university, employability has become a topic of interest. Hans has a few years, but first year of middle school has been eye opening for him. There is more homework and more teachers and more expectations. It has been a tough transition for the boy. Since it will only get tougher with high school and university, ASid and I keep giving Hans a reality check whenever it is warranted. A minimum wage job is fine if Hans is able to live with it. There is no shame if one is able to pay one's bills and live respectfully within one's means. Somehow, it may be challenging for Hans … or maybe not! Doesn't matter. Reality checks are good.)

Hans: Don't worry. I will live in ASid's basement.

(It is not like the boy takes any of the reality checks seriously!)

ASid: I will not have a basement. I will be living in a penthouse!

(That didn't sound like an invitation for Hans to live in ASid's penthouse!)

These are the kinds of exchanges I miss the most with the boys currently living under 2 roofs. Their lives are changing rapidly. ASid has a new girlfriend now. He brought her home on Christmas Day. This was the first time ever he brought a girl home.

Hans had this to say about that: Mom, this may sound a little cringe-y; but this is a Christmas miracle!

I am not sure if ASid's new girlfriend is indeed a "miracle"; however, the boys are my miracles each and every single day I live and breathe. When I write about them, it is like airing my fresh laundry!

 

On occasion, sharing information = chopping my nose

Both ASid and Hans believe that I freely share information with anyone and everyone. I believe I even mentioned it here once.

According to the boys, it hurts them more than it helps others. They haven't complained recently though; maybe they have become immune to the consequences?!

Most recently, this parent registered his son in the same hockey league as Hans'. I had provided all the details to this man. On the first day, his boy was apparently quite nervous. However, his team won over Hans' team with a 7-6 score. Hans was very kind to go to his former classmate and let him know that he played well for his first game. Last Saturday, the 2 teams met again and it was a similar result. On Monday, the other boy was apparently gloating over the win!

At the risk of coming across as petty, I felt for the first time that I shouldn't have been kind enough to share Hans' hockey league's info with that parent! The parent is great, but the child has a reputation for having a mean streak! What was I thinking?!

I do believe that my sharing information has sometimes put the boys in awkward or undesirable situations. Hans has actually endured more of it than ASid - mostly inclusive play dates that he had to host because his mom said so! I could have lied about plans but I chose to disclose information and then, ended up inviting other parents and their children.

My choices haven't been the kindest to my own children. Yet, they haven't turned out to be bitter beings. In a recent conversation with ASid, I found out that he decided to be friends with the girl who unceremoniously broke off their relationship in a text message! As a mother, I was concerned; however, I really liked the fact that ASid was able to forgive this girl and move forward positively without any animosity.

I haven't been the best parent, but the boys have turned out alright … more than alright!
 

The Dump Situation

Yesterday, my mom called me because she had a bad feeling that something was not quite right with her first grandchild. I had the same feeling as well because I had actually communicated with my firstborn and he let me know he wasn’t exactly feeling good without really divulging anything!

When too many feelings get in the way and things don’t make much sense, it is time to get to the crux of the matter.

Today, I set off on a mission of sorts with Bambino. We went to see ASid so we could be enlightened. To be honest, the boy wanted to see some family and if I could only recruit one member of the family, that would be my brother and I did.

On the way there, we speculated on a couple of reasons as to why ASid was down in the dumps. Obviously, as his mother, I had some additional info and I was right. It was a matter of the heart! I was sad and relieved at once. I felt for my boy. Then I also felt that it was a good thing as he has a lot on his plate with first year of university and he is too young to get involved with someone!

ASid’s pain was real though. Apparently, he was depressed for 3 days. Today, he was much better. It was great that he could talk about his feelings with his mother and his uncle. Bambino made him some comfort food and also, went above and beyond to unclog the one and only toilet in the boy’s residence! It turned out that all the friends that dropped in to comfort a dumped ASid decided to also take a dump in his toilet.

I guess such a tremendous show of support is worth a clogged toilet for a couple of days!

The real moral of the story is for ASid to realize that there will be heartaches galore and many opportunities to bring out the plunger; however, those are simply hurdles in life he needs to get over! While he is picking up the pieces and cleaning up the messes, hopefully he also takes the time to appreciate the people who help him get over those hurdles.

 

Collaborations and Goals

Today, I watched the first episode of Nancy Drew. At one point in my life, I had read all the Nancy Drew books published up to that point in my life! Then, I moved on to some other series. When I saw the commercials for the latest adaptation, I got all nostalgic and had to watch at least one episode!

My takeaway was unexpected. I zeroed in on the music composer for the show - Siddhartha Khosla! I have seen his name in the credits of one of my favourite shows, This is us. I already enjoy the writing for that show and lately, I started paying attention to the music as well. I realized that the music for that show adds another poignant layer to my experience as a viewer. Now, I blame both the writing and the music for the tears I shed during every single episode.

Today, I Googled Siddhartha Khosla and found out that he was roommates with Dan Fogelman during their college years. It is wonderful that they met when they did and got to collaborate later on and make magic for one viewer named Momley.

I have collaborated with a few people in my own lifetime, but the one collaboration I look forward to may never materialize. I believe it would be delightful if I ever got to work with one or both of the boys.  Hans did express a desire to collaborate a couple of years ago. I guess it could happen.

Today as well as for the last two days, I have been reflecting on my life. The recent passing away of a young mom has deeply affected me. While I am trying to find meaning in my life, I am so glad I am still able to find wonder in the world that I exist in.

On that note, I am so grateful to Phoebe Waller-Bridge for having created, written and starred in one of the best television shows I had the pleasure of watching. Even at 45, I am glad I am able to find people who inspire me. Some of them are younger than me and the one I’d like to close with is my dad - he will be 70 in 2020 and he recently received an award for the 9^th record time. Apparently, that was one of his goals before his eventual retirement!
 

Remembering the Little Things

Last night, my mom hosted a big family dinner. ASid wondered if he could bring 6 friends along. It was asking for a lot; however, my mom couldn't say no to her first grandchild!

ASid showed up with half the number! There was one girl and two boys, and none of them were from ASid's maternal ethnic background. So I felt the need to introduce family members and friends, and also ensure that ASid's friends understood the many rituals around food - how to eat and what goes with what! At one point in time, ASid quietly snapped at me. Apparently, he was explaining as well and I was simply repeating info that was already shared. I got a bit defensive, but I let it go.

This morning, I received a text message from ASid. It was an apology for "snapping a little"! I accepted his apology and let him know that he demonstrated "an ability to reflect on his behaviour, acknowledge a mistake and seek forgiveness". Then, I thanked him for his note.

Life is short. The little things matter!

This morning, another mom I know passed away. A few weeks ago, I mentioned her in a post. This was an amazing mother who had been battling abdominal cancer for a few years. There were days I would run into her on the way to school - I would be with Hans and she would be with her daughter who is a couple of years younger than Hans. The last time I saw her was last month. When I saw her, I knew that she didn't have much time. I am glad I had whatever little time I had with her and I am glad I got to hug her one last time.

Fortunately, I got to do something small for her and her daughter a few days later. I couldn't have done it all alone. I had people help me and they were all glad to have contributed toward the small gesture. We all got to seize a moment and run with it!

ASid and Hans are almost always kind and considerate. Still, I don't ever want them to forget to do the little things that make a huge difference! Here are three … make time to call a friend, take time to apologize, and always appreciate the ones who care and accept you for who you are!
 

in the pink ...

2 days ago, I was at our neighbourhood Second Cup. I had just finished chatting with a group of neighbours for an upcoming feature article for the magazine I work for. As I left the coffee shop, I called home to find out if ASid wanted me to pick up anything from Metro.

Yes, the boy is home for the Thanksgiving weekend and yes, he had invited a bunch of his high school friends over for a reunion of sorts!

It so happened that ASid was on his way to Metro. I decided to wait for him and treat him to a caffeinated beverage and do some shopping. As the boy walked in, I introduced him to the group of people I was chatting with. One of them looked incredulously at the boy and asked him, "Is that really your mother?" ASid responded in the affirmative and spent some time answering some questions and then, we got a hot chocolate for him and proceeded to Metro.

On any given day, ASid looks nothing like me. These days, he is sporting pink hair and he looks nothing like me!

ASid is still the same young man who left home a few weeks ago. Fundamentally, he hasn't changed at all except for changing the colour of his hair. However, the hair does draw a lot of attention to the boy. My only concern is about his safety. I sincerely hope that it doesn't draw the wrong kind of attention. In fact, I shared my concern with ASid who assured me that it is more or less "normal" right now to dye hair in different colours. He also assured me that it is all in fun and nothing to worry about!

I am glad that we do live in a country that is considered a safe haven for people from all over the world. It is wonderful that we have a man of colour, who sports an unconventional "hair style", hoping to be the next Prime Minister of our country. Still, some of us are not ready for such a big change. Just as some parents got worried for my boy when his friends took pictures of him and shared with the parents. There were some apprehensions about his sexual orientation and his mental health!

Rest assured. ASid is mentally sound and working toward a 4.0 GPA. He also continues to be a "boring heterosexual".

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! As always, it is the best time to be Canadian!

 

A Better World

Meanwhile, in the world of Hans, it has been amazingly amazing!

Hans loves everything about middle school. He thinks his homeroom teacher is kind and reasonable. He believes his new classmates are interesting. He actually has about half a dozen friends already.

With this transition, Hans also expressed a wish to develop a good work ethic. To that end, he has been mindful about completing his homework as soon as he gets home. A couple of times, hockey practice delayed the completion of that set task. However, he has been on track so far!

For a boy, who hasn’t had a friend at school the last couple of years, this is a wonderfully friendly time in his life. Hans has found himself in a big way in more ways than one. He has created a unique style where he coordinates a cap, a hoodie and an accessory for a distinct look. This has not only made him popular with his classmates, but has also drawn some unwanted attention.

Last Friday, a Grade 8 boy grabbed Hans’ cap and put it on his own head. That drove Hans crazy and he proceeded to wash it immediately in the boys’ washroom. In the process, he got his clothes wet and realized that he couldn’t satisfactorily wash his cap. He stashed it away in a compartment in his school bag. As soon as I saw Hans, I knew something was wrong. When I asked him how he got water all over himself and his bag, his response was that he walked through a sprinkler system. I didn’t want to argue with him and let it go. That night, he finally pulled out the wet cap from his school bag and explained what happened. As usual, my first reaction was to tell the boy how disappointed I was in him. His response was that he didn’t tell me because he was afraid of precisely that kind of reaction from me. I had to sit him down and explain to him that if he had told me the truth the very first instance, I wouldn’t react the way I did!

I had to tell the boy that he stands out with his unique style. Some will admire him and some will be jealous of him. No matter what, he will encounter both pleasant and unpleasant people. I let him know that the next time someone takes his stuff, wears it and gives it back; he can bring it home and throw it in the wash. We can deal with it together. Also, if it is the same Grade 8 boy, he should let someone in the school office know.

I gave my son another sage advice. I told him that he could simply blend in with the rest and not draw attention to himself. I wasn’t sure how he would be on the Monday after a “safe” weekend at home. Hans did dress down a bit - wore a cap and a hoodie that were “normal” and did not include the accessory! It almost made me want to cry for him. On Tuesday, it was the same. Yesterday, Wednesday, he went back to his style.

Hans made his choice. He was not going to let his fear of a bully dictate how he dresses to school. Hans will be cool in the face of adversity.

That’s what makes his world amazingly amazing!

 

Random Stuff for a Special Day

Yesterday was the 14th of September. I wanted to post something funny, but couldn't get to it. It is a day later; however, it is not too late!

Here is a random collection of awe-s:

***

Following is ASid comparing the Switch Lite to the original Switch by drawing a parallel to Hans and him:

"It is like I love you, but I think I am far superior to you."

***

"Why are dads always villains?"

Hans asked Craigley as we watched a movie together.

"I don't know."

"That's why I will never have kids!"

***

251 Pokémon identified within 5 minutes 38 seconds

- by ASid on August 4th, 2019

***

"You think we should ping ASid once a month?"

"Are you serious?"

That was Craigley suggesting that we check in on our firstborn on a monthly basis. I let him know that I will call my child whenever I want to!

Part of Craigley's professional work involves him scheduling jobs. So, I will file the above suggestion under occupational hazard.

***

ASid shows up at an ungodly hour again ... for a second consecutive Saturday night/Sunday morning. He surprised us with his newly bleached hair.

Hans had this to say, "This is why I will never have kids!"

***

Today, ASid remarked that there are so many people on a university campus. Even though he figures he knows about a hundred of them, he doesn’t really know anyone at all.

I wanted to tell him that he needs to know only a couple of them who would want to know him and be there for him. Those will be the ones who will matter in his lifetime.

However, I did not want to give him another parental pep talk. And anyways, I am sure he will figure that one out!

***

I am glad I have my few friends. This is for you KPF! Hope you had a wonderful day yesterday and I wish you the best year yet!

 

Cough Syrup, Pain Reliever and Condoms

Last Tuesday morning, I invited my friends Y and P for a coffee after the first drop-off of the new school year. As we were chatting, I mentioned my Shopper’s trip with ASid. They were both a little shocked that I would buy condoms for my son as part of his care package! They both felt that I maybe encouraging him to indulge in an activity that involves using those condoms!

I reflected on the conversation quite a bit for the next couple of days. Both my friends did not question the purchase of other items including cough syrup and a pain reliever. Would those purchases signify that I wish for my child to come down with a cough or experience a headache? No! All the purchases were there to help the boy protect himself in some way!

Almost all my friends I see on a frequent basis have boys who are a year younger or a year older than Hans, or the same age as Hans. Perhaps it is challenging for them to look 6 to 8 years into the future.

I wonder about the conversations they will have with their boys when they get there …

***

Today, at 2:45 am, I was awoken by the sound of our front door closing. After that initial sound, I barely heard anything. I had terrible visions in my head from watching all the episodes of Criminal Minds. I decided to put those negative thoughts aside and grabbed my phone, and went down the stairs to investigate. After all, I can always call 9-1-1.

The front door was closed, but I noticed a pair of shoes that weren’t there before. Then, I knew what happened. I went back upstairs and knocked on ASid’s door. From inside, I heard a voice tell me to go back to sleep!

I had an unexpected and a welcome visitor. I couldn’t wait for breakfast and I barely slept after that.

It was wonderful listening to my child chat about his first week on campus. He made new friends and he loves his housemates. He also casually mentioned that the girls are sexually active. He said that they have been at it almost every night. Apparently, each night has been a party night. There has been a lot of drinking and a lot of “hooking up”! He said that the code they agreed on in his temporary abode is to let the other housemates know so they can put on their headphones and ignore all other sounds.

As a parent, it is a lot of information to digest. As much as I appreciated the open and honest conversation my son shared with me, I was also concerned for his emotional as well as sexual safety and wellbeing.

Before I said goodbye to him, I let him know that it is his life and he can choose to live it in whichever way suits him and works for him. However, I had to let him know that sleeping with someone should be meaningful and NOT a random act induced by alcohol, or something to be taken lightly. I hoped that he would at least get to know the individual before he makes the choice to sleep with her or him.

My child was slightly embarrassed again, but assured me that he would not rush into anything. He shared that one of his best friends had the same advice for him before he moved into residence.

I am so glad that youngsters have these conversations. I am also relieved that ASid is not under any peer pressure to partake in anything he is not comfortable with. And I am glad I included those condoms. When he is ready, he can protect both himself and his partner!

On that note, I hope he will also be ready to do his own laundry someday soon. He did bring his dirty laundry home. However, I was happy to take a load off him!

 

The Epic Drop-off!

Craigley and I have been parents for 18 years and counting. In that time, we did many pickups and drop-offs. Yesterday, we got to do our biggest drop-off yet!

ASid moved into residence yesterday.

For almost a week, ASid and I have been collaborating on all sorts of shopping sprees. My friends, Y and Kay, spent some time with the newly minted adult as well. They contributed as much as they could in their own fields of expertise - Yorkdale Mall and IKEA respectively. We wrapped up the multiple trips to various locations with a final stop at Shopper's Drugmart.

At Shopper's, we picked up all essential items from shampoo and bathroom tissue to a first aid kit and condoms. When I mentioned the last item, ASid was truly embarrassed; but I assured him that he should be well equipped for all sorts of emergencies. It is also quite possible that he could end up helping a friend in need.

The closest "friends" ASid has right now are his 2 housemates - a girl from Toronto and a girl from Vancouver. He met them for the first time yesterday although he has been communicating with them online, through various social networks, over the last couple of weeks.

ASid grew up with a younger brother, and mostly he didn't have to be too considerate with his "washroom etiquette". Now, he is in a totally unfamiliar territory with not one, but two girls! I can't wait to hear all about it. I did suggest that he be as gentlemanly as possible, and work out a washroom schedule with the girls.

I have full confidence that I raised ASid well.

The day before he moved out, I showed ASid how to clean a toilet. He was appreciative; however, he had this advice for me: "Please show Hans how to clean a toilet a little earlier than this." To which, I came back with my mom's classic response: "You have the rest of your life to clean toilets.” And continued with: “I hope you enjoyed your time as a child!"

ASid will make mistakes and he will learn from them. No one is perfect!

A few weeks ago, he told us that he would see us at Christmas. Yesterday, as I said goodbye to him, I knew that I will see him a few times before Christmas.

If anyone reading this is thinking of laundry as the main reason for ASid's visits home, I would beg to differ respectfully. The boy will come back home for several other reasons that have nothing to do with a washer and a dryer!

I will keep you posted for sure and you can read all about it here!

 

Inheritance

The night of August 22^nd, I couldn’t sleep. It was like everything had changed even though most everything felt the same!

Somewhere between 3 and 4 am, I decided to pen a song for ASid. Here it is:

I am not Kipling

I ain't no writer
I am not Polonius
I ain't no character

But I got the same advice

For your commencement

Grandpa's kind words

Grandma's good deeds
Your dad's blood
Your mom's sweat

Can't bank them

Can't stash them

Life ain't no race

Can't be a horse
Be a donkey son
Carry your share boy

At the end of the day

We all fall down
When you survive the night
Make it count

Live your life

Don't waste time
Death is waiting
For all of us

Grandpa's kind words

Grandma's good deeds
Your dad's blood
Your mom's sweat

Can't bank them

Can't stash them

Use them boy

They are your inheritance

 It is my fond hope that one day I will write a song that is good enough for someone to sing. That is one other bit of me I would like to leave behind.

 

Words are NOT enough

A friend of mine once called me a wordsmith. It is a nice compliment, but it realistically and simply means that I may be better at putting together two words than her other friends!

For the last few days, I have been struggling to write about an upcoming 18^th birthday. I am quite overwhelmed with emotion and can’t seem to find the right words to describe it all. It is true that we could be prepared for a moment; eventually get there, and realize that we are not really prepared for it!

ASid turns 18 tomorrow, Thursday, August 22^nd.

18 is the age of majority in Ontario and that means ASid will legally be considered an adult. It is amazing how overnight one goes from being a child to an adult!

On this momentous birthday, I want ASid to know that I am very gratified with the way he has turned out. He is most definitely not perfect, but who is?! He has been a great kid and I know he will be a wonderful adult. ASid is ready for the next chapter in his life and I can’t wait to find out what he does.

A very happy birthday baby boy!

I will miss our morning conversations. I will miss you gaming with your little brother. I will miss your friends walking in and out of our home. I will miss your emotional outbursts … maybe not that much!

As you adjust and adapt to campus life and being on your own, I will try to catch up on some of the sleep I have lost over the last 18 years. As you finally take some time to get to those prepaid driving lessons, I will try to get my own driving license. As you go forth and make your mark on the world, I will try to write the book you so badly want me to write.

Life is not a race. Take your time. You will probably get there, wherever you want to be, sooner than I do. And each time, I will be at that invisible crossing line … quietly cheering you on.

Level 4000

It may not seem like an achievement for most people, but I want to announce it here anyways!

I completed level 4000 of Candy Crush Saga at 11:30 pm on August 5th, 2019. I got a special message ("You did it!") and a reward (a bunch of specials) from the Candy Crush team who recently announced and celebrated the fact that they created level 5000!

I guess there is another milestone level to work towards and I am sure they are not stopping at 5000.

Yesterday was also my friend Maddy’s birthday. A while ago, she posted something about referring to birthdays as reaching levels - instead of saying “I am celebrating my 45^th birthday”, I could say that “I have reached level 45”!

Somehow that does make it sound like “I am getting better” instead of “I am getting older”.

The boys are aware of my little guilty pleasure. I believe it took me almost 3 years to get to this level. The first time I was at a 900+ level and then, I had to get a new phone. It was a bit sad to lose all those levels and I refused to restart from level 1 on the new phone. However, I needed something fun to do at the end of the day. Candy Crush can be frustrating; however I use it mostly for relaxing.

On that note, I do not want anyone to be concerned about my sanity. On a recent road trip, I did not play Candy Crush at all and I had no withdrawal symptoms whatsoever.

With my multiple jobs, there is no danger of an addiction. I still watch a movie in a few instalments. I am there for my family and friends. I meet or beat my deadlines. I do get out. I am mostly normal.

So, I hope people perceive reaching level 4000 as some sort of a crazy accomplishment and celebrate with me! Thank you!

 

Mourning a machine?!

When we moved from our condo to our townhouse almost 8 years ago, the one appliance we needed to purchase was a microwave. Condos included 6 appliances and townhouses only 5!

My mom decided to give us her old microwave as a temporary solution until we bought something that we liked. With so much happening with the move, my mom wanted to help in her own way. It made sense to not have to worry about one more thing!

Like most things in my home that stay put once placed on a flat surface, the old microwave did too! The machine was older than my marriage.

A couple of years ago, the part that we push to open the microwave door fell apart. Wisdom would predict that that was a good time to purchase a replacement; but laziness or resourcefulness, depending on perspective, dictated otherwise!

I found that I could put my finger into the empty space, that was left after the particular part broke, and push this little metal “spring like something” to open the door. So, if the microwave is still functional, why make the effort to replace it?!

For a couple of years, the setup drove almost everyone crazy. The boys and I, on the other hand, got mighty comfortable with where exactly to put a finger in and what exactly to push! Craigley did not protest much and was strangely supportive!

For my birthday, 2 days ago, my brother surprised me with a new microwave. Yesterday, he came by and made the switch. He didn't trust me enough to actually make the switch. For all he knew and he knows his sister only too well, the box would have remained unopened indefinitely.

So, I have a well-reviewed and spanking new microwave sitting on my kitchen counter. It will take some time getting used to this new machine.

Perhaps my brother sensed this weird sense of loss in me, he assured me that he had to replace my microwave because his wife was afraid that one day her finger would be zapped by the unknown metal piece somewhere deep in the dark gaping space where there used to be a safe plastic “pushy thingy”! Bambino needed to deal with his wife's mortal fear and ensure future visits to my home were met with appropriate standards of safety and sanity.

I guess I took a bullet for the team, but I am allowed to mourn my machine!

 

Special Mention

As I age, I am developing this tendency to scrutinize my relationships. I may also be developing a bit of paranoia about some people in my life.

This post is not a negative one though, it is super positive. It is about someone I have known for a while, but rediscovered in the last few months. I actually mentioned this person in a couple of posts; however, this is a special mention!

I am going to name this person JeTi. We met when her daughter and Hans started in Junior Kindergarten. JeTi made her first appearance in my post about Hans’ crisis with peeing or rather not peeing at school. She made a couple of other appearances; most notably in a post about my fears about the boys and who they would be in the future. JeTi has always taken the time to send me a kind note about the boys if she ever ran into them by chance.

When I met JeTi, she was wrapping up her PhD and eventually, she got a job with SickKids and got busy. Even when she was preoccupied with her work, she encouraged me to do something for myself. With her help, I actually started some adult English conversational lessons for new immigrants in our neighbourhood. Although it didn’t last long, it gave me an opportunity to get to know some neighbours and hone my teaching skills. That experience definitely contributed to my recent procuring of my current job with the Toronto District School Board.

2 days ago, I received a Thank You note in the mail from JeTi. The note came with a beautiful bookmark. The note thanked me for my support at Hans’ school and hoped that JeTi and I could be friends even after the kids stop studying together.

If I was as thoughtful as JeTi, I would have thought of a handwritten Thank You note way before she did!  Maybe I am not; so I am writing this blog post as belated reciprocation!

 

Last school year, we ended up “working together” as classroom parents and organizing the graduation party for our children. JeTi did the bulk of the work and I was her backup. As we finished the school year, I realized that I found a kindred spirit. Of all the parents I worked with at Hans’ school, I found JeTi to be most like me. Some could label us stupid and others could elevate us to selfless beings. It doesn’t matter what people think, it is how we function regardless of all the thinking!

I am glad I was able to reconnect with JeTi. I hope we are able to be friends for a very long time. As I age, I need to surround myself with people who actually care and take the time to show they care.

Recently, the boys indulged me by watching one of my favourite movies, My Fair Lady, with me. One of the songs I quite enjoy from that movie is “Show Me”. Sure the song is about expectations in love, but why must there be fewer expectations for other relationships in life?! So, I would like to share a few lyrics here as a conclusion to this post.  

Sing me no song! Read me no rhyme!
Don't waste my time, Show me!
…
Don't wait until wrinkles and lines
Pop out all over my brow,
Show me now!

That false feeling of permanence!

At one point in time, not so long ago, most everything I did outside of my home was voluntary work or unpaid work! There is quite the list, but I will focus on one of the free services I still provide to my friends and neighbours. It is taking care of their abodes when they are away. People seem to trust me with their plants, mail, cars and houses; they hand me the keys to their most valuable assets and go away on vacations.

A few months ago, when my parents were planning their vacation, they wondered if I could take care of their home?! Since I am their daughter, the request was normal. Since I do not drive, the request was a little strange. I have actually walked from my home to my parents' home with Hans on a warm summer day and it took us 55 minutes including a pit stop at Tim Horton's. And that was one way. I could take the TTC, but that is crazy. My parents did not want to bother my brother and they ended up "outsourcing". It worked out well and left me with very little guilt to deal with.

The above anecdote just serves to show that I am NOT able to help everyone in my life. And I do deal with guilt on occasion.

So, why am I focusing on this particular free service I still provide to my friends and neighbours? I am not sure, but it certainly felt like something to ponder on!

My house is probably one of the messiest homes in my neighbourhood. By messy, I do not mean dirty; by messy, I mean that everything is everywhere - mostly mail, paper and toys. Stuff seems to make appearance and stay. As mentioned in an earlier post, no flat surface is spared! Also, I am known from a certain Craigley's perspective as “The Plant Killer". No plant's life has been spared once it made an entrance into my home! And on top of all that, I do not drive.

Given the facts just shared … I collect mail for my neighbours and sort it nicely into various categories. I water their plants diligently and their plants somehow thrive better than in their care. I take pictures of any flowers that bloom in their absence and share those pictures with them so they are happy to know their plants are alive and well. I start their cars' engines, and let them run for a few minutes; make sure they are functional upon their return!

It is amazing how I am able to do things for others that I am unable to do or refuse to do or too lazy to do for myself!

I am a disturbing and frustrating dilemma in a way and that is not exactly a romantic notion by any means. It is a bit tragic. In 4 days’ time, I will be 45. If it is true that Canadians have an average life expectancy of about 81 years; then, I am more than half way through my life. Apparently, in the "mother land", the life expectancy is about 68; that means I am at almost three quarters of my life. Whichever way I measure it, my life is definitely finite. It is time to make some changes. I need to put a little bit of effort into my life and make it as nice as I make it for others.

Perhaps the feeling of temporariness is easier to deal with than the weight of permanence?! But then life itself is temporary. Does that mean I will be wiser than ever with this newfound knowledge gained from this profound reflection?! Time will tell.
 

Two Graduations and a Few Reflections

ASid realized this school year that the plans he makes for himself are not necessarily the ones he needs to follow.

Engineering has always seemed like his ultimate goal; however, he was disenchanted with both Physics and Chemistry in Grades 11 and 12. They didn't engage him like programming and coding did. So, after an intense conflict he felt within himself for a bit, ASid was finally able to articulate that Computer Science is definitely a better fit for him.

At that same age, I let my dad know that I am not cut out for Engineering. I was afraid my dad would be disappointed in me. However, he was super supportive. I hope ASid feels the same way about his parent - that I support him and there is absolutely nothing to be disappointed about! My beautiful baby boy is off to University of Toronto for Computer Science.

Today was ASid's graduation. He was mentioned twice under Special Awards. He got a couple of certificates in a program called FIT, Focus on Information Technology, from The Information and Communications Technology Council (ICTC). Apparently, it shows a student's commitment and interest in the Information Technology field. I guess ASid was kinda prepping for his future when he worked on this certification.

This week, Hans also had a graduation ceremony. He graduated from his elementary school and is off to middle school in September. He is mighty excited about it. At the ceremony, each student was described in a few words. The words used to describe Hans were "kind, happy and a great friend". That was the only time in both the graduation ceremonies where my eyes got moist and I had an emotional moment. This is my other beautiful baby boy and he was perfectly captured in those 6 words!

Hans will feel like an only child soon and will need some friends who can appreciate him for who he is …

ASid is moving out at the end of August and he is looking forward to independence and life on campus. And I am so happy for the boy. When I held him for the first time in my arms, I knew I would have 18 years with him and then, I would have to let him go. My time's up! He will be 18 on August 22nd and a few days later, he will start a new life!

I thought I would be sad, but I am not. I feel wonderful. I feel like I have floated to one finish line with one child. One down and one to go!

We made it boys. We have a few milestones under our collective belts! We have a few more finish lines to cross! The journey is not complete, but we will get there together.

 

The Gift

Today, I walked into a meeting at Hans' school looking for an update on a hot topic and was pleasantly surprised to find out that the "meeting" was really my surprise farewell celebration! At this gathering, I was given a gift. I have mixed feelings about this gift. I am being told I am not being gracious and what not! However, I am allowed to feel the way I feel.

Since I have contributed my time over a period of 7 school years, someone on the School Council decided it was OK to spend some Council funds on a gift for me to show everyone's appreciation for everything I have done! And this crazy request was approved. This is the part I am not comfortable with!

If a bunch of people, who actually care about me, pooled in the money and got a gift - I would have been truly grateful.

A friend described it as a payment for my services. That upset me even more! I did not spend hours at Hans' school expecting a payment! In fact, equating the gift to a payment is an insult of sorts.

For some reason, nobody seems to understand why I am feeling the way I am feeling. And that's OK. I just don't want people to judge me for the way I am feeling and call me ungrateful.

On a positive note, I got an incredibly thoughtful card from this parent who was diagnosed with abdominal cancer a couple of years ago. She still undergoes chemotherapy and looks quite worn out on some days. She took the time to find this perfect card and write a sweet note. Her card, I will cherish forever and read once in a while to remind me that I made a difference in one person's life.

Life is too short to continue to look a gift horse in the mouth. By the way, the gift is an insanely expensive pen and I will use it. Luckily, it is a perfectly practical gift for me … in spite of the way it makes me feel!

 

Dads

My mom's dad passed away when she was 3 years old. She didn't really think about how different life would have been if her dad had been there for her when she was growing up! That thought only entered her head when she saw her own children growing up with their dad.

A few years ago, my mom had the courage to admit that she was jealous of her own children because they have a dad and she does not even have a single memory of her own dad. My mom is never tired of reminding my brother and me how lucky we are to have a dad like ours.

Yes, I am very lucky.

So, why am I writing about this now? Because tomorrow is Father’s Day and something unexpectedly happened to someone I met only a few days ago for me to reflect about my life with my dad and my mom’s without hers!

Last month, I finally agreed to take on a new student although I felt constrained by time. This little girl is in grade 2 and came highly recommended. Since I do a diagnostic assessment before I take on a student, I set up a time to meet with the girl and her mother. Since the mother is what we call an ELL, English Language Learner, there was a bit of communication gap. She showed up with all 3 of her children; 2 of whom are younger than the girl in grade 2.

I set up the younger children with some paper and markers so they could keep themselves occupied while I spent time with their mother and older sister. Once the assessment was done, the mother and I noticed that the children had coloured their hands as well as my floor with some permanent markers. They found Hans' bag of art supplies and helped themselves to some! I might have been visibly upset since my floor was ruined. The mother looked at me puzzled as I explained to her that the markers I gave them were washable and somehow they ended up with the permanent ones!

The following week, the mother sent a note about being unable to attend the tutoring session. Same thing transpired the next couple of weeks. I became both frustrated and worried. Frustrated because I really don't have the time and I made some time for this student. Worried because I thought I offended the mother in some way by my reaction to the art work her children left on my floor!

Another week and I felt like I needed to know what was happening. I asked the person who recommended the student, and she revealed that the family is going through something and she is not comfortable talking about their private matters.

Then I got a note from the mother. Her daughter is very much interested in starting tutoring sessions with me; however, her husband was in an accident and "he is not with them now". I was quite shocked and didn't know how to interpret it - is he in a hospital or has he passed away?

The sad news is that the husband of this woman and the father of her children did die in the accident. She was trying to take care of everything while wondering how she was going to support her 3 young children.

2 days ago, I had my first tutoring session with the little girl. She is very bright. When her mother came to pick her up, she mentioned that her daughter kept asking about her lessons with me. I let the mother know that I will give her free lessons this month, and if her daughter really enjoys them, we can talk payment in September when school resumes!

Giving a couple of free lessons to a child, who lost her father recently, does not make me a humanitarian of sorts! Not at all! If anything, I hope the mother knows that she has support and she is not alone.

I finally understand why my mom feels jealous of my brother and me on occasion. I cannot imagine my world without my dad. And I feel so very sad for this little girl and for my mom and for all those children who can't hug their dads and celebrate with them.

Noteworthy Remarks: Not all dads are kind and not all of them are cruel. Forgive some dads and remember others. Honour a dad, any dad, who has made a difference. Let him know how special he is. Happy Father’s Day … every day!
 

The Unofficial Job

In the last 7 school years, if I wasn't home, I was at Hans' school. Actually, in the last 5 months, if I wasn't home, I was actually at work or wherever work took me. So, technically, I wasn't at Hans' school; however, his school took over whatever time I had left after doing my 4 jobs.

I am not a Co-Chair, but felt a sense of responsibility. I am not a Classroom Parent, but felt the need to support a parent who stepped up and took on that role! I need not care about what happens to Hans' school after he is done, but how can I abandon what felt like a second home to me for the last few years?

So, I helped everyone who took on a role or a responsibility. The Fun Fair wrapped up a couple of days ago. So much was the same and so much was just not quite right! But it didn't matter. Families showed up and families had fun.

Last 3 weeks of the school year and only 14 more school days to go! I have just a bit more left to do with my unofficial job.

At the Fun Fair, a parent told the Principal that I did 90% of the work at Hans' school and that they would have to pay me to come back! I believe this parent was grossly exaggerating. What I do believe is that I care 100% about Hans' school and I have never attached a price or a percentage value to the work I have done there!

It will be very sad saying goodbye in a few days' time to this unofficial job. On a positive note, I will have some much needed free time! I just have to figure out what I am going to do with it!

 

The number six

As of now, I have 6 published feature articles, 6 functional teeth and a Fun Fair coming up on the 6th day of the 6th month of this year!

It is not really the number that has me preoccupied, it is everything else. Just trying to find some common thread between all the busy stuff in my life!

It is only a local magazine with a readership of 3000 households; however I feel like I have achieved a milestone of sorts with 6 feature articles under my belt. It has been a wonderful learning experience. The best part has been this one particular reader who doesn't receive the magazine and gets it specially delivered by her daughter. My mom has my one and only copy of each issue. I know for a certainty that she has actually read all 6 of them. My mom has been the toughest on me all through my life and she is also been the most proud of each and every feature I have written. For all that she has done for me, I am happy to reciprocate in a small way.

If there is pleasure in life, it needs to be balanced out with some pain.

So, here comes the sob story part of this post! Last week, I had the second part of my dental surgery done and it left me with 6 functional teeth tucked away in the right side corner of my mouth - 3 on the top and 3 on the bottom. Eating has been a miserable activity. This is one life lesson I will not forget too soon. Most likely, Hans will need braces and I already feel the pain he will feel. However, the pain will be Hans' and I hope I can adequately support the boy.

And that's mostly what I have been doing lately … supporting people. After hosting the Fun Fair twice with my then friend G, I had to take a backseat this time around. It is Hans' last year at his public school and I want to support all succession planning. It has been a frustrating couple of weeks. I got to learn that I am a better doer than an enabler. There have been days I wanted to tell the current Fun Fair team to step aside and let me do it! There has been a crazy amount of hand holding and spoon feeding. I am learning to breathe and let go.

The 6th day of the 6th month is not just the Fun Fair; it is also my dad's 69th birthday. I need to put that in perspective. This is a man who has always made me feel like a million bucks. So, on that day, I will enjoy the Fun Fair, thank the new team for a job well done and go celebrate my dad.

I will write 6 or more features in the future and I will have a fully functional mouth next week. The pleasure and the pain will continue their intertwined and complex appearances in my life. It will all be temporary each and every time.

"six six six is the number of the beast" are the lyrics from an Iron Maiden song my brother listened to all the time as a teen. Sometimes, we would equate that to my dad as he was born on the 6th of June, 1950. Not everyone will understand why! But the man is far from any such connotation. Life is actually a beast and it is wonderful to experience its inherent beauty through people like my dad.
 

2 days to 22 and the 11th!

Hans will be 11 on the 22nd! In September, he will be in middle school. Within the proverbial blink of an eye, he has become a "big boy"!

Hans is definitely at a better place in his life. Although he still does not quite have a friend at school, he has been engaged in various activities and been mostly positive.

What has he done since he turned 10?!

Hans was in House League Hockey for a third straight season. His confidence improved tremendously. He tried out for Select League and will be an alternate player next season. Craigley was concerned that the boy may be dejected by an offer to be an alternate player; however, Hans reacted with the following:

“Baby steps mom! And I am getting a jersey with my name on it!”

Ash 22 has arrived! 

Hans goes by Ash now. That's his chosen moniker for himself. Even Craigley has started using it.

What else has the boy done?!

He is completing his 7th year of Art lessons. He had this to say about Michaels the other day:

“I found my new Toys R Us!”

The boy is growing up in more ways than one. Recently, one of ASid's friends tried to enlighten the boy about the benefits of working hard. Hans casually brushed him off by saying that, “It’s OK! I am average!".

The boy is anything but average. He is acutely aware of the world around him. He knows his strengths and weaknesses. He is very accommodating of his loved ones. People take advantage of him and he is OK with that!

My brother remarked more than once that Hans reminds him of me. And I consider that a compliment to me!

For his birthday, Hans requested a dinner, a movie and a sleepover with Kay's son. Kay is my "new" friend from the paternal ancestral land. The boys had a fun time. Today, I am recovering from it all!

2 days from today, Hans will be 11. Can't wait to find out what he does this upcoming year! Meanwhile, my fond wish for Hans is to find a friend who will appreciate him and cherish him. Middle school is a crazy place and it would be wonderful to have a pal to help Hans navigate through it.