My Favourite Person

A while ago, I wrote about the impossibility of a favourite child. In the same vein, there is no singular favourite person. Depending on the time, it could be anyone. And it could be someone else when The Times They Are a-Changin'! (Had to do the Bob Dylan thing as I recently watched the movie and was inspired by each singer/song writer featured in it.)

Right now, my favourite person is Hans. Maybe I spend a lot of time with him. Well, it has been just him and me for 2 years and 2 months. So, it is quite natural, I guess.

In our time spent together, we have had very few intensely emotional moments where we were a little unkind to each other. In those moments, I had to remind myself that Hans is a teenage boy who lost his home and family and had to adapt and adjust to a new reality. Well, some could say that he is not the only one who has been through such an ordeal. And yet, his experience shouldn’t be trivialized by stating that it is simply one of many such experiences. The boy has shown extraordinary maturity in dealing with his circumstances. I am beyond proud of him.

Recently, Hans had been craving steak. I am mostly vegetarian, and Hans wouldn’t enjoy eating meat with me. He hoped that his dad would take him out for a steak dinner. Hans spent 3 days of his winter break with Craigley. Last night was the 3^rd time. As always, this morning, I asked Hans what he had for dinner last night. He said that he had steak, and I was happy for him. A few minutes later, I received a call from ASid. He was like ‘did Hans tell you what happened last night?’. So, I found out that Craigley sprang his girlfriend on the boys. ASid met her a couple of times, but Hans did not want to meet her. Nothing against the lady! She is probably a wonderful human being; however, Hans did not want to meet her. I believe Craigley should have respected that!

I asked Hans why he didn’t tell me that he had the steak dinner with his dad’s girlfriend. His simple response was that he didn’t want me to be upset and that it wasn’t that important. I told him that I wouldn’t be upset and that he could tell me anything. Then, I let him be. I was glad that ASid was with Hans when it happened. I wanted to call Craigley to have a discussion, but that would have been pointless.

In a way, that awkward moment is out of Hans’ way now. He doesn’t have to worry about it anymore. That was a source of anxiety for him, and hopefully it is not any longer.

As we get ready to welcome a new year, I hope Hans can see how bright the future is, and I hope he doesn’t let the follies of others cloud his vision.

Believers and Supporters

About 7 years ago, I wrote a post about my Dad. I went back and read it, and I still stand by each word I wrote about him.

I guess it is natural for family and friends to believe in us and support us. However, it comes as a complete surprise when perfect strangers root for us. So, I want to give a shout out to Richard. And this is perhaps only the 2^nd time that I have mentioned someone by their real name! 

Richard is a local school principal. At the beginning of each school year, I would send him an email asking him to consider me for occasional teaching opportunities and then, almost always never showed up for various reasons. Then, I finally showed up in January 2023, after a battered and bruised battle with 2022. My mind was not quite there, but I needed to get out and be the professional I needed to be. Richard welcomed me and tried to provide me with as many supply teaching days as he could. I felt bad as there was already a regular supply teacher at this school, and it was a small school. Richard told me to let the teachers know about my availability and let them decide if they wanted me to cover for them. He told me to NOT overthink it.

In 2 strange twists, the regular supply teacher had to take some time off for personal reasons, and then, a teacher fell and had to go on medical leave. I ended up covering for teachers for 3 months and got a 2-month gig at the end of the school year. Richard let me know that he would be my reference for any future jobs.

Richard was not only my reference for a few jobs I applied to, but he also recommended me to the principal who eventually gave me my current 3-year contract position. This was the job that I didn’t know existed and I never applied to it. Thanks to Richard for bringing the job to my attention and bringing me to the principal’s attention.

Recently, I had my 1^st TPA (Teacher Performance Appraisal) as a new teacher, and my biggest concern was to not let Richard down! When I got my feedback, I messaged Richard right away. He responded with “Momley, you could never disappoint me.”. (Obviously, he doesn’t call me ‘Momley’!)

Thanks to Richard and to all the believers and supporters in my life. I couldn’t have done it without all of you! I finally have my own classroom, and it is a dream come true!

The Defence Lawyer

Craigley ‘accused’ me of being ASid’s defence lawyer several times in the last 23 years. I believe I took on that role as ASid was, at one point, a defenceless child against Craigley’s tyranny or what I perceived as tyranny. Someone could call it Craigley being the strict parent or Craigley showing tough love. As I have often mentioned here before, it is all in the perspective.

Anyways, this post is not about Craigley; it is about me being ASid’s defence lawyer.

In the last 5 years, a few people other than Craigley have passed judgement calls about ASid. As they say, everyone is entitled to their judgement. Fair enough.

Without going into gore details, I will simply say that when a child is privileged, they will take for granted some of their privileges. Such is the case with ASid. His maternal grandfather is an enabler. He is also ASid’s ‘landlord’. My father gets a kick out of ASid living his life. To go back to yesterday’s post, ASid has done the opposite of what Smoggie did. ASid went shopping for colourful clothes before he paid off his debt to his grandfather; but he did pay off his debt after the shopping spree.

And in ASid’s defence, that debt was between him and his grandfather. It is nobody else’s business.

They say that Gen Z is different from Gen X. I can ‘see’ it. Smoggie and I come from a time where we worked like crazy in our first jobs. Work ethic meant something. We were always trying to prove our worth. ASid is confident and sometimes even a little overconfident about his self-worth. It scares me, this overconfidence. But I also admire it in a way. I wish I could be a brat. But I am not. While I am not, I will not judge my child for doing things differently from me.

So long as he pays off his debts, he is okay in my books.

Stories Worth Repeating

2024 is almost done. 4 more days to go, if I count today.

This has been a good year for the boys and me. I have no complaints. I also have nothing new to share with the boys, but I felt like sharing something I already wrote almost 7 years ago. I brought it up with ASid yesterday. I wasn’t lecturing him in any way, I was simply letting him know about certain stories that have left an impact on me

This one is the one about Smoggie and his ‘white shirts and khaki pants’. That’s all he wore, like a uniform, until he paid off his debt to his mother. For some reason, I didn’t mention his mother in that post. Perhaps I was protecting her privacy then, and now I bring her up in solidarity with all the mothers who quietly support their children and are happy to be in the background. I guess I have no right to put myself in the same category as them since I loudly proclaim everything I do for my children on this platform. Loud or quiet, mothers make an impact on their children’s lives.

For the last 2 years, I have been the main parent in the boys’ lives while Craigley makes guest appearances. While he is present, he puts on quite the show and indulges them with all things they love. All of this frustrates me, and lately, Hans has been hiding his exploits with his dad. When I found out, it made me sad. I realized that I had become that person.

Fathers make an impact on their children’s lives too - good or bad. Hans needed to know that it is okay for him to love his dad. It is perfectly alright to create happy memories with the other parent. Just because we are not together does not mean that the children can’t have the best of both the worlds.

I believe this post is mainly about me coming to terms with the fact that, absent or present, the boys have 2 parents. Also, Craigley and I are not the only role models in their lives. The boys are surrounded by amazing people who have stories to inspire them for the rest of their lives.

Stories worth repeating.

The Games We Play, and The Connections We Make … or Break!

There are moments in your life when you know things are not going to be the same again. For Hans, this happened (again) recently.

Christmas Eve, we used to gather at my parents’ home, and then later, we used to gather at our home, and since the separation, we went back to gathering at my parents’ home. Hans and I were there 2 days ago, and so were ASid and his girlfriend, with the rest of our family and family friends. On the 24^th, we play the game of Sneaky Santa where presents are opened and presents are stolen, and there are highs and lows, and general pandemonium. This year, the coveted present was a box of Pokémon cards in a sweet collectible tin.

The moment where Hans registered that his brother was no longer his was the moment ASid ‘stole’ the tin of cards from Hans to give his lady love. That moment was also not lost on me. And I decided to steal that tin from my firstborn for my lastborn. It was just a game, but for a moment it became all about life. I had to let Hans know that his mother was still alive and well, and in his corner. Emotions were riding the proverbial rollercoaster. Eventually, the tin ended up with Hans.

Yesterday, Hans was worried that he may have hurt his cousin’s feelings over the quest for this tin. I told him not to worry. My nephew has my brother in his corner. He will be okay. And at the end of the day, Hans also has ASid in his corner.

It feels like we have lost our loved ones when they find their loves. That feeling, fortunately, is momentary. At the risk of coming across as cheesy on a Boxing Day, I will end by writing that we are simply expanding our universe of love. We can make a new connection or risk breaking an existing one simply because of a moment where we think we have lost a loved one to someone else.

Hans not only has his tin, but he also has another person in his life now who will eventually love him like a brother. 

Happy Days are Here … Again!

I am just not talking about the Winter Break, although I am happy that I have 2 weeks off. Work has kept me incredibly busy. I could write a chapter book on it, but I want to keep this post short and sweet.

I am here to make another announcement about another job!

ASid has procured his 1^st full-time job and has been busy since December 16^th. It is a proud moment for a parent. At 23, ASid has accomplished what some young people say is difficult do - find a job in Toronto! I don’t know if this is true, but it looks good on my kid. I will take this ‘win’.

The last 2 years have been an adjustment for the boys, and it is wonderful to know that they kept going and doing what they needed to do. 2 days ago, Hans wondered if it’s okay if he goes to college instead of university. He said that it doesn’t matter to him what other people think, and I told him that it doesn’t matter to me too.

I am not sure why we have set up this illusion that university is better than college.

I am glad that Hans has no such delusions. Happy days are indeed here. Happy holidays everyone!

It is just a job!

After my last interview failed to materialize into a job offer, I decided to simply continue to be a supply teacher. Then unexpectedly a principal reached out to me to apply for a job posting at her school. She got my name from a principal who was kind enough to get my permission to share my contact info with her. So, I applied for the job on Thursday. I had the interview on Friday, and I got the job offer on Monday. My first day of work was 2 days ago. I have a 3-year contract position at this small school in Scarborough.

After almost 6 years of supply teaching with a few short-term teaching assignments thrown in there, this is big. It is big because the last time I had something like this was 23 years ago, and on some days, it felt like I would never get it back. Now, even when I have what I thought of as elusive, all I can think of is that nothing has changed. I will still be showing up for work like I usually do, I will just get paid on a consistent basis.

All the introspection made me think of what Smoggie told me once - it is just a job! In some ways, it is. I am replaceable. However, most days, I feel indispensable. And I guess, that’s how we get through life … at least some of us! If we don’t feel somewhat important about what we do, then what’s it all about?

While I continue to mull over my ‘new’ job and give myself undue value, I can’t help but think of all the people who have supported me in getting to this point. I am so thankful to have them in my life. They know who they are. Happy Thanksgiving to them and to everyone.

There will be good days.

Three Free Meals

A while ago, I was at a restaurant for some take-out and saw a young man in the corner. He was simply standing there. It didn't seem like he was buying food. So, I asked the cashier if I could buy a meal for the young man. The cashier said that he would provide a meal for the young man at the end of the day. So, I asked the young man directly if he wanted a meal. He nodded affirmatively. I let him choose what he wanted and paid for it. He was very appreciative and started eating right away. When I got home, and narrated the incident to Hans, he exclaimed, "Mom, you saved his life!". I responded with, "I bought him one meal of his life.". That was what it was.

A few weeks later, I was getting out of a subway station and ran into a man. This man wondered if I could buy him a sandwich as he was hungry and he had just enough money to buy a bus ticket. I thought why not! I had $15, but the sandwich and a drink cost more. I ended up using my debit card. The man thanked me and as I was leaving, he said, "I need $15 for my bus ticket.". I was a little dismayed, and literally ran out of the shop. The man tried to follow, and I told him to not forget his drink. He ran back for his drink, and I escaped. That was a little scary.

Today, I was at the Court House for Jury Duty. At lunch, we were told we could leave the room and even the building. I decided to check out the cafeteria in the basement and stay within the building. As I got to the entrance to the cafe, a man came out and wondered if I could buy him a sandwich. He was one of the potential jurors and looked rather raggedy. I guess I have a need to buy food/sandwiches for random men! So, I bought him what he wanted - a cheeseburger. I had to endure some conversation while we waited for the burger to be made and for me to make the payment. The man said he would want to pay me back tomorrow. I was like it is okay as I do not want to be back tomorrow. This man was hoping to get selected as he is unemployed, and he would like the $40 they pay starting on the 11th day of Jury Duty.

I had time today and wanted to capture the three moments. They reflect the human condition in a heartbreaking way. So, will I ignore or walk away next time? I don't know.

 

Follow-up: The last random man got selected for the jury. It is a 2-week criminal trial, and he will get his $40 payday. I am happy for him. I requested to be excused, and I was! I am happy for me.

Been There on That Road!

Since my separation from their dad, both the boys feel extra protective about me. They have said ridiculous statements such as they would take care of me, and I would never have to work. And, that they would build a library for me - not sure if it is a room or a building?! They want me to get back to leisurely reading that I used to enjoy so much and don’t do so anymore.

When making such proclamations, they seem very united. Then, they have opposing views regarding the path their mom gets to choose, moving forward!

ASid is all for his mom meeting someone suitable and starting life fresh. Hans is all about his mom NOT meeting anyone ever! I guess it makes sense. ASid is 23 and independent. Hans is 16 and still quite dependent. Their dad has moved out and moved on. Hans feels the abandonment more so than ASid. If their mom moves on with someone else, where does that leave Hans?!

Luckily, for the boy, he is his mom's priority and reason to be. Also, his mom is happy where she is.

As I am writing this post, I have gone from 1st person to 3rd person and back to 1st person. I feel like that in life too. There is me and there is the mom; but fortunately, we consult with each other. And I realized that the mom is a far superior being than me. On any given day, she has her head on straight. I believe the choices the mom makes work for me too. I am happy where I am.

Change in Perspective

A few days ago, I had an engaging conversation with my father and my brother. I went back in time to when I was 8 and my brother was 6. That was when my parents left us with my paternal grandfather and paternal aunt, for an entire school year. Those days, my father had a transferable job that kept him moving from place to place, every few months. It was one of those unfortunate times where there wasn’t a suitable school where he was posted, and thus the decision, for us children, to stay in the city with my grandpa.

I did mention a memory from that time.

My aunt was separated from her then husband, and she lived with her father who was paralyzed on his left side from a heart attack. She cooked for him and took care of him. And then, she got saddled with us! She was tough on us. She had my brother running errands for her, and that upset me a lot. I made it my mission to defy her anytime she asked me to do anything. I think I despised her.

I didn’t think of her much. She passed away a few years ago. However, ageing parents, who casually and occasionally bring up their mortality, have me revisiting certain moments in time. Now, I think of my paternal aunt sporadically. I feel guilt at times for not being nice to her. I feel thankful that she took care of my grandpa with such steadfastness.

I am not sure who took care of her through her last days …

Whatever the fleeting regrets, I am glad that I can look back and appreciate people for who they are/were.

I don’t do this often, but here is a poem I’d like to share. It was written by D.H. Lawrence.

Self-Pity

I never saw a wild thing

sorry for itself.

A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough

without ever having felt sorry for itself.

Since self-pity seems to be the theme of my days recently. This is another poignant reminder that life is too short.

Passing Pity Parties

Today, Hans and I had an intense conversation at dinner. He spoke about how ASid had it ‘good’ when he was in high school. ASid could invite his friends to our home and our home was big enough, at that time, so he also had some privacy. Hans didn’t think he has that privilege or that privacy. Hans and I have been living in an apartment since we sold our townhouse. Our former home had 3 levels and 3 washrooms. Now, we have 1 level and 1 washroom.

I tried to humour Hans by sharing a scene from one of my childhood movies. In that movie, there are 2 brothers who are upset with each other - one is a criminal and the other is a cop. The criminal shouts about how much wealth he has, and the cop responds calmly by stating that he has their mom! The point, obviously, is that the mom is more than all the wealth in the world. Hans wanted to know why I shared that story. I was like ‘hey, you have me’. To which he promptly responded, “Can you do my homework for me? Can you study for my math test?”.

I think Hans was being very practical. And I realized that I should let him have his pity party. I wallow in self-pity once in a while. Why shouldn’t he?

After dinner, we went grocery shopping. For a few minutes, we got busy and distracted. Later, as we walked home, Hans said that if he is unhappy about something, it doesn’t automatically translate to him being mean to me. It is not about me. It is about him. I acknowledged that he is right, and he is allowed to feel all the feelings he feels.

I think both the boy and me try to be happy all the time, for the sake of each other. Today, I realized that we need to throw some pity parties and invite each other. And as Hans said, “It is okay to be down, but not for too long!”. 

The Third Time is not always The Charm!

I received 2 email messages today. I will dwell on the 2^nd one first. This was an email from a principal of a middle school. I am sharing an excerpt below:

I received your name from a colleague who interviewed you and mentioned that you were an excellent candidate and still looking for a position. At the last minute, an opening has become available in our Grade 8 class, and I wanted to reach out to see if you would be interested.

So, that was a subtle note to say that I did not get the job that I interviewed for yesterday! So, the third time was a bust as well!

It’s alright.

Now, I will focus on the 1^st email I received today. I wasn’t the recipient exactly. ASid responded to Bambino and CC’d me on it. This is what he had to say about his mother:

I hope I have … my Mom's patience to deal with rejection, and to pick myself back up.

At least, I am being somewhat of a role model to my child with the way I am dealing with all the rejections. ASid is interviewing for jobs as well. And I like what he had to say about his experiences in general.

I've come to wish for many things, and also, not achieve everything.

How profound for a young man his age! Obviously, I am biased. But his words reminded me of what he told me, when he got home, after his first day of high school.

There are others who are smarter than me.

I knew, that day, that my boy was on his way. Today, I may have lost another job opportunity; however, I am bursting with joy and pride. The future looks bright.

The Third Time!!!

Today, I interviewed for a job. I interviewed for the same job, at a different school, in 2021. I did not get the job. I was too inexperienced. I had less than 100 days of supply teaching, and one online teaching experience. This was a job posting for an ASD classroom. So, I went and got some experience. I applied for the same job, at another school, in 2023. I did not get the job. I also did not get any feedback! So, I went and got qualified with a course that is about communication needs of students with ASD. Last Friday, I applied for the job once again, at yet another school. Today, I interviewed for that job.

The toughest question was - how do you get your students to think? That got me thinking. Long time ago, in another lifetime, I was a facilitator in a postgraduate diploma program. One of the buzz phrases we used then was ‘cognitive apprenticeship’ and we loosely described it as a teacher making their thinking visible to their students, as they work through whatever it is that they are trying to teach their students. However, I didn’t think about that at all. I literally went blank. Finally, I said something like ‘by putting them in situations that get them questioning’. What?! At that moment in time, that was my answer. And I guess I was saying that when students start questioning their learning is when they start thinking about its value. Interview questions, on the other hand, do not allow you to think too much. The irony!

I don’t know if I will get the job. Hans was on his way out just before the interview. He casually said that the third time is the charm. I guess I will find out.

Smoggie Days are Sunshiny Days

Today, I watched a second movie with ASid and Hans. Like the last time, we went grocery shopping after. ASid didn’t want me to pay for his groceries, and I told him that I’d like to pay for them until he gets a job. And I reminded him that those weren’t my words - those were the words Smoggie used several times with me!

ASid is wrapping up a summer research job and is looking for more permanent jobs. Meanwhile, he has become extremely careful with whatever disposable income he has … which is probably not that much! In the last 2 years, the young man has been to Cuba, Mexico, the Mother Land, Scotland, Italy, Portugal, Korea and Japan, plus short trips to Washington DC, Seattle and New York as well as several trips to Vancouver and back! It is cool that he did all that travelling and still graduated with high distinction.

Now, he is shopping at Loblaws and buying everything 50% off.

It is not the same, but I felt like that when I stopped working and decided to be a stay-at-home mom. I felt the need to curb my spending. Whenever I would meet Smoggie for lunch, he would always pick up the bill, and tell me that I could pay when I go back to work. It was just one of the kind and considerate things Smoggie did for me. And it felt right.

These days, as I look back on the last 50 years, I am reminded of a few who have had such an influence on my life that not a single day goes by without thinking of them. Smoggie is one of those few. And I want the boys to know.

To conclude, I only ended up paying under $20 for all of ASid’s groceries. And it is only the second time I paid for his groceries this summer!

The Weight of it All

When I walk down the street or board a bus, I look at the people walking by or sitting/standing, and I wonder what their stories are. I am sure everyone is more than meets the eye!

Since I have a few days of leisure, I want to take the time to write about Eternal Boy. I haven’t been very kind to him in a couple of posts, and I want to repair that damage. I shall refer to him as EB henceforth.

EB and I met in our teens. As far as romance novels/movies go, we were the proverbial bad boy and good girl. It somehow became my mission to reform him. The teachers dreaded him, and the principal wanted him out. I offered to tutor him and help him with school. He thought I was odd, but he took me up on my kind offer. That summer, he was over everyday at my home. We would sit and work at the dining table, and my mom kept a watchful eye on us. School restarted and EB’s grades improved, and everyone was shocked! A few weeks later, it was my 16^th birthday. EB showed up with flowers and 16 cards. Each card had personalized messages written by him. I cared about him deeply and I was confused. 2 months and a day later, he professed his love for me. That was September 14, 1990. After that, my parents did not have a moment of peace. Less than a year later, I was ‘shipped off’ to another city, and a year later, we left the country.

I believe EB spoilt me rotten. He made mixtapes for me like no tomorrow. They were all songs from the other side of the world - songs that never played on the radio. The barrage of cards continued as well - 17 for the 17^th and 18 for the 18^th, and then postage costs perhaps got in the way! Long distance was expensive then. Letters took forever to reach each other. But the waiting was sweet. We survived 3 years without seeing each other. While I was busy at York University, EB was on a ship and travelling the world. My air mail had stamps from all over the world. When others heard the tales of EB and me, they concluded that I must be a beautiful girl for sure. Why would a boy go to extraordinary lengths for an ordinary girl?!

While we waited to be reunited, I also gained some weight, and was diagnosed with PCOD/PCOS. When EB saw me after 3 years, he did not love me any less. He wanted to marry me. I wanted to come back to Canada and finish my degree. I figured a year would fly by, and it did. However, EB’s parents had their reservations. We were already from different regions and spoke different tongues and there wasn’t much in common between our families. My diagnosis was their breaking point. In 1997, we said goodbye to each other, in person. That was the last time I saw EB.

Obviously, there are several details that are being omitted to narrate this story in as few words as possible. Also, I believe I shared some of this in other posts and I apologize for the repetition.

In 2005, EB’s ship finally touched Canadian shores. He landed at Newfoundland and found my parents’ home phone number and spoke with my mom. She gave me EB’s contact info. I didn’t know what to do with it. I reached out to Smoggie for advice. He advised me to call EB and thank him for letting me go. If EB didn’t make that choice, I wouldn’t have met Smoggie!

I must have repeated the above several times. It is my favourite ‘story’ to share. It is about seeing the most positive outcome in a tragic situation.

I have been in contact with EB since 2005. We used to email and now we WhatsApp. We spoke a few times in between then and now. Last year, March 2023, I took the boys to the Mother Land for a wedding. I asked EB if I could visit his mother. EB’s father and older brother have passed away, and EB lives in another country. His mother somehow believed that their family got cursed because of them breaking my heart. I wanted to dispel that myth!

Stuff happens. There are no such things as curses. No one has such power!

Hans and I visited EB’s mother. Although I had seen her at events the 2 years that EB and I were in high school together, I was never introduced to her and would not have recognized her if I had run into her! None of that mattered. I wanted this mother to know that I was happy, and I hold no ill will towards her family. I wanted her to see my child. I wanted her to understand that her child and I are in a good place. We remain good friends and are busy with our lives. There is no room for regrets. Life goes on.

It was a wonderful moment. EB’s mother welcomed me with open arms. We hugged each other and perhaps were momentarily lost in what could have been. It took all our strength to not burst into tears. Having Hans there was special. He held us together and showed us how bright the future is! The past was forgiven.

A weight was lifted off me. As I embarked on this journey to meet EB’s mother, several thoughts ran through my head. One of them was literally about all the weight I gained. I wondered if EB’s mother would be relieved that her son did not end up with me?! Once we hugged, I just felt pure joy and all the terrible thoughts flew out of my head. Both of us called EB on the phone, and he was reassured. He had initially felt that it was not necessary for me to make the effort to meet his mother. He thought it would be too painful for the both of us.

I guess we all had our weird fears. That’s behind us now.

As always, I’d like to talk about the point of a post. This is purely in response to the pity party or 2 I threw myself on this blog. I guess there were days when I was down, and I expressed some sorrowful feelings. And that’s alright. I am glad that I can look at my life and look back on my life and know that I am just starting to live my life. The healing has begun.

I also want to tell my stories, from my perspective, when I can. Based on where I am in life, I seem to narrate things flippantly or dolefully. My perspective keeps changing with my mood, and that’s not fair to the subject under scrutiny.

The Photo Book of Momley

For my 50^th birthday, the boys gathered my photos from the very first, taken at 3 months old, in a studio, to the most recent. They sorted through several hundreds of photos, both printed and digital, and created a photo book. I am still not sure of the criteria they used. Apparently, for ASid, I had to look ‘good’ in a photo for it to make it to the final cut! So, some family and friends are missing from the book. And some others, who have no significance in my life, have made it into the book!

Hans took the entire blame. Perhaps I was unnecessarily harsh with my critique.

Hans was born when I was almost 34. He tried to make sense of unknown faces, from my past, with some help from my parents. It was an excellent effort. The boys and my parents spent several hours. It took a while to scan the prints. However, Hans was the one who was left with the task of ensuring the book was ready. So, he felt personally responsible!

And here I am, trying to gather moments from our collective lives and preserve them for future. I wonder how Hans would critique my efforts?!

Note: On his 22^nd birthday, I informed ASid about this blog. Almost a year later, he hasn’t said anything about it!

Another note: If memory serves me well, this is the first time I have blogged twice in one day.

The way I talk to people

Recently, I was at ASid’s place to help him with some plumbing issues. I called the plumbing services that I used in the past. In a not so strange coincidence, the guy who arrived was the same guy who did some work in my apartment a year ago. I was delighted to see him and reminisced about the last time I saw him.

When the guy had to step out to gather some tools, ASid commented that it came across as I was blatantly flirting with the guy. Needless to say, I was appalled. Why would I flirt with a plumber in front of my grown son? I was just letting the guy know that he was good at his job and that I was happy to see him again. I wondered if ASid would have jumped to the same conclusion if the plumber had been a woman?! Without skipping a beat, my son told me that it could be perceived as flirting by both a man and a woman, and everyone in between.

This was news to me.

As usual, I went into defensive mode. This is how I talk to people all the time. I like to focus on the positive things. I want people to know about how good they are and what a difference they make in this world, maybe mostly my world. And my world matters!

After the plumber came back, I barely said a word. After he left, I pointed that out to ASid, and he said that it would totally have been okay to comment on the guy’s work!

All of it got me thinking and it also got me a little paranoid. How many people in my life have thought or think that I was/am flirting with them?

It doesn’t matter. I am who I am. This is the way I talk. I know I am not flirting. People who know me know that! People who don’t know me are those people I see when an appliance breaks down or a drain gets clogged. They need to know I appreciate them. If they take it the wrong way, that’s their problem.

A Tissue and A Dream

This is what Hans told me as he walked into the Knowledge Test Room at the Drive Test Centre:

I am walking in with a tissue and a dream. 

He said that right after he gave me his phone and wallet! He also gave me a hug!

After a few minutes, he walked out with both the tissue and the dream intact, and a big smile on his sweet face!

Most of his friends already have their G1. Hans turned 16 on May 22, 2024, and he felt the weight of getting through G1, G2 and eventually G. His mother does not drive, and his brother is not interested in driving. The boy has been feeling the pressure from his father and maybe others in the family. I am glad he passed the test on his first attempt. He is on his way!

Screenamatic Memories

Hans and I are rewatching our personal favourites and going down our respective memory lanes.

It was ASid who suggested that Hans watch all 3 movies of Cars. ASid was 4-5 when the first Cars movie was released, and he was all over it! Between my mother, Bambino and us, we got ASid all the Cars toys from McDonald’s. Hans was 3 when Cars 2 was released, and he was all over it too. We went on another buying spree. We ended up with a whole bunch of Cars paraphernalia. In 2022, when we sold our home and moved, a lot of stuff was forgotten, unwanted or lost in transition.

We were trying to keep it together, whatever it was!

I ended up watching the end of Cars 2 with Hans. As the credits rolled, I saw Dan Fogelman’s name pop up. In a strange coincidence, I have been rewatching This Is Us, and bawling my eyes out.

How is it that Dan Fogelman has been responsible for some of the best cinematic/screenamatic memories my children and I have?

As nostalgia set in, Hans went to look for some Cars toys. He realized that he didn’t have any. Then, he wanted to go find out if he stored any of them at my parents’ home. We were there yesterday, and he couldn’t find them there either. When we moved, he didn’t think about saving his Cars toys. As that reality set in, the boy had this moment of despair. It was like he lost an important part of his childhood.

For a moment, I didn’t know how to console him.

I found the words eventually. I had just watched Season 2 Episode 14 of This Is Us. An entire house burns down, and the mother tells her children that it is just a house. Moments later, they lose their dad. It puts things in perspective. I told Hans that maybe we can buy some Cars stuff online. It won’t have the same significance or history, but that’s an option. It helped Hans feel a little better.

Right now, I am continuing to watch my favourite TV series of all time. The title of the episode is The Car. And once again, I was in tears at the end … and that’s when I felt like writing this post. The episode ended with the dad wanting his family to be ‘okay’. That’s the word he thinks of for how he wants his family to be, and it made so much sense. At this point in time, that’s what I want for Hans. I want him to be okay.

Forks and Napkins

For those who have watched all 3 seasons of The Bear, they would recognize the words Forks and Napkins and connect them to 2 episodes of the series. I watched ‘Forks’ with Hans, and we both enjoyed it as an episode of wonderful character development. I watched ‘Napkins’ by myself and totally related to it. There is this character who loses her job in her 40s and feels disheartened by the fact that she may no longer be relevant as people younger than her seem to be the ones who are in-charge of hiring, and she doesn’t have the necessary qualifications. It was heartbreaking, but it ends well.

I too started my career in my 40s and I too had my moments of doubt. My 1^st day of supply teaching was on January 17, 2019. It was in a DD (Development Disabilities or Developmentally Delayed) classroom. First day and I knew I found my calling. Ever since then I have wanted to be a Special Education teacher. However, even after 758 days of supply teaching, I am still “unemployed” in a manner of speaking. In 7 days, I will be 50 years old. And I know teachers who are in their 50s who are retiring soon.

I am spewing out numbers here and perhaps sounding a little bleak. That’s not the intent at all. I am more positive than I ever was in my entire existence.

I would have to work until I am 65 years old. And I am looking forward to it. That’s the connection I made to ‘Napkins’. It doesn’t matter what age you are when you find something that you enjoy doing - nothing else matters! That’s how I feel right now. I feel good.

Ash’s Acute Awareness

The other day, Craigley, Hans and I attended ASid’s convocation at UofT. ASid graduated with High Distinction. It was a wonderful day. Since Craigley and I don’t see each other daily, ‘family’ gatherings such as the one mentioned are opportunities to casually talk about the boys. 

Craigley was surprised that Hans was still dealing with the repercussions of selling our home and separating that happened on November 1, 2022. He felt that Hans should have gotten over it by now. I didn’t really want to argue, but I did remind him that Hans is a sensitive boy and he feels more than his dad does! 

Craigley has been trying to get Hans to meet his girlfriend and the boy is not ready for this meeting. I told Hans that it is okay to not like his ‘mother’s replacement’ even if she is the nicest person on the planet. To which Hans responded that his life was like a situational comedy he really liked and then, a character changed, and it wasn’t the same anymore! 

I guess he described it better than I did!

To emphasize his point, Hans shared how Craigley’s best friend’s wife would previously ask Hans about how his mother was doing; however, now she asks Craigley about how his girlfriend is doing and does not have anything to ask Hans! This is a change he has noticed, and it perhaps bothers him a bit.

I wasn’t entirely surprised at the acuity of his observations. I hope one day he is able to move forward despite the hurt.   

Note: Hans often refers to himself as Ash. So, today’s post pays homage to that moniker. 

Scratch an Itch?!

I have been itching to write for a few days now, but I haven’t found the perfect scratch to take care of that incessant itch.

There will never be a perfect time to write. However, I realized that I need to make the time to write. I have been so busy writing lesson plans, creating tests and providing descriptive feedback that I haven’t written for myself. As I am approaching the half century milestone in my life, the more I have become aware of all the things that I haven’t done.

Life does get in the way.

Today, on Victoria Day, I have decided to revisit all the times I was mistaken for an ‘old’ person. The first time that happened was when I was pregnant with Hans. It was December 2007. I was at the airport, and buying snacks, with my soon-to-be sister-in-law and ASid who was 6 at that time. The young lady at the counter thought I was there with my 2 children. I was 33 at the time and my sister-in-law was 29! The second time it happened was at a mall with Craigley’s sister-in-law who is 7 years older than me and of a different racial background than mine. What?! But it did. It was an older lady and maybe her eyesight was questionable. Still!!

After that, it doesn’t surprise me anymore!

Yet, as I approach 50, I do not feel ‘old’ in any way. I feel like I am starting out - feel young in some ways and wise in other ways. I guess I am just beginning to scratch the surface of what we call life.

And this moment in life has taught me that a metaphoric itch should be left alone. Scratching for the sake of scratching is a waste of time.

Doctors and Other Stuff

I will get to doctors later. First, let me share the other stuff.

I have been busy with work and doing additional courses. Work has been interesting, and the courses have been exhausting. I am learning a lot and growing as a professional. Work has taken me to 2 interesting neighbourhoods, both ‘high needs’ and both associated with distinct ethnicities. I have refrained from talking about my own family’s race, religion and/or ethnicity; so, I will not mention the makeup of the 2 neighbourhoods. However, I am saddened when all the stereotypes about a group of people somehow are magnified to a critical state of existence in our public schools. Are we endorsing this? And that’s what bothers me even more! Theory that I am learning is so glorified that the reality, the practice, can never catch up to the hype!

So, that’s the stuff I am dealing with these days.

Let me talk about the doctors now. My family doctor is a female physician from the same native country as yours truly. One of my lab results prompted her to prescribe Gardasil vaccine for me. I am not going to go into any details about this - suffice it to say that it is recommended for ages 9 to 45, and I am on my way to 50. Anyways, continuing the story, for some reason, my doctor does not administer vaccines. She recommended I visit her husband, who is also a physician, and who apparently administers vaccines. I am a good patient and I listen to my doctors. To cut a long story short, I found out that each dose of this vaccine (and there are 3 in total) is $200 and a bit. At the visit, for my 2^nd dose, the doctor commented that at my age I shouldn’t bother with the vaccine! I had so many questions for him, but I chose to remain silent!

I was inspired to write the above as I watched the movie ‘American Fiction’. No regrets! 

Who?

Just finished watching ‘Somewhere in Queens’ and got all teary eyed. Occasionally, a movie fills me with pure joy. Today, it was this one!

Hans has been struggling with a course this semester. The teacher hasn’t been exactly supportive. As a parent, I am appalled at the insensitivity of it all. As a teacher, I am a little disappointed. Through this traumatic time, mostly for me (somehow Hans seems to be handling it better than me), I was glad to discover a ‘Student Success’ teacher. She has been a positive force, and I am hopeful for Hans … and me.

One of the few reminders I have for myself, related to the boys, is to not have any expectations from them. It does not mean I don’t expect them to do well in Life, it just means that I should let them make their mistakes (and hope that they learn from them). However, it is so hard to not get involved when someone seems to be sabotaging their self-confidence and perhaps eventually their self-esteem and motivation. Maybe I am overreacting?!

So, I am glad I watched this movie. I got to watch a parent desperately try to protect his child … but was he doing it for the child or himself?

Addendum: Hans passed the course and we have put that behind us!

Posted on Saturday, March 30, 2024