Preoccupation with Death

If we go with the certainty that we are all going to die; perhaps then, we will live well. So, I thought! However, recently, I have become terrified by the fact that we are all going to die!

Ever since I got Hans his car, I have these moments where I imagine my boy on the road with all the bad drivers. When he takes the car out, I wait until he gets back home … safely. I have blamed my recent late nights on the car. But I stayed up late even when Hans took the TTC to go downtown with his friends. That was when I imagined the boy surrounded by all the bad elements that supposedly exist on the streets of downtown Toronto.

Maybe I have become unreasonably preoccupied with situations where Hans’ life is in danger because the boy is going off to university in a few days!

Yesterday, Hans and I spoke about him going off to McMaster on the 29^th of August. Hans ended the conversation by saying something like “all that matters only if I don’t die before I get there”! It was like a slap in my face. Was my 18-year-old preoccupied with death as well or did he just say that fleetingly?! I did not want to have *that* conversation.

There are times I feel like I seriously need to see a therapist.

Luckily, I have wonderful friends. Today, I had breakfast at McDonald’s with Manda. She wondered if she should let her 17-year-old be in a car driven by his friend?! I shared with her that Hans asked me a similar question a few months ago. He wanted to know if I was okay with him being in a car with a friend who recently got his G2 license?! I told him that I should be okay since he would be getting that very same license soon, and I expect his friends to be okay to be in a car driven by him.

I hoped Manda would be okay too. And then I proceeded to tell her about my preoccupation with death.

I told her that the first night I slept in our new home, I felt a sense of relief. I knew that if I died, Hans would be with people who would love him just as dearly as I do. I did not realize that I had carried that fear of Hans discovering me dead and not having anyone with him in our former home. It had been just the 2 of us, and he was a child for most of that time.

Manda and I felt unburdened by sharing our fears. On most days, we are happy moms who have nothing but positive things to share about our boys and our lives. It was great that we took a moment to get those negative feelings out.

My day ended with ASid. He was in our new neighbourhood meeting someone and I decided to take a walk and spend some time with him. My firstborn has been preoccupied with finding a job in New York. In my mind, Toronto is just as fine as that other city and perhaps, in my infinite bias, *finer* than that other city! But can I stop ASid from moving to New York? No! Can I stop Death? No!

So, I must let go. Breathe. Release.